To have ordered a cup of tea?

[overwhelmed34]

Dh, Dd, ds and I were invited to a pub lunch today with a group of friends. Money is a bit tight at the moment so we'd talked beforehand about trying not to spend too much.

After the meal we were all chatting leisurely whilst the kids played. Ds asked dh for a drink as he was v hot. As he got up to go inside to order dh asked me if I'd like anything. I said 'ooh yes please, a tea' he said 'really?', I said 'yes please' and he went inside and got one.

In the car on the way home dh seemed subdued so I asked him if he was tired. 'Yes,' he said 'but also I am NOT happy about you ordering that tea...'

It seems that although he asked me if I wanted anything, he expected me to say no, given our previously arranged budget, and if I wanted a tea that was an indicator that it was time to go home. My feeling was that, although we had talked about not spending much, he did offer and therefore shouldn't be cross I accepted.

To be fair dh suffers from depression, struggles in the heat and finds social stuff exhausting. But still, should I accept his view on this??

I completely understand and am so glad you did too as I didn't want it to come across "you were asking for it", because that's not the situation.

And no I don't think you were mean at all or that it's ever active cruelty in these situations - I just know all too well that feeling of, "he's fine! is he fine? God he looks tired but I really need this, he can say if there's an issue. Let me have this bit of freedom and feeling of everything being okay just a bit longer. Let things go back to how they were."

Other times it can come totally out of the blue of course, which is no easier to deal with, but perhaps feels less guilty somehow.

And oh yes friends. They mean well but a response of "oh what an arse!" is that even if they're right, you know it's not the whole picture and you feel defensive and guilty. Which sadly means if he was in fact being abusive or taking advantage or something, you wouldn't listen anyway.

I found talking to an independent counsellor about it at my DH's lowest point (when he talked about suicide) to be incredibly helpful and would recommend it too.

Intense though, so intense to have someone listen to you like that.

Fluff, that's a deeply unkind and ignorant comment given how MH issues like depression affect people. And right after the op has said about the effect of that kind of comment on her too!

You do know that depression is a recognised medical condition right? Not just someone being a "whiney" arse for the sake of it? (It can also be caused by things stemming from big childhood issues or unhappy events of course).

These things can hit anyone at anytime and don't kill off your attraction to or love for someone on the spot, though they can test you to the limit and do sometimes break up relationships.

If anything I love my DH more deeply for the way we've opened up, shared and hopefully moved through it together. We're not there yet but it's a journey I'm glad to be on with him on because I value him so much.

Sorry overwhelmed I had not read the full thread.
What you wrote at 14.54 means I really feel sorry for you. All the things your husband seems to think you are supposed to know and do made me feel a little exhausted when imagining your position.

I don't see that in offering you a drink he was giving you a cue for you to say 'now we should go home' even though I understand that we all know each other's moods after so many years of marriage.

Liza. I wasn't meaning to be unkind. On the contrary. He offered a drink. She accepted. Apparently she was meant to 'get' that he didn't want her to have one even though he was getting drinks for the kids. He got the hump over a couple of a couple of quid and an extra ten minutes. And he sees it as her fault. As I say she deserves a medal.

And I thought discussions in AIBU were usually fairly robust.

He said that as an adult I should have been more aware of the feelings of others (him) and initiated us leaving

You are on a hiding to nothing with this one. I cannot imagine someone offering you a drink and then turning it around to accusing you of not behaving like an adult by not being aware of his feelings. The only adult response to 'would you like a drink?' is 'yes, please' or 'no, thank you'. He was miserable and wanted to leave, so he asked you if you want a drink? Now he's blaming you for accepting his offer? Sod that.

After this, how will you ever answer any of his questions? When he asks if you want a drink will you have to go into a tizzy wondering what he's trying to get at?

But Fluff ... your post questioned why she'd ever been attracted to him in the first place and called him names. Was that being kind to the OP, who just said that she didn't like people insulting him?

I agree that AIBU invites opinions but it's not "robust" to perpetuate unhelpful stigmas around MH like the insinuation of, "if your DH is depressed and acting out like this, I don't even know why you'd be attracted to him anymore, get rid of the stingey passive aggressive twerp".

Obviously I'm assuming a lot here and may be wrong; I'm also projecting from my own (loving and non-abusive) relationship but really, if you've never dealt with depression first hand all the time, it seems rude to me to just say stuff like that. Does that make sense?

Having said all that of course, I don't quite know why I'm singling your post out as there are quite a lot of similar comments on this thread. It is quite saddening to see and I'm so glad I have a patient and understanding DH, I hope I'm the same with him.

So anyway, that was a ridiculous long essay. I don't know if I'm making sense or how else to express my views in any other way that I have already, so I won't endlessly repeat myself, and may just bow out now (unless it's especially helpful for you over), but just to reiterate - it's not just about "a couple of quid and an extra ten minutes". It never is. And yes, it's exhausting stuff.

MH is one thing. But the OP shouldn't be made to feel this misunderstanding was all her fault or that she has to walk on eggshells all the time.

Oh god, I agree and I am so sorry if I made it sound like you should never challenge someone with depression or tip-toe constantly, or blame yourself constantly.

But it's important to be honest with yourself too (for example, saying "I didn't know it would upset you" when actually deep down you sort of did) as that's not good communication either.

Honesty, talking and boundaries are hugely important, and if any partner ever uses their condition to abuse someone that's not ok.

To me it just sounds like he's using treatments and tackling the issues and so it's less likely, but again that could be projection (as I've admitted).

That's where talking to a professional counsellor could help give proper advice IRL too if the op can.

•Liza* Well I called him a twerp. Rather mild in the circs. I agree with those saying that the OP shouldn't be made to think (by her OH) that she was at fault because she'd failed to read his mind/mood/intentions.

Thanks again every one for your comments. liza I really appreciate your input, especially as this is something you have experience of. I'll definitely try and talk to someone as having your insight has been encouraging. Thank you.

I gladly accept your medal fluff thank you!

I do think you deserve a medal and it wasn't my intention to be unkind to you.

Lizalemon
Of course I do not know just how this all was for the OP, in life in general, and from my own experience, I think this was an interesting and important thing you wrote:

But it's important to be honest with yourself too (for example, saying "I didn't know it would upset you" when actually deep down you sort of did)

Sometimes there is that resonance inside oneself, when - what ever it looks like - one knows one is not being quite truthful - even to oneself.