AIBU to not want SIL to bring her new boyfriend to my house

[Harrassedorhaunted9]

I don't want my SIL to bring her new boyfriend to my house. I don't mind being invited to meet him elsewhere or to be introduced incidentally as part of another family gathering but I just don't want another bloke being introduced into my home just Like that. AIBU?

There is history...My SIL is a bit of a man-eater. She has had a string of boyfriends, most last between one and two years, move in with her and then she gets fed up with them and moves them on. The next boyfriend is always very quick on the scene and the cycle begins again. I have witnessed this cycle six times with a few much shorter flings in between.

Anyway, she has recently acquired a new boyfriend having evicted her partner of 3 years from the house they bought together.

We had accepted the previous bloke into the family, he came on family holidays and he stayed at several family members houses, attended family events etc. We let our guard down with him because of the commitment she made in buying a house with him and living with him for longer than usual. She also has a child so I asume she gives a fair bit of thought about living with these guys.

Anyway, They split up 2 months ago and SIL now wants to bring over her new boyfriend to our house.
I don't want her to for the following reasons:

My children are old enough now to clock her changing partners and I do not want them to think this is a normal or an acceptable way to treat people (the recently dumped bloke was heartbroken)

I don't know this new bloke from Adam and am not into the habit of allowing strange men into my house in a position of trust to mingle with my kids

I feel some kind of loyalty and respect to the dumped ex. After all we did accept him into our family, the kids loved him, we invested in him. Now he is disappeared out of our lives and it just doesn't feel right that SIL thinks she can trot a stranger into the same space.

So, I am just judging her or do i have the right to maintain some boundaries this time around in my own home?

Like I said at the start I don't feel any awkwardness if she were to invite us to meet hi elsewhere.

op I understand your being pissed off at your sister.
you too have to grieve the loss of the respectable fellow. no need to have her new bf at your home yet.

YADNBU. YOUR house, your rules.

I do invite my new neighbours for a coffee, after I've had a quick chat first, but they don't stay the weekend do they... Der!.....Since when is it so wrong to be 'Careful'.
This isn't just a 3 hour get together, that I would not mind.

I don't see a problem with sil's behaviour but you should stop referring to the men as uncles. That is likely to confuse your children.

But Kerala that's how it always is with various significant others until such time as the person in question ends up with one partner for good. Unless the OP lives in some kind of weird cult where the whole extended family are forced to spend all of their time together day in day out, there is no reason to think her children need to be excessively or unnecessarily exposed to this man, or any other.

Blimey, what would she do if she had a dinner party or a barbecue and her unmarried friends wanted to bring a plus one? Ask to see their CV and request a meeting with them in advance to assess suitability?

YABU to use the expression maneater and I hope you never say this out loud.
I wouldn't want my dd to hear anyone talk about a woman like this.

Would love to hear your sils opinion on you op.

Smug married from Bridget Jones cones to mind.

Does your dh have a say?

Stop calling these boyfriends uncles too. It's wierd. Your kids will hardly be traumatised by aunty having a new boyfriend unless you enjoy making a huge drama out of it.

To add to the general trend here - you are being unreasonable and judgy. But (assuming your DH is actually ok with it), it's your house and your rules.

bessie

It's not just her house though is it? Presumably her dh is fond of his sister and has a say? No?

KERALA1 If she was with the last one for 3 years, it's hardly a revolving door of men she's introduced these kids to is it! They are all under 10 fgs!

YAB weird.

We quite often have friends of friends around to our house - it's nice to meet new people. They do not, in the vast majority of cases, pose a threat to you.

YANBU

I don't see why everybody's being so hard on you OP, it doesn't set a good example to the kids apart from anything else. Tell your mil you're only having the new man over if they're in a really serious relationship.

Trust your instincts.

All the people jumping on the OP are missing the bit where she says they will be staying in her house for the weekend, not just stopping by for a brief visit. I wouldn't like it either and actually I think you do have to careful with who you are exposibg your kids to. Him staying in their home says to the dc that he is a trustworthy adult - the OP doesn't know that yet because he is still a stranger to her.

I think introductions should happen over time and be gradual, not full on jumping straight in to the family. He is sil's choice, not the OPs snd sil shouldn't expect everyone to be totally accommodating to the point of having him stay over at this point.

