To tell this mum I don't want to be her friend

[WalkingBlind]

School gate mum, DC's in the same school. We bump into each other in the village etc. She seems to speak to a few people but always manages to stop me in the street/gate,etc. She got my phone number and messages me for general chat or to meet up or come for a drink at hers. I've never replied to a single message but she still sends them.

She's very clearly wanting to be good friends but I don't even want to be acquaintances Not that there's anything wrong with the lady.

The thing is, I have high functioning autism and I'm not comfortable chatting to people or texting them. She hasn't gotten any of the hints I've given or when I haven't replied. What's going to be the politest thing I can say to let her down? I'm not brave enough to say "I don't want friends I'm sorry" or even to outright say I'm ASD as that's such a difficult thing to come out with.

I can't just suck it up and try the friendship out i would find it devastatingly hard and could cause all sorts of problems for me. But if I turn her down bluntly she may think I'm saying she isn't good enough rather than I don't want that relationship with anyone at all. All I've picked up is that she is definitely the kind of person to be offended and make her feelings known... This terrifies me, I'm literally hiding from her at this point. MN always words things the best, WWYD?

Another prick, OP clearly stated that she does not want to socialise or feel the need to have friends. The fact that some people with autism enjoy.friendships is therefore completely irrelevant. She is not those people.

Some people posting on online forums have trouble understanding that everyone is an individual and that they don't have to like the same things as another person. That does not mean that you,simply by virtue of posting on an online forum, have to have the same trouble.

I've spoken to the mum in passing (I didn't want to ignore her to her face so this made me very uncomfortable) for a fair few months. She doesn't seem to have any "friends" that go round and I do think she's lonely. And she seems to assume we have a bond. She doesn't act like we are strangers. I wouldn't like to assume anyone was/wasn't autistic but she's very confident and doesn't show any traits that I have noticed. Just seems like she wants a friend, I'm hoping she will meet someone else and forget about me. I have heard other mums mention that she's a bit much for them so they don't talk to her, I think she sees us as the two lonely people who could form a bond? I really really don't want that I find myself hiding in the car until I know she's gone before I drop DC off and if I see her in the street I will hide in shops

Are you sure these are not group texts? If they are then ignoring them or a brief 'no thanks' is probably fine.

I'm really.sorry that you are feeling that way, Walking. I also want to say that, having thought about this some more, I realised I was wrong to suggest that telling her about your AS is the only way to go - of course you should not feel pressured to disclose something you are not comfortable to.

Hope it all works out for you, and soon.

How about swerving the ASD description in favour of saying 'I'm not much of a mixer'? That way you don't over share, and hopefully she doesn't perceive you as someone she needs to 'fix'.

Ghoul Yeah she got my number from a group WhatsApp I got added into (which I left) and then text my actual phone and for general chat as well as asking to meet but the content has been like "oh saw you at insertplace earlier you should come round mine" so I think it's definitely just to me (unfortunately)

How long has the messaging been going on?

And I still stand by not having to contact this woman in any way - especially if it's going to cause you distress. And I say that as the mother of two on the spectrum.

I wonder if she thinks you are a bit shy and is trying to, as she sees it, help you feel a bit more confident and fit in with the other mums. I think it's OK to just say 'It's a nice idea but I'm afraid I can't' if she asks to meet up.

Op I think you are probably right that she thinks you are 2 lonely people who could make friends - and she wants a friend. You don't.

Some good advice here about possible replies. I would be direct, with no room for her to manoeuvre - make statements, not excuses. Hope you can work this out.

I don't know OP but I do empathise. I am also a bit anti social....I might be on the spectrum...not sure. A woman at DDs school asked me if DD would like to go for a playdate...I said she would as she'd mentioned the child to me....then the woman messaged me and asked me to come to...for dinner!

I don't want to go with my 8 year old to have dinner with her friend's mum!

I'm 43 and have my few friends already....I'm often extremely uncomfortable in other people's homes....I don't like it. Now not sure how to refuse politely!

OP, this must be harrowing for you.

I suspect that the other mum feels that she does not fit in, is lonely and is crying out for help. Identified you as a kindred spirit.

Not your problem.

Would meeting up in a neutral venue be too much for you to cope with?

