AIBU to expect my daughter to accept my much younger boyfriend?

[Nephilim1964]

Hi to everyone reading this. It's a long story, but I'll try to condense it as I wouldn't want my first ever Mumsnet post to result in a spate of people lapsing into comatose states or just basically losing the will to live.

I'm a mum of 3 (grown) DDs and at the age of almost 50, I left my life in London to move to another part of the country to help my eldest daughter
after her divorce. I gave up everything, including my (then) 14 year old daughter to come here. I found a job and somewhere to live. I took a huge
pay cut and apart from my DD and my 2 lovely GC, knew nobody at all.

The man that I had been seeing for 9 years visited at first, but his long working hours and the travelling took their toll on our relationship and we
parted ways. We're still in touch and he's still my best friend.

However, eventually all the stress took its toll on me and I have now developed a heart condition brought on by stress. I've been made redundant twice in the 2 years since I've been here and my savings have all gone on living expenses. I'm generally a glass half full kind of person, but have been at a really low ebb. Anyway, last November, I was invited to a 50th birthday party and was asked to dance by a friend of the hostesses son. He was really sweet and respectful, and we got along really well. He asked me out several times over the course of a few weeks, but I kept turning him down due to his age - he was 24. Eventually I relented, but took it extremely slowly. I had no idea how badly my daughter would take it, but nothing prepared me for the anger and the vitriol that was to come - including saying awful things about me on Facebook. That was bad enough, but the thing that really broke my heart, was being unable to see my adored GC. I wasn't even allowed to spend Christmas with them and
Would've spent it alone if it weren't for my boyfriend's family taking me in.

Does anyone think that my daughter's justified in her behaviour or am I in the wrong for embarrassing her by taking a younger partner?

I still can't believe the excuses about leaving the 14 year old, from both op and others. If anyone thinks she won't hold resentment over it (no matter how mature she seems), being left at the most important/difficult time of her young life, I'm afraid you're very naive. Yes her dad would be more than capable, however would any of us here do it? Would any of us be happy seeing our mum leave us at that age? Then, when she's done looking after her adult older sister, not come home but start dating a much younger bloke. Then moan she has no family to spend Christmas with on top .

It is relevant, the op has shown she moves from one commitment with her children to another. She left her young child to look after her older one, then left her for a younger one (admitting herself she now has much less time for the one she moved for). The op asked for advice, I once again suggest if you now are done helping your eldest, go back to your youngest.

As for all the 'well my relationship worked' on here, it's all cases of older men with younger women - you all seem to have had children regardless is the point. The fact is, if the op's boyfriend wants children, this relationship will not work. It may be just a bit of fun now, but if the boyfriend wants to have a family with a younger woman, all this (losing her eldest daughter) may have been for nothing.

BranTriLlygaid - I'm not asking anyone for forgiveness or trying to play the victim, but my daughter is almost 35 years old now - how long do you suggest that I put my life on hold for her? I'm only asking, as you seem to have all the answers and are obviously so perfect and mistake-free yourself. Some of the sanctimonious comments on here are frankly staggering..

YANBU. You are two consenting adults in an adult relationship.

If it were my mum (she's about your age) I'd think it's a bit weird but not horrendous. You DD, and most the people on this forum, need respect choices other adults make, even if it's not the choice they would make.

Why are you not getting it's not about putting your life on hold for your eldest, it's being there for the last few years of youngest' childhood. If it's such a resentment putting anything on hold for your eldest, why move there in the first place? I didn't talk about 'forgiveness' either, so not sure what you mean by that. I'm not being sanctimonious, I'm just pointing out facts, especially the last bit of my previous post.

How old were you when you had dd1?

I'd just turned 17 - her father was my first boyfriend.

Nephilim I'm afraid that's the kind of small-mindedness you won't be able to convince people out of. For what it's worth I'm also staggered; not to imply any insult by this, but I perceive it as a lack of imagination or breadth of life experience.

Hopefully no-one takes that personally and appreciates they can disagree with me as wholeheartedly as I disagree with them about your prior actions regarding your 14 year old.

Tbh having had a mother in an abusive relationship which she has finally found the courage to leave (so proud of her), I'd be happy for her if she found someone who treated her with love and respect regardless of their age.

Best of luck to you both

eatsleephockeyrepeat, if the 'lack of imagination ' or 'breadth of life experience ' is aimed at myself, yes I do take offence. Do you not, perhaps, think I may be speaking from experience? Or are you so convinced that only your view is right that anyone else must have lead a sheltered life to have an opposite opinion. And I'm the one called sanctimonious .

