AIBU to not want SIL to bring her new boyfriend to my house

[Harrassedorhaunted9]

I don't want my SIL to bring her new boyfriend to my house. I don't mind being invited to meet him elsewhere or to be introduced incidentally as part of another family gathering but I just don't want another bloke being introduced into my home just Like that. AIBU?

There is history...My SIL is a bit of a man-eater. She has had a string of boyfriends, most last between one and two years, move in with her and then she gets fed up with them and moves them on. The next boyfriend is always very quick on the scene and the cycle begins again. I have witnessed this cycle six times with a few much shorter flings in between.

Anyway, she has recently acquired a new boyfriend having evicted her partner of 3 years from the house they bought together.

We had accepted the previous bloke into the family, he came on family holidays and he stayed at several family members houses, attended family events etc. We let our guard down with him because of the commitment she made in buying a house with him and living with him for longer than usual. She also has a child so I asume she gives a fair bit of thought about living with these guys.

Anyway, They split up 2 months ago and SIL now wants to bring over her new boyfriend to our house.
I don't want her to for the following reasons:

My children are old enough now to clock her changing partners and I do not want them to think this is a normal or an acceptable way to treat people (the recently dumped bloke was heartbroken)

I don't know this new bloke from Adam and am not into the habit of allowing strange men into my house in a position of trust to mingle with my kids

I feel some kind of loyalty and respect to the dumped ex. After all we did accept him into our family, the kids loved him, we invested in him. Now he is disappeared out of our lives and it just doesn't feel right that SIL thinks she can trot a stranger into the same space.

So, I am just judging her or do i have the right to maintain some boundaries this time around in my own home?

Like I said at the start I don't feel any awkwardness if she were to invite us to meet hi elsewhere.

Hugely, hugely judgemental. If they do come around make sure all the legs of the furniture are covered lest their voluptuous curvature incites lustful thoughts, ey?

I think you're angry with your SIL because you liked the last bloke, so you're trying to be vindictive and hurt SIL by slighting her new man. It won't go well, mark my words. Big family feuds etc. But if you really want to do that for the sake of being vindictive, go ahead.

(Ps. You don't need to let the new man go into your dc bedrooms on his own, whilst they're in there. I'm sure he'll be fine in the living room).

Do you want her to stay in unhappy relationships just because it's 'respectable'?

You're bloody lucky to have a stable marriage, don't judge someone who hasn't been so fortunate.

You use the expressions "my home" and "my children". Isn't it another adult's home too and isn't that someone their father too and isn't it his sister you want to ban?

Come off it. You haven't the slightest reason to think this bloke is s danger to the children - if you had you would have said so - and it's not as if your SIL was going to give them drugs or drink. You are being absurd and arrogant.

How old is she? Because this pretty much describes my 20s and I certainly wasn't a 'man-eater'. Just dating normally, surely. Shame for you that you liked the last guy but that's not a reason for her to keep him around, neither is him being heartbroken.

I wish I'd ever been described as a man eater

That Alisvolatpropis she's such a man eaters. Can't trust her around your man at all.

It reads to me like you feel her last bloke was treated badly and you want to have some kind of loyalty to him (esp as he's the dad to their child)

I do get that, but at the end of the day, family is family.

Sorry!

She is not in her 20s, nearer late 30s.

Augusta no I certainly don't count people I've never met before as friends and invite them to my house. And I certainly wouldn't allow my kids to have a sleepover at someone's house if I haven't met the parents first either! Isn't that commonsense?! All my kids are under 10.

Good to see some posters who have experienced similar behaviour from relatives have also got fed up with the pattern.

Embarrassingly the ex boyfriend really looked like the one before that and lots of family used the wrong name for ages poor guy.

If she did settle down with this guy for a decade and have kids then good luck to them! Whether that's her plan or not isn't really my business and doesn't affect how I feel at this point.

I suppose that on reflection I wished we hadn't embraced the previous guy so enthusiastically. We made assumptions he was going to be around for longer and so did he. We did that because of the way she behaved towards him.

So now I feel mistrustful. We encouraged the children to accept him as an uncle and now he has disappeared from their lives. I will definitely be more careful next time! Introducing adults to children in a position of trust like in a family member role isn't something to do lightly. I am really shocked some posters think that is an unreasonable thing to take into account!

This isn't a pop over for a cuppa t affair as they live too far for that. They would have to stay for the weekend.

Yes my husband does have a say but he hardly speaks to her so she isn't coming to see him lol. It is more likely that she wants to intro the kids.

I am going to suggest we visit them instead or wait until another family gathering later in the year.

YANBU. While yes you're being judgey (though I don't think it really matters if you are or not), you are still permitted to make your own decisions about your life and children.

You've stated quite clearly that it's about introducing your children to this new man too quickly, and less about him being a stranger. You don't want your children seeing a "parade" of uncles, or being made to feel they need to treat this new man as an uncle, he's a stranger.

