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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To just want some bloody furniture?

169 replies

CockleCockleShell · 15/06/2016 17:45

DP and I moved into a new flat in April. We'd been renting a one bed furnished flat in the posh bit and bought an unfurnished four bed place in the shit up and coming area. I'm not on the deeds or the mortgage because DP is an accountant and, according to the bank, a proper person. I'm a lowly postgrad with no job security or taxable income, so all my savings were to go for the furniture budget and I pay him half the mortgage every month plus bills so it's about even.

As our first flat was getting sold by the landlord, we packed up our stuff and put it into storage and moved into my best mate's place for a few weeks. Then when we moved in, I was away at a conference then he was away, plus I work opposite hours to him.

During this time, DP argued that there was no point considering any kind of furniture, even a bed, because we didn't know the dimensions. Fair enough, but after nearly two months on an airbed, I put my foot down and we got one ordered for delivery the week we moved in. Bed is a bed no matter how big or small your rooms are! After some stropping, he went and let me buy some bedding. Under duress. Because he figured that a sleeping bag works just as well. A week later, he bought a tape measure.

In the first week we went bed shopping, we back with two Indian chests and a tree trunk for a coffee table. End of discussions. Still no chairs, no clothes storage, no kitchen table. Beanbags instead, and I'm not allowed a microwave because he thinks they're trying to kill him. Cutlery because I told him I'd go without him and pick it for him.

After another month, I shouted at him because our clothes are STILL in boxes and there'd be no movement or discussion on the wardrobe front because the bedroom 'design' means absolutely nothing in it but a bed and two rugs (from the old place). He build a garment rail out of copper piping in the boxes room that's held to the wall with climbing quickdraws because copper piping is fuckingbendy.

Turned a cupboard into a wardrobe with IKEA crates. Shouted and bribed and moaned and he went shopping for chairs. We came back with a Victorian painting easel and a box of medical textbooks from 1890. No chairs. The crates don't fit in the cupboard. He's decided we need more space and wants to build a new rail upstairs. That was about a month ago. It's now the place he hides boxes he wants me to think he's unpacked.

Forced him to IKEA to get the office set up so I can finally do some work. Got desks, which he complained were too small, then we finally got chairs. DP is a ridiculous person and we've got multi-coloured egg chairs. Bribed him to go to a furniture shop and he stormed out because he thinks it's not cool enough and it's the kind of furniture owned by people on Gogglebox he doesn't like it.

Ordered sofas a few weeks ago but they come in July. We've got a table made by some social enterprise that also takes weeks but I had to bribe him with 'urban botanist' plants so he'd buy legs for the fucking thing. Legs are in a box in our hallway. He let me buy shelves so I'd stop shouting at him. There's nothing on the shelves because he wants it to be minimalist.

Our friends think it's hilarious but they don't have to live here. I hate beanbags. We don't have any lights, or proper chairs, and our stuff is all in boxes and this week he spent £20 on a ham stand for the kitchen. I've got 5k sat in a bank account from working ten hour night shifts, it's not like he's got to fork out for any of it! But if I buy things he'll sulk like fuck!

AIBU? Should I just roll with it and accept it takes an age to furnish a place?

OP posts:
CockleCockleShell · 16/06/2016 00:56

I haven't signed anything for the house to say I have no claim on it. I've signed nothing full stop. I'd be paying rent anyway, and to be fair, I'm 25 and although I have good qualifications I don't have a steady long-term job (and have never had one), might have to move city in a year and being tied down into a large mortgage sounds like my idea of a nightmare. I would never even consider buying a place now if it wasn't for him. He's been earning for years with cash saved and thinks it's mad to rent and went in on the property as an investment for future rental. So I might not have security, but I also don't have any major financial commitments which suits me fine. I'd only be paying someone else's mortgage anyway, I suppose. We had three years of discussing this before we got the place, it was like this entire thread over and over again!

So I might be young and stupid but at least I'm not young and in debt without a steady income Grin If I'm on the mortgage in a year or two then I benefit from an asset I haven't paid a deposit on, and if I'm not and we split up then I haven't really lost anything financially.

'He doesn't want your stuff in his house'

He doesn't want any stuff in his house.

OP posts:
Joinourclub · 16/06/2016 01:29

Um, I wasn't working when we bought our first home. The mortgage was calculated using solely my husbands salary, but I was still on the mortgage/deeds. But then we were married and I had contributed to the deposit, and we had had completely shared finances for a while.

DeathStare · 16/06/2016 04:26

But my mum pointed out to me that he's in a precarious position too: if I up a leave, he's stuck paying the whole mortgage himself and I could easily refuse to pay a single penny.

