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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ask about dating someone older who knew you as a baby?

39 replies

flabberbast · 14/06/2016 22:08

NC for this - but regular poster and somethings are identifying.

DD (18) has been "invited out" by the son of a family friend - I say "invited" because she's not too sure if it's a date or just platonic (her words).

The man is 27 and we've known him since he was about 8 - so he's not a stranger. DD has known him (in that he's always been around) since she can remember. He's a nice guy - I don't have any qualms about him.

She's now at university in his home town (the town he went to uni at as well) - he's a graduate with a good job and has been living there since he moved away nearly ten years ago. AFAIK he has had one serious girlfriend (lived together in rented accommodation for about 3 years) but nothing for a few years (know his parents well but not massively well).

Since DD started uni she's seen him about twice in their city (bumped into rather than arranging something) and about 3/4 times in their "home town" - we know 27 year old's parents and socialise occasionally (Christmas, BBQs etc...)

DD isn't sure whether he is just being friendly as she's fairly new to the city or whether he is interested in her. She likes him but isn't sure whether this is platonic or not.

So AIBU to ask (on behalf of DD) - is this odd or a normal thing to happen? She feels that because he's known her (platonically) since she was so young that it's "wrong" - I can't decide either way. I think she wants to give it a go and knows it's not just a friendly gesture but is unsure as to the ethics of the situation.

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 15/06/2016 08:05

myownprivateidaho he was a child too- it's only a 9 year age gap - it's not like an adult who knew her as s baby.

fusspot66 · 15/06/2016 08:08

Sounds to me like he's offering a friendship/introduction to the new area and they keep bumping into each other. If he wants a gf and she isn't interested she needs to make that clear in an assertive way if and when he declares an interest.

cathyandclaire · 15/06/2016 08:10

I don't think this is weird at all. He was a child and knew her as a child. I think the age gap is fine too. It sounds like they've got to know each other socially recently. Surely lots of people get together like this, with friend's older brothers etc, they just see each other in a different light.

MLGs · 15/06/2016 08:13

He was a child when he knew her as a baby so I don't think it's strange. If he had been an adult when she was born and knew her that would be a bit odd imo.

maddening · 15/06/2016 08:15

They were both children so not weird imo

Theoretician · 15/06/2016 08:37

It is a date. It shouldn't be weird, in fact this seems a very traditional way to be acquainted.

HysteriaLane · 15/06/2016 09:15

I was 20 and DH 30 when we met...happily married 10 years with two kids. He didn't know me before then mind. I have friends who I grew up with from babies who have married. I couldn't as it would feel like marrying a cousin, but that was a more intense scenario as we socialised constantly, went to school together, family's all close etc.

I would just say she go out with him and see; he may just be being kind, or he may fancy her, but there's only one way to find out.

Let us know what happens!

HysteriaLane · 15/06/2016 09:17

And I agree with pp's, he was a child when they met too. There's a big difference between 9 years and 19 years!

shiveringhiccup · 15/06/2016 10:46

I do think it is a big age gap for her at 18. There is a big difference in life experience and maturity there. Proportionally it's a big gap.

Depends very much on the individuals though, sometimes 2 years is a lot, sometimes 20 years is nothing!

Knowing each other for so long doesn't seem like an issue unless it is to her.

Pinkheart5915 · 15/06/2016 10:52

I don't see a problem with it.

At 18 I started seeing my DH he was 28, he had been best friends with my older brother for about 5 years so I'd seen his at birthday, Christmas etc when his family joined us.
Family thought it was great when we got together and later married as i am with somebody they know is ace!

corythatwas · 15/06/2016 10:55

Your title gave me the impression that this was some creepy old man who had known her as an adult when she was a baby (and potentially perved over her then).

What your OP describes otoh is simply someone that you knew when he was growing up. Which is bound to happen in closely knit communities. My dc are forever knocking into people they attended toddler group with. Would be nothing weird with them going out with one of them.

The age gap should be seen as a different issue- and that totally depends on how your dd feels about it. Our age gap was less than that, but I was 19 and had just started uni while dh had graduated and was establishing his career: we were still of a similar level of maturity. It is absolutely for your dd to decide a) if she fancies him b) if the equality/power dynamics feel right.

From an outside pov there seems nothing creepy about it. But it is very much about his personality.

tiredofbadwifi · 15/06/2016 11:13

Our neighbours (a long time ago) had an 18 year age gap. The man heard his neighbours had had a baby girl (he was 18 at the time) and went round to congratulate them. They started dating around her 17th birthday, happily married for 30+ years with several children. I wouldn't say it's strange if he's a nice guy, and this is assuming it's a date. As lion says, it looks like a good situation to me

myownprivateidaho · 15/06/2016 11:13

He was a child when they met but never a same age child-- he was 8 when she was born, 16 when she was 8... I would not be able to date someone I knew as an 8 year old when I was a teen, personally. For me it's creepy. Also, apart from anything else, she's going to miss out on a lot if she has a boyfriend who is 10 years older than her in her late teens. I think I would be discouraging this one, personally, for both the creepy uncle reason and the missing out reason. But obviously it's her call.

Original poster
flabberbast · 15/06/2016 12:54

OP - thanks for all comments. DD has chatted with me and she's agree to go out for a drink tomorrow evening. He messaged her earlier this morning. I think she quite likes him - good job, nice looking, similar interests but she's keen to take things very slowly (and doesn't want to end up in a long-term relationship when she is still only in first year at uni) She feels less odd about the initial reason for posting and says it was hard to articulate what she felt - but no agrees that if they get on then there is nothing "wrong" in him having known her when she was younger or in teh age gap. Time wil tell I guess

OP posts:
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