To tell this mum I don't want to be her friend

[WalkingBlind]

School gate mum, DC's in the same school. We bump into each other in the village etc. She seems to speak to a few people but always manages to stop me in the street/gate,etc. She got my phone number and messages me for general chat or to meet up or come for a drink at hers. I've never replied to a single message but she still sends them.

She's very clearly wanting to be good friends but I don't even want to be acquaintances Not that there's anything wrong with the lady.

The thing is, I have high functioning autism and I'm not comfortable chatting to people or texting them. She hasn't gotten any of the hints I've given or when I haven't replied. What's going to be the politest thing I can say to let her down? I'm not brave enough to say "I don't want friends I'm sorry" or even to outright say I'm ASD as that's such a difficult thing to come out with.

I can't just suck it up and try the friendship out i would find it devastatingly hard and could cause all sorts of problems for me. But if I turn her down bluntly she may think I'm saying she isn't good enough rather than I don't want that relationship with anyone at all. All I've picked up is that she is definitely the kind of person to be offended and make her feelings known... This terrifies me, I'm literally hiding from her at this point. MN always words things the best, WWYD?

I'm another one who wondered initially whether the overly-friendly school gate mum might also have ASD. It just seems like something I can imagine my DD doing (she has ASD and can be very persistent in trying to establish friendships, which some people seem to find off-putting because she doesn't always 'get' social cues). But there's ultimately no way to know if school gate mum has ASD.

I think it would be useful to send a response - not necessarily just to spare school gate mum's feelings, but to get her to stop contacting you, because it's making you anxious. And since you don't want to disclose your ASD, you don't need to.

I also agree that saying you're busy just defers the problem - she'll hope that in a few weeks or months you won't be as busy.

I like the suggestions to text something like, "Thanks for your kind invitation(s). I'm not a sociable person so I'm unable to accept any invitations, but it was nice of you to think of me." [And then block her number if possible.]

If she gets offended and makes her feelings known, that's her problem - not yours. You can walk away. She will just have to deal with feeling offended. But I think if you phrase your text in a way that makes it's clear that it's not about her, it should be basically ok.

I hope you find a way forward that works for you!

I avoid telling people. I used to, but was frequently patronised. One actually patted my arm and congratulated me on having been to University. In a slow, loud voice.

'Baconyum It's not prejudicial to wonder how someone who finds socialising hard, due to ASD (as oppose to a mental health condition that's developed over time), has found a partner'

Easy, you find a partner who respects and loves you exactly as you are and is prepared to compromise and work out a relationship because they want to be with you. My partner's on the spectrum, I initiated the physical relationship after we'd had an intellectual friendship for a year.
We have two adult children on the spectrum and they both have friends and partners who like, accept and respect them just as they are. They might not always understand a meltdown, or a withdrawal from company, but they don't get pissed off or make snide remarks. True friends just deal with the whole package.
OP, you sound as if you know what you need, and this person is crossing boundaries you are uncomfortable with. So I'd just smile and decline without further explanation.
You could also upgrade and change your number.

Baconyum - I agree honesty is fine, I'm not saying people should make themselves unhappy or uncomfortable to make others happy but to just ignore her is beyond unkind imo. So she is a bit cringy and weird, maybe she is happy as anything and just ott or maybe she is desperately sad and every day looks at others making friends and not understanding why she isn't included oblivious to the fact she is making it worse
Unfortunately for the OP this makes things hard for her but as she knows what it is like to feel socially awkward (no offence meant there) I'd like to think she would have an idea what it feels like for people to not get you and so let her down gently, (like in fact she implies she would like to) rather than be hurtful like some of the advice seems to be guiding her to

Honestly I would just block her number on your phone and forget about it, if she asks you haven't seen her messages. I also don't think you need to say you have ASD to not be friends with her. We are all not under obligation to be friends with anyone. I would hate this situation too.

Of course we're not obligated to be friends with everyone but there is absolutely no need to behave in a hurtful and cruel way. EVER.

And even if you believe that the OP has no responsibility to spare the feelings of another human being, it probably won't serve her children or her well if she is thought of a nasty, unfeeling snob. Because tbh if i reached out to someone for friendship and i was routinely ignored, blocked and then blatantly lied to I would think the person doing it was a bitch. If, on the other hand, she said - I'm not able for social relationships but i really appreciate you racing out to me - i would value the honesty and say- thanks for being so honest, i completely understand so i won't contact you but you have my number if you ever want or need anything.

Solitary Easy, you find a partner who respects and loves you exactly as you are and is prepared to compromise and work out a relationship because they want to be with you.

Firstly, that's not actually easy, is it?

Secondly, what I meant was how do you meet them in the first place?

Again, I suspect I am on the spectrum myself so am genuinely curious. Especially as I identify more with the lonely woman trying to make friends.

Never- I agree, there's no need to be hurtful just because you don't want to do something.

