I don't tell people I was abused not because I am ashamed but because of how they react!!

[SituatedDifferently]

There is a lot in the media about the shame rape and abuse victims can be made to feel. I totally get this and understand this argument. I however was very fortunate, I was seriously abuse for three years by a family member, as soon as my parents found out they did everything in their power to get him sent away for a very long time and to rebuild/ nurture me. It was a bad thing in my childhood but it wasn't how I define my childhood and they gave me the strength to deal with and go on a live a very happy life.
I used to openly talk to people about it, I gave presentations at schools, spoke at youth clubs etc, about why people should not stay silent. As I have progressed through life I have increasingly become aware that people can't seem to deal with these things if I tell them without defining me by it - a former boyfriends parents advised he split up with me as I was going to have mental health problems, my mother-in-law said when I told her (only very recently) 'well I'd never of known because you're such a good mum' as if somehow assuming I wouldn't be and former employer got me booked into counselling for no other reason other than I told him what I was giving a talk on. Therefore what I mean is, in my experience (which is likely to be different from other peoples I know) I am suddenly handled with kid gloves or treated differently - pitied I suppose. I'm not suggesting that empathy and shock aren't natural reactions but in my experience people treat me like I am damaged and fragile in some way and it has changed relationships after I have told people. I've now stopped telling people not because I ashamed or can't deal with it but they can't. I'm not really sure what I am expecting or hoping from this post but just reading all this stuff about how victims are still made to feel responsible/ashamed and people kicking off about it (quite rightly so!), I just wanted to share my experience. I've never felt ashamed, it's not come from me, but people in my experience seem to apply it to me or maybe expect me too? I'm probably not making an awful lot of sense but in truth after this happened as a teenager and into my early twenties I wanted to open up conversations about abuse, hence doing the talks, and now I don't as even sympathetic people seem to tarnish me... I am not damaged, I am not different. I had a horrid experience but through honesty and open conversations, with love and support I got through and it made me stronger - that was the message I wanted people to hear, that we need not be silent about these things and opening up makes us stronger - what I learnt was whether through sympathy or judgement it changes the way people treat you and deal with you.

It is very very rare for an abuse survivor to talk about details, even in counselling, so generally it's a non-issue anyway. What my previous post referred to was talking about the fact that it happened at all.

A pp previously said she considers asking for help,maybe sharing out of necessity to access that help. And shes's being told "no one wants to hear it,they can't cope with it".

Pp don't let replies on here change your mind,if unsure research all the options first from finding an excuse as to why you're gone,to phone consultations,to fuck it i need this and i'm going to ask for it. You deserve help x

TheSparrowHawk that has been my experience as well. That even with therapists or people they know will listen and not judge,they still won't share the worse details. Some People make it sound like there's this sick need to give a play by play and drag the listener in with us. No,most of us just want it acknowledged..it happened,it's a (small,big,medium) part of us

Select a counsellor that specialises in child abuse. Thats an important part of recovery, finding appropriate help.
Counsellors need to be trained to deal with it. That should tell us that not every one can.
Its no use judging them for it. Why would you not assume they are also a survivor, but had no access to help?

Shitty things happen to people all the time. The thing that makes life worthwhile is to have people to share those shitty things with, to lighten the load. That's all there is really. If people go through their lives never sharing someone else's load out of love, then they've truly missed out IMO.

I've had counselling. And it helped, a lot. But that's not what I need. What I need is to say 'I was abused' to someone who actually loves me and for that person to say 'That's awful, want to talk about it.' I've had that, with DH, thankfully.

I don't need to be farmed off to a trained specialist like I'm some sort of unstable bomb.

It properly fucks me off when I see posts on FB etc saying 'if you're feeling low, talk to someone,' because it's been my experience and the experience of others on this thread clearly, that if you try to talk to a lot of people they just tell you to 'find a counsellor.' So what's the point?

I can't talk to oh about it as he's very oh well the past is in the past . He'll listen somewhat but he's more focused on the present and the future. It did help him understand though where some of my issues come from. I'm lucky that i have friends i can talk to and ofc internet forums

I tried to talk to mum about it as an adult,so she could see where i came from all those years ago. To build bridges and yeah,i would've like an apology too..the naive idealist that i am.what i got was

1. I didn't want you to be shamed
2. Well i did tell you you could stay away and i never made you visit again,even for his funeral
3. Oh i must've been joking

That's three different dismissive excuses,for three different incidents that she knew of. I didn't disclose others as i knew it wouldn't get me anywhere

My mother was similarly shit Rogue. In many ways her refusing to help me to deal with it was worse than than the abuse. My abuser didn't care about me, but my mother is supposed to care and she doesn't. She'd rather protect herself from pain than help me.

Sparrow that's exactly how i feel. I made my peace with my abusers, i can't make my peace with how my mum acted,the victim blaming and the emotional abuse that ensued from that. And it was even more shallow than protecting herself from pain,she was protecting an imagine. God forbid people would talk.

I'm getting to the point where I am open about being an abuse survivor, if it comes up. I don't just tell random people.
Details though, are for my therapist and my minister and on occasion, my husband and my brother. I have carefully worked up to telling them details, building trust and setting by boundaries on both sides.

I have shame, but I am not ashamed. It's still a process I guess.

I get the whole, people looking away or changing subject. I get that and I don't judge. I am careful with who I share this with, because I think some people are undeserving to share my pain. I think people have to earn that level of trust. It's an honour and a privilege to have my trust.

Everyone fucked me over, I'm not gonna tell everyone about my past because of that, rather than shame. I won't hide who I am though. I have PTSD and that's apart of me. A testament to my survival, not a weakness or something to be ashamed of.

I was abused at eight. Although my parents took it to the police, nothing was done. Yes, pretty much lost faith that we live in anything but a very corrupt society after finding that out. There's still a weird silence if I tell someone. I imagine it would be even harder if someone was abused in their teens because they might be afraid they would get the blame for it.