I'm NOT fat

[TheJollyPostmansWife]

Name change as about to give all details as too late to text friends for advice. Visiting DHs family today, out for lunch where I had a prawn salad. After I finished I reached over to nick a bit of my dds bread and as I did so My DHs grandmother piped up 'not watching your figure then?'. This is not the first time she has been rude about my weight and to be honest I am really pissed off. We see them very rarely and I don't think she has any right to make personal comments at all - last time she said something she suggested I would lose my looks and therefore my husband if I carried on the way I was. I don't think it's important as I don't think anyone should comment on others appearance but for context I go to the gym 3-5 times a week, walk the dog at least an hour every day and see a personal trainer weekly. I am five foot one, 9 stone 3 and size 8. I'm not normally so sensitive but I don't want to see the woman again, she is elderly and not in good health and adores my dds. Aibu to refuse to see her? I would never stop the dds but we live the other side of the country which is obviously limiting.

[lljkk]

I would not be pleased with myself if I stewed over this one.

[NeverbuytheDailyMail]

80'sMum

Commenting on what someone is eating and relating it to their weight in front of children is damaging. Particularly when the person is clearly not unhealthy and the comments have not been invited. I make it a point to try very hard not to comment on my own weight in front of my children and when they ask me about why I exercise or eat certain things I tell them it's because I want to be strong and healthy NOT because i want to be thinner so that my husband doesn't leave me. I have old relatives who wouldn't dream of being this rude and insensitive. In my opinion an old dick was very likely a young dick at some point!

[TheJollyPostmansWife]

Just came back to this as can't sleep. I hope I made it clear that I recognised I was being very sensitive. Nc is extreme but I meant I didn't really want to see a lady who is fairly rude to me about various matters but I only see her once a year anyway, obviously I can put up with it, I'm not always such an idiot. Yes I am being sensitive about my weight, as I previously mentioned I recently went to town eating on holiday and am feeling bigger than I am usually comfortable with. I shouldn't have given all my stats, they are actually irrelevant to the thread and caused it to veer way off topic, I forgot what aibu is like at times. My bad

[mum11970]

And I wonder why I feel I shouldn't be seen in public and am on antidepressants because I've put on weight and feel completely worthless.

[KissMyArse]

Commenting on what someone is eating and relating it to their weight in front of children is damaging.

OP said her child had left the table, hence taking the bread from the plate.

[TheJollyPostmansWife]

Mum I'm so sorry you feel like that. I did ask for the thread to be pulled earlier as I was concerned the judgements and breakdown of weight etc might make some feel bad.

[mum11970]

For god's sake the op is a size 8; there is no way she could ever be over weight.

[TheJollyPostmansWife]

Actually my other dd was still at the table

[TheCunkOfPhilomena]

I understand OP. When I was 17 I weighed 10st (I'm 5ft 7, shall we wait for Proteus to work out my old BMI?) and a much older cousin commented on my weight at a family gathering. It wasn't a terrible comment but it was enough to completely undermine my confidence and act as a catalyst to a crash diet that saw me end up at 5st 9. I still have the memory of that day in my head.

I don't care how old someone is, it isn't an excuse to be rude. This was rude.

[NeverbuytheDailyMail]

KissMyArse - I missed the post where OP said DD had wandered off. Thanks.

I don't imagine though that someone who holds the kind of opinions about women and their responsibility to look good for men, would think twice about saying it in front of children. I am aware this is speculation, but would be interested to hear from OP if she does do it within daughters earshot and how OP manages this - because it is that that would piss me off.

[NeverbuytheDailyMail]

Cross post there Jolly - did you talk to your other daughter afterwards?

[TheJollyPostmansWife]

Cunk that's so frightening, I hope you're ok now?

[TheJollyPostmansWife]

Never it was my youngest Dd who is only three who stayed at the table. And I felt I didn't want to continue to occasion so popped to the shops with SIL while DH took dds to his grandmas for half an hour so no I haven't spoken to her about it. Although it won't be long before she picks up on it

[TheJollyPostmansWife]

Sorry for poor typing - on mobile

[TooMuchMNTime]

OP I think there's a couple of total arseholes on this thread

If she says it again you could reply "not minding your manners then?"

[HelenaDove]

Cunk

[KissMyArse]

Actually my other dd was still at the table

Apologies, you only referred to one DD so I didn't realise you had another sitting at the table. Not a good thing to do in front of her.

I do, however, agree with a PP that she was probably doing the finger-wag 'you won't stay slim at that rate' stuff rather than calling you a fatty.

Anyway, you aren't fat so it's all a bit of a moot point.

[mum11970]

Jolly, don't pull the thread, it just shows how judgemental others are.

[IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes]

OP your DH's grandmother was without a doubt inexcusably rude as are several posters on this thread. By sound of it there is absolutely nothing wrong with your size and it's sad if this has now affected your confidence. I wouldn't particularly want to see someone who made me feel that way, family or not. Please don't take it to heart and feel you have to change anything due to thoughtless idiotic comments!

[RaarSaidTheLion]

A. She's a passive aggressive old stirrer, looking to get a rise out of you. Don't take the bait.

or

B. Alternatively, she was brought up with that kind of internalised misogyny, and has never learned to transcend it. In which case, she is more to be pitied than feared.

Oh, in either case, buy her cakes/chocolates/cheese for every single present ever to come. She can stew nicely in her own juices. Sounds like she might need a while to get tender, as she is likely a bit of tough and stringy chook. No amount of cooking gets rid of piss and vinegar mind.

[KissMyArse]

My mistake - you do refer to dds in your OP.

I find all these dd/ds/oh/lo/so/dh abbreviations difficult to follow at times.

(you still aren't fat)

[mum11970]

Bmi is bollocks. It can't differentiate between muscle mass and fat.

[TheJollyPostmansWife]

I think my op perhaps made it look as though I wanted people to tell me I was fine - maybe I did, I didn't give it much thought. I was upset at my weight being discussed in a humiliating way by a woman I actually don't know very well. I shall say something back next time, I did wonder whether withdrawing myself from her company would be best - that was silly, I should be there to protect my dds if she says anything in front of them in future

[MangoMoon]

"I am surprised that muscle weighs that much more"

It doesn't.
It just takes up a lot less space.

This means that someone at 5' 2" who doesn't have a high muscle mass will be in a bigger clothes size than a person of the same height who is toned with a lower fat mass.

If OP is toned & fit then she could easily be an 8 at that weight & height.

When Proteus said she'd 'look fat' at the same BMI as the OP, this is entirely possible if her frame is smaller or if she is mostly fat with little muscle.