To refuse to accept and apology and explanation from the hospital that treated my dad so appallingly until they amend the letter they sent me

[Oldsu]

Long story but my dad was misdiagnosed and nearly died, when the mistake was discovered the Hospital lied and tried to cover it up. Its taken a lot of time and effort by me and dads GP to get the hospital to admit liability and to apologise, I got the letter yesterday and quite frankly I am furious.

The letter was addressed to me 'Mrs Oldsu' both consultants were referred to by their title, dads, GP was referred to by her title, but every time they mentioned dad they used his first name, He was very ill when he was in Hospital so did not, could not give permission for the nursing staff to call him by his first name, and to make matters worse his official first name which they insisted on calling him in hospital (despite my objections) is not the one he uses, he hates his first name and uses his middle name in every day life.

I have returned their pathetic excuse for an apology and told them to rewrite it using my dads title, then and only then will I consider the matter closed, BTW my dad and the family are not seeking compensation an apology will do a plus reassurances that procedures are now in place so that it doesn't happen to anyone else's dad.

I am sure there will be medical apologists on here replying saying its some sort of tradition or procedure, I call it lack of courtesy and respect and totally unacceptable.

I'm with you, OP, and agree with others above that the tone of the apology letter was discourteous, disrespectful and patronising.

I would be asking for a properly written letter of apology too.

You and your father deserve to be treated with respect.

I hate reading 'so first world' this really is the first world, using the net and a uk parenting website is first world. If none of the problems are worth merit because it's first world what's the point?

My child has cancer - oh that's so first world. In Asia you wouldnt have the NHS

My child was sexually adulted - oh so first world Asia is peado tourist distination.

My kid has nits, nappy rash, the shits - how first world. Kids die every day in the third world

Because all this stuff has no merit, compared to the third world. Being on the net being goody is in fact utterly first world.

Being able to read, write and have access of freedom of speech and get your M&S in a knot, worked up that you aren't debating third world debt on a uk parenting site is pretty first world don't you think?

"I suspect people are misinformed and think using given names is friendly and warm. It is in fact usually contemptuous and rude unless asked and agreed to."

I tend to agree although it depends on the context. Among colleagues (including from juniors to senior managers) it is usual to use first names these days without asking permission and, in my opinion, it would be unreasonable for senior staff to demand their title be used when they do not do so to their juniors.

A patient or customer is a different thing of course, but I was in a situation in the other day when I had to use first names, sometimes because I could pronounce the first one and not the last one (there would not have been time to ask) and other times because I simply couldn't remember 3 full names and had no time to write them down. I felt awkward, but it couldn't really be avoided.

I completely agree about the letter being badly written by the way.

• M&S PANTS or what ever (Boden - utterly first world shop) you get your pants in a knot from

YANBU. It sounds like a PA attempt by the hospital to belittle your father whilst going through the motions of apologising. Good luck with your continued attempts to get the dignity and respect he undoubtedly deserves.

And also well done on not pressing for financial compensation. A very dignified response.

No thats not acceptable in any shape or form.
If they are apologising they apologise to him, get his full name right and stop being downright condescending and disrespectful.

Staff were told not to use that name yet they continued to do so.
Official letters should be addressed to the right person and using their proper name, its not a quick note ffs, if everyone else has their proper title in the letter it belittles your dad to use the wrong first name.

Gawd I havent been nursing for 9 years but we always spoke to the patients as a person with personal preferences and it was in their care plan what name they wished to use. Its not difficult!

I had this with an insurance company when my mum died and got a letter with the wrong details on, they got a piece of my mind and quickly apologised and rectified the mistake.

I'm totally with you, OP. Just because gets past a certain age they feel they have the right to patronise him.

YANBU. I would overlook using his first name if they had been kind, polite and careful with him all along. But they have been discourteous and almost killed him so no, it is not appropriate to go with fake informality and carelessly use his incorrect first name. It's like saying 'we didn't care then, and we don't care now'. Or 'couldn't be arsed to get the diagnosis right, and can't be arsed to get the name right'.

I understand where you're coming from. When the letter refers to consultant as Mr or Mrs and then to your dad by his christian name, it infantilises him. To then use the wrong christian name adds insult to injury. (Mum had the same problem, always being referred to by her first christian name when all her life she'd used her second name; I think it upset me more than her - 40+ years thinking of my mum as X, hearing her called X, and then hcps insisting that she is called W, it grated badly on me; they did finally manage to read the 'likes to be known as X' bit on her notes.)

Otherwise though, was the apology a proper one?

