I don't tell people I was abused not because I am ashamed but because of how they react!!

[SituatedDifferently]

There is a lot in the media about the shame rape and abuse victims can be made to feel. I totally get this and understand this argument. I however was very fortunate, I was seriously abuse for three years by a family member, as soon as my parents found out they did everything in their power to get him sent away for a very long time and to rebuild/ nurture me. It was a bad thing in my childhood but it wasn't how I define my childhood and they gave me the strength to deal with and go on a live a very happy life.
I used to openly talk to people about it, I gave presentations at schools, spoke at youth clubs etc, about why people should not stay silent. As I have progressed through life I have increasingly become aware that people can't seem to deal with these things if I tell them without defining me by it - a former boyfriends parents advised he split up with me as I was going to have mental health problems, my mother-in-law said when I told her (only very recently) 'well I'd never of known because you're such a good mum' as if somehow assuming I wouldn't be and former employer got me booked into counselling for no other reason other than I told him what I was giving a talk on. Therefore what I mean is, in my experience (which is likely to be different from other peoples I know) I am suddenly handled with kid gloves or treated differently - pitied I suppose. I'm not suggesting that empathy and shock aren't natural reactions but in my experience people treat me like I am damaged and fragile in some way and it has changed relationships after I have told people. I've now stopped telling people not because I ashamed or can't deal with it but they can't. I'm not really sure what I am expecting or hoping from this post but just reading all this stuff about how victims are still made to feel responsible/ashamed and people kicking off about it (quite rightly so!), I just wanted to share my experience. I've never felt ashamed, it's not come from me, but people in my experience seem to apply it to me or maybe expect me too? I'm probably not making an awful lot of sense but in truth after this happened as a teenager and into my early twenties I wanted to open up conversations about abuse, hence doing the talks, and now I don't as even sympathetic people seem to tarnish me... I am not damaged, I am not different. I had a horrid experience but through honesty and open conversations, with love and support I got through and it made me stronger - that was the message I wanted people to hear, that we need not be silent about these things and opening up makes us stronger - what I learnt was whether through sympathy or judgement it changes the way people treat you and deal with you.

I think this thread is testament to the fact that people do still feel that talking about abuse is taboo.

Whilst I accept your point about Saville, I know that abuse is still 'kept secret' because family members or society at large don't want it disclosed.

It's the length some people will go to protect a family image or their own view of the world wher that would never happen.

You're right about the fine lines. It never ceases to amaze me that so many people would read about the abuse of Baby. Every detail. Yet the fact that he died was in part due to people turning a blind eye. Not their problem.

Well there was a great quote from the film Spotlight.

'If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to abuse one.'

Well don't need to discuss details, we don't need to pour over every detail in the Sunday paper or a novel.

We just need open space and discussion about the fact that IT DOES happen. Too many people still don't want to do that. We owe it to future children surely?

Well said, stugtank. Sums it up perfectly.

Grease I find your attitude at best strange, at worst it's very harsh. What if a child wanted to disclose or talk about their abuse? Would you consider them selfish in doing so to an adult who would rather not go there? If a loved one of yours was ill or in distress would you consider them selfish for trying to lean on you or share their troubles?

But we're not talking about a child wanting to disclose, are we? I was responding to a pp - an adult - who said her MIL changes the subject 'every time' she starts talking about her abuse. Not a disclosure, just talking about past events. Why keep bringing it up with an individual who is clearly uncomfortable?

Not everyone wants to talk about abuse with others. I wouldn't partake in any conversation about rape and would politely shut down anyone trying to have a conversation with me about it - and my reason for that is MY reason. It requires no explanation to the other person as to why it's a subject I will not discuss.

I stand by my POV that the pp I was responding to is selfish - her MIL clearly does not want to discuss her past abuse. So stop bringing it up and go and talk to someone who is willing to listen.

But aren't we talking about family members who should support one another?

I'm not asking my MIL to discuss details, I'm just asking that she accepts it's part of who I am. To shut me down when I bring it up (I don't often) is invalidating. She may well have her reasons, maybe she was abused, but you can't have a close relationship with someone if you expect them to shut out a part of themselves can you?

And I have accepted I'll never be that close to her because of this and I don't bring up my past anymore. But I refuse to take on her baggage either. When she wants to moan endlessly about her health problems. Maybe I don't want to go there, even though I would. Because that's what caring people do for one another.

