Stepdaughter issues

[Sleamum]

Desperate for advice, my stepdaughter hasn't-until recently openly viewed her 'issues' about me, in the last two months it's come to a complete break down between us.
Her father and mother split 10 years ago, mum has remarried 4 years ago. My husband and I have been together 3 years, married in September.
I've never tried to be a mum to her, just a friendly family friend, my husband always put her attitude to 'being shy', he will never accept any criticism, discussion on how to manage her behave as a team.
His ex has said, even under our roof, I can say nothing critical to her, if something needs saying my husband is the only person allowed to say anything-which he doesn't as he is terrified standing up to her equals losing her, I call it parenting!
It's come to a head this last two weeks, he hasn't stood up for me against the criticism hurled at me, I may not be as happy go lucky, smiley and at her beck and call anymore but surely that's to be expected when her behaviour-to my mind is 'only child, split parents guilt, no-one said no to'.
Even Down to the fact that she has a regular injection to 'regulate her period' I say it's a depo injection-he says I'm wrong and why would his daughter and ex lie to him-basically, peeps, am I wrong even down to my thoughts on the injection-he can't even back me for that!!

I was exactly the same towards my dad's wife as a teenager. She is not my mum. She has nothing to do with me. She can not disciplin my choices.
She never tried to be my mum, it was my dad that tried to force me to 'play happy families' with her, which made me resent both of them more.

He tried to blackmail me into spending time with her. Refusing to see me if i wouldn't let her come, or simply just 'happening' to turn up with her in the same place we were going. It took 5 years, a lot of nasty emails from the both of us, and months of not talking, but he finally got the hint. I now get on with my dad fairly well, see him for dinner every few months. He has stopped turning up with the wife. I still have nothing to do with her.

So my advice - DO NOT GET INVOLVED. You will make it worse. You will make her relationship with her dad worse. Teenagers are stubbern shits and they will not give in easily.

Any injection, whatever it may be, has absolutely nothing to do with you. If she is at an age where she needs to 'regulate her periods' she is old enough to decide what to do with her body and has more than likely got the support of her mum. So whether it is contraceptive or not she shouldn't have to tell you and you shouldn't care.

You can also STFU about only children. We can, and will, kick your arse.

Mum dad and daughter don't want you to patent her... so offer her courtious politeness and warm smile and nothing more until (if...) she wishes to develop a relationship with you.

Nonsense. OP says her stepdaughter is hurling criticism at her. There is no way that has to be met with courteous politeness and a warm smile.

The fact that your DH has got to the point of banning you from criticising her and butt out of 'managing her behaviour' says to me that your side of the equation in this story is not problem free.

Where do you get that from, BillSykesDog? The OP says that he has never allowed her to criticise his daughter because he's scared that it would mean losing his daughter - there's no suggestion that that's a recent thing of caused by OP.

OP, I think your DH has to accept that, whatever goes on between him and his daughter, it is never acceptable for someone to come into your house and hurl criticism at you, and that either he needs to stop that or you must be free to tell her it is not allowed.

What has the injection got to do with anything? I'm confused.
You really need to give us more to go on than that as its really none of your business and tbh probably not her dads either. I didn't ever discuss periods or anything with my dad and I'm not sure he even knew when i started them.

The problem is that the OP says "criticism is hurled against her" (she does not specify whether by father or daughter or ex) but gives no concrete example of what kind of criticism or what are the attending circumstances. She needs to be more specific, otherwise posters are going to be stumbling around in the dark trying to extrapolate from their own experiences.

I had the luxury of a step mother for over 25 years, I love her! And it could never have happened without my mother's consent. My dads family hated her, but mum would have slapped me herself if she knew I hurled any criticism or disrespect her way. My mum could have agreed with dads family but she never let me know. As a result, I've grown close to my step mum, and she's really has been there for my brother and I, even when our dad was a bit rubbish.

I think people who tell their exes to not allow the step parent to parent are vile! That's my own perspective.

Sleamum How old is she?

A teenager I assume

As a mum to an only child for 9 years I think those of us who have had 'only' children (or are 'only' children) find the association made with it very unhelpful and negative. Rather than assuming she is doing this or that because she has no siblings I would simply concentrate on building a relationship with her that is more like a friend.