Would it matter if it was just a friend? No. You not having him there will make no difference to you or your family. You're children will not end up shooting up in a squat because they saw their auntie have several relationships before she settled down.

"it doesn't set a good example to the kids apart from anything else." and what example would that be exactly? that people have the right to have relationships which don't work out, have a right to end those relationships and move on? Oh what an awful example to set for the kids... .

"Tell your mil you're only having the new man over if they're in a really serious relationship." these are adults we're talking about here, no? Consenting adults with the right to have relationships with whom so ever they choose?

Honestly, while I can totally understand rolling of eyes when one relationships and yet another one starts, I have a friend like this, every new woman is "the one,"until the next one. . ultimately how other people live their lives is their business. All this talk of letting your guard down and not letting people in etc is hysterical and frankly bloody odd.

Blimey, what would she do if she had a dinner party or a barbecue and her unmarried friends wanted to bring a plus one? Ask to see their CV and request a meeting with them in advance to assess suitability

Apparently she would, according to her latest post. OP, you're going to have to accept at some point the fact that your children are going to meet men you haven't vetted, and that that almost certainly doesn't put them in danger. Also, for what it is worth, that unless you demand a copy of their DBS certificate, the fact that you have met them doesn't tell you anything. Most abusers are family members of their victims, very well known to the child's parents (or actually the child's parents).

Hmm I think I have touched a nerve with some posters! Funny enough all the yabu comments are proving to me my points.

The whole point is that I don't want to teach the children that it is ok and normal to be moving in and out of relationships! And definitely not at this rate! The ex was here in the April sch hol for goodness sake!! I don't want them to treat other people that way or think it's to be treated that way.

I'll give it a bit more time before getting our family involved in this latest relationship. One to 3yr relationships are definitely not long-term in my world. Sorry if that gives some of you the right to call me rude names but I feel completely secure in that knowledge.

I don't like the 'uncle' thing either but just accepted it as an in-law thing. However I will make a stand on that too. Thanks mum netters, you have made things much clearer!

My aunt had a long term partner who she split up from and got back together with when I was a child. I found it really upsetting and confusing that this man was my uncle, then not, then was. I still have a slightly awkward relationship with him now.

I guess that is probably the reason that I don't tell my kids anyone is part of their family until they are married. They know and love my sister's long term boyfriend, but that is because he is a lovely person who is kind to them and they have gradually got to know him...I have never forced the relationship by telling them " he is your uncle" and they don't call him uncle. Only family and godparents get uncle or aunt.

Why not ask her to just introduce him as a friend of hers for now and you can all get to know him for who he is as a person?

Yes that is a sensible approach and exactly the one I plan to take. Thanks married in maui

I thought you were being ridiculous and judgemental to start with. But now I see that the visit would be for a whole weekend, I am a bit more understanding of your viewpoint.

I still think you're judgmental, and some of your 'let our guard down', 'embraced' and 'invested' comments come across as very dramatic.

But I agree that I wouldn't want a man coming to stay that I've never met before and who has only been in SIL's life for a few weeks.

I'm definitely with you on the 'Uncle' front. In my view, unless someone has been in that role since early childhood, then they don't get the title (likewise Aunt). They get referred to as 'first name',.

Thanks MrsTerryPratchett

But it IS OK to be in and out of relationships. Not everyone meets the person they want to settle down with first time and gets married at 18!! And there is absolutely nothing in any way immoral about a woman who has multiple sexual partners (I can't believe I'm having to type that in 2015 - feels like I've suddenly time travelled back to 1950).

Kids are remarkably flexible with relationships - they're quite good at sussing out people's motivations and will work out for themselves how to run their own lives as they get older. This person isn't being introduced as a father-figure but as a boyfriend and it's a normal part of adult life that people leave relationships. It's good for them to learn that this can happen early on, rather than to be presented with the utterly miserable suggestion that people in unhappy relationships are stuck forever.

I think you're being judgemental towards your sister. You never really know what goes on behind closed doors in a relationship, and you don't walk in the person's shoes or know what makes them happy. It sounds a bit like you're looking for an excuse to get rid of her out of the family, to be honest - it's a bit scapegoaty this.