To have ordered a cup of tea?

[overwhelmed34]

Dh, Dd, ds and I were invited to a pub lunch today with a group of friends. Money is a bit tight at the moment so we'd talked beforehand about trying not to spend too much.

After the meal we were all chatting leisurely whilst the kids played. Ds asked dh for a drink as he was v hot. As he got up to go inside to order dh asked me if I'd like anything. I said 'ooh yes please, a tea' he said 'really?', I said 'yes please' and he went inside and got one.

In the car on the way home dh seemed subdued so I asked him if he was tired. 'Yes,' he said 'but also I am NOT happy about you ordering that tea...'

It seems that although he asked me if I wanted anything, he expected me to say no, given our previously arranged budget, and if I wanted a tea that was an indicator that it was time to go home. My feeling was that, although we had talked about not spending much, he did offer and therefore shouldn't be cross I accepted.

To be fair dh suffers from depression, struggles in the heat and finds social stuff exhausting. But still, should I accept his view on this??

caroldecker with that maths, don't forget you need to factor in the cost of water, boiling the kettle, washing up liquid, hot water for washing up etc etc. YAWN YAWN.

I agree with lizalemon he was unhappy (maybe because of his uncomfortableness with the social situation and his low mood) and you were the lightening conductor. I had an ex who was like this. Took me ages to twig that I wasn't actually doing anything wrong that warranted the mood and/or telling off that I inevitably got on the way home.

lizalemon, thank you. That was a very helpful comment and gets to the heart of it I think. He's working from home today complaining of to.change. I haven't asked much about what's going on because I don't want to hear a list of how it's all my fault!

To the poster who said something about how sad to come up with a charade so people didn't know we were skint. We hadn't done that at all. Which is why I thought it was a genuine offer. I was actually having a lovely time as I'm quite a social person and love being out in the sunshine. I obviously hasn't picked up the hidden signals that he wasn't.

Not quite sure how to approach it now with him though....

it's one of the hardest times, when you think things are normal and you breathe a sigh of relief (you don't even realise you've been holding your breath all this time) and then like whiplash you find that was almost some form of test. It's not quite that cruel or targeted but it can feel similar.

No real advice on how to manage it except to keep talking and be patient.

Maybe say to him "I feel like something went wrong with our communication the other day and I'd like to talk about it when you're ready. No rush, but I wonder if this is how you felt and the tea was a bit of a symptom of that? Do you want to talk about it? You know I love and value you so much, and I'm here for you."

It's thoroughly exhausting and demoralising sometimes though like I said. Can't imagine it with kids too.

I might be wrong with that approach btw, it's so hard to know how to get it right.

You did nothing wrong. I can see that your partner also just reacted like that due to his own reasons. A cup of tea is not even worth rowing over or creating unhappiness. I would just give him a hug and say look sorry if I misunderstood you but it was just a cup of tea. Life is much more than that. And please keep your chin up Hun xx

Please be careful when saying it was "just" something to someone in this state. You're not wrong but from their POV neither are they and its minimising the issue behind the symptom, and that can cause more rifts than anything else.

You shouldn't have to be a mind-reader of course, but depression is selfish, and it can help you as a partner to stay a bit sane too to realise it's not you causing the problems.

Ideally anyone like this could do with counselling (not sock selling as my autocorrect just said!) if nothing else to start questioning and identifying these patterns in their own head.

And of course everyone has limits. I hope you're getting some TLC and care too overwhelmed.

Like I said, mind-fuck...

I do wonder if your dh (consciously or not) was already put out with the situation surrounding your son asking for a drink - is it possible that he felt unable to say no, but at the same time, already felt unhappy that the budgeting was not going to plan? You then taking him up on the offer of a drink might have provided him with an opportunity to offload his building irritation in your direction.

If possible, might be worth having a conversation so that each of you understands the other's point of view, and anything else that might be behind your dh's thoughts and words.

No grown man should behave like this over a cup of tea. I can't respect that at all.

As the partner of someone with long term chronic depression you need to be totally honest.
Not now, when he is in a low place but when he is having a good day.
I had to have a serious and open conversation with my partner as the depression was ruling our lives.
Luckily a change of meds has been brilliant
However, being able to say, OK you are depressed and I can empathise, but you cannot treat me like this, using your illness as an excuse, has been the most important part of us having a strong and loving relationship.

In return, my behaviour when my anxiety is ruling me is often challenged. Which is great as it often manifests as a toddler tantrum, and I don't enjoy it at all.
😊

Dieu, I have enormous 'respect' for anyone who's fighting depression and I can't help finding comments like yours a little saddening in the field of mental health awareness.

However it doesn't give someone license to be abusive or horrible, and I agree with iamearth on gently but firmly establishing boundaries at the right time, and not simply sympathising endlessly. That wording is good to follow-up after you've asked him what really went on in his head - your "steps forward" in future.

Why is it the tea that pushed you over though?

Maybe he should have had a cheaper main?

Thanks for the comments! We just had a chat...it turns out he didn't feel well yesterday morning, and thought I knew. He found the afternoon exhausting and struggled to follow the conversation (English is not his first language although usually you wouldn't know it). He said that as an adult I should have been more aware of the feelings of others (him) and initiated us leaving (it was nothing to do with the money aspect, he was just upset as he wanted to go home). His offering me a drink was my opportunity to say 'no thanks, actually I think we should be going soon' and I should have realised this. I am closer friends with those we went out with and therefore it was up to me to decide when we were leaving.

