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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and being a controlling bitch?

107 replies

NHSisfubar · 20/06/2016 02:26

I really don't think I am so happy to stand corrected. Had friends to stay this weekend. My friends but DP has met them several times and we are due to go on holiday with them soon.

DP had a sporting engagement which takes him away for the whole day pretty much. This was fine although meant dinner would be fairly late waiting for him to get back. So AIBU to think it's bloody rude to decide to go for a drink not at the venue his match was at (which would have been fine for a quick one) but instead to his home club venue over half an hour away and then not let anyone know where he is/how long he'll be and not answer message/call? And then proceed to rock up past 9pm when we've all been sat waiting (I've had to sort out substantial other picky food in the meantime as guests were so hungry) and then proceed to be rude to me when I quietly express that it's rude to be so late when we have guests. Oh and then refuse to eat said late dinner and sit sulking in the corner not speaking to anyone and causing an atmosphere. Apparently I'm unreasonable. Am I?

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 20/06/2016 08:37

Does he normally act like a 2 year old OP?

YANBU but he was,I can only imagine how embarrassed you were and your guests.

Runningbutnotscared · 20/06/2016 08:39

Yup, it's a bit weird to wait so long for one person to turn up for dinner.

Yes, he should have come back when he said he would, yes he is a dick for not at least having the grace to be sorry, BUT you could have just eaten dinner, enjoyed your friends and discussed it later.

Perhaps your not very experienced at having friends over for dinner? Or you come from a very small family? Either way if you plan to live with someone you'll both have to relax / communicate better.

bloodyteenagers · 20/06/2016 08:43

Dinner would have been served at the specified time. I do make exceptions, if people let me know. Otherwise if I say dinner at 7, that's when it happens.

TooMuchMNTime · 20/06/2016 08:46

Did he know you weren't even going to switch the oven on till he arrived?

skippy67 · 20/06/2016 08:46

Why did you wait for him? Sounds like you wanted to make a show of him. He could have texted to say he was going to be late though.

TheSockGoblin · 20/06/2016 08:51

I'd have not even planned to have dinner so late if it meant everyone waiting till an unreasonable time just for one person to return from a prior engagement.

To add in waiting longer just because you hand't heard from him does turn the whole thing into a total performance.

However he has behaved really rudely, far more than you have.

I would probably be asking myself why I felt the need to wait for him rather than just going ahead with dinner? Would he have been cross if you hadn't waited?

blindsider · 20/06/2016 08:56

That's a shame as now your friends also know your DH is a selfish twat. Sad

HazelBite · 20/06/2016 09:02

If I were your friends I would not be wanting to go on holiday with you.

Yes his behaviour was unreasonable, but to have a "spatt" in front of your guests and the ensuing atmosphere is even more unreasonable and very tacky behaviour and embarrassing behaviour.
Why couldn't you serve up dinner for the three of you and left a plateful for him to either bung in the microwave or sort himself out and save your row for later, and give him hell.

You both need a lesson in manners.

pictish · 20/06/2016 09:05

Yanbu - the sulking and refusing to eat dinner is unforgivable. He humiliated himself and you, but I guess that was the whole point - a display of idiocy to deter you from questioning him again.
What a bellend.

pictish · 20/06/2016 09:08

Hazel please elaborate on the spat that took place in front of guests that you are describing. Or are you exaggerating for effect?

Quietly making your feelings known is not having a spat in front of people OR 'tacky behaviour' as you have painted it.

I hate when people make their own version of events on here and post as though it were real...it happens all the time.

andsmile · 20/06/2016 09:24

what a prick - YANBU re him you are with a man who does not have basic manners and doesnt respect you. Mind you if I was one of your friends I'd be quite pissed off to.

Does other similar stuff like this happen?

scallopsrgreat · 20/06/2016 09:27

I love (not really) how half the replies are totally ignoring his rude and frankly controlling behaviour in favour of the blaming the OP. As if her serving dinner earlier would somehow have prevented him behaving like an arse.

andsmile · 20/06/2016 09:28

furthermore - lets have none of this 'letting him getting away behaving like this' business...its not a partners job to 'change' someone into the partner they want, its up to them to change.

andsmile · 20/06/2016 09:29

great point scallop women it just feeds into avoiding dealing with real issue.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 20/06/2016 09:30

He was being an arse but I think a PP had it exactly right when they said you made him too important. You shouldn't have waited.

