AIBU to correct my cockney husband?!

[user1465725037]

My husband is probably what you would describe as an 'East London cockney!' We have two young children. He will often say 'done' instead of 'did'. For example, 'I done the washing yesterday'. Kids have started to repeat this now. Whenever he says it now I am correcting him, no big deal, just saying 'did' when he says done. He is not taking it well and is getting really cross with me. Equally I am getting really cross with him when he says it as I now don't feel like I can say anything to him about it without having my head bitten off. I do appreciate that I am probably totally annoying him but I don't think it is fair on the children that they are getting confused over the English language because of him. So, AIBU? Maybe I should forget about correcting him and just focus on correcting the kids when they get it wrong? When I've read up on this though the advice seems to be that we should model the correct use of language to our kids rather than 'correcting' them. Any helpful advice would be appreciated! Thank you

Surely, what matters is what you know and what kind of person you are. You can speak and write nicely but still be a complete and utter arse.

They mean drop the t sound in 8... so it sounds more like ayyyyyhe than ate sound. I'm from east London my whole family are cockney's and we drop our h when we talk. Just realised

My Grandma sent my Mum to elocution lessons. That actually messed things up for her, far more than her local accent (Jersey). I know she feels like she doesn't fit in anywhere now... She is stumped with an accent that gives a very false impression of her true self. This is still causing her trouble at 74!

I'm wondering what 'Clare in the Community' would say??? Anyone?

Saying "hoose" instead of "house" or "dinnae" instead of "don't" isn't dialect
I think you'll find that it is dialect.

They mean drop the t sound in 8... so it sounds more like ayyyyyhe than ate sound glottal stop

www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/dialect

a form of a language that is spoken in a particular area and that uses some of its own words, grammar, and pronunciations

WORDS, GRAMMAR, PRONUNCIATIONS.

Enough with the "proper" nonsense.

Also please dont correct your children, they will give up trying to talk to you

That might be the current wisdom, but when my father repeatedly corrected my use of "Sam and me went..." it certainly never shut me up.

Recently our eldest sat his SATs; I was, quite frankly, proud when he told me he "aced the grammar because your voice was in my head the whole time, Mum."

How can you drop an 'h' in eight?

Ayt rather than eyht. It's shorter.

I'm quite proud that ds age 7 manages reasonable standard English at home (with various Midlands words from DP and lots of American and other regional words from me), yet can code-switch into pure Sarf Laahnd'n accent and dialect the minute he thinks I and his teachers aren't listening.

Kids can manage different dialects easily, but making clear which words aren't for use in school writing is really helpful.

There's no getting away from the judgment about 'talking proper' underlying this topic (and this thread...) My partner may not speak perfectly grammatically correct English in all instances, but he's intelligent enough that I have to believe that's a conscious decision rather than mere oversight, he's successful by any definition of the word (career, friendships, earnings, pick whichever you like) and a brilliant father. Ticks all boxes. So I'm feeling slightly resentful about those of you on this thread that might judge him because of his dialect. But on the other hand you've helped me crystallise one thing - I've decided I couldn't give a hoot if my daughter picks up his "them flowers" instead of my "those flowers" - because he genuinely doesn't give a toss what people think of his grammar, and if she doesn't give a toss either I'll think we've both done a good job.

Don't correct him. He's just using a different form of English from you, and he's not wrong, as such. There's a big difference too between what people say when they are talking, and what they write. So long as your children grow up understanding that there are different ways of saying things, they'll be fine.

WhereTheFigawi - I agree with you and I am pretty sure I wouldn't judge somebody for speaking in a particular way, because grammar does change as part of the dialect as well.

However, I probably would be less impressed with somebody who failed to write in grammatically correct standard English in a formal environment. I think the difference is that in a written document you don't necessarily know that it's dialect - it just looks incorrect and less educated.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I would have thought that correcting the way children speak assists them in learning standard English grammar. It just makes things easier for them in an academic and work environment. So the DP's husband making an effort makes things more straightforward for the children too.

On a related note, I think text speak and predictive text is making it harder for people to write correctly too. I am sure I have to check my spelling more frequently when I am writing longhand because I am used to autocorrect and therefore have to think less about how to spell something!

I grew up in Sarf London with a dad from the North East (Sunderland) and mum from working class Islington, who had won a full ride scholarship to a boarding school and spoke an RP form of English.

Both were always correcting me saying "think" instead of "fink" and thought instead of "fort" etc. At the time I had no idea what they were on about as it all sounded the same to me. In fact I was stunned at about 10 when a friend asked if my dad was from The North after speaking to him on the phone. I thought she was a genius for being able to figure that out as I never heard his accent!