I said I understand almost all of that BUT I can't accept him being cross that I took him up on his offer of a drink. I had noticed he looked tired but when he offered me a drink I read that to mean actually he didn't mind staying a bit longer. This was clearly wrong. Also that he is an adult also and should be able to voice his feelings.

I did not bring up the sulking or snapping. I'll wait for a much better moment..

So I think we will be alright for now...I've said we need to communicate , and will remember this incident next time we talk about doing something outside his comfort zone.

Depression is a bitch though!

Hmmm.

You sound as though you're OK with the outcome, so I should probably leave it.

But.

as an adult I should have been more aware of the feelings of others (him) and initiated us leaving.

No. It's nothing to do with being an adult, or not being 'aware'. You're not a mind-reader.

His offering me a drink was my opportunity to say 'no thanks, actually I think we should be going soon' and I should have realised this.

No. Again, not a mind-reader.

I get that he was tired and struggling. I still believe he could and should have simply said so to you (surely he could have said it discreetly if he didn't want others to hear?).

I completely agree sapphire, it's just trying to explain this to dh is like banging my head against a brick wall. I'm happy with the outcome in the sense that there is no longer an atmosphere in the house, but I do wish he could occasionally see things from my pov. Tbh I don't know if that's a depression thing or not...but I do know he's upstairs asleep so now is not the time to push further...

Ps he says that after nearly 14 yrs of marriage I should be a mind reader! Haha if only...

Ps he says that after nearly 14 yrs of marriage I should be a mind reader!

Does he think it should go the other way too? Does he always know what's ailing you? If not, does he consider himself to have failed?

Ps he says that after nearly 14 yrs of marriage I should be a mind reader!

Does he think it should go the other way too? Does he always know what's ailing you? If not, does he consider himself to have failed?

DH can be like this. I'm trying to train him to ask for what he wants, rather than using an imprecise, weird PA method of guessing what people are thinking. It's exhausting and a waste of time.

Yet another question I'm putting in the bank until it seems a good moment to ask it..!

Hmm. I don't think you become mind-readers but after that long you do often become very good "mood readers" - you'd know instinctively (for example) how your husband would react to you suggesting going out for the day to the zoo, or to a football match (mine would hate both!) and you do build up little cues for "oh my god lets get out of here" etc. You get used to living and working around each other.

When you're depressed though, your normal is thrown off. You're ill and you need to communicate your new limits, but sometimes you assume more than ever that it's obvious how much you're struggling, when actually your partner isn't seeing your darkest thoughts at all, because you're not telling them. They're buying your act, usually out of desperation and love, but it sometimes makes it lonelier.

Are you usually good at picking each other's signals up? I only ask because I wonder (with absolutely no "blame" in a negative context intended), if you perhaps unconsciously overlooked those cues a bit because you were having such a good normal time? And because you're really quite tired of it all and wanted to keep up the buoyant feeling of "thank god, normalcy"?

It's just that I know I got sick of it sometimes - and that's such a taboo and selfish thing to admit to yourself, that there are times you want to say "snap out of it! Go back to normal!" when you know full well they can't help it and they desperately need acceptance more than ever.

I don't mean that to sound victim-blamey at all by the way and apologise if it does; I just mean that you should take a look at your own behaviour too to see honestly how this stuff is affecting you. Burying resentment all deep down isn't always good because you deserve help and support too - do you ever have counselling, family or friends, or a relaxing space where you get away from it all?

Sorry that was to sapphire.
mrstp I agree. And actually it's helpful that others have to work through this as well...sometimes it feels a bit lonely looking g at my friends and their spouses (spices?) communicating and just enjoying normal things. Obviously I don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but you know what I mean!

liza not victim blamey at all! I think you're right, my patience was running low and it was just so NICE to be out with friends, in the sunshine, that I chose not to check in and see if he was ok. Which might sound mean, but I know you understand.

I do have people that I know would support me, but I admit I tend not to talk about it because I don't want to be bad mouthing dh. And the last time I shared some stuff with a friend she wasn't able to help without getting really irate at dh (and talking badly about him to my friends, behind my back!) So I'm a bit more cautious now. Hasn't thought about counselling though...

I agree he offered in front of your friends so as to cover up the skint bit like carol said.

So its all unfortunate. But he maybe could have answered you with something like, "Why don't we have tea at home as we'll be leaving soon? It will be nicer." i.e asserted his opinion tactfully.

He is probably more literal than you (or me!). I'd think £2.50 is not really over budget after spending £40. He probably thinks a budget is a budget and would be right really.

In my opinion you should let it go, unless there are often clashes like this about other things as well as money and he maybe says one thing or does not assert any opinion, then simmers afterwards if it is not what he liked; or if he is often mean about small sums of money with you, in which case more small sums maybe need to be budgeted in.

The soft drink for your DS probably cost more than the tea. I'd take bottles of water/juice in my bag for him as extras in future.

I don't see how he can blame his depression for being a stingey, passive-aggressive twerp who expects his wife to be telepathic. If he wanted to go home why didn't he say so? You deserve a medal OP. As ever on these threads I wonder what the original attraction was.