Why does age matter?
If two people like and get on together what on earth is wrong in giving it a go. My son is married to a much older woman (who is past the age of child bearing), his choice, and I love my DIL and she is lovely and makes him happy, no one dared to make a comment to me about their age gap!!

I also have a very good friend who left her teenage daughter with her ExH and OW as the girl was happy and settled at her school ect and the mother needed to get a job and had to move for work. Mother and daughter were, and are still very close, it was the best and only choice at the time.

Too many people on this thread are far too judgmental, the OP at age 50, with much life experience under her belt, must by now be a realist about life in general. Good for her that she's having some fun and excitement, it may or may not "last" who knows?

Her adult DD needs to grow up!

Your eldest DD has had you at her beck and call for most of her life. Now someone else is in your life, she sounds jealous

Yep, it sounds like your oldest DD has been indulged and spoilt. She's 35! Like I said, perfectly understandable to visit for 6 months, a year, until she gets on her feet, but to relocate permanently? You're sending some huge message that she is the most important thing in the world, and yes, she's going to think her thoughts on your bf should be given the most weight.

I couldn't give a crap about the age gap thing. If you're happy, he's happy, it's none of anyone's business.

FWIW, I know you say the 14 year old is OK with you leaving, but I bet you money she's not. She's likely putting on a brave face because asking you to stay, then you going to her sister anyway, she's not going to risk that is she?

Tell your older DD the world does not revolve around her, apologise to your younger DD, and get on with your life.

I really didn't want to offend you Bran; I'm only as convinced of my opinion as you are of yours.

Difference is, I can disagree with you without making insulting assumptions, eat. Anyway, makes no difference- the op obviously does not think anything she has done is in any way unreasonable, so what's the point? Plenty of posters here to feel sorry for her and think badly of her eldest.

I will say though, I was that teenage girl. I had to be mature, brave, whatever adjective you think is appropriate. I got on with it, but I never felt so alone. When you are going through things that you can't go to your dad about, sometimes just a mum will do when you're a girl of that age. Heck, if a grown woman still needs her mum for two years, of course a young teen needs her.

No, the age gap isn't a big issue. However other things are, if the op didn't want them to be focused on, they shouldn't have mentioned it.

Two years have passed if the fourteen (now sixteen) year old had issues with her Mum she'd have certainly made them heard by now !

My best friend at school moved from living with her Mum to her Dad at the same age for similar type reasons -and she was fully involved with the discussions that led up to the move (as it sounds like the OP's DD was) still saw her Mum very frequently (as it sounds the OP's DD does) and continued to stay close to both parents throughout and in the decades after.

So in an ideal situation elder daughter would have moved back to her home town -but she didn't -and the FAMILY made the best decisions they could for everyone at the time. This wouldn't be a decision the OP made alone -she has already talked about how her DD was involved in the discussions (and was presumably also concerned for her sister's well being too) and realistically the move could not have taken place without the cooperation of the father (and other sister DD also now lives with) too. It seems likely the fourteen year old could have gone with Mum but at fourteen would have already started her GCSE courses , had a strong friendship network and was involved in sport at a highish level -she'd have lost all of those and have to have started over when if she stayed with her Dad she kept all that and still maintained a close relationship with her Mum. A lot of this outrage seems to come from women who can't believe a man can be a good parent which appears to be a mistaken belief in this particular scenario. The daughter appears to have continued to do well and also maintained a close relationship with her Mum. Many fourteen year old girls who DO live with their mothers are in conflict with them at this age and closer to their fathers anyway.

It doesn't appear the thirty something year old sister has any appreciation for what her mother OR her sister did for her .......

Some of the suggestions on this thread are ridiculous "You should pander to a 35 year old woman's tantrums and demands " "You should give up the new life you have built , give up your job and return to the old area and disrupt your daughter again and make her move in with you" Some of you are as deluded as the OP's older daughter .

I'd be interested to know if the older sister has always regarded the younger as "competition" and is now miffed that having "got Mum to myself" sees BF as "taking her away". I agree the age gap is just a convenient reason - if he was the same age as the OP she'd have simply found another reason.

I do think if the OP's daughter was younger it would be a different scenario - and taking her with her would have probably have being the likely solution but it seems clear that the decisions made were in part driven by not wanting to disrupt the younger daughter from her education and existing support network including her Dad and other sister and indeed the child's own wishes. Most fourteen year olds soon let you know if they aren't happy with a decision after all !!

As for the women who think a relationship won't last if some of your bits are a bit saggy -presumably you've all married much older men who will keep ahead of you in the saggy stakes as you don't believe that things like love, companionship, shared goals and respect matter very much when compared with a few wrinkles or a big of sag !!! :D

People are people not numbers & you get people that are mature for their age or people that are immature??

