I'm NOT fat

[TheJollyPostmansWife]

Name change as about to give all details as too late to text friends for advice. Visiting DHs family today, out for lunch where I had a prawn salad. After I finished I reached over to nick a bit of my dds bread and as I did so My DHs grandmother piped up 'not watching your figure then?'. This is not the first time she has been rude about my weight and to be honest I am really pissed off. We see them very rarely and I don't think she has any right to make personal comments at all - last time she said something she suggested I would lose my looks and therefore my husband if I carried on the way I was. I don't think it's important as I don't think anyone should comment on others appearance but for context I go to the gym 3-5 times a week, walk the dog at least an hour every day and see a personal trainer weekly. I am five foot one, 9 stone 3 and size 8. I'm not normally so sensitive but I don't want to see the woman again, she is elderly and not in good health and adores my dds. Aibu to refuse to see her? I would never stop the dds but we live the other side of the country which is obviously limiting.

[NanaNina]

Am reeling from the rudeness of Proteus and have a picture in my mind of what she looks like...................

[PerspicaciaTick]

Oh FFS - I'm a fucking size 26 and I still don't expect anyone to comment on my bread consumption because it is none of their business and I simply wouldn't tolerate such rudeness.

It is never appropriate to comment in a public setting (let alone a family gathering) on what someone is eating or their weight - unless you are paying them a compliment.

[AdjustableWench]

I think I'd have been hurt too in your situation. I find personal comments about people's weight extremely rude. My MIL said something to my DD one time that horrified me...

My teenage DD is very overweight. She weighs 8 stone more than I do (she has serious medical problems, not that actual reasons will stop people judging). She's the same height as me. And we wear the same size clothes. We can wear each other's clothes but she doesn't like mine as much as I like hers. It seems pretty clear to me that weight and clothes size don't correlate.

OP, I think for your DD's sake it's worth thinking about whether your DH's grandmother is going to have a negative effect on your DD's body image. You need your DH onside - he needs to shut her down.

[QOD]

Just to throw in ... I'm your height and 13 stone and I'm not fat
Muscly size 14. I'm a solid lump and look chubby not fat
8 stone odd is teeeeeeny
I like the meow suggestion and add throat punch to the mix

[NightWanderer]

I haven't RTFT, sorry but I took the comment the other way, because you're a size 8 and eating a salad for lunch perhaps she feels you aren't eating enough. It was more skinny-shaming than fat-shaming.

I feel your pain though because my MIL is obsessed with people's weight. She has been calling DS fat since he was a baby. In fact the last time she visited she commented that everyone thinks SIL's son looks a lot like your DS now because he got really fat as well. We try telling her she's rude but she just laughs it off. She never mentions my weight though as I think she's too scared. I must admit I also avoid visiting her. She's a bitch though, so I don't feel too bad. If she learnt some manners we'd see more of them.

[Mistigri]

You're not unreasonable to think she's mistaken, but you're a bit unreasonable to get so worked up by a very old person being untactful.

[Cocoabutton]

People carry weight in different ways, but that is not the point. The point is the emphasis that is put on women's weight and appearance. It is SO limiting, because the energy you take up worrying about whether you are a dreadful person because you ate some cake or bread or whatever could so much better be spent on something more worthwhile.

If you are eating healthily, exercising and well, then put your energy into getting on with life

[Twowrongsdontmakearight]

There's a saying 'little pickers wear bigger knickers'.

If you get into the habit of picking at/finishing off food on DC's plates because it's a waste of food then you may well pile on the pounds. I did when my DC were young. Maybe that's what she was pointing out - but in an unnecessarily rude way.

[runningincircles12]

Proteus, you are a true dick. I am the same dress size and measurements as one of my friends who is 9 kilos (1.5 stone) lighter than me and only one inch shorter. People have different builds and body composition. Comments like yours usually adorn Daily Mail articles (i.e. size 12? who's she trying to kid?).

[runningincircles12]

Proteus, this is one for you:

symphonyofawesomeness.tumblr.com/post/38617972510/all-these-lovely-ladies-weigh-154-lbs-or-69-kg-we

[Nephilim1964]

The only thing that would irk me about that, is if it affected my kids. There's enough body shaming on social media, without family members making it worse!

[TheJollyPostmansWife]

I think what has bothered me is not so much her actual comment but my own reaction to it. I hate people commenting on my appearance since having children, any part of my appearance as I don't feel it's important. I try and look after myself but I don't obsess and I exercise to make me feel good as I find I struggle with slight depression without it, not as a way to lose weight. However I am insecure but that obviously comes from within not because I am 'on the higher end of normal bmi'.

[hiccupgirl]

Ignore rude comments on here about your weight - that reflects on the insecurity of the people posting them and their need to prove how slim they are. God forbid, someone might think they were anything other than extremely slim.