What awful advice from your mum. If you up and leave and he can't afford the mortgage alone (which he should be able to as it's solely based on his income) then the current situation is that he sells the house and keeps the equity. Your situation if you split up is that you leave with nothing - and also have to find new accommodation (with all the costs that that entails). This is grossly unfair when you are both paying into the house.

Screw the furniture OP . Keep your savings firmly nailed down. And don't pay half the mortgage until you name is on the mortgage and the deeds. Instead pay your half into your savings account.

My spider senses tell me that this man knows exactly what he's doing and that despite what he might say he very much sees this as his house and not your joint house. I suspect that one day you are going to very much need those savings.

DeathStare · 16/06/2016 04:27

*spidey not spider. Though I suppose it fits

GreatFuckability · 16/06/2016 04:52

I am absolutely HOWLING with laughter at the Ham Stand. I think he sounds hilarious whilst at the same time utterly infuriating!

Go buy yourself some furniture. from argos. watch his head explode Grin

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 16/06/2016 05:46

If it were me, I'd start showing my craaaaazzzzy side, too. By going to Ikea, alone, blowing a couple of grand on everything that normal people need and getting it all delivered and installed.

He wants minimalist design shit that will impress his hipster friends? Fine. He can replace every piece of Ikea at any time he likes with stuff more to his choosing. There will be nothing like coming in every day to Ikea to really focus his mind on sorting out his shit.

I dated a bloke like this for 7 years. even my most camp friends thought he was an arse about his design obsessions. 20 years on he hasn't changed. Just spends his money on £5k bicycles, goes on yoga retreats to Peru, and lectures everyone on their bland boring lives. The poor lamb genuinely thinks people are jealous of him and how 'out there' he is. He's an accountant too.

MardAsSnails · 16/06/2016 06:07

The only good use for a big cured ham is as a murde weapon. Clout him round the head with it, then eat the evidence.

And then Freecycle the ham stand to make sure they never suspect you.

On a rather more serious note, I can kinda understand the accountant who can't concentrate on normal house stuff. Just because someone holds professional qualifications and can function perfectly normally in a working environment doesn't make them a Responsible (or even reasonable) Adult. Both me and DH are very highly qualified, very professional positions with lots of letters after our names, in charge of huge budgets of other people's money. When it comes to actual life - not so much with the decision making. At our last house, all our clothes were piled on the floor because wardrobe buying was confusing and we wanted The Right One. In our current house we have very few working light bulbs as the light fittings have very specific bulbs that are expensive, which DH won't replace because I want new lamps but can't be arsed looking for, so it's dark most of the time. We also have the 'I could make a really cool one of whatever we need. Usually fails and looks shit, so we go for months without again until one of us strops and we go to Ikea. It's perfectly possible to act like that and have a real proper job. Thankfully for us, we're both as bad as each other.

I've never bought a ham stand or a ham as a murder weaponthough.

StatisticallyChallenged · 16/06/2016 07:12

The fact you haven't signed anything suggests he hasn't told the bank you are an occupier - check the Council of Mortgage Lenders handbook on other occupiers. Normally required for everyone who is 17+ and lives in the property.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 16/06/2016 07:20

I was in a relationship with a guy like this. It took him three years to buy a sofa because he wanted it to be the right one. We sat on cushions on the floor of his living room instead.

He was lovely but not marriage material.

DesolateWaist · 16/06/2016 07:46

Good point Mard. Steve Jobs didn't have a sofa for a year after moving into his house because he couldn't find the right one.

LisaMed1 · 16/06/2016 08:46

If he drops dead tomorrow, you are homeless tomorrow.

If he runs off with his secretary you are homeless tomorrow.

You are twenty five. Look forward to the next fifty years.

True story - my grandmother was in a similar position to you. The sofa was falling apart. She worked out the housekeeping and got a sofa on the HP. It was really needed. My mother remembers being taken to the bus stop in the middle of the night because grandfather threw them all out because grandmother had bought a sofa. In the end he relented and went the next day to the shop and paid off the sofa in full. Which grandmother had to live with for the next thirty years.

This is your life. My grandmother had to fight tooth and nail to get adequate cooking facilities, adequate furniture, adequate housing (failed on the last one) but at least she had the security of marriage. She was in her seventies when she died, just before her golden wedding, fifty years of an unnecessarily crap life (plenty of money available). Get used to making a joke out of it. It helps keep you sane. My grandmother turned to bingo.

