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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stepdaughter issues

51 replies

Sleamum · 15/06/2016 14:59

Desperate for advice, my stepdaughter hasn't-until recently openly viewed her 'issues' about me, in the last two months it's come to a complete break down between us.
Her father and mother split 10 years ago, mum has remarried 4 years ago. My husband and I have been together 3 years, married in September.
I've never tried to be a mum to her, just a friendly family friend, my husband always put her attitude to 'being shy', he will never accept any criticism, discussion on how to manage her behave as a team.
His ex has said, even under our roof, I can say nothing critical to her, if something needs saying my husband is the only person allowed to say anything-which he doesn't as he is terrified standing up to her equals losing her, I call it parenting!
It's come to a head this last two weeks, he hasn't stood up for me against the criticism hurled at me, I may not be as happy go lucky, smiley and at her beck and call anymore but surely that's to be expected when her behaviour-to my mind is 'only child, split parents guilt, no-one said no to'.
Even Down to the fact that she has a regular injection to 'regulate her period' I say it's a depo injection-he says I'm wrong and why would his daughter and ex lie to him-basically, peeps, am I wrong even down to my thoughts on the injection-he can't even back me for that!!

OP posts:

MarcelineTheVampire · 15/06/2016 15:08

How old is she?! If her behaviour towards you is not nice then YANBU to want your DH to back you and address this.

YABU in regards to her injection- this has nothing to do with you and if her Gp and her mother are happy for her to have this I would be inclined to MYOB.

EdmundCleverClogs · 15/06/2016 15:54

I'm also curious to what exactly the issue is here. The injection is actually none of your business (I'd go as far as saying it's none of her fathers business either to be quite frank).

gettingbythistime · 15/06/2016 15:58

Sod off with the 'only child' bollocks. Ffs. That has pissed me RIGHT OFF 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

Cabrinha · 15/06/2016 15:59

Yeah, I'll join the PP telling you to fuck off with the only child hate!

Headofthehive55 · 15/06/2016 16:02

Why would you want to be critical to her? What's the injection to do with you? Or her father for that matter?

VioletBam · 15/06/2016 16:04

Yes, agree that the injection has nothing to do with you.

FaFoutis · 15/06/2016 16:05

She will be able to tell you don't like her.

corythatwas · 15/06/2016 16:05

It is possible that there is a genuine issue here, that the child is genuinely badly behaved towards you and encouraged by her father. But how are we to know this when the only example you actually give us is of you commenting on something that is none of your business?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 15/06/2016 16:06

Why are you treating her private medical stuff as a point scoring exercise?

That is nothing to do with you nor is is anything to do with anybody who she does not wish to know.

RhiWrites · 15/06/2016 16:08

I know someone who was put on contraceptives at age 11 to regulate heavy periods. So YABU about that. Do you think she's having underage sex and her mum's condoning it? That seems extreme but I can't figure out why you'd be bothered otherwise.

leopardspice · 15/06/2016 16:08

Mum dad and daughter don't want you to patent her... so offer her courtious politeness and warm smile and nothing more until (if...) she wishes to develop a relationship with you. Anything to do with her/her life/her body is not your concern and if dh tries to ask your advice tell him to ask the girls mother.

Also her being an only child is IRRELEVANT and I say that as a mum of 1

JacketPoTayTo · 15/06/2016 16:12

Her mother has no right to dictate what happens in your home. You are perfectly entitled to set reasonable boundaries and enforce them. The problem here is really your DH and he does need to step up to the plate. He's not doing his daughter any favours by refusing to parent her. I speak from personal experience.

My dad did the exact same thing with my half brothers and it's caused all sorts of problems. For everyone. They have no respect for him and have therefore missed out on having a proper dad, my mum was undermined and mistreated in her own home for years, my younger brothers and I felt sidelined because half brothers could do no wrong yet we would be disciplined quite harshly. Even my dad's exW if she's honest can't be happy with the way things have panned out. She's done some pretty nasty things but I can't believe that anybody would be happy to see their children's relationship with their dad in tatters like it is.

Where did the OP say anything hateful about only children? In my experience, and clearly the OP's too, being an only child often does affect the way that children are parented and especially when it comes to separation and divorce. That's obviously not the case for ALL only children, and your experience might be different, but everyone is entitled to an opinion without being told to 'fuck off'. Why not put your own opinion across in a grown up way instead of resorting to offensiveness?

