To tell this mum I don't want to be her friend

[WalkingBlind]

School gate mum, DC's in the same school. We bump into each other in the village etc. She seems to speak to a few people but always manages to stop me in the street/gate,etc. She got my phone number and messages me for general chat or to meet up or come for a drink at hers. I've never replied to a single message but she still sends them.

She's very clearly wanting to be good friends but I don't even want to be acquaintances Not that there's anything wrong with the lady.

The thing is, I have high functioning autism and I'm not comfortable chatting to people or texting them. She hasn't gotten any of the hints I've given or when I haven't replied. What's going to be the politest thing I can say to let her down? I'm not brave enough to say "I don't want friends I'm sorry" or even to outright say I'm ASD as that's such a difficult thing to come out with.

I can't just suck it up and try the friendship out i would find it devastatingly hard and could cause all sorts of problems for me. But if I turn her down bluntly she may think I'm saying she isn't good enough rather than I don't want that relationship with anyone at all. All I've picked up is that she is definitely the kind of person to be offended and make her feelings known... This terrifies me, I'm literally hiding from her at this point. MN always words things the best, WWYD?

Agree with others that it is best if you speak to her directly. In your situation I think I would take the bull by the horns (it will poss make you feel less panicky if you take control of situation) and next time you see her, say words to the effect of:

"Hello, I just wanted to apologise for being so unsociable, I'm very grateful for your messages and kind invitations, and you seem like a lovely person, but I'm afraid I have a lot of things going on in my personal life right now that makes socialising difficult. I hope you understand. Gosh, is that the time ... ...I must dash ... apologies again, have a good week, good bye [do not be drawn in to further conversation].

It's the truth so you can say it confidently and without being unkind.

I know it is hard to tell someone you have ASD. However in my experience when people have told me this I have liked them more. And also it made perfect sense once I knew. Best of luck.

Addicted - a lot of us are totally capable, but it is draining and not something we WANT. For me, continuous social interaction means I can't do anything else with my day, I'd be really tired.

I would not tell her you have autism. She might think that you need a friend! She might spread it around. Just keep politely brushing her off. She needs to take the hint.

Either ignore her or break the truth, if you do break truth, make it clear that it's nothing personal. Personally I would carry on ignoring, but if you have guts to make truth you should do it and move on as it would be huge weight off your shoulders

Definitely best to be honest. I suffer with anxiety and if I was in this situation as the woman I would be going over and over what I've done to make op not want to be my friend. In fact a similar thing happened with someone who befriended me really intensely then dropped me like a stone and I wondered what I'd done.

I am sorry - it's a horrid position to be in, but the ONLY way that I can see to resolve it kindly, is to come right out and explain your high functioning autism. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and the more people you tell, the less stigma gets attached to it. I'm not just being insensitive - I'm bi-polar and I tell some people because I want to stop the impression that we're all barking mad potential murderers. Nobody's hurt me as a direct response, to date.

Addicted Autism is a spectrum, not a one-size-fits-all condition. Some people with autism can socialise and meet partners and some can't. A partner has to be understanding and give the person space if they need it. Presumably the OP has enough self-knowledge to know how much social inter she can or can't deal with.

Addicted, sorry to be blunt but frankly your attitude is pretty poor. I have autism and am married with three children. I also struggle massively with all aspects of social interaction and indeed day to day life.

My husband and I have attended marriage councilling twice over the years, plus I've had an emotional affair without even realising. I ended up in a mental hospital after the birth of each of my children for a four month stay each time. So no the interactions that led to me conceiving my children and meeting my partner where not easy and I wasn't equipped or capable.

If you have no knowledge of ASD why comment? You clearly think we're over egging our difficulties so I'm inclined to ask you to go do one tbh.

It's grim that this situation is causing you so much stress and anxiety OP. But I worry too for the woman who is trying to befriend you - I've found it so difficult myself to make friends since I became a stay-at-home mum, and found trying to take a step from 'person you smile at in the playground' to 'person you might go for a coffee with or meet for lunch' as bad as trying to ask someone out on a date. I've had to really force myself at times, and seeing other groups of mums easily make arrangements to do things together (e.g. recent skiing holiday!) makes me feel as bad as being left out of the popular group at school. Perhaps she just saw you as another person not in the cliques who might appreciate a friend.
If you can bring yourself to reply to her, even if you don't want to give her details of your condition and it has to be an 'it's not you, it's me' type of reply, that would be kind.

It's an uncomfortable situation to be in. While you can certainly be considerate of her feelings, I personally wouldn't tell her anything you don't feel comfortable with. I'm quite introverted and I sympathise with you - I would go down the route of 'thank you for your message, it's really kind of you to think of me but I'm sorry, I'm not very social and I would prefer not to....'

Keep it simple, polite and to the point.

