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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To just want some bloody furniture?

169 replies

CockleCockleShell · 15/06/2016 17:45

DP and I moved into a new flat in April. We'd been renting a one bed furnished flat in the posh bit and bought an unfurnished four bed place in the shit up and coming area. I'm not on the deeds or the mortgage because DP is an accountant and, according to the bank, a proper person. I'm a lowly postgrad with no job security or taxable income, so all my savings were to go for the furniture budget and I pay him half the mortgage every month plus bills so it's about even.

As our first flat was getting sold by the landlord, we packed up our stuff and put it into storage and moved into my best mate's place for a few weeks. Then when we moved in, I was away at a conference then he was away, plus I work opposite hours to him.

During this time, DP argued that there was no point considering any kind of furniture, even a bed, because we didn't know the dimensions. Fair enough, but after nearly two months on an airbed, I put my foot down and we got one ordered for delivery the week we moved in. Bed is a bed no matter how big or small your rooms are! After some stropping, he went and let me buy some bedding. Under duress. Because he figured that a sleeping bag works just as well. A week later, he bought a tape measure.

In the first week we went bed shopping, we back with two Indian chests and a tree trunk for a coffee table. End of discussions. Still no chairs, no clothes storage, no kitchen table. Beanbags instead, and I'm not allowed a microwave because he thinks they're trying to kill him. Cutlery because I told him I'd go without him and pick it for him.

After another month, I shouted at him because our clothes are STILL in boxes and there'd be no movement or discussion on the wardrobe front because the bedroom 'design' means absolutely nothing in it but a bed and two rugs (from the old place). He build a garment rail out of copper piping in the boxes room that's held to the wall with climbing quickdraws because copper piping is fuckingbendy.

Turned a cupboard into a wardrobe with IKEA crates. Shouted and bribed and moaned and he went shopping for chairs. We came back with a Victorian painting easel and a box of medical textbooks from 1890. No chairs. The crates don't fit in the cupboard. He's decided we need more space and wants to build a new rail upstairs. That was about a month ago. It's now the place he hides boxes he wants me to think he's unpacked.

Forced him to IKEA to get the office set up so I can finally do some work. Got desks, which he complained were too small, then we finally got chairs. DP is a ridiculous person and we've got multi-coloured egg chairs. Bribed him to go to a furniture shop and he stormed out because he thinks it's not cool enough and it's the kind of furniture owned by people on Gogglebox he doesn't like it.

Ordered sofas a few weeks ago but they come in July. We've got a table made by some social enterprise that also takes weeks but I had to bribe him with 'urban botanist' plants so he'd buy legs for the fucking thing. Legs are in a box in our hallway. He let me buy shelves so I'd stop shouting at him. There's nothing on the shelves because he wants it to be minimalist.

Our friends think it's hilarious but they don't have to live here. I hate beanbags. We don't have any lights, or proper chairs, and our stuff is all in boxes and this week he spent £20 on a ham stand for the kitchen. I've got 5k sat in a bank account from working ten hour night shifts, it's not like he's got to fork out for any of it! But if I buy things he'll sulk like fuck!

AIBU? Should I just roll with it and accept it takes an age to furnish a place?

OP posts:
Want2bSupermum · 16/06/2016 13:24

I read on page one that you like this guy because he is spontaneous. Errrr run. Don't look back. Just run. He doesn't sound spontaneous. He sounds like a bloody nightmare. Imagine having a child with this man. The child would be in school before they had a place to sleep.

Seriously you should be on the deeds and do not spend a penny on furniture until you are. Cancel the sofa order and don't do anymore IKEA trips. Get on free cycle and pick up stuff on there and gumtree. In London I walked around posh parts and picked up lovely furniture that others had thrown out.

MyKingdomForBrie · 16/06/2016 13:42

Sometimes mumsnet is a parallel universe. It's his house, he bought it with his money. OP lives in it and pays rent. Similar threads on 'should I pay rent?' Always end up with a majority 'yes!' - why wouldn't she?!

She's not a SAHM, she's a student. He's not financially controlling - they were given JOINT financial advice that she should not be on the mortgage as together they would not be lent enough money. She was at the meetings - do you suggest the professionals all lied and colluded with her DP?! Fucking ridiculous.

She CANNOT be on the deeds without being on the mortgage as this will halve the mortgage companies security. They will have a restriction on title to prevent any such registration. It's either both mortgage and deeds or neither, unless half the value of the house covers the outstanding mortgage.

I have to admit I wouldn't furnish it from my savings until I was on the mortgage/deeds - those should be joint income purchases until such time, if you have any doubts about the r/ship.

Fatcakes · 16/06/2016 13:43

He won't "let" you do this, you're not "allowed" to do that? Sounds like you have no power in your relationship at all.

Vixyboo · 16/06/2016 14:44

My dp and I are not married. We both work but he earns much more as I look after ds a lot. His parents gave us a huge sum of money towards a deposit.

Our sollicitor advised my dp to get me to sign something to agree I wasn't entitled to the money from his parents. The document would have cost £50 for sollicitor to do and I was willing to sign it. Dp said no he trusts me and he didn't want to pay £50!!

We are both on the mortgage. We our joint owners. Xx

Vixyboo · 16/06/2016 14:48

Kingdom makes some very good points.

Also, I enjoyed the initial sitting on cushions until we got a sofa! We slept on a mattress from Freecycle until we could afford a bed and new mattress!

It is not unusual to start off with hardly any furniture

Laquitar · 16/06/2016 16:27

He is not 'spontaneous'. He bought a 4 bed house in an 'upcoming' area, plans to rent it out etc. Not your usual spontaneous guy you date when you are 25 years old.