YANBU

My dad was in a nursing home in his last years before he passed and ALL his notes said to call him X. It wasn't (one of) his middle names, was most definitely NOT his first name, it was his preferred name (old school deal) from his time in the Army. If you called him by his first name you definitely didn't know him and if you addressed a letter to me using his first name you may as well have called him the neighbours name, that's how impersonal that would have been.

It's not only disrespectful, it shows how little they truly knew him and that just adds insult to injury "we almost killed this man yet we don't know something as simple as his chosen name".

The letter should have referred to your Dad as Mr Oldsu. The person writing the letter probably thought it seemed more personal to use a first name, but actually it can come across as being patronising. I think it is sensible to highlight this to the hospital.

I used to respond to nhs complaint letters when I worked in an admin role, and I didn't have access to the patient's records- I composed the letter from the responses written from the medical and nursing staff. I always used Mr/ Mrs though. I then took the letter to the hospital Chief Executive to review and sign.

I would imagine the mistake was made by a member of admin staff, someone who didn't have access to your dad's records, and was a genuine mistake. However they should be briefed on how to reply politely, and the senior person who signed the letter should have highlighted this, so Yanbu to complain, but I wouldn't feel unduly aggrieved by this particular point once they have 're issued the letter.

My lovely DSis is leaving her clinical post in the NHS due to issues like this. After 15 years of hard work and relentless service to her patients she has had enough. Reading posts like this make me understand why. Another dedicated doctor lost to the NHS because people don't value them and just want to blame and create drama. No wonder the health service on its knees.

You will miss the NHs when it's gone.... Then again, maybe we don't deserve it.

Hiro, not sure what the circumstances are regarding your sister, but the OP is upset because her father was misdiagnosed and almost died as a result. That is a perfectly legitimate reason to "blame and create drama" and if the misaddressing of her father is clearly just another indication of the lack of attention to detail and value for the individual needs of the patient. Perhaps if the hospital had paid more attention to her father as an individual, they might not have misdiagnosed him. The hospital's treatment of the OP's father is a symptom of the NHS being on its knees, the OP's frustration about it is most certainly NOT the cause of the deterioration of the NHS.

OP, I would recommend that you put the majority of your energy into making sure that they have put the promised measures into place so that what happened doesn't happen again. That will be the best and most satisfying result for you.

I think the question is whether your sister values the patients or not.
Many doctors don't.
(2 in the family here, btw)

I agree that your father should be respected as much as anyone else on the letter and anything less just shows their continued lack of proper care. He's not a child.

I would feel exactly the same OP. My parents are in their 80s and are NEVER referred to by their first names if they don't personally know the speaker. It shows a complete lack of respect. My dad would probably brush it off but still be annoyed, my mum would be really upset and it would add to her anxiety and confusion.

My MIL is in her 70s and STILL calls older people by their title and surname, even if she's known them for years. She has a district nurse visit every two days and has done for the last couple of years; the nurse only ever calls her Mrs EveMIL, she wouldn't dream of using her first name.

The hospital have fucked up for the second time it seems. I would be seriously unimpressed.

Sorry new here and butting in. I think most of the problems discussed would be first world ones! The privilege of internet and luxury to be able to sit and read and respond. I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. They are lucky she is not suing them. The least she could ask for his a letter whereby everyone is referred to correctly! My two cents!

YANatallBU You have the right to be upset about more than one thing. The hospital should not have made a mistake, they should not have tried to cover it up, they should not have made you have to fight to get things changed and they should not have referred to your dad by his first name. I taught medical students and part of their communication skills sessions was to be aware of the implications of how they addressed patients. They were advised to address patients by their title and surname and confirm that was the correct and preferred form of address.

YANBU OP. The singling out of your father for the use of first names is dismissive, quite possibly ageist, and tbh could easily be interpreted as deliberately belittling, even though I accept it is unlikely to be.

YADNBU.
I wouldn't dream of using a first name unless given express permission and even then not in a letter.

If you are not completely satisfied that their processes have been properly reviewed and changed and the people involved who made the mistakes re educated then in all honesty I'd take legal action. Sadly, without it, such complaints are often washed over.

I'm so very sorry for your loss OP.

When my mum, then aged 69, was in hospital during her final illness (she died there) she became increasingly upset at being called Mrs xxx by the staff. She felt it meant they didn't like her enough to use her first name and felt isolated by it.
I never use my first name, always my middle name, but officials use the first one. It doesn't matter. What matters is the care and attention. If the apology was appropriate let it be.

OP, ex-nurse here. You are absolutely right in all you've said, I would feel exactly the same way. Not only did he almost die, they can't even get his name right! As someone else all they ever needed to do was call him 'Mr ......'

But the OPs point was there wasn't much care and attention? They had to write the letter because he nearly died and now they got his name wrong.