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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and being a controlling bitch?

107 replies

NHSisfubar · 20/06/2016 02:26

I really don't think I am so happy to stand corrected. Had friends to stay this weekend. My friends but DP has met them several times and we are due to go on holiday with them soon.

DP had a sporting engagement which takes him away for the whole day pretty much. This was fine although meant dinner would be fairly late waiting for him to get back. So AIBU to think it's bloody rude to decide to go for a drink not at the venue his match was at (which would have been fine for a quick one) but instead to his home club venue over half an hour away and then not let anyone know where he is/how long he'll be and not answer message/call? And then proceed to rock up past 9pm when we've all been sat waiting (I've had to sort out substantial other picky food in the meantime as guests were so hungry) and then proceed to be rude to me when I quietly express that it's rude to be so late when we have guests. Oh and then refuse to eat said late dinner and sit sulking in the corner not speaking to anyone and causing an atmosphere. Apparently I'm unreasonable. Am I?

OP posts:
Oldraver · 20/06/2016 10:00

If I were your guests I would of buggered off for a takeaway

TheDuchessOfArbroathsHat · 20/06/2016 10:01

I too think you should have just served dinner - and had words with your baby husband later on when not in company. If I was in your friends' position now I'd be thinking of any excuse at all to not go on holiday with you - imagine a holiday where such a ghastly atmosphere could hang over things at any time. Ugh. Just no.

MerryMarigold · 20/06/2016 10:04

Blimey. A huge apology to guests. I don't think you can sweep this one under the carpet without them stressing about going on holiday with you two. Not that you were being unreasonable to say something to your dh, but you were unreasonable in that you had guests and it would make things awkward which it clearly did.

I'd be SO trying to get out of this holiday. And does your dh often behave like this or is it because he's insecure around the friends? Again, doesn't bode well for a happy holiday.

3littlefrogs · 20/06/2016 10:06

It sounds as if you have seen his true colours.
However, neither of you behaved well.
You were rude to keep your guests waiting, he was rude to be late.

I don't think you are suited to each other and I definitely think you should cancel the holiday.

You will probably look back and think you had a lucky escape.

MunchCrunch01 · 20/06/2016 10:15

I don't think Op behaved badly - she's not the one that didn't keep a plan she made and then came home and sulked. Yes it've been better just to serve but she didn't know how late he was going to be.

WorraLiberty · 20/06/2016 10:18

Munch, the OP was the one who made the guests wait until after 9pm, when her DP decided to put in an appearance.

The only person who had control over what time they ate dinner, was the OP.

Her DP is a wanker, but that doesn't mean she wasn't rude too, to make them wait.

KingLooieCatz · 20/06/2016 10:25

On the bright side - some material for threads on Worst Dinner party ever, and Weird Behaviour when Visiting People.

There is a middle road between being a doormat and a controlling bitch.

HermioneJeanGranger · 20/06/2016 10:25

I think she behaved badly, actually You don't refuse to even put the oven on and refuse to feed your guests just to prove a point to your OH. What does that achieve?

She told her DP dinner would be at x-time. So why didn't she have it ready for that time? If he's late, that's his issue. If everyone else was eating and not being made to wait for him, the situation would have been far less awkward for everyone involved.

MunchCrunch01 · 20/06/2016 10:33

i think i'm saying, i'm not sure if that's really bad behaviour or just not employing the optimal plan B strategy. It's obvious to you, might not have been immediately obvious to me in that situation about what to do.

imwithspud · 20/06/2016 10:36

He was rude to be home so late but I don't know why you couldn't have sorted dinner for the guests and then left his in the microwave for later?

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 20/06/2016 10:50

The OP waited, it's done so there is no point going on and on about it now!

He was rude and acted like a petulant child. I admit if I was your friends I'd be looking for a way to get out of going on holiday with him.

Has he actually called you a controlling bitch?! I'm a bit of a control freak (DH is so laid back he's horizontal so it's not such a bad thing else nothing would ever get done) but if he ever called me a controlling bitch I'd be furious! You aren't btw, you aren't controlling, he was rude to not come home when he said he would then ignore all communication and you certainly aren't being a bitch. Yes, what a bitch getting dinner for him after a long day out, how dare you! Wink

Original poster
NHSisfubar · 20/06/2016 12:08

Can I just reiterate that my guests did NOT go hungry. We knew dinner would be quite late so I had already provided a decent spread of in-between food like a continental platter to tide them over. The problem was that I was expecting him to turn up any second having not been able to get hold of him by phone. When he delayed things for so long our guests ended up eating lots from the snack stuff which meant nobody really enjoyed the dinner by the time we finally got to it. And any words that were had were very short and out of earshot; I'm not one for arguments even without guests there. I simply asked why he was so late/where he had been and when he said he'd been at the home club pub for several hours I said it was rude when he knew we were having dinner with guests. That was all. It was his sulking that caused an atmosphere not anything else. Guests are very old friends and laid back; it was not a dinner party just a meal over a weekend staying with us. He has now apologised in a half hearted manner btw. I pointed out to him that had he had guests staying and I had a sporting commitment I'd make sure I finished at the other end as quickly as possible to help attend to them not bugger off to a pub miles away for several hours.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/06/2016 12:12

I would have given him half an hour past the planned dinner time. Then his dinner goes in the oven.

