I don't tell people I was abused not because I am ashamed but because of how they react!!

[SituatedDifferently]

There is a lot in the media about the shame rape and abuse victims can be made to feel. I totally get this and understand this argument. I however was very fortunate, I was seriously abuse for three years by a family member, as soon as my parents found out they did everything in their power to get him sent away for a very long time and to rebuild/ nurture me. It was a bad thing in my childhood but it wasn't how I define my childhood and they gave me the strength to deal with and go on a live a very happy life.
I used to openly talk to people about it, I gave presentations at schools, spoke at youth clubs etc, about why people should not stay silent. As I have progressed through life I have increasingly become aware that people can't seem to deal with these things if I tell them without defining me by it - a former boyfriends parents advised he split up with me as I was going to have mental health problems, my mother-in-law said when I told her (only very recently) 'well I'd never of known because you're such a good mum' as if somehow assuming I wouldn't be and former employer got me booked into counselling for no other reason other than I told him what I was giving a talk on. Therefore what I mean is, in my experience (which is likely to be different from other peoples I know) I am suddenly handled with kid gloves or treated differently - pitied I suppose. I'm not suggesting that empathy and shock aren't natural reactions but in my experience people treat me like I am damaged and fragile in some way and it has changed relationships after I have told people. I've now stopped telling people not because I ashamed or can't deal with it but they can't. I'm not really sure what I am expecting or hoping from this post but just reading all this stuff about how victims are still made to feel responsible/ashamed and people kicking off about it (quite rightly so!), I just wanted to share my experience. I've never felt ashamed, it's not come from me, but people in my experience seem to apply it to me or maybe expect me too? I'm probably not making an awful lot of sense but in truth after this happened as a teenager and into my early twenties I wanted to open up conversations about abuse, hence doing the talks, and now I don't as even sympathetic people seem to tarnish me... I am not damaged, I am not different. I had a horrid experience but through honesty and open conversations, with love and support I got through and it made me stronger - that was the message I wanted people to hear, that we need not be silent about these things and opening up makes us stronger - what I learnt was whether through sympathy or judgement it changes the way people treat you and deal with you.

Thing is many children are abused and most imv don't talk about it (or didn't in the past but still carry the shame), unlike you who was able with parental support to work through it - so they don't get the support they need. And it feels like a shameful secret to them, or at least just a secret.

So I think that you could assume that a good proportion of the people you want to discuss it with will have experienced it, will know of someone, probably in their family, who has experienced it or might even be an abuser (for every victim there is an abuser). But don't talk about it.
And people don't know how to respond.

How dare you conflate protecting a child from abuse and not feeling able to speak about past abuse with someone over whom you have no responsibility and who is already public about their abuse and getting support.

It's disgusting that I have to say this but I am also a victim of abuse (do you really think you are the only one?) and don't really like to discuss other people's experiences. I am REALLY PISSED OFF with the implications you keep making. So I'm equivalent to an abuser? I'm facilitating child abuse?

But you're the one who is "upset", huh?

What?

Also, respectfully adult children in law are not my children.

I am probably over solicitous about speaking to my kids about child abuse and boundaries and probably would be considered crazy on mumsnet because I wouldn't just let random family members around my kids alone, no male babysitters etc, and no sleepovers etc. i never make them hug anyone and never repeat any slut shaming. Talk to them about patriarchy and consent. I support the legislation to discuss child abuse with young kids in school though most people insist it's PC gone mad. I don't want them "singled out" for attention by teachers and make it super clear that I am happily crazy and will have your job if you so much as look at them weird. Don't trust coaches, vicars, any authority figure to be alone with them. I also am very open about letting my kids come to me and knowing I won't be angry no matter what and that they are no. 1. I like to keep extended family at arms length just in case tbh. No one is touching my kids.

I would not be interested in talking about abuse with friends or future in laws. That's my right and the two are unconnected.

You don't know how someone will react or whether the reaction will be agreeable to you e.g refusing to discuss/discussing too much/gossiping etc. You're basically handing power over and I wouldn't do it unless they've proved themselves to you.

As a side note, people often do & say stupid things but many will go home and cringe/kick themselves.

I don't understand you. Surely it's obvious if the abuser was a parent or sibling that opening up about it and assuming your DP's will happily support you could result in the break up of the family, poverty, imprisonment for that loved family member etc etc.

In theory everyone supports their DCs regardless but in real life it is much more complex.

I'm not saying don't support the abused, just that the fall out will affect everyone in the family for life probably.

I hear ya OP, that's been my experience too. This thread went a bit weird.

For anyone out there who hasn't experienced abuse and who wonders how to deal with someone saying that they were abused, I think the thing to remember is that while abuse is awful, it's not necessarily more awful than other life-affecting things that a person might tell you about, like a car accident or the death of someone close to them. The awful thing for many victims of abuse is that while a car accident/death is very 'public' and so most people in their lives will already know about it, abuse is hidden and so the victim can't talk about it, can't process it.

So, if someone says, for example, 'my uncle abused me when I was a child' the response would be, 'Gosh that's terrible, I'm really sorry that that happened. Do you want to talk about it?' At which point the other person can say whether they'd like to say more or not.

If they say they'd rather not talk any more, then the response should be, 'That's fine, but if you do want to talk about it, I'll listen.'