I wouldn't stop your children seeing her but I would avoid having to spend time with her myself if possible. It is tough because she is from a very different generation where comments like that were considered to be ok - my grandmother would be saying things like this if she was still alive. On the other hand, it isn't acceptable anymore and you shouldn't have to put up with it. It doesn't matter what size or weight you are, that is no one else's business and to comment on it is rude.

[thrillhouse]

I think a lot of people on here are massively missing the point.

It doesn't matter what size someone is, it's downright fucking rude to pull an "ooooh aren't you watching your weight" comment. It's not your body and it's none of your fucking business.

OP, I think what you're feeling is completely normal tbh.

[HackerFucker22]

I'd be offended at my current weight (11st odd, 5ft 1in and a size 16) but when I was a size 8-10 I think I'd have just blinked a few times and replied "you are joking right?"

Agree it's a bit of an over reaction OP but also agree I wouldn't want these kinds of comments around my DC.

[MillieMoodle]

I would have said "no? Should I be?" with a questioning head tilt.

I realise that can completely backfire if she responds with "yes" but I think most people would be embarrassed to say anything else.

My mum is not known for her tact when it comes to weight-related comments. Her "best" comment to date was when DS was 3 weeks old "oh Millie, you used to have such a lovely flat stomach but it's gone now" thanks mum.

I don't generally care what other people think about my weight but I'd be embarrassed and feel awkward if someone in DH's family made a comment about it in front of his other family members.

[Henrysmycat]

I have a similar problem except it's all in my head. My MIL was and is a stunner. A 60's/70's model; tall blonde Jilly Johnson lookalike. Famous and rich people were chasing her and she's still mesmerising at 70+. I'm 5'1, nearly 10st, with huge G-boobs (thank you DD!) and a rounded butt (from squats). I look more Kim Kardashian that Gisele model. I exercise very much so it's all good but still, I can't match her. She never ever said anything to me but I think she's judging me. She doesn't. If I have more than her, I think in my head she does.
What I'm trying to say, is that sometimes it's all in our head. Swiftly move on, avoid eating opportunities, or if you can't, don't even hear it.

[Henrysmycat]

Proteus, you either don't have much interaction with trainers or you don't exercise as much as you say. Because you'd know, most of trainers and professionals have rubbished BMI as inconsistent and untrue.
Fat takes a lot more space than muscle. Bone structure differs. People have heavy boobs because nature decided so.

[EsmeraldaEllaBella]

Sorry but I agree with Proteus. I have the same bmi as you and am very conscious that I need to watch what I eat so that I don't become officially overweight

She was BU to say something though. That would really upset me!

[thrillhouse]

Esmerelda which is fine, you do what you like. It doesn't mean the OP has to be of the same mindset.

[user1464519881]

Dreadful comments by the grandmother. What was she thinking? It is not on.

On the weight yes the 9 stone 3 for someone about 5 foot is indeed the heaviest she should really be at that weight (the fact 16 stone women abound in the UK should not make us lose sight of healthy weights). So by all means maintain your weight at 9 stone 3 for life but don't get up to 10 3 or 11 3 which I'm sure you won't as you are very healthy and exercise a lot. Well done you.

We know by looking in the mirror naked what looks good. It's not hard. Forget even waist measurements, BMI and certainly size 8 stuff (sizes 8, 10 etc vary hugely) and just look in the mirror.

[MHnurse16]

I definitely get you feeling sensitive about it, as I would feel the same (except I ACTUALLY am overweight haha).

But if you are as fit as you say you are then don't worry about it! Shes obviously just made an insensitive comment as all old people do. It's not OK but you kind of have to live with it.

As for not seeing her, that is totally understandable and NOT unreasonable. However your kids should still see her, which can be facilitated by your hubby surely? :)

[Henrysmycat]

Disagree Esmeralda. Unless, you know each person, their shape, you are a professional trainer, etc, using BMI is the most ignorant way in calculating how healthy you are. That tool is useful for the cardio freaks of average height. A guy in my gym was huge! So huge, he was in the 300 film. His BMI would have been off the charts. Actually, all the dedicated people in my gym would be off the BMI chart in my gym.

[DartmoorDoughnut]

Oh FFS the OP goes to the gym 3-5 times a WEEK, she's a size 8, she weighs what she weighs because of MUSCLE!

[GetAHaircutCarl]

OP women of that generation were extremely limited in what they could do in life.

Their choices were limited and their powerlessness made them very protective of their few assets. Looking 'good' would have been one of their few assets.

Unsurprisingly this generation often find it hard to get past those social imperatives, which include policing not only their own physical appearance but that of other women too.

Those social imperatives beat all manners and common sense.

Feel sorry for her. She has probably lived her life with almost no voice except on issues such as these.

Posters who come on to tell you that in fact you are fat have no such excuse. They are just dull at best, self loathing at worst ( because why else would someone say that to another woman in this context?).