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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off?

46 replies

MyBreadIsEggy · 16/06/2016 06:46

Every single morning without fail, Dd (13mo) wakes between 6am and 6:30am - which is fine. Majority of the time she sleeps through from 7:30pm until then anyway. But what is really starting to piss me off, is DH! Every morning when she wakes up, and on the odd occasion she does wake in the night, he pretends to be asleep!! He is quite clearly not asleep.
Dd can be quite loud when she's chatting/singing to herself/crying, and we have thin walls. If I'm downstairs and she wakes from I nap, I can hear her without a baby monitor - so there's no way DH can't hear her only one room away!
But this morning, yet again, I'm the one who gets up to go and see to Dd! I brought her into our room for a cuddle in our bed and a nappy change - a cuddle in our bed usually involves her climbing on us, touching faces etc.....and he still pretended to be asleep.
I'm the primary care giver anyway because he works full time, but is it really too much to ask that he gets up with Dd in the morning occasionally and not pretend to be oblivious to the fact that she's awake?! He has to be up at 6:30 on work days anyway!

OP posts:
pleaseholdyourcallisimportant · 16/06/2016 06:55

YANBU that would piss me off no end. Have you asked him why he pretends to be asleep? If he denies it I would tell him you will set his alarm for 6am 2 days a week so he can do his bit.
What happens at the weekend?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/06/2016 06:58

Suggest alternating the 6-7:15 slot. Maybe don't bring her into your bed, take her downstairs.

PirateFairy45 · 16/06/2016 07:00

'Wake' him up and tell him to get his lazy ass up to play with his daughter.

Spadequeen · 16/06/2016 07:00

Have you tried talking to you dh?

branofthemist · 16/06/2016 07:04

And what has he said when you say you are pissed off?

Or wake him up and tell him to sort her out?

Yanbu he should be doing his fair share (when he is there) without being prompted. But I would like to know what his thoughts are on it.

soundsystem · 16/06/2016 07:05

That would piss me off, but - to be honest - I wouldn't lie there getting annoyed about it. I'd get up with DD, do nappy change and take her downstairs/play with her in her room to let DH sleep. And then the next morning I'd nudge him awake and say "your turn" and go back to sleep myself.

Original poster
MyBreadIsEggy · 16/06/2016 07:10

Usually, I do take her dowstairs to do nappy change and get her milk etc...but today I thought "enough of this shit" and thought I would let Dd "wake" DH in her own special way Grin....and he still ignored her.
I did ask this morning why he was pretending to be asleep, and the response I got was "you've been up five minutes and your pissed off already?" - hmmmm I wonder why?!!

OP posts:
Original poster
MyBreadIsEggy · 16/06/2016 07:13

And I genuinely think that if I didn't get up, he would leave Dd awake in her room until she got too upset for him to ignore her anymore Hmm he's not exactly swift when it comes to her needs, but then gets annoyed if she gets whingey Hmm

OP posts:
pleaseholdyourcallisimportant · 16/06/2016 07:15

Well he sounds like a devoted dad Hmm

pleaseholdyourcallisimportant · 16/06/2016 07:17

Sorry, that was snippier than I intended.

What happens at the weekend OP?

WellErrr · 16/06/2016 07:20

He sounds a right tit. I'd have it out with him.

Dozer · 16/06/2016 07:20

Just tell him what days / nights are his responsibility and stick to it. "Help" him wake up as required when it's his turn. If he's an arse about it in addition to failing to do his share thus far in a passive/aggressive way then you have a bigger problem.

Original poster
MyBreadIsEggy · 16/06/2016 07:21

That's the thing pleasehold, when he actually gets his act together and plays the "parenting game" he does fine. Sometimes needs a bit of prompting from me, but that's neither here nor there - it's small things like "what else should I give her for lunch? She's had a sandwich and some cheese already, should give her yoghurt or fruit?" That doesn't bother me. It's just how long it takes him to do something about it when Dd wants/needs something!

OP posts:
mumto1babyboy · 16/06/2016 07:22

My OH is the same and it's ruining our relationship, I would say something here but it would cause such controversy to do with fathers but I'm keeping my mouth shut as there are dads out there who do pull there weight, unfortunately my partner thinks our LO Is more of a nuisance. SadSadSadSad

EsmeraldaEllaBella · 16/06/2016 07:26

Do you work? When I was on mat leave I saw it as my 'job', especially when dh is going to work

pleaseholdyourcallisimportant · 16/06/2016 07:26

But what does he do at the weekend re getting up with baby? Does he do it off his own back? Do you still do it?