My DM used to wait for DF to serve dinner and if he was pottering in his garage, she'd send one of us out to remind him it was dinner time; and then out again when he didn't appear, and on and on . . .When I first moved in with DP, I told him if I was cooking, I'd tell him what time dinner would be served and that was it. I wasn't going to call him, chase him, hold dinner back. He wasn't the king and I wasn't his housekeeper or servant waiting to be deigned with his presence.

I'm wondering if he doesn't want to go on holiday with your friends because he wasn't only rude to you, he was rude to them.

roundaboutthetown · 20/06/2016 09:37

You should have served the food when you were going to and left your dh to heat his up when he got back - there is no good reason for lots of people to wait for one person who hasn't had the courtesy to explain why he is running late. However, it is sometimes hard to call. From your behaviour, I get the impression he wouldn't normally behave like this. If he does have precedent for this sort of rudeness and public sulking, then you definitely aggravated the situation and are making the mistake of being the partner of a selfish arse.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 20/06/2016 09:42

I'd have just served dinner at the time agreed, especially as he was uncontactable and saved the argument until after the guests had left.
YANBU to expect him to at least let you know he's going to be later than planned YABU to expect the guests to wait for him.

trafalgargal · 20/06/2016 09:44

Defence is the best form of attack. He knew you'd be having a go at him ...in front of YOUR friends.

He sounds either very young or very immature but in all honesty you sound just as bad. What makes him more important than any of your guests that they have to wait for him before you'll even turn the oven on. He was the one who was late ......yet you put everyone else out pandering to his poor time management.

Were you perhaps raised in a culture where women defer to men and don't eat until after they have ? If not why didn't you just get on with dinner. He was late so he got the consequence (although if he had another engagement why would you organize an important to you dinner on the same day ....surely you'd pick a day you were both free.)

Frankly any bloke who acted like a sulky child would be a bit of an embarrassment and worth considering dumping but I'd also question why I let him ruin the evening when I could have carried on without him and still had a great and on time relaxed dinner with friends instead of a late awkward mess.

CoraPirbright · 20/06/2016 09:47

Your DP is an utter tosser and be prepared for your friends to pull out of the holiday - who would want to spend a week with a sulky man-child like that?! I do understand why you waited though - you were probably expecting him to walk through the door at any minute!

trafalgargal · 20/06/2016 09:52

I've just realised your poor friends were staying the night. To put guests who can't make their excuses and leave in such a hideous situation is inexcusable and you both could have done better.

Two wrongs don't make a right. He was inconsiderate and rude ......but I still don't understand why you rewarded that by holding back dinner. He is an adult and knew what time dinner was.

peachpudding · 20/06/2016 09:52

I don't get why you didn't serve food at the normal time. Why did DP have to be there, I would have thought a lot of men go out for a drink after playing footie/rugby all day.

WorraLiberty · 20/06/2016 09:53

He was incredibly rude.

And I hate to say this, but you were a bit rude to your guests too, to make them wait so long for dinner, due to one person's lateness.

My BIL used to do this years ago and I refused to wait longer than half an hour, if he hadn't been in touch.

His dinner got covered in foil and put in the oven, while we continued with our plans.

trafalgargal · 20/06/2016 09:55

I'd be pulling out of the holiday or preparing to do very little as a couple with you two whilst away.

HermioneJeanGranger · 20/06/2016 09:57

I don't think people are ignoring the DP's behaviour Confused they're just saying the OP played into his hands and waited for him, therefore making things really awkward and uncomfortable for their guests.

Surely the answer would be to prepare dinner to be ready at x-time, and then if he doesn't show, just say "Oh, sorry, DP must have been caught up somewhere - I'll put his portion aside so that we don't have to wait for him."

Why make your guests wait just because the DP is being a selfish knob? It just means everyone has to suffer and feel awkward for no reason.

MunchCrunch01 · 20/06/2016 09:57

I expect Op just didn't expect her 'd' p to act like a twat. Op he's BU, you need to have a chat - he's a grown-up, if he agreed to be there for a particular time for dinner then didn't turn up, he's a rude ar*e so have a direct chat with him, sulking's just an attempt to push you around. Did he not want to do the dinner party at all, so not really buy in and then d1ck around? Or did he fully agree and then behave idiotically? Either way it's not great.