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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit suspicious that friend's DH always plans 'romantic surprise' that cause her to have to cancel her plans?

28 replies

MackerelOfFact · 07/06/2016 23:01

Maybe she's just making excuses to avoid me, but we do have the kind of friendship where we'd both be fine with the other one saying 'sorry, I feel crap, can we reschedule?'

She is currently on ML with a 6 month old DC and lives in the middle of nowhere, miles away from friends and family so doesn't get to see people often. Yet when I make plans to see her, she often flakes the day before saying that her DH has booked a 'suprise' and she can't make it - even though she has plenty of days when she's truly free which these 'suprises' could occur on.

He's a nice enough guy and I'm pretty certain that the 'surprises' do actually take place, but I'm worried his behaviour is a bit controlling. Should I have a word? And how?

OP posts:
Original poster
MackerelOfFact · 07/06/2016 23:03

Excuse the typo in the thread title. That's going to bug me.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 07/06/2016 23:14

He might be controlling.
She might be depressed and not want to see anyone who might notice or question her.
You might have bad timing.

No way to tell at this stage.

KathySelden · 07/06/2016 23:28

My friends partner does this but he is a pychopathic controlling cunt and I hate him. He does not like her to have much of a life without him. When you do see her one on one is she jumpy or getting loads of texts or phone calls, does she often cut time with you short, all these can be signs. The trouble is its very hard to say anything as you don't want to fall out with your friend but want them to know you are there for them. It's so hard.

Scarydinosaurs · 07/06/2016 23:29

How many times have these coincidences happened?

fatmomma99 · 07/06/2016 23:34

Not asking to be rude or goady, Mackerel, but are you a parent?

It's just with a 6 mo she's likely to be very, very tired and also (irrationally) not wanting to leave DC for too long, but not wanting to be rude to you. (and maybe not wanting to present herself to you in this way)

So the husband excuse could be an excuse so as not to sound rude/pathetic/potentially not coping, but actually just bloody tired/obsessed with baby, etc).

Or it could be as you fear. Just offering an alternate suggestion.

Kiwiinkits · 07/06/2016 23:39

Sometimes leaving a 6 month old is hard, especially if they're breastfed and especially if you are going a distance away from them that makes it hard to get back. Suggest taking a DVD and popcorn around to her place for a catch up instead of going out, maybe?

throwingpebbles · 07/06/2016 23:43

Yanbu. Sounds odd to me. Could you arrange to meet her at a time her DHnwould be at work?

Iknownuffink · 07/06/2016 23:58

You could offer to babysit, turn up on her door with some wine, ready meals...

You may have inadvertently upset her when she was hormonal or had baby brain.

She may be skint and cannot afford a night out and the taxi fare home.

You may be needy and she cannot cope with that.

There are a myriad of reasons why she does not meet up with you.

beetroot2 · 08/06/2016 00:04

It sort of sounds that she's using him as a get out clause.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 08/06/2016 00:06

I have been known to use this as an excuse Blush

If it's any consolation, it's not because I don't like my friends.

CruCru · 08/06/2016 00:57

I used to have a boyfriend who did things like this. He would also turn up on my nights out to "give me a lift home" make sure I wasn't having too much fun

Bogeyface · 08/06/2016 01:51

I am thinking controlling too.

"Are you working late this week?"
"No why?"
"X called and wants to go out for a drink on Thursday, so I said I would meet her"
"Oh you cant on Thursday, I had a romantic evening planned as a surprise"

Lived it. It will get worse to the point where she wont even arrange to meet.

Iknownuffink · 08/06/2016 02:22

OP 's friend has a new baby and cannot be arsed with demanding childless friend.

KoalaDownUnder · 08/06/2016 02:56

Iknownuffink - username says it all Hmm

Atenco · 08/06/2016 03:21

Could you visit her at her place?

You are pretty certain that the "surprises" happen, so that discounts her thinking up excuses. But if he is controlling, the best thing you can do is make sure that this friendship survives, despite his sabotage.

Original poster
MackerelOfFact · 08/06/2016 03:24

Yes I have DC and said 'plans' usually do involve me traveling to hers or going somewhere nearby, always with baby. They're daytime visits - I bring pastries, we usually just go for a walk and I hold the baby for a bit so she can eat/wash/tidy. It's not a night out or anything crazy.

As I say, I'm pretty sure these 'surprises' do actually happen as photos usually turn up on Facebook - it's usually something like a lunch or a shopping trip, so not something that needs a huge amount of forward planning.

Could be a genuine coincidence. If it's an excuse though I'd be a bit offended because I'd totally get it if she just said, listen, mate, I'm shattered, can we do another day? No need to lie about it really.

CruCru He used to do the 'lift home' thing back in the days when we used to go out at night... completely forgot about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
MackerelOfFact · 08/06/2016 03:33

And only reason we plan our meet-ups in advance is because it's about a four-hour round trip for me so I obviously want to make sure she'll be in.

OP posts:
GarlicSteak · 08/06/2016 04:03

You sound like a great friend.
It sounds like she's going to need you.

Is there any other thing you might like to do somewhere in her area? I mean something you really would like to do - in case she's not in - that will also afford you the opportunity to ring up while you're already there, bring cakes, etc?

araiba · 08/06/2016 04:38

she doesnt like you

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 08/06/2016 04:49

I think it sounds suspicious too.

BrianBlowsBubbles · 08/06/2016 04:53

It rings alarm bells to me. Coupled with the lift thing also. She's your friend so you know best. I would monitor it a bit longer and if you have concerns maybe talk to her. I wonder if this sort of behaviour can creep up on you and you can't see it until someone external to the situation points it out? Maybe Bogey could shed some light on that?
You sound like a lovely friend btw.

RosieSW · 08/06/2016 05:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 08/06/2016 07:22

That's a long journey for a couple of hours together. Does she ever come to/towards yours? 6mo babies are quite portable.

If she is being controlled you are, in a way, playing along by doing so much of the running around. I have to admit that always being the one to trail out to hers would annoy me.

I think I'd talk to hr honestly. Ask her what she thinks about the 'surprises'. Tbh my dh would have to wait with the lunch or shopping trip (wtf - it's not exactly a romantic weekend in Paris, is it?) if I already had plans. Either he makes it too much hassle to do otherwise or she chooses to prioritise him every time.

Jamesnortonhotunderthecollar · 08/06/2016 08:00

Did she always want to live in the back end of nowhere or was this husband's idea? Some red flags for me in this story. Sounds like your friend's lucky to have you. Other people have probably given up - leaving your friend even more isolated. Which is what her dh probably wants.

RhiWrites · 08/06/2016 08:01

OP, when you next plan to meet up could you say "oh and tell Bill not to plan any surprises for [date] this time!"just to alert her to it casually and see what happens.