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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Report to SS or not?

128 replies

agirlhasnomoney · 17/06/2016 20:02

I'm in two minds about whether to report some neighbors to SS.... or not.

Some close neighbors of ours have arguments, as we all do lets face it.
But these seem to be on a whole other level and are putting me on high alert. Hmm
they are real humdinger arguments of the 'fuck you, you piece of no good worthless piece of shit' variety) on a daily basis. Sad
The 5 year old son is witness to all the arguments. And is often heard by the neighbor (me) trying to placate both parents.
Every time these neighbors argue, I can hear the small child crying.

Report?
Or not?

I don't know what to do.

What would you do?

OP posts:
holdinghands · 17/06/2016 22:21

As a child who grew up in an abusive and violent household I would say don't turn a blind eye, which you obviously aren't. I wish someone like you had been around when I was growing up. On the other hand I understand your concerns about SS. I would take the advice of pp regarding the NSPCC. Surely you could stay anon and get experienced advice from professionals about what to do? It would take the pressure of what to do off you a bit too.

Well done though for caringFlowers

2catsnowaiting · 17/06/2016 22:25

newmum I totally get that having SS involved where they were not needed and where you are totally innocent would be absolutely horrible and stressful.

However, if it comes down to it, I would still prefer for a family to go through that and come out the other side proven to be innocent, than to allow a child to suffer because someone was scared to speak up about their concerns. This is not a situation where something 'might' be happening, it is happening, the op has witnessed it.

As others have said, if SS have no other information on the family they may well not take any action but if other incidences occur or have occurred then this report could be taken seriously.

Original poster
agirlhasnomoney · 17/06/2016 22:27

thankyou holding hands.

My intuition (which could well be shit) is telling me that what this family really needs is some additional support, but would they necessarily get that, if I were to report them to SS?
Would SS wade in with clodhopper boots and make things worse
They could do more harm than good, is what I'm worried about.

It would be good if a SS employee could advise as to what usually happens in a case like this.

OP posts:
pepper22 · 17/06/2016 22:32

Totally report it. It's better to "waste SS time" than allow a child to grow up in an amotionally abusive household when it may be that SS could help. Also they may already have a record but need more information...information you can give. Or if you could somehow get to know the wife maybe you could broach the subject of how they get on to support her to get help herself?

minionsrule · 17/06/2016 22:35

So OP in your OP you said the arguements, including swearing, were daily, then you say it was approx every 2 days that arguements occur, and you were definately going to report.

Now you are not going to report but if you hear any more arguements you will defo report.......... so you will report tomorrow or in 2 days or come back to check after the next arguement to ask again?
Just contact SS and report what you have heard, let them make the call - or don't, whatever Hmm

markingthebench · 17/06/2016 22:36

It's such a shame that we are all worrying about what social services will or will not do Sad

From cases I have known in my community (including the one time they came to visit me), they can do more harm than good. This shouldn't be the case, and I think the Conservative cuts which have increased their workload have a lot to do with it.

Also, a lot depends on the attitude of the individual worker who sees the family had a lot to do with it. In the last year, I have known two who were amazing, two who were well meaning and adequate, and two who nearly caused a horrendous crisis in the family by upsetting my friend with a mental health problem.

I still think taking to the school is the best option.

Original poster
agirlhasnomoney · 17/06/2016 22:37

Excuse me for not knowing what to do. Hmm So sorry.

This is the whole point of my aibu. I don't know what to do.
I'm asking for advice.
Sorry if it's not very clear cut.

OP posts:
Original poster
agirlhasnomoney · 17/06/2016 22:38

that's to minions

OP posts:
Original poster
agirlhasnomoney · 17/06/2016 22:40

markingthebench,
I'm thinking a word with the school is the best approach.

they can keep an eye on the child and monitor the situation.
It may or may not escalate to SS stage.

OP posts:
borntohula · 17/06/2016 22:50

OP, you sound like a genuinely concerned and caring person... i have no faith in SS myself but i guess it's like all authorities, there'll be good and bad... it wouldn't hurt to call for advice, you wouldn't have to initially give any details and if it concerned them enough, they'd ask for more info. if the parents' issues are with each other rather than the kids, maybe they'll have a good think about what to do next and be a lot more careful about what their little lad is taking in.

