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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have ordered a cup of tea?

113 replies

overwhelmed34 · 05/06/2016 16:44

Dh, Dd, ds and I were invited to a pub lunch today with a group of friends. Money is a bit tight at the moment so we'd talked beforehand about trying not to spend too much.

After the meal we were all chatting leisurely whilst the kids played. Ds asked dh for a drink as he was v hot. As he got up to go inside to order dh asked me if I'd like anything. I said 'ooh yes please, a tea' he said 'really?', I said 'yes please' and he went inside and got one.

In the car on the way home dh seemed subdued so I asked him if he was tired. 'Yes,' he said 'but also I am NOT happy about you ordering that tea...'

It seems that although he asked me if I wanted anything, he expected me to say no, given our previously arranged budget, and if I wanted a tea that was an indicator that it was time to go home. My feeling was that, although we had talked about not spending much, he did offer and therefore shouldn't be cross I accepted.

To be fair dh suffers from depression, struggles in the heat and finds social stuff exhausting. But still, should I accept his view on this??

OP posts:
branofthemist · 05/06/2016 17:11

I can see both sides.

I can see him offering to cover up the fact tags you are skint and expecting you to say no, since you knew you were over budget. He probably didn't want to appear rude or indicate your money is tight at the moment.

I can see you point that what he said wasn't what he meant.

I would just chalk it up to one of those things.

LillyVonSchtupp · 05/06/2016 17:12

If you're so hard up that £41.90 rather than £40.00 is even an issue worth talking about then you shouldn't be going for pub lunches at all really.

He sounds a bit of a misery really.

SapphireStrange · 05/06/2016 17:13

Posted too soon! I wanted to add:

I don't agree that he was probably offering in front of your friends so as to cover up being skint; he could have just got DS a drink without having to make a show of asking you. I bet no one would have even noticed.

I think he was gaslighting, or whatever the term is. Testing you? Setting you up to fail? You get my drift anyway...

MrsSpecter · 05/06/2016 17:17

I think if you cant afford a cup of tea then you cant afford £40 on a pub lunch.

Blu · 05/06/2016 17:24

Sounds exhausting all round.
Whatever the rights and wrongs of the coded communication, possible misunderstanding etc, going subdued all the way home due to the price of a cup of tea is not very adult. I would take no notice, but you may no better how to deal with him when he is being depressed etc.

lottiegarbanzo · 05/06/2016 17:25

Well if it's joint money and a joint budget, the concept of him 'offering' doesn't exist. Do you mean you took it as indicative of a suggestion that you cancel your previous agreement and stay longer, so spend more? Are you both usually so fluid with decision-making, or does he / you / both usually stick with what you've agreed?

I think it was reflexive politeness on his part, quite possibly about 'face' and fitting in with social norms, while he believed you ŵere solid with your arrangement, so would say no.

Šounds like he's more worried about money and you're a bit of a 'śpend now, pay later' type, so it's a wider mis-match of financial attitudes.

TopazRocks · 05/06/2016 17:26

I'd like to call this a storm in a tea cup! I can see this both ways though - on one hand it's 'only' a cup of tea and it was a hot day; On the other it's a very dear way to drink tea. If you were heading home anyway |'d maybe have waited and put kettle on once there. BUT he did ask you!

lottiegarbanzo · 05/06/2016 17:29

But he could have said 'I was a bit surprised' rather than 'not happy' which does sound like he's telling you off, rather than being a partner. That's where he sounds depressive - tipped into gloom by something small, instead of just finding out why you changed your mind and both learning to read each others' signals better for next time.

MrsSpecter · 05/06/2016 17:30

I'm interested to know who instigated the budget conversation. I am guessing it was you and he isnt all that keen but agreed so was annoyed when you then chose to go over budget.

bakeoffcake · 05/06/2016 17:35

You shouldn't be falling out over a £2.50 cup of tea! Go and tell dh this!

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 05/06/2016 17:36

Your DH could've said 'I'm going to get DC a drink, we should think about going once they are finished' if the budget was tight.

Not some vague cover nor offering to get another drink.

As for being ratty over the tea I agree with PPs a cup of tea isn't going to kill it if your budget was £40 though.

I wish people would be honest. But then I must be in the minority because I will say 'that's me done, budget is spent' when I'm out for the night/lunch whatever.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/06/2016 17:45

Being noticably subdued then using the line "I'm not happy about" in relation to a 2.50 cup of tea when you are not bones of your arse skint, is nasty.

Original poster
overwhelmed34 · 05/06/2016 17:51

Well he's woken up and is still sulking. Tbh I think it was less about the tea and more about him being exhausted and wanting to go home...
I'm off for a walk to reclaim some enjoyment of this beautiful day.

OP posts:
Saramel · 05/06/2016 17:52

It all sounds like a minor miscommunication to me. Perhaps you could set it up in the future that he will say something like, "You don't want anything else do you?" rather than asking if you want anything so you know he is trying not to lose face if that was what he was doing. It all seems rather trivial unless it is the straw that broke the camel's back. Life is just too short to make such heavy work over a misunderstanding.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 05/06/2016 17:52

Topaz a storm in a teacup Grin

You can't ask someone if they'd like a drink and then be cross if they say yes please!

lottiegarbanzo · 05/06/2016 18:09

Then he should have said he wanted to go home after DS's drink. Failing to communicate his wishes, then blaming you for not being his psychic help-meet is unfair and rubbish.

Enjoy your walk in the sunshine!

Jodie1982 · 05/06/2016 18:34

If your not totally skint I can't see why he's whining or willing to fall out over a £2.50 cup of tea.

worldly123 · 05/06/2016 18:43

I'd chuck the frigging £2.50 at him ...

I would be angry at someone making such a fuss over nothing.

Is he the full shilling Hmm?

Hockeydude · 05/06/2016 18:44

Drinks are the easiest way to economise on a meal out. I usually drink tap water when out with family, dh does the same. We buy the kids a drink of orange juice or something but explain to them that they can only have one, even if they neck it, it can only be replaced with tap water.

When out with friends, I will order a proper drink because drinking water in that scenario can be a bit tight.

fluffiphlox · 05/06/2016 18:46

Give him the £2.50 and tell him to grow up.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/06/2016 18:47

Tbh I think it was less about the tea and more about him being exhausted and wanting to go home... I agree and I think he needs to own his shit. If he wants to go home, he has a mouth and can say so.

Communication rule number 1: If you didn't ask for it, you can't moan if you didn't get it.

Pearlman · 05/06/2016 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chilledwarmth · 05/06/2016 19:10

Why would he ask if you wanted anything if you'd both agreed to stick to a budget?

Dieu · 05/06/2016 19:29

Tightarse. YANBU.

wavingnow · 05/06/2016 20:02

I too immediately thought what carol wrote (plus it makes me wonder if this has happened before). If your DS had later wanted more it would have made it even more over your budget, or would you have felt able to easily say no.

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