Mozzie

I agree with you. The OP is doing something: she is politely brushing the woman off. That is society's polite way of telling people you don't want to be friends with them.

If I meet a man and he texts me a few times, and I brush him off, he is not owed a sit down chat with my medical records in order to allow me to cut off contact with him.

OP: this woman is not going to take a hint. What makes you think she'll leave you alone once you start telling her personal intimate details about yourself?

NeverbuytheDailyMail

I would hope that you had enough self respect that after you'd reached out a few times, you'd give up instead of hounding and stalking someone who doesn't want to talk to you.

Of course I would but i really don't think sending a few messages or stopping to chat to an acquaintance in the streets constitutes stalking ffs!

'Secondly, what I meant was how do you meet them in the first place? '

Through shared interests. Hobbies, exhibitions, lectures, through other friends..how do you meet new friends usually?
No it's not easy, but neither are people on the spectrum the alien life-forms or oddities that some NT people seem to think. There are many varieties and personalities involved, DS met his girlfriend through photography and botany, DH and I met at a lecture and I invited him for a coffee afterwards to continue the discussion. DD is a gamer.

OK, maybe I meant easy for me. I'm not much into tailoring people to fit my personal preferences, I either like or don't like people as they are rather than looking for a project that I can work on.

Hi everyone, sorry a couple of the comments on here derailed me a little but I think I can respond now. Roughly.

Firstly she is a nice person but I can see why people steer clear. She's very pushy and a little too open/bolshy. I definitely don't think she has any social anxiety as she has a lot of cheek confidence asking personal questions and it's seems she knows she's doing it. I think she has stuck to me because I've been the only person to respond, but that's because I didn't understand the social cues/conventions and kind of trapped myself into answering anything so that I could get away asap. I found it shorter to speak to her and be uncomfortable than explain why I didn't want to. Normally at the school gates for the sake of my kids I can put a front on to say hello etc and appear NT. If someone approached me in the street I would normally literally run away. This lady will shout of me from a distance where I can't pretend not to hear and when I'm in the vicinity kind of block my exit? I want to be nice to her as I truly believe she's just lonely but I think I've been too nice (not understanding when to stop) and she's taken it the wrong way.

Also I find contact with my partner and children crippling also. I am pretty offended at a comment further back about "how can I handle my family but not acquaintances?".... My partner is totally aware of my past and current conditions, he knows how to handle me and choses to do so. I couldn't just be with any man. Only this man that I was fortunate enough to meet (to PP curious how to meet partners it was through a mutual music interest, total chance). There's a huge difference between a person who will back off when necessary and deal with your meltdowns than someone who doesn't understand how to deal with you at all. For example if I overloaded my DP would make the room quiet and dark, I would be left in silence and given time within a matter of seconds. He will even carry me to a separate room if I shutdown. A "friend" usually comes to comfort you and touches you or speaks. This would have horrific consequences for me. My children unfortunately have to learn how to deal with it also, but it's all they know so they "get it right" as well. I don't want to "teach" a person how to deal with me, fortunately for me my DP knew exactly what to do by instinct. Otherwise I wouldn't be in a relationship. And it's still very hard, I can't have my toddler cuddling on my knee if she wiggles or speaks too much, I have to be on my own several times a day and reject my DP's affection if I can't handle it (which is also several times daily). So there you go whoever made that silly silly statement.

Thank you so much for your help with

Thank you so much for your help with responses everyone, it would be easiest for me to ignore her but the messages are getting more frequent and all of them are questions (still with no response from me) so I see now she isn't going to give up. I will let her know that I don't usually text people or have contact outside of school and I'm sorry if this upsets her but it's nothing personal. I've decided not to mention the ASD as I feel strongly that she would use it as gossip to gain a friendship elsewhere. Eg "did you know Walking has autism and that's why she doesn't speak to any of us, always thought she was a bit weird" or even "Walking told me she was autistic but I think it's bullshit for attention" etc, as I've known her do this to me with info about other people at the gates.

(Let me know if there's anything I've forgotten to reply to I did RTFT but don't feel up to going back over it)

And thank you so much for being so understanding, I find MN so helpful for talking about the things I can't just message a friend and ask for help with

Great walking it sounds like you have a plan. All the best.

Good luck with it all, it sounds like a good plan and I hope it goes well. Xx

Walking

Thanks for updating! Glad to see you've worked out what to do. And sorry you had to point out the obvious before people stopped trying to guilt trip and shame you into giving this woman your private medical history.

Hopefully next time posters like NeverbuytheDailyMail are harassing people to be their friend, they'll remember this post, stop being so bloody entitled and let them be!

In my experience, honesty is best.

Whois is right. I would say "please don't think I'm being unfriendly. I have real difficulty with maintaining friendships because of my asd. I hope we can stay in touch at school but I'd find it really stressful trying to do anything more. It's not personal, it's just how I am".

Oops....just seen update! Jolly good