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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To just want some bloody furniture?

169 replies

CockleCockleShell · 15/06/2016 17:45

DP and I moved into a new flat in April. We'd been renting a one bed furnished flat in the posh bit and bought an unfurnished four bed place in the shit up and coming area. I'm not on the deeds or the mortgage because DP is an accountant and, according to the bank, a proper person. I'm a lowly postgrad with no job security or taxable income, so all my savings were to go for the furniture budget and I pay him half the mortgage every month plus bills so it's about even.

As our first flat was getting sold by the landlord, we packed up our stuff and put it into storage and moved into my best mate's place for a few weeks. Then when we moved in, I was away at a conference then he was away, plus I work opposite hours to him.

During this time, DP argued that there was no point considering any kind of furniture, even a bed, because we didn't know the dimensions. Fair enough, but after nearly two months on an airbed, I put my foot down and we got one ordered for delivery the week we moved in. Bed is a bed no matter how big or small your rooms are! After some stropping, he went and let me buy some bedding. Under duress. Because he figured that a sleeping bag works just as well. A week later, he bought a tape measure.

In the first week we went bed shopping, we back with two Indian chests and a tree trunk for a coffee table. End of discussions. Still no chairs, no clothes storage, no kitchen table. Beanbags instead, and I'm not allowed a microwave because he thinks they're trying to kill him. Cutlery because I told him I'd go without him and pick it for him.

After another month, I shouted at him because our clothes are STILL in boxes and there'd be no movement or discussion on the wardrobe front because the bedroom 'design' means absolutely nothing in it but a bed and two rugs (from the old place). He build a garment rail out of copper piping in the boxes room that's held to the wall with climbing quickdraws because copper piping is fuckingbendy.

Turned a cupboard into a wardrobe with IKEA crates. Shouted and bribed and moaned and he went shopping for chairs. We came back with a Victorian painting easel and a box of medical textbooks from 1890. No chairs. The crates don't fit in the cupboard. He's decided we need more space and wants to build a new rail upstairs. That was about a month ago. It's now the place he hides boxes he wants me to think he's unpacked.

Forced him to IKEA to get the office set up so I can finally do some work. Got desks, which he complained were too small, then we finally got chairs. DP is a ridiculous person and we've got multi-coloured egg chairs. Bribed him to go to a furniture shop and he stormed out because he thinks it's not cool enough and it's the kind of furniture owned by people on Gogglebox he doesn't like it.

Ordered sofas a few weeks ago but they come in July. We've got a table made by some social enterprise that also takes weeks but I had to bribe him with 'urban botanist' plants so he'd buy legs for the fucking thing. Legs are in a box in our hallway. He let me buy shelves so I'd stop shouting at him. There's nothing on the shelves because he wants it to be minimalist.

Our friends think it's hilarious but they don't have to live here. I hate beanbags. We don't have any lights, or proper chairs, and our stuff is all in boxes and this week he spent £20 on a ham stand for the kitchen. I've got 5k sat in a bank account from working ten hour night shifts, it's not like he's got to fork out for any of it! But if I buy things he'll sulk like fuck!

AIBU? Should I just roll with it and accept it takes an age to furnish a place?

OP posts:
TheseLittleEarthquakes · 15/06/2016 18:38

Just for contrast, when I moved in with DH (then DP), I contributed exactly nothing. About six months later we sold his flat and bought a house 'together', again I contributed nothing and wasn't on the mortgage as I was a SAHM to my two children from my first marriage. I was well aware that if we split up I'd be walking away with nothing, but that was fine as I hadn't contributed anything.

Two years later we were married and when it came to remortgage it went in both our names.

I completely redecorated and furnished our home. All money was family money. It was always our house.

The same goes for our present house. Even though the bulk of our equity is from DHs original flat sale.

It's really off that he expects you to contribute to half of an asset that is entirely his. And even worse that you don't have any say in how it's furnished.

SuburbanRhonda · 15/06/2016 18:38

If you have a PhD you are a proper doctor Smile

Didactylos · 15/06/2016 18:39

^'two Indian chests and a tree trunk for a coffee table'
'garment rail out of copper piping in the boxes room that's held to the wall with climbing quickdraws '
'Victorian painting easel and a box of medical textbooks from 1890.
No chairs.'
'a table made by some social enterprise '
'I had to bribe him with 'urban botanist' plants'
'this week he spent £20 on a ham stand for the kitchen'^

My only suggestion is that you channel your irritation into starting a flippant blog featuring his design choices called something like 'nesting with a hipster'
this is probably not a helpful suggestion

RebeccaNoodles · 15/06/2016 18:39

I'm on the deeds though not on mortgage. Perfectly possible. One phone call to the solicitor and one-off fee of £250 or something.

OneEpisode · 15/06/2016 18:41

I don't really understand this. What has your DP told the mortgage lender about you? Have you been described as a lodger? Have you waived all rights to the house as a part of that?

RhiWrites · 15/06/2016 18:42

I don't think the problem is that he's a weirdo hipster. I actually believe OP will be added to the mortgage next year.

But he doesn't allow her any agency in her home. He's fucking about with Han stands and she doesn't have anywhere to put stuff.