Her dad can indeed do all the parenting and disciplining, if and when it needs to be done, and if he cannot cope he needs to take a parenting (teens) course.

n your shoes I would sit down, say that things have not gone well in your relationship and you'd like them to go better and for you just to get on now she is older and you really want to try and make that a reality.

If she is rude to you, treat her as you would any other adult who is rude, extricate yourself from the situation with as few words of comment as are necessary. EG "I'm not enjoying this conversation, I'm going to go and have a read - lie down - check emails - watch tv... etc."

Remember certain conversation will be very hard for her, medical, sexual, I'd avoid these at all costs. If there is a problem, a genuine one, not just something you do not approve of, I would talk to her dad and get him to take it from there.

As a teenager (I am assuming she is) she will need more sleep, (it's a fact), more space (physical and emotional as she grows) and more slack as she is stretching between being a child and an adult.

It sounds like you really do not like each other which may well be understandable but if you want this to work you will, as the adult, need to lead the way. Read up on conflict resolution, parenting teens (to help your dh) and try and find the person in there who is 50% of the man you have chosen to marry.

I now have an 11 year old, she does my head in, she is almost a teen and has autistic tendencies, but she is very special person and I love her to bits. She no longer is an only' child as we have a five year old son by adoption too. He also does my head in, is very emotional, very bright and sometimes hard work!

I've done about 10 parenting courses over the last years!

The love I feel for both my kids is, I think, not just because I am related to them or have known them all her life. DS came to us at almost 4 and is not biologically related to our family at all.

I think the love I feel for the kids is partly because I have made time to get to know them more and make time to do things they want to do.

I've needed to do that with ds because he came to us at almost 4 and with dd to compensate for the autistic tendencies (which make things harder).

I am not a saint and if i can do it, I am sure you can but it won't be easy so commit now to make a really good effort to get to know her, find the good things in her and make the relationship as good as you can.

All the best.

I may not be as happy go lucky, smiley and at her beck and call anymore

That to me implies that you're not able to put your feelings aside for the greater good. You're the adult, she's the child! You don't get to negatively change your behaviour towards a child. Ever.

And your "only child" comment makes you sound very jealous.

If you want a "friend" role and not a "mum" role then leave the parenting to her parents.

Yes, the pill is used to regulate periods, but not the injection, especially teenagers, it's a far too strong one off dose of hormones to be used like that. I don't think the OP needs to MHOB...... I understood that her DH mentioned (incorrectly) that the injection was given for a certain reason and the OP corrected him.

Agree fact she is an only child is not especially relevant and stating it the way you have doesn't reflect well on you - she could also be a spoilt youngest/oldest/middle child/

Your DH needs to deal with it - as clearly it's a deal breaker for your ongoing relationship - most teenagers are difficult regardless of whether they are only children or in the middle of new blended family situations. You cannot let yourself become the doormat she vents every teenage angst issue onto - as she will be in this phase for a long time - and once a pattern is set eg she is allowed to treat you like that with DH doing nothing about it - then I think that's it for life

OP...... people can be rather judgemental to "evil step parents" on this part of the board. There is a step parenting section, where you're more likely to get a balanced view to your dilemma. You should try posting over there. Good luck!

Agree, people on AIBU can be quite rude at times, this isn't the best place to post!

But I think you are getting some fair and helpful comments, OP.

Your sd does not have to accept you in her life if she doesn't want. Relationships only happen if there is two way mutual consent.

I agree to butt out of the injection issue.

But the rest, yes, it's parenting and he needs to start doing that, and agree house rules etc with her and you and follow through.

I may not be as happy go lucky, smiley and at her beck and call anymore

That to me implies that you're not able to put your feelings aside for the greater good. You're the adult, she's the child! You don't get to negatively change your behaviour towards a child. Ever.

Seriously? There are some massively unrealitic posts on this thread. If you have been happy-go-lucky, smiley and at a child's beck and call, and all you get in response is criticism being hurled at you, then surely no-one seriously contends you carry on in the same way? Sure, you let them know that you love them despite their behaviour, but you equally cut down (at least temporarily) on the smiles and beck-and-call stuff and let them know that being rude is not acceptable. Ever.

Your sd does not have to accept you in her life if she doesn't want. Relationships only happen if there is two way mutual consent.