As for OP paying half his mortgage being like rent, no at 25 you can rent a room in a flatshare with fun people. Probably cheaper than half his mortgage, furnished, and more fun.

The thing is you are 25 and you have no house on your name and no fun either. Basically you have the worst bits of each situation.

Stormtreader · 16/06/2016 17:50

Hes quickly correcting you from "his house" to "our house" because thats what he wants to think, but hes acting like its his house.
When you live with someone, you cant have total veto over every design decision - if he wants everything exactly his own way, he needs to live by himself.

MerilwenRose · 16/06/2016 19:57

I had an utter arsehole of a boyfriend once who, amongst many things, wouldn't let me buy a proper bed, a wardrobe or bedroom curtains. I had a lot of fun buying furniture when I dumped him :)

Didactylos · 16/06/2016 20:12

having exhaustively researched ham stands I would like to know if his new ham stand is folding, retractable, adjustable, rotary or boneless

Who knew it was such a design minefield?

Want2bSupermum · 16/06/2016 20:20

It's Father's Day here on Sunday. DH is in the pork industry. I have ordered a ham stand for him.

As an auditor I can confirm there are plenty of accountants out there who try far too hard to be hipster and it doesn't change the fact that they are still boring.

wibblewobble8 · 16/06/2016 20:32

only the op knows her dp. When dp & I bought our first house (Council house) it was solely in my name as that what was on my rent book. However dp was the higher earner by far and paid all the bills. Id be pretty annoyed if people told dp i was taking him for a ride. Thats just how it worked out. After 3 years I gifted him half the house and then we remortgaged later together. as for the furniture issue, that sounds annoying as fuck. Id probably just buy stuff and let him find out about it when he came home. But id go for cheap/2nd hand stuff just now and keep most of savings in the bank. Do you have any auctions nearby, you can get some really really cheap designer/pretty furniture from them.

whois · 16/06/2016 20:45

There is quite a bit of hysteria about OP not being on the deeds.

I'm buying a place. It's my deposit and I'll pay the mortgage. Like fuck is DP 'going on the deeds'. He can move in with me, and pay something towards bills, or he can choose to live elsewhere.

Note he will not be paying anything towards the mortgage tho. Suppose that's where the OPs situation is different.

Want2bSupermum · 16/06/2016 21:15

whois that's the point. She is expected to contribute but her opinion isn't heard. I'd be out of there like a shot. Screw that.

HopeClearwater · 16/06/2016 22:41

I'd be out of there like a shot

With the ham stand!

nonline · 16/06/2016 23:05

It does seem that a lot of people are advising to leave a guy who OP has been with a long time and is otherwise happy with?! He just has an ideal in mind (which will probably never be reached) and needs some help being practical.

I would still push for cheapo temp furniture - the sort one might need to buy for a rented room anyway.

I'm sort of the same really about appliances - I would complain if OH bought a 'crap' brand but probably too slow 'researching' the best on which time his purchase would be doing the job just fine.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 16/06/2016 23:55

Was wistfully not really musing about the doppelgänger hipster accountant boyfriend of my youth who refused to buy furniture, lampshades and curtains, and i remembered how the toilet bowl in his flat had a hole in it (where he'd dropped something in it and it had cracked). Hole was about the size of a 5p piece, and directly in the 'line of sight', so to speak, of his pissing. He determined that because he had a hole in his toilet bowl, he couldn't invite friends round, and because he never had friends round, he didn't really need to fix it, as the piss that leaked onto the bathroom carpet was his anyway.

he was mightily pissed off when the estate agent told him he wouldnt market the flat until it was replaced.

Happy days . How lovely to know that OP will be reliving them all with her squeeze.

CockleCockleShell · 17/06/2016 00:05

Blessed He's annoying practical. E.g washer dryer broke. He took it apart to fix it straight away. Fannied about before accepting that he's not got a fucking clue what he's doing qualification in plumbing and went "yep, get a new one." Paid straight away.

It's arriving on Saturday, when he's also building the upstairs cupboard into a wardrobe and unpacking the remaining boxes. Sofas arrive three weeks sooner than I think they do, and he's coming with me to buy lighting when they're here. We'll see if he does, but after a two hour lecture on growing the fuck up ownership and him having to act like a proper homeowner for once he's conceded defeat.

We had a chat about the fact that I put mugs away to appease him and as a result he can put boxes away to appease me. Then he looked at cables with me to move the TV to a more sensible place, added it to his weekend building list.

Also, flat shares... fuck that! I did it for four years. Loved the guys, but I'd take limited functional furniture over limited heating and space any day! Every single place was a shithole and it wasn't even cheaper than here. DP might be a bit slow off the mark, but he's not as bad as my old landlord who came round every month to glue the chairs back together with wood glue because they were about twenty years old and built a work surface right across the middle of the kitchen so it was completely unuseable. I go away on research leave all the time to stay with a bunch of mates in a rented place and it's bad enough for two weeks let alone permanently Grin

OP posts:
TheBlessedCheesemaker · 17/06/2016 00:17

Methinks that you will have fun with him for a while, but that you will also, at some point, move on. Being off the wall is great, but generally it depends on having somone in the background sorting things out and doing the boring stuff that comes with functioning in society. Not a role for the doctor in the house.

Parker231 · 18/06/2016 17:56

I find it very sad that in 2016 women do not protect their financial security. Rule One - get yourselves on the property deeds/mortgage. It's not the 1950's ! Why are you accepting being a second class citizen?

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