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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad, hurt and angry about being dumped from girly holiday?

132 replies

Tlb71 · 09/06/2016 09:54

My first post so forgive me if I fluff any etiquette issues. I have been part of a group of friends for 3 years and we go out for dinner every month. I met them through my SIL at her hen do years ago and when we moved to the area SIL invited me to join them. It's been lovely thus far and I haven't been aware of any issues. It is tradition for the group to go away for major birthdays and this year Dubrovnik was chosen as the destination for one of the girls 50th birthday celebrations. This was mooted in Jan and I was about to go away for three months with DH and DS to Aus to see his mum but I said I'd go with the consensus re accommodation options and I' wasn't fussy. Our first dinner since we got back we talked about Dubrovnik and was asked if I still wanted to go - I said yes, very excited. I had a txt the next day from the girl arranging the travel to give me flight details to book and accommodation options - I said I didn't mind and would again go with the consensus but one villa was particularly lovely. Then another group txt came through to say there was concern over costs and to hold on. Then I got a txt from the birthday girl saying that as I was now coming it means that the accommodation they were looking at wasn't big enough and they would now need a more expensive option. She didn't think it was 'fair to ask the others to pay more and it would be best if I didn't go. Sorry xx'. This contradicts the txt from the other girl slightly and I'm not sure I've been given a straight story - I don't think the detail matters. I haven't responded but I've not heard from my SIL who I'm assuming was aware of the discussion the others had. Not sure what to do - DH is furious with SIL (they're not particularly close).

OP posts:
GigiB · 09/06/2016 12:54

The text is badly handled but I seems like only one side of the story. One angle - giving them the benefit of the doubt...

Did you have any contact with them when you were away. Or did you just have 3 months of being in your new/other life.
If you didn't make contact with them at all - email/phone etc ( or follow up on trip or offer to help sort out the trip/say hi/general catch up), they may have assumed that you weren't coming - ie missing events when you are away, then assuming you are wholly included when you are back, but not offering to help/look at accommodation options etc.
They have planned it in the 3 months you have been away. They've carried on seeing each other regularly and someone/all of them will have had to do all the planning and organising. They've now realised that there's a problem and you can't fit into the accommodation and can't afford the more expensive option. You haven't offered to investigate options or do any of the admin, but they will have to re-plan it.. maybe its been quite of lot of searching etc And they don't have appetite for that...
They clearly don't want to lose contact as they wouldn't have invited you out to the regular dinner.
If you value the friendships I would not do anything rash here and think about whether you have been a good friend to them for 3 months too...

HairySubject · 09/06/2016 12:55

I wouldn't be too quick to dump the whole group, I think the group text saying how surprised you are at being uninvited is the best plan. That was if others weren't aware of the situation they may be supportive of you. Seems a shame to loose a whole group of friends over one persons bitchy action. If they were all in on it their reactions will be very telling.

I also agree that you need to speak to SIL about it, otherwise it will be the elephant in the room at every family get together.

MadamDeathstare · 09/06/2016 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheWordOfBagheera · 09/06/2016 12:59

Send a group text in case the others don't know what she said to you.

'Huh? You reckon I "now want to come" and as it makes it too expensive so I should stay home instead? I always said I was coming guys! If you've made a mistake and not booked somewhere big enough then obviously I can't be included, but do not put it on me to make it look like I've suddenly changed my mind, that's just unkind. Tib x'

Auburn2000 · 09/06/2016 13:03

So sorry, OP. Very rude indeed of birthday girl. Can you find out anything discreetly from SIL?

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 09/06/2016 13:13

Sod the discreet call to the SIL. Absolutely a group text.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/06/2016 13:22

How very fucking rude of the birthday girl. Angry

I don't think I'd expose it all in a group text, but I would definitely have a word with SIL and see what her take is on it, and possibly a text to the travel organiser to ask why she sent you the travel details if you weren't meant to be coming? I mean, you could have booked it immediately and then what would have happened?
Just fucking rude.

Talk to your SIL and, depending on what she says, go from there on how you want to continue with this group.

And your DH sounds lovely.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/06/2016 13:25

I'd be forwarding the text to the rest of the group, prefixed with 'And is this the decision of you all?'.

But I am a bitch.

Tiredemma · 09/06/2016 13:30

I agree with group text-

JinRamen · 09/06/2016 13:34

What total cows!

BoatyMcBoat · 09/06/2016 13:39

Talk to your SIL, f2f preferably, but phone if not. Talking works so much better than text, actual conversation.

pilates · 09/06/2016 13:49

Op, that is really nasty.

Sorry, but I think Birthday Girl doesn't want you to go and is using the larger accommodation as an excuse.

In my experience I have found that having bigger villas works out cheaper for some bizarre reason.

The other girls may not be aware of the text, so go easy on your SIL.

StealthPolarBear · 09/06/2016 13:53

Yes very mean. I agree with emailing back confirming that you were always going and expressing disappointment

pictish · 09/06/2016 14:00

I agree that you should say "What do you mean? I was always coming and said so from the outset!"

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 09/06/2016 14:00

I would reply "I'm confused? I was always coming, we all spoke about it on Saturday when it was again confirmed I was coming and I have been sent messages about flight details and accommodation, so where you are suddenly getting the idea from that my inclusion is increasing the cost for everyone else is very confusing to me. Clearly I am not wanted along on this trip so I won't bother."

Make it clear that you know she is talking bullshit. I've done this before and had back tracking of "I don't remember the details", yeah right, and stopped bothering with those people.

GabsAlot · 09/06/2016 14:07

ask sil whats going on seeing as you discussed ti saturday i dont see how they cold have misquoted

unless they somehow got confused but she should hae set them straight

NKFell · 09/06/2016 14:17

This is what group texts are for!!!

Also, definitely speak to SIL because she's family.

NewMinouMinou · 09/06/2016 15:58

Another one here for a group text.

It's a good way to root out the truth.

Andylion · 09/06/2016 16:18

I would reply "I'm confused? I was always coming, we all spoke about it on Saturday when it was again confirmed I was coming and I have been sent messages about flight details and accommodation, so where you are suddenly getting the idea from that my inclusion is increasing the cost for everyone else is very confusing to me. Clearly I am not wanted along on this trip so I won't bother."
Send this to everyone but leave out the last bit about not being wanted. The BG screwed up or doesn't want you there. It doesn't mean the rest of the group share her feelings or think that you should bear the brunt of her mistake.

Tiredemma · 09/06/2016 16:27

Please come back and let us know the response!

eatyouwithaspoon · 09/06/2016 16:31

Just text your sil it seems a shame if you enjoy their company to throw it away.

CakeNinja · 09/06/2016 16:33

Agree with Andy.
Send that message.

It sounds as though possibly only BG has made a cockup and that she's trying to cover it. Also, I'd try and get your DH to back up on sil, it may very easily be nothing to do with her, she might not have any idea what's going on, what's he doing steaming in being huffy with anyone? You're big enough now to deal with these things, doesn't he know?!?

I would try and get to the bottom of it before snubbing what was previously a nice group of friends for you. It does sound like crappy actions of one, not all of them.

Hope it gets sorted soon Smile

DiggersRest · 09/06/2016 16:41

Who would send a message like that and not be aware of how fucking awful it is. I would be mortified to receive that text, sorry OP Flowers

Hippywannabe · 09/06/2016 16:45

That's awful! Do send a group text , at least that way you will know if it is actually what everyone wants or if the texter has made that decision all by herself!

LizzieMacQueen · 09/06/2016 16:50

Now do you think your SIL is actually behind your non-inclusion because she wants to get up to all sorts of things whilst away that she doesn't want you to know about?

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