In the nicest way MyBread you seem ok with him doing the bare minimum and when he chooses to play "the parenting game" It isn't a game you can dip in and out of. Surely he realises this?

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 16/06/2016 07:28

At 5.50am say in a low voice..."do you fancy some morning sex?"

See if he miraculously hears that in his "sleep".

My Ex used to do the same op. It drive me mad.

Original poster
MyBreadIsEggy · 16/06/2016 07:33

Ineed that is a fantastic idea!

pleasehold I think it's because I'm the one that's here all the time with Dd, sometimes I'm just on autopilot and automatically do everything childcare-related without thinking about it, so DH has got used to that. And when I actually do need help with Dd so I can get something else done, he doesn't think to just do it - I have to ask. Once he's "in the zone", it's not a problem, I can leave him to it and I know whatever Dd needs will get done.
He's on annual leave at the moment, so I don't know if it's the fact that he doesn't know our day time routine when he's not here? But I highly doubt it, because our routine is the same at weekends when he is here Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
MyBreadIsEggy · 16/06/2016 07:34

And I'm halfway through my pregnancy with DC2, so it worries me a little that I'm still going to be prompting him to care for Dd while I'm sofa-bound with a newborn permanently attached to my boobs Hmm

OP posts:
Witchend · 16/06/2016 07:37

How fo you know he is actually awake? It sounds like you're just assuming he is on the basis no one would sleep through it.

Dh used not to wake for the dc, whereas I still tend to wake if they're off to the loo in the night.
I remember feeling irritated one tine when dd2 was little and putting her screaming right next to his ear, and he vaguely moved. He does a rotten pretense at being asleep so he was genuinely. Difference was for me, if I woke him and said I needed help, then he did help without complaint. However it generally was simpler for me to deal with it, than wake him up. As by the time he was awake I was thoroughly awake too.

I was told when dd1 was little that when you're bfing you have something (hormone?) that stops you sleeping so deeply so you wake easier. However I do still wake much easier for the dc (not anything else) and I haven't bf for a number of years Grin... My youngest is 8yo.

liquidrevolution · 16/06/2016 07:38

I am not a morning person but DH is so DH deals with DD and her early mornings so I can get dressed etc before he goes to work. I do the night wakings. It's fair that way.

Talk to him. Tell him he is a twatbadger.

1frenchfoodie · 16/06/2016 07:39

When he has been pretending to be asleep have you been pretending to be fine with it? If so, have a proper chat about why he does it and how it makes you feel. Bottling up resentment and then bringing up when mad brings a lot of emotion into the situation. Then there is a risk you have a discussion about how the issue was raised, not the real problem.

If my DH is not getting up with our 3mo or if I bring her into bed for a feed he lies there silently just breathing as though asleep when clearly not. When I asked why he said that if he is hoping to get back to sleep then that is his best chance. But he will do the morning or a night feed in a shot if I suggest sharing. He is more of a night owl where I am an early bird so it happens that I'd rather do the first feed and change of the day while he sleep for an extra hour or two .

Having said this my DH has erratic shifts, often starting late morning or early afternoon and getting in at 9, 10, 11pm. I am a bit puzzled as to why your DH doesn't do morning change, feed etc if he is getting up for work minutes later anyway though - does he think he can't do it on his own as it would make him late for work?

EsmeraldaEllaBella · 16/06/2016 07:40

Wow. If I was pregnant I would definitely expect some morning help now and again!

pleaseholdyourcallisimportant · 16/06/2016 07:40

Does he get up with the dc at the weekend? Without prompting? Does he do stuff when not in the zone without prompting?

What is there to ask though? Dc needs feeding - you feed them. They are whinging in their cot - you get them up. They need a nappy changing - you change it. Clothes need washing - you wash them. None of it is rocket science. Floor needs washing/sweeping/hoovering - you do it. People know this. If they choose to ignore it, it is because they are lazy and don't think it is important.

ArnieChops · 16/06/2016 07:40

YANBU but you do need to nip this in the bud once and for all before your LO arrives.
I'd have a sit down chat with him and explain what you want him to do.
My DH works full time and does every other night and gets up in the morning on his nights so that I can stay in bed until 8am- I also get a lie in until 10am every Sunday if I want one. We have two very close together and we sorted this routine out 6 weeks after DD was born (our first). Pretty much due to the fact that I had severe exhaustion and wouldn't put her down or let him do much so he put his foot down.
Your DH is being a bit of a lazy git. Give him a kick up the arse OP!