8FencingWire · 16/06/2016 09:00

OP, I'm leaving my 19 years marriage. It started with the furniture. The places where I was allowed to keep stuff. The 'we can't afford' while I was bringing in a good salary. I don't advise it. It doesn't get better.
I too thought him being a bit of a wall was endearing. Let me tell you, almost 20 years later, he's just packing his 35 year old stained duvet (that I was never allowed to replace) and going to live with his mother.
I'm going to Ikea!

nonline · 16/06/2016 09:44

Whole mortgage/security aspect aside...
We bought a bigger house and furnished the dining room for £80 from charity shops; gave us a functional tables/chairs/cabinets and over time they can be replaced when we see the 'right' thing.

Buying cheap but 'temporary' stuff allows you to test space, layout and actually have something to sit on.

MargaretCavendish · 16/06/2016 09:52

Having read the latest post - don't spend your £5k on furniture. Really, really don't. You might need it. I don't know if you're planning for an academic job after the PhD. Whether or not you are aiming for an academic career, you almost certainly will have periods of under- and unemployment in the transition from PhD to job. Don't spend your cushion on furniture which you won't actually have any use for if you split up. Spend the bare minimum on having a bed, but you need this rainy day money. You say your funding runs out next year - are you planning to finish in three years? No, but actually are you? Because I only know one person out of dozens who actually did (I wasn't one of them). If you stay together, it is very likely that he will have to financially support you at least briefly. Is this something you've discussed?

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 16/06/2016 09:55

The lack of security does give me the fear, that's why I delayed buying a place for a few years.
Ummmm, YOU haven't bought a house ........

8FencingWire go you!!! Enjoy the shopping & good riddance manky duvet!

jay55 · 16/06/2016 10:53

I don't understand spending your savings knitting out his flat with impractical fashionable stuff.

Auntpodder · 16/06/2016 11:03

Leave and when you get your own place, buy furniture from www.the-saleroom.com. If you want cool furniture, put in 'danish' into the search terms. It, Victorian furniture, even some Georgian, is cheaper than IKEA and you don't have to unflatpack it. If it's an auction away from your local area, Shiply can transport it.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 16/06/2016 11:11

Steve Jobs didn't have a sofa for a year after moving into his house because he couldn't find the right one.

A great man, RIP, but not a fantastic role model for a life partner.

Auntpodder · 16/06/2016 11:26

Re the copper piping stand. My practical, lovely ex-builder neighbour injected liquid cement into the pipe when he was making a footrail (or something). Not sure if Pinterest types do though...

RB68 · 16/06/2016 11:48

sit him down and tell him you are inviting his colleagues round for dinner. If that doesn't make him sort his act out nothing will - then leave

londonmummy1966 · 16/06/2016 12:06

Cockleshell - apologies if someone has mentioned this up thread but even if you are not on the mortgage or deeds at the moment you can register an interest in the property with the Land Registry because you are contributing to the mortgage. You should organize this now.

www.stephensons.co.uk/site/blog/consumer-law-blog/registering_your_interest_in_a_property

If your OH is happy for you to register an interest then well and good - but do it any way regardless of his telling you that it won't matter as you will go on the deeds next year. ANd if he objects to it at least you will know where you stand with him (and can still register an interest).

The Citizen's advice bureau can help with this and the law department at your uni might well have a legal advice clinic where final year student do this sort of work under supervision by a couple of solicitors working pro-bono if your OH objects to the cost of registration (although I'd be using some of that 5K to pay for it).

MackerelOfFact · 16/06/2016 12:44

He sounds like a nightmare. In his head he's some incredibly edgy hipster and thinks the flat is going to look effortlessly trendy with upcycled shite and carefully sourced Instagram-worthy vintage items adorning it... except he completely lacks the imagination and ability to actually MAKE it look like that, so he's being an arse because he doesn't actually have a fucking clue and is generating a lot of self-conscious angst posturing as something he is not.

He's a home-owning accountant. He probably has a beard and likes brunch and cycling but that doesn't put him at the cutting edge of all things relevant. .

When he's stopped being fun, spontaneous and cool this guy is just going to be an angry ball of selfish resentment.

CockleCockleShell · 16/06/2016 13:04

RB68 I did that! That's how we got the table. I didn't even ask, I just invited people.

Definitely going to register an interest. RE finishing in three years: definitely not. But I'm not going to financially depend on him either. I didn't when I finished my UG and could barely pay rent, working ridiculously long night shifts in a bar. Can always pay rent on bar wages and tips!

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 16/06/2016 13:06

You never did answer this question:-

What would happen if you bought home a bed? Or a chair?

CockleCockleShell · 16/06/2016 13:07

Mackerel.... that's a depressing future prospect, and I really hope that's not the case. I think he'd change career before he got to that. Well, I hope so!

I think he basically needs to grow up and realise he's a homeowner now and can't piss about

Bought a washer-dryer.

OP posts:
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