To refuse to accept and apology and explanation from the hospital that treated my dad so appallingly until they amend the letter they sent me

[Oldsu]

Long story but my dad was misdiagnosed and nearly died, when the mistake was discovered the Hospital lied and tried to cover it up. Its taken a lot of time and effort by me and dads GP to get the hospital to admit liability and to apologise, I got the letter yesterday and quite frankly I am furious.

The letter was addressed to me 'Mrs Oldsu' both consultants were referred to by their title, dads, GP was referred to by her title, but every time they mentioned dad they used his first name, He was very ill when he was in Hospital so did not, could not give permission for the nursing staff to call him by his first name, and to make matters worse his official first name which they insisted on calling him in hospital (despite my objections) is not the one he uses, he hates his first name and uses his middle name in every day life.

I have returned their pathetic excuse for an apology and told them to rewrite it using my dads title, then and only then will I consider the matter closed, BTW my dad and the family are not seeking compensation an apology will do a plus reassurances that procedures are now in place so that it doesn't happen to anyone else's dad.

I am sure there will be medical apologists on here replying saying its some sort of tradition or procedure, I call it lack of courtesy and respect and totally unacceptable.

To be honest I think the NHS have got better things to be doing than rewriting a letter to say Mr X rather than John.

YA(absolutely)NBU.

Even if, by his request/permission he had been called "Bob" whilst in hospital, it's supposed to be a fucking formal letter of apology, isn't it??

It (imo) somehow reduces it to the "I'm sorry that you were upset by..."

"To be honest I think the NHS have got better things to be doing than rewriting a letter to say Mr X rather than John."

Would that be the arse covering after misdiagnosis nearly killed someone?

I totally get where you're coming from. When someone's being treated for a serious illness, even if it all goes well, it's so easy to lose your sense of self and difficult to be a person rather than a case or collection of symptoms. Being addressed correctly is important.

100%understand you OP.

Yanbu and I say that as front line nhs staff.

saltlakecity
To be honest I think the NHS have got better things to be doing than rewriting a letter to say Mr X rather than John.

It's more significant than that - OP's dad does not use the name in the letter. Given the circumstances that have led to the letter being written, I can understand why the OP is upset - this seems like further lack of care and attention and a failure to treat her dad respectfully.

As for your got better things to be doing comment - if OP had decided to seek compensation/take legal action against the hospital, far more of their time and resources would be required. I think what she's asking for is entirely reasonable, as is her objective to get the hospital to make changes to ensure this mistake does not happen to others.

YANBU, I hope you get the letter rewritten correctly. Worked in NHS for over 20 years.

I hate being called 'Mum' by any professionals in relation to my child who has learning difficulties and have let it go over the years, then sit there seething.

After mistakes, lying and covering up, I wouldn't feel reassured that a hospital had learned its lesson and was making changes to its practice if they wrote a letter like that, tbh. It's just another sign of a lack of interest in details and dignity, especially if you had already made it clear at the time he was ill that you objected to them doing it and yet they still persist.

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

If you feel you need to do this, for your Darling Dad and for you, then push on with it. All they can do for you now is apologise to you properly and give assurances, and if you need that to help you deal with everything then you're not unreasonable. It must have been a horrible experience and they should be affording you and your Dad some dignity.

I don't think you're unreasonable, OP. Using your dad's first name and everyone else's title is disrespectful and infantilising. The fact that it is the wrong first name adds insult to injury. I would be really upset by this and it would affect my perception of their apology.

Under the circumstances, you sound more reasonable than I would have felt. He's a human being, isn't that the point? Get his name right, get his care right, show him some respect. That's not an unreasonable expectation.

It's not the same situation, I know, but when my dad was dying and was at the stage where he barely knew people were there, the HPs called him by his name, spoke to him and made us leave the room when they changed his clothes and so on.

It's about respect for another human being. If they don't care about that, no wonder the rest went wrong. Well done for complaining, OP.

I don't think that valuing the NHS or potentially missing it when it's gone has anything to do with the OP's point.

I work for the NHS (GP), I am a patient, I have relatives who are patients.
I deeply value the NHS and I absolutely do not see this as a waste of a massive organisation's time.

If there is an apology to be made then it should be made properly.
Fwiw, I presume that I am a lot younger than the OP's father and I detest being called by my first name by random strangers. It's not an uncommon or unreasonable expectations to be called Mr or Mrs or whatever and the last name being used.

