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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be that excited by this gift?

118 replies

Northcountrygirl16 · 19/06/2016 02:46

DH seems annoyed that I'm not overjoyed with the anniversary gift he got me.

His gift is a framed outline of the U.K. That has our names and wedding date on and then the name of a random town we once lived in, which is not where we got married.

I thanked him for it but he seems to think my reaction wasn't gushing enough. I'm not really sure what the point of it is to tell you the truth, or what he thought I was going to do with it. We don't really have anywhere to hang it ( being honest it's not something I'd really want to put on show even if we did). I didn't say this to him though but my reaction apparently wasn't appreciative enough.

By way of background it's a significant anniversary after a year in which we almost split due to his behaviour. My gift to him was something personal that he can use and that I knew he would appreciate.

So AIBU to have just said Thanks and left it at that?? I'm not sure what else he expected from me maybe tears of joy?

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 19/06/2016 07:50

People women make a lot of assumptions about gift buying. I rarely allude to being male on MN mansplaining but to me this seems a reasonably thought out gift. So what if it was bought online, isn't that what we are all supposed to do now?

I thought it was just flowers from the garage that meant no thought had been put in?

I genuinely hate shopping, and TBH we don't to anniverary presents, since 1st year anyway. If we remember we do cards.

If DW got in a huff about their being insufficient magic in a present like that, I don't think I would bother again TBH.

It's just part of lifes general flow of tat, nothing to get over invested in looks around at decidedly non show home

Sophie200609 · 19/06/2016 07:59

An ex "named a star" after me, I was similarly unimpressed.

We don't do anniversary presents as such. This year (3) we exchanged cards and he bought me a very expensive lunch

ForRealTho · 19/06/2016 08:00

I don't think it's especially thoughtful there are loads of those type presents on notonthehightstreet.com and etsy.com/

roundaboutthetown · 19/06/2016 08:01

Sounds like the problem was your dh getting huffy that you only said thank you, rather than leaping about in ecstasy. I would just have to ask why he picked the place name he did to highlight on the map. Maybe you both did something amazing there that you have forgotten and that's why he is a bit peeved? Or did you conceive your first child there, or something?

AugustaFinkNottle · 19/06/2016 08:03

I buy lots of presents online. It doesn't mean that I haven't thought about them.

ForRealTho · 19/06/2016 08:06

Ha just read the thread and see that's what he's done. You are getting a hard time. He's put fuck all work in to it and not even got the town right? Unless that's where you met?

That would be quite sweet in an annoying sort of way.

It really wouldn't Confused It would show he was totally useless and people have incredibly low standards if getting it wrong is as sweet as giving a shit.

ITCouldBeWorse · 19/06/2016 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PandasRock · 19/06/2016 08:13

Like PP I would have to ask why that random town was highlighted.

I think you've been getting a hard time. If you really hate this kind of thing (and there is t a good enough reason for random town being named to make it a thoughtful gift), then your DH should have known this.

My H's personal low with presents (and I'm not hard to buy for, I don't think - I'd be over the moon with a book voucher!) was a money box in the shape of a vintage golf bag along with a trinket dish with a rugby ball on top. I do not play golf or rugby, and have never professed an interest in collecting naff vintage memorabilia of either sport. Clearly he'd forgotten my birthday and hastily bought th first random shit he saw. He too got huffy when I wasn't particularly effusive in my thanks - I was too bemused on opening them to say anything really, and looking back I thing the huff was more about covering be awkward moment of 'why the fuck did you buy me this' than him actually feeling cross that his so-called thoughtful gift was not being welcomed.

Inertia · 19/06/2016 08:16

Seems to be that the actual gift is not really the heart of the problem. Your later posts suggest that he doesn't do his fair share of the parenting, doesn't appreciate the things you do or the gifts you buy, is quick to criticise you, and actually expects to be able to police your responses too, to the extent that you not leaping with delight is another reason to criticise.

rainbowstardrops · 19/06/2016 08:18

I don't blame you for being a bit Confused at your gift. It's crap!
'D'H and I have just passed our 20th anniversary. I bought him a lovely personalised gift that represented it being the 20th anniversary and he bought me a mug. To go with the other full cupboard of mugs Confused

JellyMouldJnr · 19/06/2016 08:22

OP it sounds to me that you have different love languages. To you, actions are the way of showing love, to him it might be a reminder of good times? www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/080241270X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1466320816&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=5+love+languages

Justaskingnottelling · 19/06/2016 08:27

I agree with Inertia. It's what is at the root of your resentment. Not giving you a hard time, honestly OP. Sounds like what you really need is a bit of nurturing, and he hasn't got that. But you may have to tell him rather than hope he realises. I'm terrible about buying presents. But I think about it for ages: just don't have the talent for it that some people do. However, it doesn't mean that I don't care or try really hard. If you feel that your husband isn't getting what you need most and you are screaming it in your head, maybe you could try just saying it really assertively and calmly. -Meanwhile handing him the baby and going out for a massage via Montezuma's-. Flowers. Hope you get some quality sleep soon.

Original poster
Northcountrygirl16 · 19/06/2016 08:38

The town is where we lived pre-kids but it doesn't really make sense in the context of the picture as it is our names, wedding date and then the place. It's obviously meant to be where we got married.