I know the guests didn't go hungry, but I wouldn't have made them wait more than half an hour, for someone who wasn't answering their phone/texts.

trafalgargal · 20/06/2016 12:27

Was the half hearted apology to you or to your guests ?

(No matter how much you defend him he's still a twat. Openly sulking when you have guests who are staying so essentially trapped and have to put up with his childish behavour is incredibly selfish . Frankly never mind your guests not wanting to go on holiday with him...in your shoes I'd be going without him )

Original poster
NHSisfubar · 20/06/2016 12:31

And to answer earlier posts no I actively encourage him to go out and do things as I don't think he does enough outside of work etc. I'm certainly not clingy and don't like spending every waking minute of my spare time with a partner. On a normal weekend I wouldn't care what time he turned up or would go and meet him after a match to also socialise with his friends. No I'm not a doormat hence pulling him up on his crap behaviour. No this is not a regular occurrence but I have had one other occasion at an event where he drank too much and became very verbally abusive when I told him we were leaving. He doesn't remember any of that and knows that I nearly split up with him over it and spent a long time making amends over it. Since then he has avoided drinking anything more than one or two. Oh and he wasn't driving himself but could have called me to pick him up or get his friend to drop him off half way and I would have picked him up. He works weird hours which causes him to get very little sleep which is what I believe triggers off the sulky quiet behaviour but that doesn't make it acceptable does it.

OP posts:
harshbuttrue1980 · 20/06/2016 12:34

They are your friends - surely you can have dinner with them without him there if he'd rather go out with his own friends after doing his sport? I don't get the attitude that some women have of finding a partner and then having to do every little thing in tandem. Maybe he didn't want to spend the whole evening entertaining your friends and just prefers his own? That shouldn't be a big deal.

Original poster
NHSisfubar · 20/06/2016 12:40

Believe me I am certainly not someone who needs to do everything in tandem. I enjoy my own space as have a very busy life in general. He complains we don't see each other enough but that is due to his working hours.

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 20/06/2016 12:40

I don't think your dp wants to be involved. He doesn't not view thevent friends as important enough for his interests. I would go on holiday without your dp. And leave him to his sport

IceRoadDucker · 20/06/2016 12:49

You both sound ridiculous. You for not using common sense and putting the dinner on at X time, regardless of whether your partner had turned up or not. Him for the hissy fit.

I feel really sorry for your friends.

TwentyCupsOfTea · 20/06/2016 12:49

If I had been the guest in this situation I would have felt so uncomfortable.
The best way to handle a clash like this is tell your husband you will save him some food if he wants, and make it clear to your guests that you are hosting them, but hopefully H will be back at some point before - maybe we can all have a chat and drink together if he is. This way guests do not feel awkward, H doesn't feel forced to cut short a day to entertain your friends, and you don't have to stress about him coming back.
I don't think you were unreasonable here though. I'm just trying to think of best way to handle these situations. I do think your H was a fool to agree to dinner at a set time, when his prior plans could so easily overrun.

Original poster
NHSisfubar · 20/06/2016 12:52

Cookie dough he is the one who booked and paid for the flights off his own back. He likes my friends and is on board with going away with them. Twenty cups of Tea he would have been home at a totally reasonable time had he not decided to trek miles in the opposite direction after the match.

OP posts:
GarlicSteak · 20/06/2016 15:47

So did he call you a controlling bitch, NHS?

HippiePrincess · 20/06/2016 16:27

If you do marry him (don't though) you need to get a dog so that next time he does this (because he will) you and any guests can eat your meal at the arranged time and when he comes home you can say "hello darling, your dinner's in the dog"

Only1scoop · 20/06/2016 16:29

How embarrassing

Awaiting his grand entrance so you can all chow down on the real stuff....

And then he sulks.

Man child hope you binned his portion

trafalgargal · 20/06/2016 16:46

It speaks volumes that you would be prepared to leave your guests to go and pick him up. That's not good girlfriend behaviour - that's doormat.

Basically he wanted to stay on and drink with his mates rather than come home and spend time with you and your friends.......and when you dared to mention you weren't happy with that- He sulked.

If he also gets so drunk he gets abusive and doesn't remember it then maybe he just isn't grown up enough to have a relationship yet.

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