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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my daughter to accept my much younger boyfriend?

332 replies

Nephilim1964 · 09/06/2016 19:29

Hi to everyone reading this. It's a long story, but I'll try to condense it as I wouldn't want my first ever Mumsnet post to result in a spate of people lapsing into comatose states or just basically losing the will to live.

I'm a mum of 3 (grown) DDs and at the age of almost 50, I left my life in London to move to another part of the country to help my eldest daughter
after her divorce. I gave up everything, including my (then) 14 year old daughter to come here. I found a job and somewhere to live. I took a huge
pay cut and apart from my DD and my 2 lovely GC, knew nobody at all.

The man that I had been seeing for 9 years visited at first, but his long working hours and the travelling took their toll on our relationship and we
parted ways. We're still in touch and he's still my best friend.

However, eventually all the stress took its toll on me and I have now developed a heart condition brought on by stress. I've been made redundant twice in the 2 years since I've been here and my savings have all gone on living expenses. I'm generally a glass half full kind of person, but have been at a really low ebb. Anyway, last November, I was invited to a 50th birthday party and was asked to dance by a friend of the hostesses son. He was really sweet and respectful, and we got along really well. He asked me out several times over the course of a few weeks, but I kept turning him down due to his age - he was 24. Eventually I relented, but took it extremely slowly. I had no idea how badly my daughter would take it, but nothing prepared me for the anger and the vitriol that was to come - including saying awful things about me on Facebook. That was bad enough, but the thing that really broke my heart, was being unable to see my adored GC. I wasn't even allowed to spend Christmas with them and
Would've spent it alone if it weren't for my boyfriend's family taking me in.

Does anyone think that my daughter's justified in her behaviour or am I in the wrong for embarrassing her by taking a younger partner?

OP posts:
Janecc · 10/06/2016 13:29

That is sad about your gc's. Extended family is such a blessing. How old are they? I don't think I'd be letting them think you're not seeing them by choice. They may get abandonment issues and blame you. Then even if your DD changes her mind or you seek them out when they are older, they may reject you.

Does anyone know if there is any kind of family mediation available? Assuming ops daughter would attend.

Original poster
Nephilim1964 · 10/06/2016 13:30

My GS sometimes sends me texts and I'll ask how his mum and sister are. My DD1 and I really need to thrash this out (metaphorically of course), but definitely on our own and not when my GC are around. I should just stop pussyfooting around her and get to the crux of what the problem really is. I don't want my GC to think that I don't want to see them.

OP posts:
Janecc · 10/06/2016 13:39

Yes I think you really do need to have this conversation. It's been going on for more than 6 months. DD doesn't sound very adult so I guess that means you'll have to be the adult - without stepping into "parent mode". Will she meet you somewhere on neutral territory?

Janecc · 10/06/2016 13:42

Or could you write her a letter? Such things can be powerful if carefully worded.

Original poster
Nephilim1964 · 10/06/2016 13:43

LittleMissMarker - I didn't say that we were in a serious relationship. We met in November and he spent several weeks pursuing me and we then went on a few dates. He would walk me home but the understanding was that he didn't come in. When I told my daughter that I was seeing him, she made the same assumption that you did and lost the plot. The relationship has really only got more serious over the last couple of months. I was terrified of meeting his family as I expected the same kind of stone throwing as I've received by some OPs on this thread. They're a close-knit family and can't understand my DD1's behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nephilim1964 · 10/06/2016 13:47

Janecc - It's funny that you should mention that, as I've already started to compose one. The trouble is that I'm overthinking it and keep tearing the bloody thing up and starting again! I know things can't continue the way they are.

OP posts:
LittleMissMarker · 10/06/2016 13:56

Serious enough that you told your DD that you were "seeing him" as something more than a friend with a shared interest or two. That's all I meant and that is going the pace.

Original poster
Nephilim1964 · 10/06/2016 14:02

Where we live is a small town and it was better for me to tell her rather than for one of her friends to see us in a pub and for her to get the information secondhand.

OP posts:
Janecc · 10/06/2016 14:02

I have written a couple such letters myself. Different circumstances. I compose them on my iPad. So no screwing up bits of paper. Just write everything I feel to get it out of my system. Then I start to condense and discard. I also got help from people I trust. They were effective because they were non judgmental. There are many talented people on here, who could help with such a letter if you ask. It needs to be an 'I' letter.

Elements I think I would choose is how much you love and miss her. How much you love and miss the children. How you are sorry that you hurt her. That you wish your relationship could be different and your desire to be as before. Ask her forgiveness for hurting her and strong desire to see her soon.