You do not have to say or do anything! I would block her number and forget all about it now. I certainly wouldn't go telling her anything about yourself it is none of her business.

In future it is probably polite to reply to the first text quite quickly - Thanks for the invite but I'm snowed under atm.

Hello Walking. I hope I can offer a suggestion or two for tackling this. I don't wish my answer to sound cold, but facts need to be spelt out for this lady, and in your favour, with the least amount of further extra communication over and above a chance encounter.

1. I think the mode of communication should be by text, that way she doesn't have the opportunity to cock her head and feel the urge to a) pry - an added bonus of being under the guise of b) establishing a friendship

2. Feel under no obligation to offer a personal reason for your answer

3. Keep the statement neutral and factual, do not say you have too much on / you're busy / not the right time at the moment - this could give a false perception that things will clear up, and it might encourage the idea of a future topic to engage you with.

I have learned through the years how to politely keep people at arm's length and I have used the above, but always with a big smile.When you do clap eyes on each other, just raise your eyebrows, smile as you mouth "Hello" and keep walking at the same pace; she'll get the idea. And if not, ...well...., listen for a few seconds, smile and say you "Must be off now, good to see you looking well". Turn on your heel and don't look back!

I hope this helps.
x

Just RTFT and think the first comment from KayTee was perfect

I would be worried that of you say you're "a bit anti social" or "not much of a mixer" she might not back off and might try to persist thinking she can bring you out of your shell (she hasn'the got the message so far with you ignoring her). If you really want to get through to her then I think in this situation it's just best to be honest with her.

'Addicted, sorry to be blunt but frankly your attitude is pretty poor' I agree.

Not everyone is the same even among the NT! I struggle making friends because I want to be a burden (physical disability and mh conditions mean I sometimes have to cancel plans last minute and with someone I don't really want to have to explain to someone I barely know yet that eg it's because it's raining hard and I can't cope with 'dirty' puddles, or I'm having an agoraphobic/high anxiety etc)

Plus people change over time, op may have been coping better when she met her dp than she is at the moment. Geez how people are coping can change hourly!

Oh wow 'it's not your problem' what a seriously shitty attitude to have in life. If a person was lying hurt in the street technically that wouldn't be your problem either but would you just ignore that too. God help some of you if you ever need help or sympathy from a stranger. So quick to be understanding of the OP's condition but the poor woman at the gate can get stuffed. Social anxiety is a condition too and can be utterly miserable.

OP - I don't include you in the above as you obviously are a decent person to not want to offend. You don't have to go into too much detail but short of ignoring her forever which I don't think you sound comfortable with either I think a quick text is the way to go to just say you appreciate the thought but you are not comfortable meeting people or something. She'll see you arent making that exclusive to her anyway.

I can see now why school playgrounds can be so clicky and I think it's so sad that people are quite happy to let someone go about life lonely and isolated. You don't have to be friends with everyone but I was brought up to treat people as I would hope to be treated at least (again before I'm jumped on, not a dig at the OP).

I would be treating her as I'd hope to be treated - with honesty.

I'd rather have real friends than ones being friendly out of pity or duty!

What worries you about telling her you have autism? I wonder that if you explained it to her, and your need to NOT socialise, and asked her not to mention it to anyone else, the fact that you have confided in her and trusted her will provide her with the sense of friendship and connection that she needs whilst also putting a stop to the social invitations. You clearly can not do the social small talk stuff, but if you handle this situation well you can have an ally if not a friend. It's always useful to have a school mum to text in case of emergencies.

I think some of the posts on here show a good reason why never buy them

People are still very ignorant, dismissive and prejudicial when it comes to autism and similar disorders.

Would you be happy telling a virtual stranger about a medical condition of yours?

Argh not never buy them but neverbuythedm

I do. Often. Because I personally think that attitudes and prejudices can only be changed when they are challenged. I tell people often that i have experienced mental illness because i personally don't want to feel ashamed of that.

I'm not suggesting for a second though that everyone should or can do the same, but i was interested in the OP's reasons.

Baconyum It's not prejudicial to wonder how someone who finds socialising hard, due to ASD (as oppose to a mental health condition that's developed over time), has found a partner. I'd love to know because the issues I have that lead me to suspect ASD in myself are things that have really interfered with that area of life. Although now I'm wondering if I took the original comment too literally, and it was really a dig rather than genuine curiosity? Arghh

But I think people are ignorant and dismissive and prejudiced of anyone a bit "different", but that includes someone who clearly wants to make friends and coud really be struggling, being dismissed and ignored. I have MH issues and am very lonely and that kind of behaviour would make me feel awful, increase suicidal thoughts, cause my brain to spin round and round wondring why I wasn't good enough, what I could possibly have done to offend her. I'd appreciate knowing the truth rather than having my own "disorder" massively triggered. Doesn't even have to be specific truth, just something that makes it clear it's not personal.