DPs ex

[thepothasboiledover]

Hi all this is the first time I have asked advice on my own life in AIBU but I need to vent!!
Basically DPs ex has made our life hell for ten yrs + and I have literally years of saved abusive messages, screenshots from slanderous things she has written about us on social media etc. I know the best thing to do is ignore it but I've had enough and the slander on social media has started to affect my life again.
So what I am asking is that if I post the messages on social media publically and screenshots of her lies with the actual truth (think 'x & x refused to buy kids school uniform today' next to a text from her saying 'if you don't give me £50 tomorrow I am confiscating their phones until you do') am I breaking any laws?
Just for the record the kids are almost adults now. One just pretends it isn't happening and isn't right arsed and the other one is sick to the back teeth of it as well and moved out - spends most of the time with us or grandparents. Neither of them would give a shit whether I told the world everything, she has well and truly burnt her bridges with youngest DSC
I hate social media now with a burning passion but what she puts on there is impossible to avoid!!!

OP - I'm a stepmother, and whilst I've been fortunate enough not to be on the receiving end like you have, I've experienced my fiancée and father of my child be destroyed by slander and manipulation.

However, I totally agree with fuckit - I know it's not what you want to hear, you want us to support and encourage your pursuit of this woman, but fuckit really does speak sense - you need to disengage, and stop allowing this woman to affect you in this manner.

As you've said, the kids are nearly (if not already) adult age. If your children are being harassed by a stranger (which essentially she is, as there is no biological link and she is not a 'friend') then you must seek alternate advice/consequences for that.

The usage of social media is sadly a byproduct of our 'dirty laundry' society and she won't stop or be silenced, so you're best removing yourself entirely from her merry-go-round of drama because you are fuelling it with this reactive response (however justified).

Your friends and family should NOT be engaging with her either nor should they be passing on information that is going to make you feel like this - in fact, why are they in this drama at all? I would be questioning whether these were friends and family I would want around if they persisted in regaling the exes batshit drivelling - a few of mine and fiancées friends still communicate with fiancées ex (school playground) and we asked politely that their friendship with her was very much separate from their friendship with us and we didn't need to know anything about how ex conducted her life beyond whether fiancées son was happy and healthy.

Disengage and that headspace to cope will return, I promise.

When was the last time you spoke to the police? Could you go back again with a log of information for them, perhaps? I can see that they'd be reluctant to do anything on the basis of one/two nasty texts, but you have a huge host of evidence - surely that's enough to prove she's refusing to leave you alone?

for you!

She sounds just like my SIL (NC) it's the sort of thing she would do though luckily she did death threats (even our 4 week old baby!) so if she ever comes close to me or my DC I'll call the police and she'll be arrested.

I know it's hard when someone is spreading very hurtful things for many years but please don't fight back it'll make her worse, your SC may start to believe her and you'll lose years of high ground

It's tempting to expose her on social media I know, but I really think you would be unleashing a world of further pain upon yourself. Be strategic about this-get together all your evidence then do some research into the remedies you want/can get. Someone mentioned a non-mol, I think your DP can get this against her as she is the parent of his children-possibly he can extend this to cover you and your kids as well. Find a good family law solicitor who offers a free initial consultation, you and your DP go in with your evidence, explain things calmly (maybe write it down beforehand so you don't go off on tangents etc then seek the solicitor's advice about what to do next and an estimate of costs. Maybe a solicitor's letter first, you can contemplate further action if that doesn't work. In the meantime, ask your family and friends to please not engage with her, no matter the provocation. Good luck

It must be really difficult for you, but I agree with other who say don't do it. It is true that anyone with half a brain cell will know she's a total moron. I'm friends with two ex's on FB. One is always posting, or sharing or liking posts which are clearly aimed at the situation with the other. The other one never peeps a word. Guess which one i have more respect for?

The only thing you can control is your own reaction.

If I found out you were calling me a poisonous old crank to my kids I'd have your guts for breakfast.

/irony.

Your DP's ex is playing with you, OP. The only way you can win this game is if you don't play. I know that absolutely SUCKS.

Keep talking to the police. Where I am, we have a law against "Using a Carriage Service to Menace, Harass or Offend". Not sure if you have that. Find out exactly what law she is breaking, and don't stop contacting the police until they take it seriously.

If I found out you were calling me a poisonous old crank to my kids I'd have your guts for breakfast.

Really fuckit ? Then presumably you are 100 percent behind the OP going after this woman who has said awful things about her to her relatives and friends and tried/probably succeeded in saying these things to the OP's children too. After all you'd have her guts for breakfast in similar circumstances -right?

