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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be sad, hurt and angry about being dumped from girly holiday?

132 replies

Tlb71 · 09/06/2016 09:54

My first post so forgive me if I fluff any etiquette issues. I have been part of a group of friends for 3 years and we go out for dinner every month. I met them through my SIL at her hen do years ago and when we moved to the area SIL invited me to join them. It's been lovely thus far and I haven't been aware of any issues. It is tradition for the group to go away for major birthdays and this year Dubrovnik was chosen as the destination for one of the girls 50th birthday celebrations. This was mooted in Jan and I was about to go away for three months with DH and DS to Aus to see his mum but I said I'd go with the consensus re accommodation options and I' wasn't fussy. Our first dinner since we got back we talked about Dubrovnik and was asked if I still wanted to go - I said yes, very excited. I had a txt the next day from the girl arranging the travel to give me flight details to book and accommodation options - I said I didn't mind and would again go with the consensus but one villa was particularly lovely. Then another group txt came through to say there was concern over costs and to hold on. Then I got a txt from the birthday girl saying that as I was now coming it means that the accommodation they were looking at wasn't big enough and they would now need a more expensive option. She didn't think it was 'fair to ask the others to pay more and it would be best if I didn't go. Sorry xx'. This contradicts the txt from the other girl slightly and I'm not sure I've been given a straight story - I don't think the detail matters. I haven't responded but I've not heard from my SIL who I'm assuming was aware of the discussion the others had. Not sure what to do - DH is furious with SIL (they're not particularly close).

OP posts:
Clearoutre · 09/06/2016 10:40

I can understand not wanting to protest without knowing the full facts and would be tempted to arrange a catch up with 1 or 2 of the group to find out the proper story...

Savemefromwine · 09/06/2016 10:40

What a nasty cow! I bet she's fucked up on the numbers and you are the nicest one so she thinks is she can exclude you easiest.

Ring your sil and let her know but personally I would cut my losses and not bother with them.

Kidnapped · 09/06/2016 10:41

Yeah, lovely romantic break with your DH.

SIL might be none the wiser about all of this though, so she might not even be involved in suggesting that you didn't come on the birthday trip.

LikeaHurricane · 09/06/2016 10:46

OP, I'm so sorry you got that horrible text....that must have been very upsetting for you.
You have been part of the group for three years, so it's not like you are a brand newbie is it?....... Not that it would matter even if you were.

Is this the first time that you have had the opportunity to go on a trip with them or have you been away with them before on a birthday or other kind of break?

Flowers Take Care x

WankersHacksandThieves · 09/06/2016 10:54

Maybe for a response you could say something along the lines off:

"I was really disappointed to get your text as I was looking forward to the trip. I have no idea where the misunderstanding occurred as I thought I'd been clear in saying that I was on board with whatever it was that was being arranged, even though I away. Anyway, what's done is done, luckily DH has offered to take me instead. I don't think it would be appropriate for me to continue to come along to the dinners as I'm sure that you will all want to discuss the trip and that would be really awkward and upsetting for me. I hope you enjoy your Birthday and the trip - wouldn't it be really funny if we were on the same plane?"

FetchezLaVache · 09/06/2016 10:57

I'd call SIL and say 'you'll never guess - birthday girl has just uninvited me on the holiday!'

This!

Best to involve SIL and get it out in the open with her- you're not going to be involved in the group any more, but you still have to remain on good terms with her.

So sorry you've been treated like this, btw, but agree that your DH sounds fab and I hope the two of you have a lovely time in Dubrovnik!

AlpacaPicnic · 09/06/2016 11:01

Bitchy me wants to advise you to do this - Go to Dubrovnik the week before them, then spend all your time finding dodgy looking villas and places, post photos on facebook saying what an awful dump it is, how much it smells etc etc.

Or... book somewhere much nicer than they were going to stay in and post lots of updates about how nice it is not to be slumming it etc.

But adult me thinks wankers text sounds more grown up.

HiddenMeaning · 09/06/2016 11:05

I'm not suprised you are upset although I think I'd focus on being annoyed rather than upset. Angry Angry I think speaking directly to your SIL would be a good plan. Even if she isn't close to your DH you will still have to see her in the future.

I'd also be tempted to group text everyone with a short text saying that you are dissapointed to be uninvited and that you don't know why as you were always keen to go. I'd do a 'but what's done is done' and wish them a good trip. I'd feel happier making it clear that that you were never being wishy washy about going.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/06/2016 11:16

Part of the group for three years and now suddenly you are left on the sidelines, that's odd. As for 'Sorry. xx' that is twisting the knife.
A trip for two with DH will be nicer but I would want to know how this went wrong. I m not sure I would pursue SIL - I would go to the next meet up just so you can see the birthday girl with the rest of them, face to face.

whois · 09/06/2016 11:18

I'd text back, "Oh, well I don't think it's fair to ask me not to go. Since you're so worried about fairness, perhaps it's best if you didn't go, then everyone will be happy."