Tank... If you ever wanna talk, I'll listen

I suppose it depends on the relationship you have with your MIL.

I'm not sure I really understand the context though. No, no one should feel that they have to hide their abuse. But tbh I can't imagine how it could casually come up in a conversation on more than one occasion either.

I'm a very private person and don't like discussing any deep and meaningful stuff with anyone other than dh really. I'm not the right person to come to for that kind of support in rl - I would try my best, but would feel very uncomfortable with someone introducing a conversation about their abuse several times. Maybe your MIL is just the same.

I don't see how you need to speak to your MIL about your abuse for her to accept you as you are either tbh.

Well for example, I get a bit teary around birthdays, anniversaries etc. For many reasons I suppose. I met MIL on my birthday this year. I wasn't breaking down and howling tears, I actually had quite a nice birthday, but my family just seemed to naturally come up and yes there is a sadness.

She changed the subject and I just remember distinctly feeling shut down. I just can't be myself.

I know it's not all I am, far from it. But since I'm estranged from my whole family it's not as if I can avoid the topic entirely. Not without being very stifled.

I'm private too. And thankfully my dh will talk and I trust him. Likewise he shares troubles with me. He's actually learnt a lot from me he says, about dysfunction and abuse and it's helped him in his professional life. He knows I'm not going to 'break down', he just listens. MIL just can't do it and it is a barrier.

I don't shout it from the rooftops. I don't bring it up often. I just expect those who I consider family and good friends to accept it as part of me and not shut me down. Especially if it's unavoidable that it comes up.

And I'm not going to fall out with MIL. I accept her wishes. It's just we'll never be close and likewise I now have boundaries about how much of her off loading I'm willing to put up with. It's her loss. I happen to think I could have been a very loyal and keen DIL!

Anyway I've derailed a good thread about me which was not my intention. Some good points on here. I think it's a journey and you learn along the way, how to deal with a difficult past.

stugtank

Just because someone has a happy childhood does not mean they have not experienced terrible things and are not triggered by the content of your conversation. I don't think it's acceptable that people should be required to listen to traumatic events if they don't think they can handle it.

It sounds like you haven't really accepted it, which is why you're going to be passive aggressive about her health issues instead.

Not really passive aggressive, just mindful of the boundaries of our relationship. I think a relationship is give and take. It's about sharing.

When her daughter had a cancer scare I listened and supported even though someone close to me had just died of cancer.

And in no way did I force traumatic events upon her. I merely expressed that I found birthdays sad. That I missed having my own family.

If everyone who had been abused kept quiet for the sake of people like my MIL it would never be out in the open.

Wow, so it's your MIL's fault that abusers go unpunished. Yeah, no displaced anger at all. Poor woman.

A11 that's not what I read from this at all. And can I just restate this post was about how people judge/alter their views of abus victims. I do understand the view where you don't discuss thibgs becuase you know it makes me people uncomfortable but without that discussion you keep part of yourself licked up and therefore it can be difficult to have a fully open and honest relationship. Tbh my mil is the same, not just because we can't discuss my past, but that's part of it. I really think some things may have been taken out of context. Its an emotive subject.

I didn't say that A11. I didn't say that my MIL was to blame for unpunished abusers did I? Please feel free to show me how that is what I said.

I said that if everyone wanted to deflect or shut down talk of abuse because it made them uncomfortable, then abuse would never be out in the open.

I'm going to leave now. I actually feel like my points have been highlighted and picked on and I feel sad. I only came on to support the OP and I feel really fucking low now.

I'm sorry you were made to feel that way tank x hugs x

I actually find it hard to shut people down - just a couple of people in particular, who like to try and dwell on it whenever I'm around... I have never looked someone right in the eye and told them that it upsets me to talk about. This thread is making me think I should get better at shutting people down!

A few months ago we found out that one of our children had been sexually abused by a (now dead) relative, but had kept it to themselves for over 20 years. When they did tell us the person was wary of my reaction in particular, because they knew I would be upset and they didn't want to have to cope with my feelings.We are still working through it and the person has avoided telling me details.
They have certainly found that some people they thought would be supportive have been totally useless, and others have really surprised them.
As parents we have issues to work through too. We failed our child because we didn't realise what was happening and that is hard, but it has to be dealt with by us, not them.
I think it is probably a good thing to talk about abuse, but people will react in different ways.

