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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed at MILs comments?

104 replies

houseeveryweekend · 05/06/2016 23:58

Im not going to say anything to her but i just wondered if anyone would agree with her?
I went on a night out for my friends birthday in Liverpool (we live an hours drive away) I got the train there and had an open return ticket. I went alone whilst my DP looked after our 1 year old.
We went to a party on a boat and then to a club in a warehouse that went on till 5am. I didnt drink that heavily and had intended to get the first train back in the morning however at 5am all my friends there decided to go on to a houseparty which was a long way from the centre. I decided to go and wait for my train instead. My partner texted to say he was awake as the baby had woken at 5.30am. As the first train back wasnt till 7 he said shall i come and pick you up? And i said yes, so he did (bringing LO with him) arriving to get me at 6.30.
Now yesterday he happened to mention this to his mum who didnt react well at all! Asking why i had been out so late when i had a child to look after etc etc and basically saying it was outrageous that he had driven to pick me up.
My partner recounted this to me as he was pissed off with her for being like that and apologised for mentioning it to her.
It did make me second guess myself though so i wondered if she had any right to be like that? This was my first night out without DP since i got pregnant.

OP posts:

MissMargie · 06/06/2016 06:44

Yes, DH is stirring it up a bit so that you feel guilty and therefore you 'owe' him, the knight who drove to save you, and so that he is the perfect but hard done to DH in his DM's eyes.

Or he is a immature or naïve to think repeating the MIL stuff to you was the way to go.

I doubt many MILs would say 'great idea' to their daughter/son inlaw out on the town til morning.

kawliga · 06/06/2016 06:47

I'd be telling him not to "happen to mention it" next time, or if he did, then to make sure he defends you when she goes cosmic again.

Exactly. He could easily have defended you and told his mother it was all fine. Instead, he listened to her having a go at you and then came back to tell you what she said about you

And I have to say, I'm suspicious as to why your DH told his mother and then came and reported to you her disapproval. Could he be unhappy that you went, and this is his cowardly way of signalling that? Or maybe he's feeling quite the hero, looking after baby and driving all that way to get you? Why else would he report to his mother what happened?

Jengnr · 06/06/2016 06:50

OMG. You went OUT??? And left your child in the care of a PARENT?!?!??? You terrible person you. :)

Hope you had a top night, ignore MIL and get planning the next one. Pp was right who said it's good for children to see that you have a life alongside being a mother. It's good for you too and provided neither of you take the piss and nights out are evenly balanced it's good for your relationship too :thumbs:

Or maybe I'm projecting as I'm a bad bitch of a mother who's fucking off to Download this weekend leaving my husband with the kids :grin:

SanityClause · 06/06/2016 07:05

To be fair to the DH, this is the first time this has happened, since they had the baby. He wasn't necessarily to know how his DM would react. Now he does, I'm sure he wouldn't say something, next time.

As for telling house about his DM's reaction - this could simply have been to warn her not to mention it to his DM, or to let her know his DM's possible reaction, if it were mentioned, in the future.

mamacien · 06/06/2016 07:19

Your Mil sounds like a poke nose nag, it's absolutely none of her business. Your partner is obviously more than happy and capable of looking after his own child for the night AND the next day while you recover. Having a child doesn't mean you can no longer be yourself. Never ever feel guilty for the odd night out.

Krampus · 06/06/2016 07:24

Yanbu

If the both of you are happy with the arrangement then it's fine. Since having childen my husband has been on occasional big nights out and been tired and hungover the next day, I have also done the same. The next day the other parent simply takes on the default parent role, it's called being nice to each other.

DartmoorDoughnut · 06/06/2016 07:31

How did MIL react to your DH going out on the piss the weekend before? I'm guessing she didn't say fuck all and thought it was good for him to let off some steam or some such bullshit!! I fucking hate these old fashioned outdated attitudes that mothers must sit at home looking after everyone and must never have any fun ever for some ridiculous reason

Off to have a calming cup of coffee

Krampus · 06/06/2016 07:35

sanityclause I agree.

Telling his mother was probably general chit chat, its the type of thing I would tell my Mum as something to chat about, oh I had to go and pick Mr Krampus up from the statio, yes they had fun.

I have also reported back to my husband in a similar way. The first time someone asked "does M Krampus mind looking after the children all wekend?" I reported back. Not trying to stir but out of surprise and humour.

kawliga · 06/06/2016 07:37

He wasn't necessarily to know how his DM would react

Hahahaha. He didn't know that telling his mother (HIS MOTHER!) that his wife left him with the baby and went to party all night and he put the baby in the car at 6.30am next morning and drove for an hour to pick the wife is a story that just might possibly by chance fail to meet with his mother's approval? I find that hard to believe.