Love it! Not sure I'd really do it but that is a very funny response :-)

Horible situaiton OP. Sorry.

thisonethennomore · 09/06/2016 11:24

I can't believe anyone would be so mean.
There must be a misunderstanding somewhere, was it planned while you were away, or something else?
If it is straightforward you were invited, but you're not now then frankly you're better off without them as your friends.

Gazelda · 09/06/2016 11:33

APlaceOnTheCouch's text to SIL would be perfect. At the very least, you need to try to maintain a relationship with your SIL.

And you never know, she may be able to unravel the misunderstanding (not that I imagine you'd want to go on the holiday even if they beg!).

MintyChops · 09/06/2016 11:44

Oh that is just horrible.

I think I would reply "I'm really confused and upset by your text. I was always going to be coming, that is my perspective on it. Feel free to go ahead with the others but please do own the fact that it is YOU asking me not to go, not ME dropping out or changing my mind."

Sellingyesterdaysnews · 09/06/2016 11:57

I would reply as a group text

I'm sorry to hear you tell me I can no longer go on the holiday , ( name) as I had been so looking forward to it.

Send to all, as not everyone may have had the full story( truth)

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/06/2016 12:05

I'd send a group text, just in case everyones not aware. "Very disappointed to hear from x that I'm no longer welcome to come along. I was very much looking forward to it". See what comes back. It'll make them squirm a bit if nothing else.

Waltermittythesequel · 09/06/2016 12:05

I would say:

What are you on about?? I was always coming! Confused

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/06/2016 12:06

X post with Selling

LagunaBubbles · 09/06/2016 12:06

How horrible. I would want to find out more information before I cut myself off from the lot of them tbh, I think this suggestion I'd call SIL and say 'you'll never guess - birthday girl has just uninvited me on the holiday!' is a good place to start.

EvaTheOptimist · 09/06/2016 12:07

I think they did planning for the trip while you were away, and "forgot" about you, or were confused about whether you'd said you were coming - whichever way, your name got lost off the list. Then you came back and they pretended they hadn't forgotten: "Do you still want to go?"

londonmummy1966 · 09/06/2016 12:19

I'm the sort of person who always assumes people don't like me when something goes wrong (aftermath of bullying at school). However sometimes it is just a misunderstanding. Have you previously enjoyed these girls' company? If so then might it be worth a diplomatic chance to keep the friendship? Why not send a text to everyone saying you are sorry that there was some confusion over whether or not you were coming - you had thought it was clear that you were but obviously wires got crossed whilst you were abroad earlier in the year. You are disappointed to be missing the trip but understand from XXX that this would have a bad impact on the finances - you hope that they will have a lovely time and not feel too guilty about letting you down as your DH has kindly offered to take you another time. You might give the next dinner or two a miss to avoid any awkwardness over discussing the trip but perhaps come September it might be nice to meet up again when its all over and done with.

That way you have graciously risen above it and given them an out if it was a misunderstanding but you have also given them an opportunity to come back if the girl you got the text from was acting alone. You also have a chance to keep their friendship going if you still want it.

blindsider · 09/06/2016 12:20

Waltermitty

How can it be a miscommunication? Unless I have misread the thread (entirely possible) at no time has the OP ever been anything other than going on the trip! She was never a maybe...

yorkshapudding · 09/06/2016 12:23

How horrible for you Sad

I can't believe that grown women would choose to manage friendships in this way, its like being back at school! You'll probably have a much better time with your DH (who sounds lovely) than with that lot. I agree with pp, definitely speak to SIL and send some sort of group text along the lines of "Hi X, I must say I'm surprised by your message but if you feel it's "best I don't come" on the trip then of course I won't. I'm dissappointed but I hope you all have a lovely time". That way she can't claim that you've dropped out.

citychick · 09/06/2016 12:33

this is behaviour from someone turning 50? Dear God . she sounds closer to15 than 50.
Poor u OP. i feel bad for you and rhe time you invested in this person/group
i would be telling SIL. make it clear how you feel.
enjoy your trip with OH
xx

SpiceLinerandHoneyLove · 09/06/2016 12:45

I'm so sorry OP. That's a very tactless way they have treated you.
Enjoy your trip with DH. It will be fantastic. Dubrovnik is a very romantic city and you will have a much better time with him. I imagine there will be a falling out between at least two of the 'girls' during their trip! X

FetchezLaVache · 09/06/2016 12:49

What is your gut feeling? That Birthday girl has decided that she doesn't want you there or that there has been a genuine muddle up and they'd rather cut you out than sort it out?

TBH I don't think it matters- she has treated you appallingly either way- but if you want to know for sure, I suggest you text BG back, saying that obviously you'll have to discuss it with DH tonight (thereby giving yourself an out), but if you were prepared to pay the difference between the two villas, so that nobody else would have to pay more than budgeted, would that be acceptable? How she responds will shed all necessary light.