To be sad, hurt and angry about being dumped from girly holiday?

[Tlb71]

My first post so forgive me if I fluff any etiquette issues. I have been part of a group of friends for 3 years and we go out for dinner every month. I met them through my SIL at her hen do years ago and when we moved to the area SIL invited me to join them. It's been lovely thus far and I haven't been aware of any issues. It is tradition for the group to go away for major birthdays and this year Dubrovnik was chosen as the destination for one of the girls 50th birthday celebrations. This was mooted in Jan and I was about to go away for three months with DH and DS to Aus to see his mum but I said I'd go with the consensus re accommodation options and I' wasn't fussy. Our first dinner since we got back we talked about Dubrovnik and was asked if I still wanted to go - I said yes, very excited. I had a txt the next day from the girl arranging the travel to give me flight details to book and accommodation options - I said I didn't mind and would again go with the consensus but one villa was particularly lovely. Then another group txt came through to say there was concern over costs and to hold on. Then I got a txt from the birthday girl saying that as I was now coming it means that the accommodation they were looking at wasn't big enough and they would now need a more expensive option. She didn't think it was 'fair to ask the others to pay more and it would be best if I didn't go. Sorry xx'. This contradicts the txt from the other girl slightly and I'm not sure I've been given a straight story - I don't think the detail matters. I haven't responded but I've not heard from my SIL who I'm assuming was aware of the discussion the others had. Not sure what to do - DH is furious with SIL (they're not particularly close).

Good for you !! You deserve to go with someone who appreciates you and wants to be around you like you're dh, she sounds like an ungrateful, snobby bitch !! And don't need her in you life !

WOw - how hurtful and how horrible of them!
It did however occur to me that there may have been a communication breakdown between someone and the rest of the group (potentially on purpose I guess?! although someone may have mis-read a teaxt?)

Id hold back with anything too 'hurt' and just send a group message saying you were 'really looking forward to the trip and had wondered why there now wasn't room for you'

It might not be the group as whole - it might be just one of them being catty and trying to push you out. Is there anyone you can think of that might be jealous of you or threatened by your presence?

Id never treat a friend like that. If it turns out that they are being mean etc - then you deserve better friends anyway. Big hugs x

Nasty business.

I would send a group text along the lines that others have advised - make it clear that you have always confirmed your attendance. Put her on the spot.

Something similar happened to me. Another member of the group told me no one wanted me there and that it was preferred if I didn't come!

I was very upset and have stepped back from the group and pulled out of the trip (which funnily enough didn't go ahead).

The person who messaged me then deleted me off Facebook and put up horrible posts which were aimed at me.

The only good thing is she now doesn't talk to me when we turn up at the same events and the crappy little comments no longer come.

I'm still upset but I'm getting over it now and have found out who my true friends are.

I would send a group text and lay it on thickly about your disappointment and hurt. It will make them squirm. Then judge how each responds and if they grovel appropriately see them individually in the future.

Fish face you are awful - but I like you!

Group text. And your SIL should be thoroughly embarrassed if/ when she knows what's going on. In her shoes am confident my SILs would stand in solidarity with me and decide also not to go!

I don't understand some of the posts saying if you were in contact during the 3 months. If they had arranged the holiday in that time, why ask if you still want to come? Why not say "look don't be offended, we booked the holiday because we didn't know what you were doing". Even at this, you could've booked a flight and slept on an inflatable bed in the living room,etc. The birthday girl sounds like a cunt and I'm guessing it's not down to costs and I think she said so to the other girl. I feel that the BG has said something to the group which puts them in an awkward position. I would reply as a group text, like the examples given above. It's tempting to give her an arse thrashing but I believe in killing people with kindness. Be the bigger person but be smug about the holiday with your husband. I might be tempted to say that you won't go at the same time as you don't want to spoil their holiday by you being there.

I'm bet the SIL knows but feels awkward. Is this what you'd expect of her? I'd ask her if she knows more about it (she might feel relieved in you approaching her first).

Hopefully there will come a time when this bitch needs a favour and you can be just as nasty as she's been.

Enjoy your holiday. Croatia is beautiful. Better to be there as a couple or family

F

Out of curiosity, don't any of those "girls" have husbands or DP to spend their birthdays with

I would only respond to say that you were always going but since (not IF) they don't want you you will be withdrawing. Don't feed their egos by saying how unfair it is and how hurt you are feeling. They shouldn't feel that important. And you are not a school girl to expect validation of your feelings Your DH is more important than they are and you do have plenty of other friends

Having said that, if any of you still have have friendly feelings for you they might still want to contact you without you begging them or asking why and how.