Don't feel bad, stugtank. I feel the same way as you. I guess we're all different though.

However, this thread has highlighted one of the reasons that I've never told anybody - because I feel like I would be selfish to do so, because to open up would involve having to talk about it briefly in the first place. I don't particularly want to talk about it, but to access the help I need, I would have to. As somebody up thread pointed out, it's not healthy to keep some things a secret, though it would appear that society and close family feel otherwise. Sigh.

But I expect I'll keep quiet, just in case I make somebody feel uncomfortable, which happens each time I try to open up about it to my DP or parents (given up with my parents anyway - they never protected me at the time). It's like if there's the merest hint of anything untoward happening to a person, it makes those around them go all stiff upper lip and want to tell you to pull yourself together, just get over it, and never, ever mention it again.

Cross-posts with Larry - sorry to hear what happened, but it sounds like you've been brilliant.

What the hell? What's with the attitude at stugtank earlier on? I'm a bit at the tone of the "keep it to yourself, no one needs to hear that stuff" posts ... Did you mean it to sound like that?

Of COURSE in a healthy supportive family she should be able to chat with people about it including her mil.

Just as you've projected over the Internet that her mil is being triggered and doesn't need to hear Scary Things, I'm going to project that her mil doesn't give a shit and just can't be bothered to find out why her DIL gets massively upset sometimes because she's self-absorbed and doesn't want conversation pointed away from her ... see how pointless and rude that kind of speculation is?

Tank, I'd find that upsetting too. Someone who claims a loving relationship in one way (which I'm guessing she does) but only when it suits them and their needs is not really a loving person.

And "Selfish"? Seriously? Well if so, good for her! Abuse victims don't always get to be "selfish" because they're too busy putting everyone else's needs first. Mustn't take up attention, mustn't make x awkward, mustn't get y into trouble, mustn't still feel ill about it xx years later, mustn't bother z, mustn't do anything wrong God forbid.

I've also never noticed the Misery Lit rise and I don't think people "get off" on it (although who knows I guess). They might be working through their own issues, they might have bought the cheapest shit at a train station WHSmith, they might have had it recommended by a friend, they might be trying to say about their own situation "it could have been worse". I refuse to believe every reader "gets off" on it all. And lots of literature has focused on miserable situations. Personally I can't stomach anything by Charles Dickens, it's so fucking bleak.

X/post with Aristotle; it's not selfish. That's heartbreaking that you don't feel able to open up with the people who are supposed to love and know you the most

Argh. Just realised I didn't add a sentence into the mammoth post above with there's a difference between "selfish=mean, grabby, stingey, shoving kids off lifeboats so you get a seat" and "selfish = taking care of basic own needs and sense of self". Talking about experiences is he latter. It's ok to be "selfish" sometimes and it's an extraordinarily unpleasant society which has told us it's not.

Stugtank I hope you're ok. I think you've had a hard time on this thread for reasons I don't really understand. I don't think you've said anything wrong. Have a .

I think you raise an extremely important point. I have not experienced abuse, so I hope this is not insensitive, but a close family member has and I have discussed it with this person at length. Their position, is that while the abuse was horrible, it has never defined them as a person, it hasn't ruined their life or destroyed their ability to have close or sexual relationships, and is just part of what made them who they are.

Of course abuse can be extremely damaging and people who experience it should have access to lots of support, but I agree that there can be a perception that it is inevitable that it will ruin your life and it doesn't have to. I admire you for your strength and positivity and hope you can find a way to keep sharing this message. I'm sure it's important and valuable for other people who have experienced abuse to help them find strength.

I'll ask those posters who upset me this question.

What would you do if your adult child told you they'd been abused or raped?

Would you just walk away and tell them you won't and can't talk about it because you were abused and it's too difficult?

Well I can state very clearly that I wouldn't. Because you love your family and that's what you do. You be strong for them even when it's so hard for you. And I would do the same for a child in law because they're important for my children.

I felt down last night but I've slept on it and I find those posts very odd. In a normal functional family you talk and share such things.

stugtank. Hope you're feeling a bit "better" today.