RonaldMcDonald · 17/06/2016 22:56

Report - emotional well being of the child is in danger

Verbal abuse is taken very serious now. Imagine being a 5 yo in that house hearing that.
Grim

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 17/06/2016 22:58

Ok.
A social worker will answer the call and triage it. This will involve calling the school, health visitor, GP, checking police and children's services records etc.
If nothing is found that raises concern they may call the family and offer a referral to early help for some parenting support or discuss mental health support.
If there are other concerns raised or a history on file they may open an assessment which means gathering further information, talking to the family and identifying what support would be appropriate.
If things seem really pressured they may open a child in need plan following the assessment and offer support over a period of a few months.
If there are concerns that the children are suffering significant harm they may convene a child protection conference.
If things are really bad they could issue care proceedings but that would be so unlikely and impossible to happen based on your info alone.

Notcontent · 17/06/2016 22:58

I would report it definitely. It might work as a wake up call to the parents. I say this as someone who has been through some tough times, with shouting etc that I regret.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 17/06/2016 22:59

Reporting to the school is pointless. All they will do is pass it on to children's services. Schools don't have the remit to assess whether something needs to be assessed by children's services or not - their safeguarding procedures will require them to pass this on.

holdinghands · 17/06/2016 23:12

Minionsrule, the OP is looking for advice and is understandably worried about making things worse so cut her some slack.

Inyournightdress · 17/06/2016 23:37

Please report. It may be nothing it may be something but witnessing domestic violence is seen as a form of abuse. Allow social services to do their job and help this family.

markingthebench · 17/06/2016 23:39

LadyStark, I don't agree that reporting to the school is pointless. They already have a relationship with the mum, and may be able to offer support/a listening ear. They can keep an eye on the children much better than social services can. Of course the school will pass on any real safeguarding concerns, and so they should, but they are much better placed than social services to make positive and helpful and non-threatening interventions that actually help the family. The school can talk to the health visitor, recommend parenting courses, even just offer a cup of tea and a chance to cry in the headteacher's office. These things may help much more than scary, random social workers turning up at the door.

I'm guessing, Lady Stark, that you might be a social worker. If you are, you have my respect because I wouldn't want your job! It might be difficult for you to understand how terrified many people are of social workers (I live in a neighbourhood where nearly everyone knows of someone who has had their children taken away).

borntohula · 17/06/2016 23:53

the problem with SS is that some of its staff are shit, as with any service really.

Junosmum · 17/06/2016 23:53

Yes, report. It's emotional neglect at the least.

NoMudNoLotus · 18/06/2016 00:37

Report - child is at risk of emotional harm - frequent exposure to such behaviour is emotional abuse.

twelly · 18/06/2016 00:46

I would also not be sure what to do. most if not all families have arguments and disagreements many use bad language, we do not know the circumstances and what pressures are in the household. I think unless I felt very concerned about what I heard I would do nothing, but I think it is a judgement call as to a what point or level you feel reporting an incident is needed

peaceloveandtwirlywoos · 18/06/2016 00:58

Please report to someone. Maybe 111 next time they argue at that pitch.
When I was a child I witnessed DV that my neighbours MUST HAVE heard, but they never did anything. Sometimes I phoned the police myself, but not every time, only when I thought my mother was in danger of being killed.
If only a neighbour or someone had stepped in and said, actually, this child shouldn't have to live with this going on every weekend. Enough is enough.
You talk about not wanting to break up a family, but this family is already broken.

BorrowedHeart · 18/06/2016 01:17

I went through the exact same thing with my first, except hers was a dilated vein and not a birthmark and she was two days old. We had police taking pictures of the mark as well and even after they knew it wasnt a bruise she stil had to go on the protection list and we had to live with my mum so me and my partner could have adult supervision. Now im paranoid of ever asking for help and if anything having depression makes me and my partner argue more because of our fears from that one experiance. My midqife also repirt me because I got pregnant with our swcond and we had to be investigated again and more than likley will again if we have any more babies.

ghostspirit · 18/06/2016 01:45

i had bad experience with ss to. long time ago but i will never ever tell anyone anything again. its ashame because people are scared to ask for help/support

ConfuzzledandDazed · 18/06/2016 08:29

agirl what you describe is identical to my ndn Sad they usually argue every two or three days and the walls are so thin you can hear it. On Thursday they had an almighty argument and I could hear both children crying. I felt awful but I don't know what to do about it. Again in this case she is the aggressor.

I don't know them well enough to go round and offer support and I also don't have any ties to the boy's school. It just breaks my heart to know he hears/sees this and from what they were shouting the other day (could hear it above my tv Hmm ) the boy is there in the room with them.

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