I hope that at the very least the overwhelming opinion on this thread gives you some back-up and 'ammunition' to get back to them with, Oldsu.

I don't think that valuing the NHS or potentially missing it when it's gone has anything to do with the OP's point.

Anyone would think that the NHS was a charity staffed by selfless volunteers, rather than an organisation funded out of tax revenue and staffed by people doing a job for a salary. We don't all sit talking about the selfless people in the HMRC who are such angels and we shouldn't mind they don't answer the phones, we rightly assume that people being paid to do a job out of money we pay should do it reasonably competently. The NHS isn't a charity and their staff are not angels: it's a public service staffed by people doing it for a living, and it's perfectly reasonable to expect roughly the same standards of service as any other government department.

Thank you for all your replies dad is ok now (as well as an 86 year old with a dicky ticker and dodgy hip can be)

I do value the NHS that's why I am not suing, yes I know NHS are overworked and mistakes can happen, if they hadn't lied It may have been a case of dad 'dodged a bullet but survived' and I would have just been happy he is still here and I can plan a nice fathers day, but I wont forgive the lying.

The apology is just waffle really but I am not going to address it and respond to it until I get another letter with his proper name on it and I have made that clear.

Reverse the situation in your letter back.

Refer to all the consultants, GPs etc by first name and your dad as Mr OldSu.

Address the letter to 'Jenny' - the secretary of whomever sent you the letter...

Ask them how they thought it would make a man in his 80s feel.. to be reduced to an after thought in a letter supposedly apologising to him?

As you don't want compensation you could have a bit of fun with them... send a copy to PALS explaining why you sent it, also your dad's GP. Ask all sorts of questions about the advisability of such informality.

Sadly, I already miss the NHS. I find such behaviour to be the uncomfortable result of transparency, approachability and all sorts of other abused uberPCness.

Good for you OP! I think the NHS can be very patronising with this 'hello John, I'm Dr Smith' approach. My mum and my DS have regular letters from consultants. My DS - who is 9 - is always called 'John' in the letters (not his real name obviously) but my mum is called 'Mrs MumofKnock' - is polite.

The NHS may have better things to do but if they did the right thing in the first place then they wouldn't have to 'waste' time.

YNBU OP. Glad your dad is better.

When my very aged FIL was in hospital recently, every single person he came into contact with said; 'Hello. I am .... [dr].... [nurse].... ' whatever....'How would you like me to address you?'. It was totally automatic for them to ask it. The ambulance guys said;'Is it okay if we call you..... ?' And very much appreciated. My FIL was 95. It took 2seconds out of everyone's day and was valued by all of us.

My point is, is that it not that hard surely to see your patient as a human being. The OP's issues show that her DF was just seen as a cog in the machine.

I am so on your side, OP. It was indicative of further, disinterested care.

I completely agree with you OP. It's immensely disrespectful to use a forename in an apology letter.

It reminds me of one horrid nurse looking after my grandad who kept calling him Squirrel instead of Cyril, and laughed every time she said it.

i worked for the nhs on the staff bank .there was a board above the patients bed .for name say robert john smith .a bit underneath said name they like to be known by .so say johnny it was easy .we always asked the patients when they arrived hello your name is robert john smith .if they said call me mr smith then fine .actually very few people want you to call them by there title .much prefer there christian name .but i get that your father should have been addressed as mr in an official letter .

Totally agree. My mum gets really upset when people call her by her first name without asking first. It is patronising and puts the person in an infantilised position. It is a particular problem for the old and I think you are right to point out this is disrespectful.

Their constant use of his incorrect name also shows a lack of empathy and care.

YANBU the referring to the Health Care Workers as Dr Mr etc is very professional. Calling your DFather by the wrong first name just seems very condescending and a bit patronising.
Good you got an apology and l hope lessons have been learned, Equally l hope that they "get" your point. They are not your DFathers friend they have no right to address him as if they were especially as they didn't even get ti right.
I am a nurse--very old school, we were told NEVER to address the patient by their first name unless they gave us permission to and NEVER to ask for that permission.
I hope you get your letter and that your dad is well on the road to recovery

YANBU, it's incredibly rude and disrespectful to refer to everyone else (the important grown ups) as Mr Smith and Dr Jones, and then call the actual patient they are apologising to James when that isn't even the name he uses!

YNBU. As said by previous posters using titles for everyone else and a first name for your dad is patronising and disrespectful. I would feel it trivialised and negated the apology.

You are most definitely not being unreasonable they are showing your dad no respect and are deliberately being patronising and superior.