AIBU to not want SIL to bring her new boyfriend to my house

[Harrassedorhaunted9]

I don't want my SIL to bring her new boyfriend to my house. I don't mind being invited to meet him elsewhere or to be introduced incidentally as part of another family gathering but I just don't want another bloke being introduced into my home just Like that. AIBU?

There is history...My SIL is a bit of a man-eater. She has had a string of boyfriends, most last between one and two years, move in with her and then she gets fed up with them and moves them on. The next boyfriend is always very quick on the scene and the cycle begins again. I have witnessed this cycle six times with a few much shorter flings in between.

Anyway, she has recently acquired a new boyfriend having evicted her partner of 3 years from the house they bought together.

We had accepted the previous bloke into the family, he came on family holidays and he stayed at several family members houses, attended family events etc. We let our guard down with him because of the commitment she made in buying a house with him and living with him for longer than usual. She also has a child so I asume she gives a fair bit of thought about living with these guys.

Anyway, They split up 2 months ago and SIL now wants to bring over her new boyfriend to our house.
I don't want her to for the following reasons:

My children are old enough now to clock her changing partners and I do not want them to think this is a normal or an acceptable way to treat people (the recently dumped bloke was heartbroken)

I don't know this new bloke from Adam and am not into the habit of allowing strange men into my house in a position of trust to mingle with my kids

I feel some kind of loyalty and respect to the dumped ex. After all we did accept him into our family, the kids loved him, we invested in him. Now he is disappeared out of our lives and it just doesn't feel right that SIL thinks she can trot a stranger into the same space.

So, I am just judging her or do i have the right to maintain some boundaries this time around in my own home?

Like I said at the start I don't feel any awkwardness if she were to invite us to meet hi elsewhere.

One to 3yr relationships are definitely not long-term in my world.

Then your world is a far different one than the one that most people inhabit.

I understand about the children, similar situation happened to my family. Two GFs my kids loved to bits disappeared from their lives and I told the person concerned not to bring anymore GFs round till he found the one. It was seriously upsetting for my kids and I didn't want that happening again.

I don't know this new bloke from Adam and am not into the habit of allowing strange men into my house in a position of trust to mingle with my kids

YABU for that alone. Don't be a dick.

Just tell your kids its her friend FFS.

I don't think yabu for not wanting them to stay over.

However, to say a 1-3 year relationship is not long term is rubbish! And quite judgemental.

Your SIL was with her ex for three years and they had a house. It didn't work out. That's life. Surely it's better to teach your children that if they are
Unhappy in a relationship to get the hell out? Or would you rather they stay miserable because shock horror they have had more than one long term relationship?

YANBU. Her own brother doesn't really see her and she isn't coming to see him so tell her not to come. I wouldn't want a strange man staying in my home when I have children either. It's not like popping in for a cup of tea. Staying overnight is completely different.

I also wouldn't introduce anyone like this as a member of the family. I have a few cousins who all change partners like the wind changes direction. I don't see them as family at all, despite how nice some of them may be.

You are shut-shaming your sister, how nice of you.

YANBU. While yes you're being judgey (though I don't think it really matters if you are or not), you are still permitted to make your own decisions about your life and children.

You've stated quite clearly that it's about introducing your children to this new man too quickly, and less about him being a stranger. You don't want your children seeing a "parade" of uncles, or being made to feel they need to treat this new man as an uncle, he's a stranger.

I think perhaps you'd be better off having a conversation with the SIL about how your children are upset to learn that X is no longer their uncle and you'd like to refrain from introducing this new guy as an uncle for a bit and would prefer he be introduced as a friend or something (though they'll cotton onto that if they're sleeping in the same room).

You would do the same if you were a single parent introducing a new bf of your own (cautiously and gradually), so family members are no different. To be completely honest this is why I have issues with anyone but biological family being called "Aunt" or "Uncle", simply because if the relationship ends they aren't anymore and it can be confusing for the children.

I agree syk

The OP is perfectly entitled to manage her own and her children's exposure to these new boyfriends and the best way to do that is to have a frank but gentle discussion with her SIL.

However It is not for the OP to judge how many relationships her SIL has and to cast judgement on their duration.

Op if you decide to have a frank and gentle discussion with your SIL about her sex life, please will you update us?

Hilarious. I think some posters are taking the whole thing far too personally!

I have no interest in having discussions with my sil about her sex life just as I'm sure she has no interest in mine!

I do have an interest in adults who float in and out of my family's life as a family member. That is where the judgement bit really comes in as from experience it is pretty likely this guy will also be sent packing after a year or two.

We have respected my sil's wishes up to now in that her bfs are treated as family. Quite frankly we've had enough of it. Seems that other posters who have been on the receiving end of similar situations also get fed up and set some boundaries.

Perhaps some of the more defensive posters don't realise the impact of a relationship extends beyond the two partners?

I have no intention of introducing the new guy as just a friend. He isn't and that isn't the basis on which sil wants us to integrate him with the family. She has never introduced any of her friends. Why would I concoct a story to get around the real issues?

Too right op. I pity her child if she isn't thinking long and hard about her boyfriends impact on them, which right now she doesn't seem to be. A little boy at school is affected by this. His mother is trying to be sensible for him but it's hard to find the right guy I'm sure. She has a relatively new boyfriend and they just hang out together as a 3 and she's trying to make sure the man wants to be with her son, not just her. Her sons not happy at all. She finished with a long term ex (maybe 4 years together) because although he seemed to get on well with her son, in the end her partner stopped showing an interest in him and just wanted her. They did plan to live together but didn't in the end because of this attitude change. She has never lived with anyone since splitting with the father when her son was a baby. It seems like your sister really needs to slow down. Does she appreciate the impact she's having on the children?

But there is absolutely NO obligation on your part to treat a new boyfriend like a family member. No obligation for your children to call him uncle. No obligation for you to invite him or her to everything you do. None. I'm not understanding where you are getting this idea from. How often do you even see your SIL? If you have one of those families where you all live in one another's pockets all the time then perhaps you should take a step back from that generally.