I now speak with a general London accent, which I do have to tone down and slow down to be understood in the US . My brother developed a much stronger accent after my mum died when he was 10. He works in the City of London and owns his own company, is very intelligent and works with toffs and forineers of all stripes with ease. He doesn't change the way he speaks for any of them.

It is a myth that only Brits are snobby about accents and regional differences. When I lived in Germany a mother from Hamburg told me she was mortified that her son was picking up the regional accent of the Pfalz region where we lived (which is soft and lovely to British ears) as it was so ugly!

My American husband was doing the rounds at the hospital while training and the Attending (Consultant) who was leading the rounds asked a patient "Do you know where you are? Or as Dr. Francis would say: Do you know where you're at?"

Hasn't stopped DH's career from going great guns!

I guess my point is that I heard lots of different accents and registers and switched in and out of them with ease. I have a London accent as I went to local state schools and socialised with local friends. I have to admit when I go back to South London now I am amazed at how strong the accent sounds because out of necessity I have had to water mine down a lot (expat for 20 years).

Correcting your husband is horrible and undermines him in front of your children - very patronizing. I would just say "It can be said like this or like this and this is how you usually write it down". You don't want your kids to see you as a snobby pedant.

YABU. I'd be very insulted if my husband started correcting my speech (I'm from London).
I think some people get 'snobby' about Cockney in a way that they never would with other dialects. Having, say, an Irish or Geordie accent is seen as charming, but speaking with a Cockney accent is seen as laziness. Why is this?

OP you haven't said what your DH's opinion is of the risk of the children acquiring cockney grammar/confusing it with standard English. What does he think? Is he quite happy for them to grow up (like people in my workplace) saying AND WRITING "was you" and "I done it last week"? If he agrees that written English should use standard grammar, you need to get him to explain to the DC that he speaks one way but writes another. Similarly, if he agrees that dialect is not always appropriate in spoken English he needs to explain to them when he'd choose to speak more formally and why.

If he doesn't agree with either of these things then you need to sit down and have serious talk about your different attitudes to child rearing.

None of these solutions involve you correcting how he chooses to speak within the family.

My husband is similar. He say fing/fink but I don't correct that, it's accent!
I do sometimes correct him when he says "them ones" instead of "those ones" though! Playfully... Ehem.

Dialect just says where a person comes from, not if they're a judgemental twat or otherwise

Mine speaks in the beautiful Black Country dialect, so my dc get a model of 'you am' and 'we was' to name but two of the deviances from Standard English. Doesn't bother me, I don't speak that way myself and I do correct the dc if they use it, but certainly don't tell him how to speak.

I'm sarf lundern. DM always corrected me, so I can turn it on and odd. I would be furious if dh corrected me. He never does. I, on the other hand, correct the dcs.

Me and dh do run into difficulties with towel and tail, though.

I don't know if yabu or not because I find myself doing the same!

My husband isn't a Londoner but speaks like one. I am a Londoner but don't have the dialect (do have the accent). Our children are young and I want them to learn 'standard' English and know the difference between that and any dialect/local habits they pick up. I don't mind if they grow up using "I done that", rather than "I did that" in every day life, as long as they know the correct form and can use it when appropriate/required (e.g. exams, covering letters for CVs, etc). I find myself correcting my husband, even though I know I shouldn't because the children are picking up his habits.

So maybe yabu but you are not alone in that!

Thank you to each and every one of you for the replies. I have taken them on board and have definitely decided that I will stop correcting DH. I feel bad that I have not been respectful towards him.

I really like the idea of explaining to the children that people from different places can speak in different ways etc. Approaching it from that angle feels much kinder so thanks to all of those that suggested this.

It is the truth. They will be judged by some, and some doors will slam shut if they don't speak with correct grammar.

I was in just the same position as you. I ignored it until I had kids, and then I explained the grammatical rules, why it mattered, and started to correct my DH. He was huffy at first, but didn't like the idea of people looking down on him, and quite incorrectly assuming he was a bit thick. I found that so long as we weren't having an argument at the time that I corrected him, he became ok with it. He's now very glad that I did correct him, and says he got much further in his career as a result. I suppose it depends on what your DP does? Does it matter in his line of work?

I certainly wouldn't want my kids to speak incorrectly, although I'm relaxed about their accents.

Just to reassure you, my husband has a strong South London accent and says things like "them apples" instead of "those apples" and "they wasn't" instead of "they weren't". It used to drive me mad and I was worried that the kids would pick it up but if they did they soon grew out of it at school.

No matter what people say, how you speak can close doors for you, not always but it can especially in certain professions, so I can understand your concern OP. I always correct the kids but don't correct DH. I like his accent and they way he talks, I just prefer my kids to speak properly