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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ask about dating someone older who knew you as a baby?

39 replies

flabberbast · 14/06/2016 22:08

NC for this - but regular poster and somethings are identifying.

DD (18) has been "invited out" by the son of a family friend - I say "invited" because she's not too sure if it's a date or just platonic (her words).

The man is 27 and we've known him since he was about 8 - so he's not a stranger. DD has known him (in that he's always been around) since she can remember. He's a nice guy - I don't have any qualms about him.

She's now at university in his home town (the town he went to uni at as well) - he's a graduate with a good job and has been living there since he moved away nearly ten years ago. AFAIK he has had one serious girlfriend (lived together in rented accommodation for about 3 years) but nothing for a few years (know his parents well but not massively well).

Since DD started uni she's seen him about twice in their city (bumped into rather than arranging something) and about 3/4 times in their "home town" - we know 27 year old's parents and socialise occasionally (Christmas, BBQs etc...)

DD isn't sure whether he is just being friendly as she's fairly new to the city or whether he is interested in her. She likes him but isn't sure whether this is platonic or not.

So AIBU to ask (on behalf of DD) - is this odd or a normal thing to happen? She feels that because he's known her (platonically) since she was so young that it's "wrong" - I can't decide either way. I think she wants to give it a go and knows it's not just a friendly gesture but is unsure as to the ethics of the situation.

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 14/06/2016 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OlennasWimple · 14/06/2016 22:13

It would feel (to me) like dating an uncle. Not something I'd want to do

OhBigHairyBollocks · 14/06/2016 22:16

I am married to a man that has known me since I was 13. There are 19 years between us.
If she feels comfortable around him then I wouldn't worry too much. And rrally, 9 years difference isn't appalling Wink
I would give the same advice that I would to anyone meeting anyone- let a mate know where you're going, who you're with, agree a time to text all ok etc etc, no matter the age difference,

SmellyTelly · 15/06/2016 00:36

I had a few childhood friends and I could not date them it would feel strange. The family across the road the man used to come over all the time and was friends with my dad, when my mum and dad divorced he started lurking around our house, it was obvious he was trying to get it on with my mum.
I even saw him when i was around 16 and moved from the area and he was really pervy with me, he is like 40 something.

Kiwiinkits · 15/06/2016 01:22

Not weird. If I were your DD I'd go out with him and see. She might have a really nice time. That's a good age gap, btw, 27 year old males and 18 year old females have similar maturity levels IMO.

LazyJournalistsQuoteMN · 15/06/2016 01:38

I think if your dd is interested, go for it. He is a youngish guy, she'said a young gal, as long as they want the same things, see where it takes them.
In a different circumstance, I do know a man who is dating his deceased wife's niece. They're not blood related, but she is much younger than him, and he and his wife used to babysit her and her siblings when they were young. He is very discretely EA. Friends and family find it ShockHmmConfused.

Rainbunny · 15/06/2016 01:39

Well it's just a date. The age difference isn't too weird IMO, she'll either feel some chemistry or she won't. TBH I think it's rather a modern convention that we might feel odd about people who have known each other all their lives deciding to have a romantic relationship. It probably was very common, if not the norm not too long ago...

If it was my dd, the only thing I'd worry about is whether this slightly older man would be overbearing at all? Or just because of his extra life experience tend towards a "I know better than you" sort of attitude. Your dd needs to discover her own place in the world and her own sense of independence and have her own experiences, not be lectured or made to feel foolish by someone who has already been there and done it IYKWIM. I have no idea if this relates to the man in question, just thoughts I'd have as a mother.

Mummyme1987 · 15/06/2016 01:51

9 years older isn't much and to be honest your dd is still probably more mature than most men his age!

OiWithThePoodlesAlready · 15/06/2016 02:52

In those circumstances I don't think it's weird. The age gap really isn't too big.

If he had been an adult when your dd was a baby it would be a bit icky.

Jenijena · 15/06/2016 03:05

I once knew a couple who first met when she was 5 and he 18, very happily married and no weirdness

Original poster
flabberbast · 15/06/2016 05:51

Thanks all - it's definitely not age gap that worries her - - it's the knowing since she was young which she was worried about.