I don't know if I would tell her you respect her judgement or ask her to honour your need to be in a relationship with the person you've chosen though. Imo Maybe best to leave that one for another time.

I know this may be ripped to shreds by others for this type of letter. However, when dealing with a hurt child (as your DD sounds). I think this is the most effective way and having a go at her won't work. I have the t shirt on this one with a very very infantile mother.

LaConnerie · 10/06/2016 14:07

I see that it's none of the daughter's business, but personally I would struggle if my mother had a boyfriend that much younger - mainly because i would be questioning his motives.

A friend's mother got together with somebody 25 years younger when she was in her late 40's. My friend really struggled to accept it and it caused real damage to her relationship with her mother.

They were together for about ten years, at which time my friend had her first baby, making the older woman a grandmother. Within a few months her partner had left her, because he said he hadn't realised until he spent time around his partner's grandchild, how much he wanted a family of his own. By this time his partner was nearly 60 so they split up.

In your position op I would be seriously worried about investing too much in this relationship - and i do understand completely why your DD is struggling with it all. Imagine for a moment it was your own mother with somebody 25 years younger - would you find it easy to accept, really? It's so easy to be cool about it until it happens to you.

Original poster
Nephilim1964 · 10/06/2016 14:08

Thanks Janecc. There are some really good points there. I'll let you know how I get on. As you say, there are some very talented people on here, and if anyone has any tips on what should be included or left out in the letter I would be very grateful. Even the OPs who've given me a hard time Grin

OP posts:
OhMyGoddess · 10/06/2016 14:25

Revolting? Really? Talk about over-egging it, jeez.

sipsmimthandlime · 10/06/2016 15:47

I said he had a better body and was fitter than 'many' men in their 30s - not average, or all. My point being that just because someone is in their 20s or 30s doesn't automatically guarantee him a better body or be automatically fitter!

And actually having spent -considerable- time with him naked he hasn't sagged. In fact most people are truly shocked when they ask his age and have him placed at least 15 - 20 years younger. Sometimes I think someone got confused and he's not as old as he thinks he is Grin

Anyway - having argued all of that - the point is that actual age is completely irrelevant to anything - surely it's the individual. As with anything.

Chaucemar · 10/06/2016 15:51

Well, there's a lot of choice for you sip if you can ignore that kind of age gap. I'm having no luck finding somebody because I can't feel an attraction to somebody more than say 7 years older. And even then, they'd have to be as fit as I am. In the same way that pornification has leaked in to society, I think men now (on line at least) have a sense of entitlement to a much younger woman. I used to wonder who ARE these women who can over look a wide age gap but your post depressingly proves that they exist. So I'll just get my coat and go home I think!

Chaucemar · 10/06/2016 15:53

Because of slebs I mean, men take a sense of entitlement to date a younger woman from rich slebs, not porn. I didn't finish that thought.

werealljustpassengerstonight · 10/06/2016 16:20

Tbh I would really struggle if my dad got a girlfriend younger than me. His current one is less than 5 years older than the oldest of his kids and that's hard enough. It's just freaky to get your head round.

sipsmimthandlime · 10/06/2016 18:21

chaucermar - why depressingly?!

puddingbunny · 10/06/2016 18:25

Nobody suggested that you shouldn't work, but surely there is some middle ground between '10 hour shifts, six days a week' and living on benefits?

By your own account, you have attempted to see your grandchildren a grand total of once this year and are only now starting to think about sorting things out with your daughter because your grandson has taken the initiative by saying he misses you. It doesn't seem entirely fair to make out that your terrible judgmental daughter is keeping you from your grandchildren, when you pointed out yourself in an earlier post that you are far too busy with work and new child boyfriend to bother with anything else.

Doyoufeelluckypunk · 10/06/2016 18:31

It has nothing to do with anyone else how big your age gap is!

Shame on your daughter for behaving this way towards you.

Keep on doing what makes you happy, and if that is dating a much younger man, then good luck to you!

thebestfurchinchilla · 10/06/2016 18:34

Half your age plus 7 is the minimum.
Says who?

RubbleBubble00 · 10/06/2016 18:37

I would struggle immensely with either of my parents dating someone younger than me. Don't know why tbh, is just how i feel

thebestfurchinchilla · 10/06/2016 18:38

I would too rubble but that's my problem.

Vriksasana · 10/06/2016 18:47

45-7 = 38 x 2 = 76.

NO WAY ON GOD's Green Earth

Vriksasana · 10/06/2016 18:49

Rubble, I would too, I'd wonder if they felt 'parental' towards me now that they were dating somebody my age. It'd wreck my head.

SirChenjin · 10/06/2016 18:49

This is one of those threads where I'm sure that the person in question (ie the DD) would give a very different version of events....