Btw, I have only seen Croatia in pictures (Ljubljana I think?) and it looks ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS. Take on your husband's offer and go before they go. And go before they go and don't bother telling them or update Facebook or they will say that you have hijacked BG glory, tried to make them feel jealous, you are being petty etc and more dramas will ensue.

I think it may depend on exactly what has been said and when as to whether it was a reasonable assumption.
The telling by text wasn't well done and shouldn't have happened like that. However the rationale behind the decision may have been perfectly reasonable.

I have been in a similarish situation where we had a group that one person tended to be very enthusiastic at the time of arranging, then would pull out closer to the time, often an hour beforehand.
We'd talked about something we'd like yo do and she'd said "well I'd like to but dh is away and so I don't have child care."
We went to book and found that you paid per block. So say £100 for up to 10, £190 for up to 20. If you had 11, you paid the up to 20 fee. (was more than that, but you get the idea)
She took us to 11 people.
There were 3 or 4 people who said they'd happily pay the smaller amount, but not the bigger, so wouldn't go. Someone took the decision that she almost certainly wouldn't go in the end and booked the 10 person.
She took the hump massively, I wouldn't have told her that she wasn't booked in personally, and dropped out myself at the last minute if she had.
(I will also note that the telling us she did want to come was accompanied by the statement that she expected one of our baby sitters wouldn't mind taking her two as extra, and who would drive her as she fancied drinking, which went down like a lead balloon!)
In the end the whole thing got abandoned for us, with a lot of bad feeling.

Have you made contact with any of them OP?

Andylion has a perfect response

I just cut and pasted from a pp, advising the OP to not include the last sentence

Don't blame you for being very upset. I would be too. Lucky your DH sounds fab, and I hope you do have a good time.

Lots of good group text suggestions, but my favourite is:
Yeah I'd send a group 'well I'm disappointed to be uninvited from this trip as I'd been looking forward to it since January. Have a lovely time'.
(sorry, can't remember who said it).

I might slightly amend the last sentence to "I hope you all have a lovely time" which I think is nicer, sounds less bitter and more likely to illicit a response from the others/make BG look bad.

Bad call by birthday girl. Am sure they could've kept in touch by FB or email while you were in Oz to make plans with you. However sounds like you value the friendship group so a group text to say you're disappointed but wish them well, with no bitter or bitchy overtones is def the way to go. Others have already made fab suggestions. Enjoy your trip w DH .

I'm so sorry there is no longer room for me on our pre arranged trip, despite me saying all along that I wished to go .
I was looking forward to holidaying with the group as I believed we were friends, However my lovely husband realised how much I'd been looking forward to it and is travelling there with me instead.
I do wish you all a lovely holiday ,but don't wish to intrude when I'm not wanted , it may have been kinder not to ask me in the first place .

Did you speak to any of them yet OP? How did it go?

Speak to your sil - she must have done insight

Any response from your so called mates Op?

Def send the group email OP. Not everyone may be up to speed with what has been said to you.

Btw, Proto is a delicious restaurant in Dubrovnik. Well worth a visit!

I usually like to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume it's a misunderstanding, but the way she uninvited you and what she said comes across as very catty.

It makes me wonder if they were asking you to be polite (and because you were at the dinners where it was discussed) but they weren't actually expecting you to say yes. This might be why they kept asking you if you were sure you wanted to come. I've noticed that there are some groups of women who, when they have been friends for a very long time, are very reluctant to fully accept new people into their clique. They may spend time with you often, but in their mind you are not in their inner circle because you don't have the history of friendship they do. Obviously, you are supposed to be aware of this hierarchy and know your place, which you didn't do when you accepted their invitation. And now they're all bent out of shape about it

Op hasn't been back at all has she? :(

No, let's hope she's cashed the cheque and gone away for a romantic week with her husband.

All seems very weird

If they were a true bunch of friends they would squeeze you in - whether share a double bed with a friend /sil or sleep on the sofa

I'm wondering if they invited someone in your place

How many were meant to go? How many usually go on these holidays?

I would def ask sil about it as have to see her / plus send a group text saying its a shame that there is not enough room for you anymore and you were looking forward to going since first discussed in Jan