I don't read OP's posts as saying her stepdaughter has to accept her. She's basically saying she wants her husband's support in moderating stepdaughter's rude behaviour towards her. What's wrong with that?

Op not coming back, after a rather vague opening post?

I have no gripe with step parents, I just personally cannot see what the larger issues are between the op and step daughter. Some solid examples could lead to some actual advice, instead of leaving us to read between the lines.

I think it's a shame your SDs mother and your DH are the way they are. If everyone is supportive there is no reason why children can't have the best of both worlds, with more people they can love and rely on!! I have a SD who I love dearly, we didn't meet until she was 12 but her mother was very supportive and that helped DSD become part of two loving families...likewise my eldest boy has a step mother and I support their relationship entirely. His biological dad is a waste of space in my opinion but has clearly married up because his wife has been nothing but loving and supportive. The problem is it takes a lot of maturity from all sides to do what's best for the child and clearly your DHs ex is not capable and DH is clearly incapable of supporting you. It's really sad but you don't have to take abuse from DSD at all and you need to explain to DH and DSD that you will not stand for this anymore, and if you are not allowed to parent DSD while she's in your home then she must at all times behave towards you in an appropriate manner so you don't have to parent her.

abitasleep it's a shame you didn't give your stepmother a chance, you could have potentially had a much better relationship with your dad and step mum. You sound bitter and angry. It's sad.

Shame there are no specific examples but I do feel a lot of 'complaints' about teenage stepchildren could be aimed at any teenage child. My teenage (not a step child) is rude, unhelpful, thoughtless, clearly prefers his Dad to me, uncaring and generally not very pleasant to be around. I think it's called 'being a teenager'.

Your problem is with your dh. He doesn't have to change how he parents her and she doesn't have to give you a role in her life but she needs to be decent to you.

It would help to have some examples of her behaviour. Are you trying to impose things she's reacting to?

Stop with the only child hate, hate how any negative trait is automatically blamed on that.

I agree with Optimistic with regard to abitasleep's post. You sound very angry. Whilst we can chose who we have a relationship with, we also have to respect the choices others make for their own lives. Your dad loves and married your step mum, she is his life partner. Surely part of having an adult relationship with our parents is respecting them as adults and not trying to remain in the child mode by demanding that the relationship is all on your terms? I'm a step child and step mum. There's no way I'd dictate to either of my parents who I will and will not see. I respect their choice and want them to be happy. Plus I get someone to drink wine with when my dad has gone to bed - bonus

With regard to the op I do think you are overstepping the mark in terms of your desire to control behaviour or medical choices. Whilst your DSD shouldn't be rude to you its your DH that is the problem. Still don't know how old she is that would give more of a picture.

For those of you suggesting i am angry, yes i am. My dad lied to me, blackmailed me, promised me things and then took it away for years on end.

It started before he met his wife, so she is not entirely to blame, but i was not 5 when it happened, i was 15. I can't have just been expected to play nicely and play happy families by being forced into a situation i wasn't happy in. I was old enough to make my own decisions.

I never had the 'I've got a new friend' speech, i never got the quick meeting with his wife to introduce, i never had a quick dinner with her to get to know her etc, etc. I got 'this is my wife, she lives here now' when i went around to his house to visit one day, or 'we'll go out to wherever for the day' and when we arrived she is already there, so i am stuck in a place with a woman who i don't know and a dad who i am supposed to be having a ncie day with, but has just lied to me and now i feel like i can't trust. Not the best way to do it

Even now as an adult i get very anxious when get a message from him. I dread arranging to meet up with him, even for a quick dinner becuase i get so anxious beforehand i end up in tears. My life would be a lot easier if i didn't have any contact with him. I tolerate him now, but i wouldn't say my relationship with him is any better than that.

I am sorry but what this girls birth control has to do with either you or her father, is beyond me.
If you could be more specific about 'the criticism hurled at you' then people could possibly offer better advice.

Abit you sound about 12!

Honestly, if he makes you that anxious in case you happen across his wife, then why have contact at all?

OP why do you care what her injection is for? Is it a point scoring exercise?

Can you clarify the "hurling abuse"?

Because honestly you sound like you just have a problem with her existing at the moment.