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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off?

46 replies

MyBreadIsEggy · 16/06/2016 06:46

Every single morning without fail, Dd (13mo) wakes between 6am and 6:30am - which is fine. Majority of the time she sleeps through from 7:30pm until then anyway. But what is really starting to piss me off, is DH! Every morning when she wakes up, and on the odd occasion she does wake in the night, he pretends to be asleep!! He is quite clearly not asleep.
Dd can be quite loud when she's chatting/singing to herself/crying, and we have thin walls. If I'm downstairs and she wakes from I nap, I can hear her without a baby monitor - so there's no way DH can't hear her only one room away!
But this morning, yet again, I'm the one who gets up to go and see to Dd! I brought her into our room for a cuddle in our bed and a nappy change - a cuddle in our bed usually involves her climbing on us, touching faces etc.....and he still pretended to be asleep.
I'm the primary care giver anyway because he works full time, but is it really too much to ask that he gets up with Dd in the morning occasionally and not pretend to be oblivious to the fact that she's awake?! He has to be up at 6:30 on work days anyway!

OP posts:

pleaseholdyourcallisimportant · 16/06/2016 07:41

Sorry - but I hate this low level shit. I think I am wording my posts too harsh.

Original poster

MyBreadIsEggy · 16/06/2016 07:50

No pleasehold you're posting style is exactly how I'm feeling! I don't think "pissed off" was the right wording for my title. It should have been "exasperated".
I think I'm past being angry about it. I'm at the point where I just think "surely any adult that is sound of mine can see that her nappy needs changing? So why hasn't it been done?!"

OP posts:

Original poster

MyBreadIsEggy · 16/06/2016 07:52

And it's not so much that I'm the one getting up in the mornings that's bothering me - early mornings aren't the problem....it's that I know if I didn't do it, Dd would be left awake in her room until she couldn't be ignored anymore

OP posts:

Dozer · 16/06/2016 08:47

That's not Ok. Why are you putting up with this shit?

pleaseholdyourcallisimportant · 16/06/2016 09:15

Does you H ignore things at work too until he has no choice but to deal with them? Does he need a lot of guidance and direction at work too?

Original poster

MyBreadIsEggy · 16/06/2016 09:19

pleasehold no! He's in the forces, and has a position of responsibility - a kind of managerial role where he is responsible for the other 5, lower ranking members of his team. So it's not as if he can't delegate or use his noggin

OP posts:

pleaseholdyourcallisimportant · 16/06/2016 09:22

Well sod that then! Isn't he embarrassed that he can't think for himself when it comes to his own child?

What does he say when you bring this up with him?

Original poster

MyBreadIsEggy · 16/06/2016 09:31

If I mention it, he acts as though I've just ripped his nuts off and stomped on them in front of him!
If I say "you've been in here with Dd for 15 mins and haven't thought to change her nappy??"
He gets his "sad face" on and says "well sorry....." And not much else

OP posts:

HermioneJeanGranger · 16/06/2016 09:39

Wait, you're pregnant and he's on annual leave and he doesn't bother getting up with his DD in the mornings? That's awful.

He's on holiday from work, not from being a parent! Tell him to get his arse out of bed and deal with it. Ignore the sad faces - just tell him he's a grown adult and should be perfectly capable of making sure his DD is well looked after. If he strops, ask him why he thinks it's okay for his pregnant wife to get up every morning while he lies around in bed and pretends to be asleep?

He sounds monumentally selfish and I'd be wanting him to buck his ideas up before baby no.2 arrives and you're left to sort out two children every day while he lays in bed and ignores everyone.

pleaseholdyourcallisimportant · 16/06/2016 09:40

He would accept that reaction from the 5 members of his team that he manages would he? They could forget to do something and just give him a sadface and a and he would leave it would he?

Sorry lovey, you are being taken for a fool.

Sorry if I sound harsh, I have 3 sons and no fucking way are my sons going to get away with this kind of crap.

I have a dd too - I am doing my damndest to raise her to have higher expectations.

Dozer · 16/06/2016 09:46

Have you read the thread on deliberately incompetent men?

Original poster

MyBreadIsEggy · 16/06/2016 09:53

It's so frustrating, because as I said before, it's not like he does a shit job - he can change nappies without any issues, he can feed Dd, he can put her to bed etc all without any instruction/assistance from me, and somerimes
he does do those things without me having to ask, but it seems to be the times where it's blatantly obvious that I could use some help, that he doesn't take it upon himself to just do it!
If it was anything else, for example, I'm busy putting laundry away upstairs and there's some dirty dishes in the sink and he doesn't think to do the dishes while I'm doing the laundry, I would just leave the dishes and it would become a bit of a stalemate! If he doesn't do it, then I'm not doing it. But I can't just leave Dd in a wet nappy if he hasn't changed it while I'm busy doing something else

OP posts:

pleaseholdyourcallisimportant · 16/06/2016 09:58

Ok. So he can change nappies, feed dd, put her to bed etc without instruction and without being asked. But if he sees you busy and needing help he suddenly loses that ability? Why?

pleaseholdyourcallisimportant · 16/06/2016 10:00

Best thing someone said to me years ago - if this was your dd feeling how you do what would you say to her?

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 16/06/2016 10:54

He sounds a bit institutionalised. My ex was a WO with management over young soldiers but only in what he was trained in. The life skills other people had were completely missing, he'd been mollycoddled in lots of ways.

If you barked an order at him though - he'd jump!

And could sleep through a tank driving outside because of years spent in tents, noisy barracks etc.

It was super annoying being his "boss" to get things done.

Original poster

MyBreadIsEggy · 16/06/2016 14:20

It could well be that!
I have mentioned it to him again today, and he said he doesn't want to be seen as interfering with our normal routine when he's on leave, so just waits for me to ask him to do something
But since then, he's been using his common sense and just getting things done. Dd was getting a bit whingey a few mins ago, so he took her to the playroom end of the living room and is playing with her, making plastic food and tea with her play kitchen!

OP posts:

TheSparrowhawk · 16/06/2016 14:29

DH used to be like this. It got infinitely worse after our second child was born and I was inches from divorcing him. Luckily he stepped up his game and we're fine now. You need to put your foot very firmly down now before DC2 arrives and you're too exhausted to tackle it.

Sit down with him and make it clear that if he's just going to hang around and wait for you to do things or to tell him what to do then he might as well just go as he's no use. Don't fall for the sad eyes bullshit - if he does that tell him he's manipulating you into accepting a situation that causes you upset and stress and that he's damaging your relationship.

TheSparrowhawk · 16/06/2016 14:30

BTW DH and I take turns getting up with the kids in the morning. It's very straightforward and there's no need for arguments.

pleaseholdyourcallisimportant · 16/06/2016 14:33

^^what Sparrow said. Though I would add on the end - not just damaging yours and his relationship but his relationship with his dc.

I will be honest - I read so many threads like this it makes me glad I am a single parent. I expect to have to guide and teach my dc. No fucking way am I doing that to an adult.

FireTruckOhFireTruck · 16/06/2016 15:50

YANBU - he needs to start pulling his weight, it's not fair on you at all.

coco1810 · 16/06/2016 16:56

First OP, you are BOTH primary carers as you both live in the same house. Secondly, you work. You are a full time mom, that is much harder than being at work full time.

You need to tell DP that he has to do which ever mornings, non negotiable. My DP could not cope with night feeds so I would do between 11pm and 4am anything after 4am DP would have DC. He had Wednesday as his lie in, I has Sundays. Our DC are 12 and 7, we still stick to this. Speak up now or your going to be exhausted once your baby comes.

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