OP did nothing wrong, but her DH was very unreasonable to share that story and then come back to share his mother's response. Jury is still out on MIL because she didn't poke her nose in, it's the DH who decided to share the story with her. So far MIL hasn't done anything unreasonable.

Why do people blame the MIL when her own son chooses to confide in her? He's the one who chose to tell her!! It's not wrong for her to express to him her view of things he chooses to share with her. He didn't have to go back and tell OP what his mum said.

blueturtle6 · 06/06/2016 07:41

What's the difference between being out and asleep in the next room, obv only if dh is there to do night wakings. Prob best to have a night out rather than a day out, which would probably be more acceptable to mil.

Headofthehive55 · 06/06/2016 07:41

I don't get why you would want to party til 5:30. She possibly doesn't either. Lots of people stop doing that sort of thing when they don't have to anymore. Having a baby often marks that transition to phew - don't have to party after midnight now!

But if you wanted to that's fine. I worked nights when baby was that age, we were fine!

PotteringAlong · 06/06/2016 07:44

I'm just impressed you've got the stamina to party until 5am!

SideOrderofChip · 06/06/2016 07:48

i don't see the issue with it. I wonder if roles were reversed if people would be bothered? I hope you had a good time

LunaLoveg00d · 06/06/2016 07:50

With a 1 year old I'm very impressed that you managed to stay awake until 6.30am. At that stage with mine I would have been curled up in a dark corner by midnight!

MIL is talking out of her arse, you have every right to enjoy yourself. Hope the hangover wasn't too bad.

kawliga · 06/06/2016 07:55

Nobody thinks OP was unreasonable to party. I do think that OP is unreasonable to be annoyed with MIL, as so far MIL has done nothing wrong other than have a different opinion (which she is entitled to). Just because it's ok to party, doesn't mean everyone has to approve.

MIL would be very unreasonable if she came and tried to tell OP her opinion but she didn't. She told only her son, who is the one who raised the issue.

FuzzyWizard · 06/06/2016 07:56

Yuch P

mamacien · 06/06/2016 08:05

I must admit, I read the original post as mil had actively said this to the op - In which case my original comment would stand. But as she said it to her son and didn't go out of her was to express her views to you personally your dp is BU for
A. Telling her in the first place
B. Coming back to you with the information that would obviously bother you
(still never feel guilty for having a nice time )

Fairylea · 06/06/2016 08:07

The ridiculous thing is that I bet if you'd arranged to go away for the night for a hen do or whatever once in a year or so then mil probably wouldn't have been so weirded out by it - it's the fact you were (shock horror) out partying! And why not? Your little one was well cared for by her dad and you hardly ever go out! Go for it!

I'd be really tempted to tell mil you're out next weekend as well and you're going to a strip club in London and then off taking drugs and raving.

NicknameUsed · 06/06/2016 08:14

"I don't get why you would want to party til 5:30. She possibly doesn't either. Lots of people stop doing that sort of thing when they don't have to anymore. Having a baby often marks that transition to phew - don't have to party after midnight now!"

Smiling at this because I agree. By the time DD was born my partying days were long over. How on earth do you have the stamina for this? Presumably you were awake all day the day before and awake all night. Did you sleep during the day the day after?

How did you manage to stay awake for so long if there were no drugs involved?

mamacien · 06/06/2016 08:21

Nicknameused

You don't need to take drugs to stay up all night what about all the mums out there that work nights and have to frequently do 24 hour waking stints?

Lymmmummy · 06/06/2016 08:32

You had one night out since the baby is born - your husband happily agreed to look after the baby - what's wrong with that

Staying out til 5am is a bit wild for me - but I am an older mother if you are in your early 20/30's then guessing this is the norm - and why not

Don't stew on it like other poster says - at least you have a good partner who put her straight.

Olddear · 06/06/2016 08:33

Wonder why DH felt he should repeat what his mother had said?

QueenofallIsee · 06/06/2016 08:39

I am impressed that you managed to party straight through if you weren't coked up..I would need chemical assistance to be able to power through until 5am + a 2 day recovery period. As long as you are not doing it week in, week out then I see no issues...I go and have a blow out with my mates a few times a year and have done since forever, makes it a bit easier to handle the grind of domesticity!

KayTee87 · 06/06/2016 08:40

None of her business at all.

My mil has a go at my husband for going out clubbing, says he's a married man with a baby on the way and shouldn't be doing it. I said if I wasn't pregnant I'd be out with him or my friends. She once said to me to behave myself when I had a night out with friends My mum also feels the same about clubbing that only single people should be doing it - maybe it's a generational thing?

blindsider · 06/06/2016 08:42

Hmm I think I agree with your MIL to be honest

On what basis? The only one that had any reason to be pissed off with the arrangement was the OP's DH and he seemed more than happy with the arrangement. Downtime for both parents is paramount.

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