OP, tell him it's not fair to you that he is in charge of every decision and then buy a wardrobe. If he hates the site of it he can buy a hessian screen to hide it.

TheseLittleEarthquakes · 15/06/2016 18:42

When we bought (DH bought) our first house I had to sign a document saying I had no rights of possession. Did you do something similar?

BobbinThreadbare123 · 15/06/2016 18:43

Agreed, SuburbanRhonda!

OP, if you're paying half the mortgage, you should be ON the mortgage. Names can go on, but they can ignore your income. Should it go tits up, you HAVE contributed so you should be able to get some equity, possibly minus the deposit your partner put it.

I've been there, done that (post grad and all...). My marriage ended, after 11 years together and I didn't see it coming. XH was a shit about financial stuff (apparently, a PhD student who gets a stipend which is the same as a salary since it's not taxed doesn't count as a real human in the same way as a tax payer to him...)

RhiWrites · 15/06/2016 18:44

*Ham stands not Han stands or handstands.

PHeadPH · 15/06/2016 18:45

If you have a PhD you are a proper doctor

...but not a Doctor Doctor according to some WinkConfused

whois · 15/06/2016 18:47

You're not on the deeds or mortgage, you're not married and you're paying half the mortgage? Fuck that shit.

Indeed. Fuck. That. Shit.

And he sounds like a right pain in the neck.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/06/2016 18:47

You should really be storing ham in the fridge.

He sounds a bit eccentric, you say he's off the wall, impulsive and can't focus on things...how on earth is he an accountant? Confused

whois · 15/06/2016 18:48

Didactylos ha ha ha ha ha ha :-)

My only suggestion is that you channel your irritation into starting a flippant blog featuring his design choices called something like 'nesting with a hipster'

BobbinThreadbare123 · 15/06/2016 18:50

Is the ham stand set up for hanging Billy Bear slices off it, or is it for middle class/hipster Iberico hams? This information is important.

Nannawifeofbaldr · 15/06/2016 18:51

He's really spontaneous and can't focus on things

I'm sorry Cockle but if the man's an accountant then this statement is patently bollocks.

I find sulking adults deeply unattractive but if I was living in a house without furniture solely because my OH didn't want any my sulk would be of truly EPIC proportions.

Go to IKEA and buy a bloody wardrobe and some chairs woman. He doesn't have to use them and seriously what's the worst that's going to happen?

If you decide to replace them with something better/different later you can put them in Ebay.

Tinklypoo · 15/06/2016 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nannawifeofbaldr · 15/06/2016 18:54

Oh btw get yourself some independent legal advice about the mortgage.

You're clearly not stupid, take your head out of the sand.

mouldycheesefan · 15/06/2016 19:01

I think the op finds the whole " aren't we kooky! Real,life is too boring for us, we are spontaneous people who sit on bits of piping and eat from a ham stand" fun at the moment. I foresee that waning.....🙄

TooLazyToWriteMyOwnFuckinPiece · 15/06/2016 19:06

I guess if you're an accountant you have to do some odd things to "crazee it up a bit".

NarcyCow · 15/06/2016 19:12

I'm also willing to believe that he means well and that you will end up on the mortgage and deeds. But think about the 'I thought he'd have his shit together by now' thing. Are you happy to spend the rest of your life thinking that? When you have babies and kids and teenagers, will you be happy for them to live in an off-the-wall, full-of-character and ham stands home that's not comfortable and barely functional? Will you be happy not to do anything till he's ready to do it, and then do it his way? Because I'm not sure I could live like that.

BikeRunSki · 15/06/2016 19:18

I don't think your name has to be on the mortgage to be on the deeds.

BikeRunSki · 15/06/2016 19:19

I rather like the QuickDraw clothes rail.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 15/06/2016 19:22

He's done a number on you wrt paying half the mortgage and furniture. If you aren't on the deeds as co-owner you have no claim on the house - even in 10 years and 2 kids time.

I suspect as an accountant he will know this only too well.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 15/06/2016 19:23

Can you please at least buy him some really naff wafer thin ham for his ham stand so it has a function? Otherwise I'll have nightmares.

Only a person with a 'vision' would buy an antique easel before chairs Grin

CockleCockleShell · 15/06/2016 19:23

'Nesting with a hipster' is pretty apt!

After the garment rail fiasco he's slowly realising that these Pinerest types don't actually live in places that look like that Hmm.

I definitely think I should be more assertive. Even if you take the finances out of the question (which I shouldn't, and I'm going to check into the deeds myself) then I should still have agency to buy something myself and put it into the flat that I live in. We got the bed because I told him I was buying it and he either picks it with me or sucks it up. Ditto sofas: I told him I was going to buy it anyway. And the table, actually. When I say I'm shouting at him, it's me telling him I'm getting in the car, going to IKEA and buying a wardrobe and either he comes up with a more 'him' solution right there and then or he deals with what I come home with.

We've only been in the flat three months though. RL friends think I'm BU because I expect to have everything sorted pretty well straight away when it doesn't work like that. I keep being told to be more patient and buy one item a month

OP posts: