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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this mum I don't want to be her friend

120 replies

WalkingBlind · 06/06/2016 17:05

School gate mum, DC's in the same school. We bump into each other in the village etc. She seems to speak to a few people but always manages to stop me in the street/gate,etc. She got my phone number and messages me for general chat or to meet up or come for a drink at hers. I've never replied to a single message but she still sends them.

She's very clearly wanting to be good friends but I don't even want to be acquaintances Sad Not that there's anything wrong with the lady.

The thing is, I have high functioning autism and I'm not comfortable chatting to people or texting them. She hasn't gotten any of the hints I've given or when I haven't replied. What's going to be the politest thing I can say to let her down? I'm not brave enough to say "I don't want friends I'm sorry" or even to outright say I'm ASD as that's such a difficult thing to come out with.

I can't just suck it up and try the friendship out i would find it devastatingly hard and could cause all sorts of problems for me. But if I turn her down bluntly she may think I'm saying she isn't good enough rather than I don't want that relationship with anyone at all. All I've picked up is that she is definitely the kind of person to be offended and make her feelings known... This terrifies me, I'm literally hiding from her at this point. MN always words things the best, WWYD?

OP posts:
TooLazyToWriteMyOwnFuckinPiece · 06/06/2016 18:32

It's better for the friendly-mum to be honest with her as of course she'll take it personally otherwise; however it probably isn't better for the OP to have to disclose private information. So something that helps both is ideal! Nouef's message is good.
Zampa in your situation I'd still have asked for playdates even if I'd known as I've seen on here people saying their child gets left out of such things due to their ASD - it is hard to get things right.

SpotOfWeather · 06/06/2016 18:47

I think you need to reply and politely decline, but I really wouldn't rush to be completely honest about the reasons. She's not your friend and you don't know what she'll do with this information. Just say that you're tied up and in need of me time, more than anything. Or too busy. And of course thank her for the invite anyway, but make it clear that you're not interested.

SpotOfWeather · 06/06/2016 18:55

Agree with TooLazy that honesty is best policy from the recipient point of view but who's to say that she will handle it well, or will even appreciate it? I'd say being completely honest with strangers is entirely unnecessary. If she wants to take things personally it's her choice.

Zampa · 06/06/2016 18:58

Too You're completely right about including all children in invitations but this Mum made it clear she just couldn't accept as her son wouldn't enjoy himself. I still invite the family to things but now understand if only some of them turn up or if they can't make it. That's why I think making others aware of your situation can help.

Rhythmsticks · 06/06/2016 19:32

If you have ignored all messages so far I would keep doing so-dont even open them ( if you do she may know you did!).

I am friendly at school gates but am not there to make friends- just be polite and dont engage!

LumpySpacedPrincess · 06/06/2016 19:35

I don't think op is responsible for this women's feelings and shouldn't have to tie herself up in knots thinking of a way to extricate herself from a situation she hasn't created.

YouTheCat · 06/06/2016 19:48

No way would I tell her you are autistic. If she has such a thick skin that she's continuing to message you when you've shown no interest, then she'll see it as a challenge to 'bring you out of your skin'.

I'd be bloody cross with whoever gave out your number.

I'd continue with not responding at all. You don't owe her anything.

cansu · 06/06/2016 19:50

Just say you are v busy, but thanks anyway.

CaspoFungin · 06/06/2016 19:53

I think the message about having social anxiety or something is the best way, if you don't have an "excuse" as such she will take personally and think it's he.

Also are you sure you don't want a friend? Or maybe just be acquaintances? Couldn't you give it a try or have you tried that a million times already?

notagiraffe · 06/06/2016 19:59

Without having to explain autism, if you'd prefer not to, I think you may need to word it in a way that shows you really don't want her to take on you coming out of your shell as some sort of social project.
Could you say: I've noticed that you have invited me out a few times and didn't want to ignore you. Thanks for the invitations but I just don't do socialising. People think it's odd or that I'm shy, but I'm not. Just happy in my own company and staying that way. I appreciate the gesture, but it's just not for me.

I don't understand the people suggesting you say you're busy if you're clearly not. That reads as a snub and the OP has specifically asked for help with wording that doesn't read as a snub.

Dontlaugh · 06/06/2016 20:08

When were you diagnosed?
You shouldn't have to tell her your reasons, just say it doesn't suit.

MrTiddlestheFatCat · 06/06/2016 20:17

I think its really weird that she continually texts even though you don't reply...At least after the first two times I would give up, or has she not asked you about it in person?