BillSykesDog · 15/06/2016 16:22

You say you don't try to be her mother, then you say that you want to 'manage her behaviour as a team' and also dictate how she is parented. That doesn't sound like a very hand's off attitude to me.

The fact that your DH has got to the point of banning you from criticising her and butt out of 'managing her behaviour' says to me that your side of the equation in this story is not problem free.

And that stuff about the injection is absolutely vile. It's none of your business. Contraceptives are sometimes used to regulate periods. But even if they're not that's none of your business. Your husband is happy to believe that. As you don't believe it I can only assume that you believe that she is sexually active and for some reason it's important to you that your husband believes that (which is really fucking weird) and also that you can prove SD to be a 'liar' when she may just be protecting medical confidentiality to which she is legally entitled.

Neither possibility is very pleasant and it sounds like you really need to back off.

fuckincuntbuggerinarse · 15/06/2016 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Enkopkaffetak · 15/06/2016 16:37

OP go post in step parenting and explain a bit more issues over how your SD behaves in the post there, You are likely to get some sensible advice.

Only thing I will say is that with behaviour act like you would any other person if they were rude to you. Perhaps use the phrase " did you mean to be so rude" if she is rude. Your dh may not want you to correct her however that doesn't mean you need to be a doormat.

228agreenend · 15/06/2016 16:38

So she has been disrespecting you, and allowed to get away with it! You need to have serious words with dh and tell him from now onwards you parent get together. Ie, if she is rude to you, then you can tell get off.

I'm guessing the injection us just to give an example of how dh is siding with ex and daughter, and not believing you.

Your house, your rules, and if she is old enough to have periods, she is old enough to understand this.

AgathaF · 15/06/2016 16:40

There's not reaally very much information in your post. What is it exactly that she is doing that is upsetting you so much, and how do you react to what she does?

PeaceNotPieces · 15/06/2016 16:40

How old is she?

ample · 15/06/2016 16:41

Your DH needs to grow a pair and actually parent his DD and not leave the bad-cop stuff for his ex to sort out. He clearly has guilt but he needs to deal with that. Avoiding situations with his DD isn't working.
So YANBU wanting and needing his support.

The injection is none of your business.

YABVU with the 'only child' comment

JayDot500 · 15/06/2016 16:41

I don't agree that OP should try and point score regarding injection, but she's entitled to her opinion re only children.

Originalfoogirl · 15/06/2016 16:41

I went on the pill aged 12. It was purely medicinal and I can assure you I was not having sex at that age.

I can see how step parenting can be hard, but it is nothing to do with you how your partner and his ex choose to raise their child. I'm not sure how "friendly" a person can be with a child they think is spoiled and rude etc. Generally a person likes those they are friends with.

For sure, ask your partner to deal with her if he thinks she is disrespecting you. But maybe he actually agrees with your stepdaughter if she is being arsey about things you've said. I know teenagers can be irrational etc by if you genuinely are "friendly family friend" I can't imagine she would have much cause to be very disrespectful.

Bambamrubblesmum · 15/06/2016 16:41

Do you have children? Genuine question not being goady.

How old is she? Did I miss that bit?

TattyCat · 15/06/2016 16:41

Op, I'm sorry that you're clearly struggling with the dynamics. In your shoes, I'd try disengaging. That doesn't mean you don't care, it just means that you leave the parenting to her father, entirely.

Posters above are right when they say that the injection is none of your business, whatever it's for. Step back and let them get on with it. It takes some adjusting to and it doesn't mean that you ignore the child or stop talking to her - it means you stop making the way your DP parents, and the consequences of that, matter to you. It's sad but sometimes necessary for your own wellbeing.

Enkopkaffetak · 15/06/2016 16:46

The injection may not be OP's business but it ought to be something her father knows. What if she is taken ill during his care and this info could be something to decide what type of treatment she is to get?

I am not horrified at her likely having a depo injection it can be simply to regulate periods contraception is used that way. However I do think her father ought to be informed so he knows in case of emergencies.

grannytomine · 15/06/2016 16:49

Am I missing something with the injection? It doesn't matter why she is having it, the OP hasn't said anything about underage sex, why you are having the injection doesn't stop it being a depo injection.

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