If you're happy just crack on with it, your older daughter needs to wise up she should just be glad you're happy!!

I'm in a relationship with a 12 year age gap & because of this 1/2 your age plus 7 I'm going to have to go home & throw him out ...

I'm 34, he's 22.

No one thinks that much about the age gap & the older we get the less it's noticeable.

We don't look massively different in age or at least I don't think we do.

As for a 64 year old not being able to have a better body than a 34 year old, really??
What a load of absolute shite.
Not everyone droops & sags as time marches on, factors like lifestyle, diet, exercise all contribute to this not just what date you were born on.

I think you are both adults and can do what you wish.

I am older than my DP. He's 25 and I'm 35. We have been together 5 years.

Yes, it's quite a big gap particular when he was 20 and I 30, but it's working and we're very happy.

Who are other people to judge?

Yes, it'll all go horribly wrong, with an age gap like that. Look at Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas for an example of how a large age gap can't work. Oh, wait...

And what is all this talk of OP 'abandoning' her 14 year old? She moved away, she didn't dump her at the side of the M1 and refused to contact her again. She left her in a stable home, with her other parent, at a school she was happy at, doing things she enjoyed (sports). As they seem to have a good relationship now, I'm going to assume they stayed in contact and that the daughter doesn't feel abandoned.

OP, enjoy your life, have fun, be with your new man. If your eldest daughter has an issue with it, that's her problem to deal with. Even if she disagrees with your decisions, they are your decisions, and she needs to respect that.

My fiancé is 22 years older than me. In fact 6 months older than my father 😂 However it has never been an issue at all. Maybe I'm lucky with that considering the small minds of people on here. He is amazing, has taken on my 2 children as his own even though he has already done the parenting malarkey and has 2 grown up children. My DDs have taken his name and we are going through the adoption process now. Our relationship is fantastic, people comment all the time about how in love we are, and I cannot wait for our wedding in August.

His daughter did take a few months to come around but all is well now. She is my maid of honour at our wedding. I'm sure your daughter will see sense and realise that her mum is happy, but don't be unhappy just to make her feel better.

I spent 12 years with a man who was physically and mentally abusive, treated me like shit, didn't care about our 2 DDs and made me live a miserable life. He was the same age as me.

Saying an age gap is disgusting or however you'd like to describe it is nothing more than narrow minded and shallow. How is it any different to being against mixed race relationships or lgbt relationships?

OP I wish you every luck in your relationship. We are only here on this earth once and life needs to be lived and enjoyed to the full!

Op I just want to give you a hug and say it seems to me you have done nothing wrong at all, I'm very sorry you are this situation but I hope your daughter calms down soon, you don't deserve this x

Op it's sad your gs misses you. Is he safe and ok with his mother? I asked upthread if you needed to choose between HIM and your relationship obviously not your grown daughter. I never got an answer. Will you be able to see him or be in contact with him? He has access to a phone.

Bran I appreciate your lived experience, really I do. All I was alluding to was that if you can't imagine how another person could not feel the same way, or have not met people for whom the same broad circumstance resulted in quite a different happy outcome, to me that implies either a lack of imagination or a limited spectrum of experience. I'm aware that sounds bad but I was addressing it to the OP not to you or any other individual on here, but I appreciate you may find that offensive. It wasn't offered up as offence.

I'm very sorry for what you've been through and the lasting impact it's had on you.

Janecc - It was my GD's birthday in March and I had bought her a card and a gift. I contacted my daughter to ask if I could go over after I'd finished work to wish my GD a happy birthday. Her response was that she was busy as she had people coming over for a meal. I said that I'd just take the gift over and then leave. She gave me a niche in which to get there, leave the gift and go. My GD was so happy to see me as was my GS. They kept asking why they hadn't seen me for so long. My GD kept hugging me. It broke my heart not to be able to stay for her birthday, and I had to pretend that I needed to be somewhere else. After I left I just sat in my car and cried

Your choice to date who you wish, but you can't stop your DD finding it revolting. I agree, if you could be someone's parent, it's too big a gap. Your BF is not just a similar age to your DD, he's at least 6 years younger.

Hm, you met this man at a party in November and by Christmas the two of you were in a serious romantic relationship and your DD already knew about it? Whatever his age that seems like going the pace a bit. So how is that “taking it extremely slowly”?

And has she only complained that you are “embarrassing” her? Or does she have other concerns too? I don't mean to rain on your parade but I would be a bit surprised if this was only about his age.