I think whois and those with the same gist have it right. Honesty as the best policy and all that.

rookiemere · 06/06/2016 20:17

I like noeufs response "thanks for all the invitations: sorry I'm so anti social , I'm just busy and don't really have time to do meet ups and things".
I do think it's worth responding somehow as your DCs are at the same school. The above may be a patent lie, but at least it sounds polite and means you aren't ignoring her totally. If she texts after that then feel free to ignore.

gamerchick · 06/06/2016 20:18

Text nothing that can be used against you is my motto. I'd carry on ignoring and block her number assuming its a mass text.

gleam · 06/06/2016 20:29

I think Noeuf's reply is perfect. Why should you have to give out your medical information?

carabos · 06/06/2016 20:46

Sorry for my ignorance, but is autism a medical condition? I kind of thought it is just "how things are" iyswim? Medical condition suggests there's a "cure", as if its a disease. Have I got that wrong?

sizeofalentil · 06/06/2016 21:00

Anyone else shocked at the persistent school mum?!

How can anyone be that dense? It's getting a bit stalky… (And if it was a bloke doing it you'd all agree, I reckon…).

ForkingFoodie · 06/06/2016 21:03

Hi Walking,

Sorry you've got to a point where you feel like you have to hide from someone - no-one should feel like that, it must be very difficult.

These things usually don't turn out as bad as you think they will once you deal with them.

I don't think you should ever feel like you 'have' to tell anyone you are anywhere on the autistic spectrum, it's none of their business. It's not the only cause for not wanting to socialise with people - there are plenty of other reasons too! Smile

I think Sister (second response) and Noeuf's responses are the best way to go.

Anything along the lines of thanking her kindly for her invitations, and sorry that you're unable to take them up, but you really appreciate her including you. That's all, you don't need to give her reasons why, it's your choice.

Good luck, and don't worry about it any more. Smile

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 06/06/2016 21:04

YouTheCat No way would I tell her you are autistic. If she has such a thick skin that she's continuing to message you when you've shown no interest, then she'll see it as a challenge to 'bring you out of your skin' ... I'd continue with not responding at all. You don't owe her anything.

Perhaps she is also autistic, and needs it to be explained to her rather than hoping she will just take the hint? There's been numerous posts on MN by autistic women who are lonely and struggling to make friends.

Quite shocked at the "you don't owe her anything" posts. Don't we all, as human beings, owe each other basic consideration?

AllegraWho · 06/06/2016 21:04

It's historically been known as a developmental disorder, but both medical professionals and people with autism often prefer to call it a condition, because the word disorder implies that people with the condition are somehow faulty. They are not - they just develop and function differently to neurotypical people.

Sometimes this difference is such that it makes it very difficult for people to function in the world, in which case the.condition becomes a disability.

whois · 06/06/2016 21:06

notagiraffe's message is great.

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 06/06/2016 21:11

I'm somewhat confused about you not wanting to meet this mom.
You say you are autistic, but many autistic people enjoy the company of others; perhaps not big groups or whatever.
I take it you have or had a partner; you must have enjoyed his company.
Friendship does not have to mean full on 24/7 contact.
My BF and I live just a few miles apart but only meet up every couple of months or so.
I think you are over thinking this situation.
Do you think you are using your diagnosis as a reason not to socialise?
I am not autistic, but I do enjoy being alone from time to time.
My real friends respect this.

marblestatue · 06/06/2016 21:29

Perhaps the "school gate mum" has difficulties in social situations herself, for some reason, and that's why she can't gauge the situation or take the hint.

Original poster
WalkingBlind · 06/06/2016 21:33

AnotherPrick I'm disappointed to hear a response like this, I think if you aren't aware of the effects you shouldn't have commented. Some people don't suffer every trait. You're throwing the entire spectrum into one category. I do have a partner (who often has to sit in another room from me daily) and some close friends but they aren't even allowed in my house and I don't meet up with them (maybe once in a blue moon but I often cancel at the last minute). This is people I've known for 10yrs+ that's not simply being antisocial Sad If I met up with this mother I would suffer a meltdown almost instantly and certainly have a panic attack before arriving. I have tried to meet someone in the past that kept asking and I was literally sick. I would never use ASD as an excuse for anything SadSad I will reply to everyone when I've calmed down thank you all for your replies still seems a bit 50/50

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 06/06/2016 21:39

Walking ignore the daft message.We have 5DC,2 of our DC are autistic.

You do what ever you want,what ever feels comfortable for you.Tell her your asd if you want to if you don't want to don't.

I would have thought with all the unreplied messages she would have got the hint,but because she hasn't and if the messages are starting to stress you out you could message her back and say
thanks but I'm really busy and have lots on,if I'm ever free I'll let you know and then you won't message her because you'll never be free Wink that way you've been polite and direct and she should stop messaging you.

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