I think perhaps you'd be better off having a conversation with the SIL about how your children are upset to learn that X is no longer their uncle and you'd like to refrain from introducing this new guy as an uncle for a bit and would prefer he be introduced as a friend or something (though they'll cotton onto that if they're sleeping in the same room).

You would do the same if you were a single parent introducing a new bf of your own (cautiously and gradually), so family members are no different. To be completely honest this is why I have issues with anyone but biological family being called "Aunt" or "Uncle", simply because if the relationship ends they aren't anymore and it can be confusing for the children.

My SIL is a bit of a man-eater. She has had a string of boyfriends, most last between one and two years, move in with her and then she gets fed up with them and moves them on. The next boyfriend is always very quick on the scene and the cycle begins again. I have witnessed this cycle six times with a few much shorter flings in between.

Eh? How is this a crime and how does it make her a predatory woman? Surely we all do that until we finally find our Mr Right? Are you suspicious of the fact that she hasn't clung on for grim death to the first average bloke that happened along?

We had accepted the previous bloke into the family, he came on family holidays and he stayed at several family members houses, attended family events etc.

Of course he did, he was in her life for three years.

We let our guard down with him because of the commitment she made in buying a house with him and living with him for longer than usual.

What guard? Why did you need a guard? It's not like he was dangerous or untrustworthy.

You are sounding a bit weird and controlling and very judgemental to be honest. I realise you feel a sense of loyalty to the other bloke but people have a right to move on in their relationships, you don't get to tell them how to live their lives. If she moves him in with her and her child within a matter of weeks then by all means judge away, but in the meantime stop being so high and mighty.

My children are old enough now to clock her changing partners and I do not want them to think this is a normal or an acceptable way to treat people

They also need to know that this is how some people are. So talk to them about it!

I'm with you all the way op. I wouldn't want to introduce someone to my child and have them disappear. My DD (almost 8) is a people person and gets attached to them so she would have been devastated. Just on a personal note, in my book you are allowed to continue seeing the ex independently especially if the child is his. He is very much their uncle in that case. - just because SIL didn't get married, plenty of people never do.

I would definitely want to keep him at arms length. The problem is that you can never trust how long these relationships will last. I think you got a rough ride from some of the posters. For me, the difference between having lots of partners and committing to a decent man/woman who you find a good mate is not "luck", more perseverance and tenacity. I could have split from my dh many times and vis versa but we aren't that kind of a couple - we work things through. The honey moon period in a relationship lasts 1-2 years and it sounds as if your SIL struggles with long term commitment where the chase has gone. When she's on her own with no children involved, that fine and she's a mother now so it would be nice if she could find some stability in her life as having a string of new stepdads will be extremely destabilising as you have found out with you family when their uncle disappeared.

I think some of the stuff you said comes over as s bit judgemental. I'd say that's more you trying to justify your own decision in your own mind. No justification necessary, kids feelings trump adult sisters feelings in this scenario. And I wouldn't be having them for sleepovers any time soon.

You're the ones getting the kids to call these blokes "Uncle" and buying them presents!

Your SIL is getting on with her life and I rather suspect feels she should be playing happy families.

She and her partner (past or present) probably say "Oh gawwwwd, haven't been to mad SIL's for aaaaaages, do you think we'd better go? Get ready to be called Uncle Trev for the duration"

I have been with dp for 19 years, living together for 13 and have a child and I still think "who are they on about?" when his nephews and nieces call me Aunty.

"My children are old enough now to clock her changing partners and I do not want them to think this is a normal or an acceptable way to treat people"

Oh yes, do teach yours that women should stay in unhappy relationships because "that's what women do, darling"

Have I stepped into some timewarp this morning? Do you live in Stepford, OP?

There is middle ground. You can let her boyfriend's in your home and be pleasant, but don't have to embrace each new partner as if they were a long-lost relation and make them your DC'S new uncle.

Exactly Death

You sound utterly ridiculous OP! You don't want a strange man "mingling with your kids"?! I'm guessing then you don't meet anyone new, ever, or introduce new people to your children?!

You clearly have issues with your SIL and have picked a pathetic excuse to put her down. I'm suprised to hear you have children, given that you sound like a petty child yourself!

Try and meet him first, go for a drink with DH and see if you like him, does SIL usually choose nice fellas? Plain and simple... If you don't feel ok with him, he doesn't come to your home.
I think most of us are weary of strangers in our home, near our children and our possessions, the truth is you don't know him, it's ok to be a careful mother,

A careful mother?! How twee!

I'm guessing you don't invite the new neighbours over for a coffee, or that couple you met on holiday etc etc over, in case they turn out to be predators out to get your bloody kids 😂😂

I think the "you are being ridiculous kids meet new people all the time" argument misses the point. These men are included in the family, treated as family members with all that entails then they vanish. It does send a message to children and not a good one.

I wouldn't make a stand as it will lead to bad feeling but op has a point IMO.