I have always found it easy to put people off of me. Especially the schoolgate clique.

walkingblind I am very sorry this is causing you so much distress.

I agree with the comments from SpotOfWeather.

I think basically, in your shoes, I would say enough to put her off without upsetting her, and I would not mention autism unless you want to tell her.

I'd also decide whether a text or a personal word with her is better for you.

I think I'd say something like

"Thanks for the invitation over to your house. There's a lot going on for me at home at the moment so I hope you'll understand I'm not free."

If she is a normal person she will most likely do one of two things, say fine and understand or, if she is a pushy person (like me) she will say 'Oh well maybe next week then?"

Be prepared if she says this to say something like this just explain...

"It's very kind but it's not possible for me at the moment. I do hope you will understand."

And I would be tempted to say something like "It's not personal, it's circumstances for me.!

I'd say all that with a smile.

She may think someone is ill, she may think you are having your house renovated, she may think you have a very demanding job!

But you have not lied, you have not revealed your personal and private information and you've made it clear she is barking up the wrong tree in wanting to be friends with you. It sounds like she is over the top with others which is a shame. But it is not your problem, you did not create it and you are not responsible for it.

I think being vague is best. If you have not chosen to tell others about your autism through your own choice it does seem wrong you should be forced into telling someone through circumstances.

Good luck.

I was also a bit disappointed with that response from Another. I feel exactly the same as you, OP. I have 'given it a try' and hated it - I simply don't like this particular kind of social interaction and find it very stressful (I'm also autistic).

I am pretty sure I would just ignore as well. Maybe not the best response, really, but it's an honest one, because I would feel very 'cornered' if someone persisted.

I kind of feel sorry for the other lady, if she is lonely. Loneliness when you are socially awkward is the hardest of things (I know, I experience it frequently). I think you do owe her a text so she doesn't imagine that she is completely unloveable and unlikeable and that she can't even find a kindred spirit in someone else who clearly isn't part of the in crowd. She may also be on the spectrum but experience her feelings differently.

You don't owe doing anything you don't want to (although it would be kind to interact with her at the school gate) or can't do, but a text to put her mind at rest would be nice. Obviously I am projecting as I am a socially awkward, spectrum person with v high intelligence (PhD) but seriously lacking in social ability; yet, I like to have friends and get very lonely, even though I know it is my own fault that I don't pick up the phone enough, respond to texts quickly or at all, or organise to meet people enough. I then tend to go through a flurry of contact and then get upset/anxious of i don't get responses, so I withdraw/become lonely again.
She may indeed be a fixer or crusader who needs avoiding like the plague, but based on the impression your pp give, she sounds more like the awakard/lonely type who is struggling to connect with people she perhaps instinctively feels she could identify with.

We have this great system where I live ( Canada) called the school bus. Eliminates all the hassles of school gate etiquette. I feel for you. I don't have high functioning autism, but I am an introvert and detest small talk, discussing the weather and cliques. Ironically, I live too close to our school to qualify for the school bus, but am considering a switch to another school ( for legitimate reasons ). No more school run! Hurrah! Seriously, the school run is a mine field. I detest it, I feel your pain and I make my husband do the school run as much as possible. The mummies never bother men!

Oh! I feel your pain. Sorry for double posting. Here's my impression of the world... some people are extroverts, they get energy by chatting with others, by meeting new people, by being out and about, chuntering away to everyone they meet. Then there are people like myself. Highly introverted. Love quiet cups of tea in my garden, hitting the shops when they are uncrowded. I will literally duck behind a bush to avoid the chatty, gossipy, negative neighbour. I can be very social, but I prefer to quietly go about my business, not engage in small talk with everybody in the street and especially NOT at the school gate. God, I have to see those mummies twice a day.... what is there to discuss? My advice is to accept the you have your own social style. You DO NOT NEED to chat, text, visit, etc. with others just because they are extroverted. Many, many people feel awkward dealing with people who aren't friends. There is nothing wrong with you. A good book is "Quiet " by Susan Cain. You're not broken.

i think the kind thing to do would be to just put her out of her misery and say you aren't very sociable and that its not personal but would prefer not to meet up.
I realise this is difficult for you, but she is also a person with feelings and just letting her know she is wasting her time would be kind.

and i say that as a parent of two children with ASD.