I didn't actually get in a huff about it. I just said thanks then put it back in the box. He got a bit huffy that I wasn't more excited by it. Obviously from this thread I see that other people would have been happy to receive it but it's not my kind of thing at all. The problems we've had are still a bit too fresh in my mind right now for me to be feeling misty eyed over our wedding date even if I was a soppy kind of person. A gift for me as an individual may have gone down better, even if it was just a box of chocolates that he knew I liked.

Anyway I'm awake with the kids after 2 hours sleep while he snores away because he is " tired" from going to bed at 2.30am so yes our problems go deeper than a naff framed print.

OP posts:
PandasRock · 19/06/2016 08:47

Do you think he's forgotten where you got married? Seems bizarre to put a random town along with your wedding date (had missed that the date was included).

I hope your morning is as peaceful as it can be Flowers

How about organising breakfast in bed for Father's Day - at least he'll be awake too then Grin

emilybrontescorset · 19/06/2016 08:49

I'm with you op.

It's the thoughtlessness of it all.

Fwiw I love flowers.

It's what is personal to you and the fact that your dh can't even get you something you would appreciate.

He should be pulling his weight with the dcs too.

loobieloo32 · 19/06/2016 08:50

I'm intrigued about the random town, I wonder if to him it's somewhere you loved and were happy and after a tough year it's meant to symbolise a new start or something? Or I could just be making it up as I go along.

I probably wouldn't like it either if I'm honest. Dh went through a bit of a stage of buying me lovely smellies it took me a couple of years to pluck up the courage to tell him I'm quite fussy with the type of smellies I like-I kept saying how thoughtful it was but would he mind (if he decided to buy me them ) buying me this this or this. Maybe you could just ask him why that particular town, it might just be more significant to him than you know x

NervousRider · 19/06/2016 08:54

Well....I think it sounds like a shite present.

I am not materialistic at all and for me it is more the thought and the personal side that means more. So the bracelet that another poster was given would mean the world to me. The "My Little Pony" toy I got as a joke present on my birthday I love. The fact that he brings me a cup of tea in bed each morning - THAT is what I call love and a thoughtful present.

magoria · 19/06/2016 08:57

I think he also forgotten where you got married.

Ask him?

That he didn't even thank you for his gift but expects over whelming thanks for his says a lot really.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/06/2016 09:03

YANBU.

Is this your first baby? Because if it's where you lived pre-kids, and you've nearly split and you've got a new(ish) baby, then (reading FAR too much into it) it's just possibly it was a Freudian slip, and he put that town because it was where he felt the best in your relationship. (FAR too much!)

Anyway. I wouldn't be chuffed with it either, under the circs.
DH once got me a present that I'd asked for - except it wasn't. I'd found a beautiful scarf, lacey with a ginkgo leaf motif in primrose and pale green. Very pretty. I showed him the exact scarf, I touched it in front of him and said "this one".
He went back to the stall, bought something and came away with a bag of the correct size; and sure enough, I had a small soft package to open on Christmas day.
Except - when I opened it, it was a mushroom coloured crocheted half-shawl, the sort you'd see very old grandmas wearing. Completely wrong, but not only completely wrong I have no idea why he thought it was something I would like! I was so upset - honestly not just because of my disappointment but because of the alternative he HAD got - it was awful! Couldn't believe thought I would ever like it, I really couldn't.
Luckily, a few days after Christmas I was able to go back to the stall and swap it for the one I actually wanted. But I've never forgotten that.

So, because I'm projecting my own disappointment, I can see why you'd be less-than-enthused by a present that a) isn't to your taste in the first place and b) has no actual sentimental meaning to you!

Original poster
Northcountrygirl16 · 19/06/2016 09:06

He didn't forget where we got married and yes the place he put probably does have significance in his mind. It still doesn't make sense in the context of the print though.

Ha definitely no breakfast in bed for him after I've had 2 hours sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
Northcountrygirl16 · 19/06/2016 09:08

Not the first baby no.

OP posts:
Muskateersmummy · 19/06/2016 09:14

I think, as with many things, this is a communication issue. Are you planning an anniversary meal? If you could go out for dinner/lunch just the two of you and actually talk. Tell him that whilst it's a lovely sentiment, what you really would love is a night off.

I think we often sit around thinking how much we would like them to have the kids without actually asking them to. Expecting them to notice. I have learnt it's much better to just say, I'm shattered, I need a break, are you doing anything x weekend? I want a day off.

Also before significant events (birthdays/anniversary's) it's worth having some unsubtle chats about what you would like. I do this a lot with dh. If I don't want a gift and want time, then I do just say so. We often do weekends away/meals out instead of presents to each other.

SantinoRice · 19/06/2016 09:16

YANBU

he's put no thought into it. I'd be disappointed too.

Original poster
Northcountrygirl16 · 19/06/2016 09:18

We had an anniversary dinner. The gift came after our actual anniversary as he ordered it too late for it to be delivered in time.
He " jokingly" complains when I ask him to take the kids or says how tired he is too. Like now where he is snoring away and " exhausted" from staying up watching to until 2.30.

Didn't intend this to become a thread about how cheap he can be in general.

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 19/06/2016 09:20

I agree OP. Shit presents are just shit - and often indicative of not really putting any effort in at all.

One year for my birthday i got a book on the history of electricity Confused and when i was in hospital for 5 weeks i asked DH to bring me in a book and magazine and he brought me a history of the AK-47 and a computing magazine (neither of which i am remotely interested in), he then sat and read them while he visited Grin

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