As a PP said this may be a modern thing as in the old days I guess everyone knew everyone else!

OP posts:
Dozer · 15/06/2016 07:14

I think that age gap at DD's age is too big and creepy on his part if he is interested rather than just being hospitable.

Skittlesss · 15/06/2016 07:15

It doesn't sound like they were very close when they were younger, plus it's not like he was 27 when she was born. Maybe it's better to date someone you've known a long time?

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/06/2016 07:17

Sounds a bit Emma Woodhouse and Mr Knightley tbh! He went on about knowing her as a kid and then married her anyway Wink

Bearbehind · 15/06/2016 07:22

It would feel (to me) like dating an uncle. Not something I'd want to do

What an odd thing to say Hmm

Do you have many 'uncles' who are 8 years older than you? Cousin I could understand in principle but the huge difference is you'd be dating a relative which isn't the case here.

I can't see the issue with either the age gap, they matter less and less as you get older, or the fact she's known him since she was young; there are plenty of people who date people they've known a long time before getting into a relationship; why is this any different?

Bearbehind · 15/06/2016 07:23

Sorry 9 year age gap ^^

holdontoyourbutts · 15/06/2016 07:27

I would say there is nothing strange about it, the only thing to perhaps consider about is the fact she's in her first/second year of university and he might have different life plans or goals to her. Although to be fair it sounds like you guys have a great relationship and she'd come to you if she had any concerns.

That being said nothing wrong with going out for a drink and seeing how it goes!

holdontoyourbutts · 15/06/2016 07:30

Just to add one of my best friends (27) is dating a 19 year old, they seem like a great match, happy and she's integrated into our social group really well.

Dozer · 15/06/2016 07:42

Age gaps - at different ages of the younger partnet - have been debated on other threads.

I and lots of young women I knew dated older men in our late teens - they were almost all losers or inadequate in some way. In our early 20s we also judged male friends who dated teenagers.

Late 20s men dating teenagers reflects very badly on the men IMO.

Just5minswithDacre · 15/06/2016 07:44

He was only 9 when he knew her as a baby. It's hardly a Daddy Long Legs scenario Different if the age gap was 15 years or more. It wouldn't upset me particularly, I think.

Sgtmajormummy · 15/06/2016 07:47

Isn't this how lots of relationships start? You know each other, have a similar background, start off as friends and see if there's a spark. If there isn't you just stay friends.

And at 18 she doesn't need a Mr. Knightley, better an open mind to the full range of possible relationships out there.

nannybeach · 15/06/2016 07:48

A date or platonic!!! Sounds like she is just thinking does she have to have a sexual relationship with the guy. Is that what going out with someone amounts to these days! I am 8 years older than my Husband so what, when we met I didnt demand to see his birth cert. Does she like the guy? Why does she think its "wrong"? However, if she thinks it is wrong because hes an old family friend, then DONT GO.

lionsleepstonight · 15/06/2016 07:56

Well, it's not like he's changed her nappy, which would be odd in my book. But 8 years? Sounds like he's a nice guy and its a win win situation, either she gets a boyfriend or a mate in her university town.

shovetheholly · 15/06/2016 07:59

I am not saying there's any hard and fast rule, but I would worry a bit about the age gap. The 10 years between 18 and 28 is much, much longer than 10 years between 38 and 48. That gap can easily become a difference of power, especially where one party has more money and material possessions. There's a world of responsibility, too, that comes with having a job and a load of stuff, and I'd worry that your DD's freedom to be young, free and at uni was being curtailed a bit by that.

That said, I am sure there are many successful and happy partnerships between people who met between those ages!

I don't think the fact that you've known someone since they were tiny makes a relationship 'wrong' - an adult is an adult.

myownprivateidaho · 15/06/2016 08:01

Ohh it's a bit creepy to me, sorry! He knew her from babyhood to age 8 is that right? Nothing technically 'wrong' with this, but I would have real difficulty being sexual with someone I knew as a child, and wouldn't like the idea of someone who knew me as a child being sexual to me. And agree that there's something strange about people in their late 20s dating teens. I'm 30 and 20 year olds seem so, so young.