I think the 'my personal circumstances are such that this is not something I can do' idea is good. It would have to be someone spectacularly insensitive to pursue that given it could cover any number of things inc serious illness of a relative.

Unfortunately reading between the lines - keeping bugging the op despite no response, other mums not keen as she's 'too much' are worrying.

So send a text along lines suggested by various posters but be prepared to block if she comes back at you.

As for the posters advising completely ignorant of asd (and I'm no expert myself). Surely just the fact the op made it very clear in her op that she DOES NOT WANT a friendship with this person - with or without ads as an issue - should tell you advising the op to 'try anyway' is so far from the advice she asked for as to be offensive. Nobody owes anybody friendship! Politeness civility yes not friendship.

You just need to send a text & let her know you aren't interested.
I think a couple of earlier responses had good examples. You don't have to get together, but it would be polite to let her know. Especially as she appears to be a victim of gossip at the school gates.

I am sorry you feel under pressure. She has probably noticed you don't have friends at the school gate and thinks you may mind / be lonely, and if she is also lonely it might just seem an obvious 'solution' to her.

I would not share more than you are comfortable with but I would definitely say something that goes beyond saying you are busy, because she may just try again in a couple of months (and it may sound like you are just trying to get rid of HER rather than the concept of socialising being the reason). I also wouldn't ignore her as that might seem rude and more of a personal slight.

I would send a text along the lines of some of the previous ones, saying something like:

I appreciate your interest in meeting up. It is kind of you to offer, but i am very introverted and not really someone who enjoys mixing with other people - it's nothing personal to you, just my personality! Thanks again, [name]

WalkingBlind

Just continue to distance yourself with non-specific responses. Don't feed the monster! You're busy etc. Take a longer and longer time between each text.

Evenutally she will give up!

Though it might take a while. These kind of people are very persistent. She doesn't sound like a nice person from what you say.

Distance distance distance.

Smile when you see her and "hi".

Don't agree to meet her. Believe me, from experience, she will never leave you alone then .

My teenage son has ASD and finds it incredibly difficult to socially integrate. If he gets texts/calls and texts from his peers he just ignores them, they eventually get the message. I don't think you're responsible for her feelings or that you need to constantly explain that you have ASD to people if you don't feel comfortable doing that.

I must admit I am inclined to agree a bit with AnotherPrick. I have read several posts on MN from people saying that their autism makes it difficult or impossible for them to have normal friendships or jobs or whatever and yet they all say they have children and/or a partner so have obviously at some point they've been capable of sustaining relatively normal interaction with a man, to have ended up with children. How on earth do you go about attracting a partner and keeping him if you are really that incapable of interacting with people?

Addicted I have ASD as does DS. Some people are easier to socialise with and some aren't. Women, especially seem to be quite touchy feely, which is uncomfortable.

If the OP, as other posters suggests, replies with a bland 'Sorry, I'm really busy' text, that should suffice. I really don't see why she should have to explain why.

I wonder the same thing, Addicted. I suspect I am on the spectrum myself, but it's just made me vulnerable to abusers, and isolated so I don't meet many nice, stable, non-manchild men.

Plus I struggle to make friends (tons of aquaintances though) although I'd really like to. Also, the people with ASD I've know in real life or spoken to online seem to tend towards the opposite of OP, and in fact be more like the other mum and not take the hint and need it spelled out.

On top of that, the NHS is busy doling out CBT to anyone with any kind of apparent mental health issues - I know ASD isn't "mental health" as such but women on the the spectrum often present or are misdiagnosed as depressed, anxious, PD etc. CBT is all about replacing negative thoughts. I know I've been expected to replace "negative" true thoughts with "positive" untrue thoughts with disastrous consequences, ignoring vital warning signs, not trusting own interpretation of situation, etc. With others describing this women as "too much" and her obvious lonliness, I wouldnt be at all surprised if she's been exposed to this kind of thing, encouraged not to "take it personally" if OP doesn't reply and thus ignore her suspicion that actually the OP doesn't want to know.

TBH I'm baffled myself at the response of certain posters, describing a woman obviously struggling as "not a nice person" or thinking it's ok to just freeze her out. Horrible. But the responses if the other woman was posting would be quite different, I suspect. Hmm.