But no, you think the OP should just block and forget because it isn't anything to do with her. Why? Well it is clear to me it is because she is the second wife so for some posters she will never be in a position to complain.

I generally don't believe much of what divorced couples say about each other but am more likely to believe the wife's story than the ex husbands/second wife but still there are nutjob/drama queens out there and it looks like the OP has one in her husband's ex.

I don't blame the OP for being angry after 10 years of this. but I agree with other posters. OP, you will just feed the drama if you try to retaliate and it won't get better - it will get worse. Tell your friends and relatives that you no longer care what she says because you have long since recognised she has a major problem and you feel more pity than anger at this point when you consider her delusional life. Then block her block her block her.

NOT because you don't have a reason to be angry with her and cause to stop her. But because ignoring her will be more effective in the long run. Engaging with her will just draw her on you for another 10 years.

If I found out you were calling me a poisonous old crank to my kids I'd have your guts for breakfast

A tad ironic since all you keep saying to OP is 'disengage'

OP you have my sympathy. We have had similar in the past

The op family have assaulted the Ex wife by her own admission.

No they haven't they nearly did after a row in the street.

You do seem to be going out of your way to minimise what the OP is saying.

10 years of this would be enough to break most people.

The partner seems remarkably absent in all this.

Maybe because it isn't him posting

*If my partners new girlfriend was calling me a poisonous old skank I would tell my partner, tell him he was to deal with her, and if it happened again I would go to the police.

If I had half the proof the op has, I would be at the police every single time. With my screenshots as evidence and asking them to stop her harassing me.*

That's not the advice you gave the OP though. Why not?

This is so childish. She is obviously doing this for the attention and I bet they have both been as bad as the other. Also what sort of place do you live that people in the street are giving you looks? do any of you work? my parents used live on a street were they were only residents that worked...the gossiping was rife but it was because they were all bored!

Her camp? you mean her friends/family, why do you care what they think. Again this is all very childish and I bet one day when she does finally stop your miss the drama online.

Fuckit said: The op is as bad. She is feeding the drama.

In what way is she feeding the drama?

You are massively projecting your own personal situation onto the OP"s situation.

nothing you have said is consistent. Your latest offering is "the way to deal with it is via the police"

Probably polar opposite to what you said to the OP for most of the thread. Which was mostly:

nothing to do with you at all
What has your dh done wrong to deserve this?
You've been bad mouthing her (and I'd have your guts for breakfast for it if I were the ex)

Thank you all who have give constructive advice.
I can assure you there isn't more to this I have detailed a fair amount here!
fuckincunt like I said you are investing far too much time in this so you are obviously a hater of step parents for whatever reason. I am going to read through this thread a few times and take the advice on board, then decide how to deal with it.

Don't feed in to it.

Those who really know you, know the truth, there really is no need to convince anyone else.

I am also pretty sure, even those who are supportive of her know she is unhinged to say the least.

Do not join her in looking unhinged!

Fuckit you are a massive hypocrite. You have just admitted that you would act completely contrary to your own advice to disengage with the harassment.

At no point has the OP given the indication that she loves the drama, but if you want to have someone's 'guts for breakfast' over a relatively innocuous comment you heard second hand (the OP never said that she involved the kids in this), then I dread to think how you would cope with 10 years of repeated abuse. You say you would be down the police the whole time? OP has tried that and they didn't do anything (and they normally wouldn't unless there were legitimate threats of violence).

My guess? You are projecting your own situation onto the OP's. You are probably the 'first wife' or something similar, hence your overreaction to her calling the ex poisonous, while simultaneously failing to see anything massively wrong in what the ex is doing.

OP, I reckon she will love it if you react by posting stuff. I would instead make it my mission to ignore her because she will hate that. Tell all your friends and family to do the same. It will piss her off more, trust me.

If her friends and family are bad-mouthing you because of what's been said on FB, rather than persuading her that posting all this on FB isn't a good idea, then I doubt you'd gain anything by posting your side of things there. If you were likely to get a reasonable reaction by doing so, this wouldn't have been going on for 10 years.

If the childen are now all adults, presumably there's no maintenance or residency to communicate about any more. So you don't have to be in touch so I would think just blocking her is the best thing. If she is harassing you down the phone, then log each call and discuss it with the police again.

Do not stoop to her level. You've already said she's hoping to provoke a response which would mean she could call the police about being threatened. Do not play her game, however frustrating it is. Disengage as far as possible.