If they do want to talk about it, just listen. The only things that are necessary to say are: 'I'm really sorry that happened, it shouldn't have happened and it wasn't your fault.' That's it.

After they've talked, there's no need to see them any differently - they're the same person they always were. You should feel pleased that they trusted you enough to tell you something that makes them so vulnerable.

I understand. You deserve your privacy. You are more than the abuse and don't want to be defined by it. I think this is perfectly reasonable. It is a reflection on the way society treats victims, not a reflection on you.

Its good to be supportive and acknowledge someone has spoken, but you dont have to offer to listen. Not everyone has the resources to do that.

Dont forget there is no way to tell of someone is a survivor themselves, or what they are dealing with.
Not everyone can cope with listening to details. And I know that seems bad, because we actually lived through an event and are still here.
But forcing details on someone who doesnt want to hear them is in itself abusive.

Counseling takes place in a special, organised way. Not in a casual way in someones home.

I had an abusive childhood that to this day I'm still trying to deal with. My parents were neglectful and physically abusive. It's probably not the same thing at all as what you experienced but I've stopped mentioning it too.

In fact, I make comments when discussing family that would make a casual observer think my parents were normal, that my childhood was normal. I don't do this because I'm ashamed. It's more to avoid the awkwardness that immediately follows. People ask questions that they're not really prepared to hear the answers of, ime.

I think if someone tells you they've been abused and you tell them you can't hear about it and they should get counselling then you should be aware that that will massively damage that relationship, possibly beyond repair.

It's for that reason that I don't tell most people.

Threads like these and others sometimes cause triggers...i get nightmares,and anxious and unsettled. I dont keep participating because i get off on it,or i'm a masochist,or like doing this to myself. I do it because some people need to talk and they need someone to listen. I do it because certain mentalities and attitudes need to be challenged. The point is..you should be fucking able to talk if that's what you want/need. Be it a friend,a family member,a therapist or a stranger on the internet.

Its one thing to tell someone you were abused.
It is a completely different thing to need to tell them details.

I'm of the view that if I truly care about a person then I have to be willing to sit with them in their pain, even if that also causes me pain. If I push someone away and say I can't deal with their pain, then I'm saying I don't want them close to me, which is a valid choice of course, and a choice I will make wrt certain people. But I can't claim to love someone and care about them and also push them away - those things are not compatible IMO.

If someone I loved needed to tell me details, I would listen to details. I know not everyone would do that.

Not being able to deal with details is not pushing someone away.
You wouldnt tell a child the details. That tells you that the details are out of the ordinary.
Ask any therapist about it.

I wouldn't tell a child details because a child isn't a fit confidante for any adult discussion. I wouldn't tell a child details of my financial problems either.

And yes, not being able to deal with the pain a loved person needs to share with you is pushing them away.

Compare it for example to someone going through cancer. There are various levels of support you can give someone. But if a loved one says they need you to come to appointments with them, do you say 'no, sorry I can't deal with that'? If you do, then you're pushing them away, you're saying 'I know you need this but I am saying no due to my own feelings.' That is hugely damaging to a relationship.

EveryoneElsie in my (not very vast) experience,very few people people go into details.mostly because they are unable to. They tend to keep it simple and matter of fact(my dad raped for 5 years,rather than go into how where how many times what he didetc) and focus mostly on feelings,how it made them feel then,if it's still affecting them now etc. Details tend to get shared AFTER a relationship has been formed,trust earned and acceptance passed. Don't you see how tentative pp's attempt was? "I'm sad because i didnt have a nice family growing up" do you really think she would've jumped on with gory details straight away at a simple acknowledgment that she's sad?

To be clear, I'm not talking here about an acquaintance, I'm talking about a very close friend, a family member, a partner. Someone who means something to you.

My advice is that if you need to share the details of what happened to you - not the fact that it happened, the details of the assault -- then consider further counselling.

Tell your counselor that you feel rejected by people who cant listen to the details of the assault. That it makes you feel unloved.

Because forcing details of a rape on to a rape survivor is abusive. I know you dont want t o hear it, buts thats a fact.
Its not for you to judge who can and cant cope with hearing what happened to you.

That is not the same as people rejecting a person because they were abused. Please get help for yourself. Needing to talk about what happened is a stage in healing.

When did I say I would force details of a rape on a rape survivor?

But even here the details are nearly non existing. On a forum,with nicknames,with strangers than can choose to read or not etc And most posts are very vague and just stating abuse be it sexual,physical,emotional.

You gorgeous lovely women who have had to suffer like this, have turned out to be amazing. Thank you for the education in handling a situation like this, it is difficult to know what to say to someone and each of you will deal with it in your own way. Unfortunately, my husband was abused and told me quite quickly in our relationship. I didn't know what to say, I just hugged him and told him I was here if he needed. He never really opened up about it and I knew he didn't want to talk about it, so I've left it to him (he did counselling a few years back too).

'I'm of the view that if I truly care about a person then I have to be willing to sit with them in their pain, even if that also causes me pain.'

Thats may be your honest view, but there is a very clear difference between informing someone you are an abuse survivor, and needing to tell them the details.
You can see it for rape survivors, yes? Well its the same for child sexual abuse.