To have ordered a cup of tea?

[overwhelmed34]

Dh, Dd, ds and I were invited to a pub lunch today with a group of friends. Money is a bit tight at the moment so we'd talked beforehand about trying not to spend too much.

After the meal we were all chatting leisurely whilst the kids played. Ds asked dh for a drink as he was v hot. As he got up to go inside to order dh asked me if I'd like anything. I said 'ooh yes please, a tea' he said 'really?', I said 'yes please' and he went inside and got one.

In the car on the way home dh seemed subdued so I asked him if he was tired. 'Yes,' he said 'but also I am NOT happy about you ordering that tea...'

It seems that although he asked me if I wanted anything, he expected me to say no, given our previously arranged budget, and if I wanted a tea that was an indicator that it was time to go home. My feeling was that, although we had talked about not spending much, he did offer and therefore shouldn't be cross I accepted.

To be fair dh suffers from depression, struggles in the heat and finds social stuff exhausting. But still, should I accept his view on this??

I don't think it has happened before....it is quite a rare thing for us to go out as a group with friends. I've never really thought of him as someone who would want to save face in front of friends by offering his wife a drink but expecting her to refuse it.

I'm realizing (again) that having a depressed spouse can be very hard and maybe I shouldn't expect him to be able to spend an afternoon socializing without suffering for it later. He still hasn't spoken to me since we got back, so I expect there are other things I did or didn't do this afternoon that he also upset about. So I'll look forward to that conversation...

Could his thinking be that if you are trying not to waste money, you shouldn't be spending £2.50 on tea when it costs pennies to make at home?

Soft and hot drinks in pubs are quite overpriced. If you are trying to save money cordial with still or soda water are usually much cheaper.

I agree with carol

He was getting ds some lemonade! But point taken, I guess me asking for tea was along the lines of ordering a second dessert when we'd already decided to share one.
Pants. Will have to apologize.

No. Don't apologise. When your DS asked for a drink he was perfectly capable of saying no, you can have one when you get home. The fact that he was happy to get DS a drink and asked you if you wanted one means that you are perfectly reasonable to say yes, you'd like a tea. You're not a mind reader and shouldn't be expected to walk on eggshells when you are out to enjoy a nice afternoon.

Please do not apologise. Your dh didn't have to offer you a drink, and it was very confusing for him to do so, given that he wanted you to decline. Sounds like he was the one who sanctioned your son's drink, so he was already being flexible with your arrangement.

Thanks everyone. noctilucent he was like this a lot, but since he was diagnosed about 8 months ago and put on medication and did some cbt he's been nice and pleasant and seemingly normal. So today came a bit out of the blue. Sigh.

Don't apologise for accepting his offer of getting you something!!

Enjoy life and drink tea! For the sake of a couple of quid you had a nice cuppa... He needs to stop being tight and get over it

At £2.50 a cup, that equates to 2g of tea. That is £125 per 100g or £1,250 a kg. This compares to £5.60 a kg for PG tips.
Would any of you on a budget suggest that paying 20 times the price of a branded product is reasonable?

If it had been me I'd have been feeling all relaxed and happy and probably forgotten the £40 budget when asked if I wanted anything. 'Tea please' would have just been an automatic reaction. Sounds as if he'd just had enough but wasn't up to telling you so.
Hope it's all blown over by morning.

So, he didn't feel he could afford more drinks but decided to offer you one just so he could pretend to your friends that he could afford one more drink. He was putting on a show (a pointless show, because nobody cares whether you can afford one more drink or not). And in his mind, you had agreed to join him in this ridiculous sham by saying no when he makes his fake offer. WTAF?

So now he feels betrayed because you called his bluff and asked for a tea, which by the way is not the most expensive drink in a pub. He should be glad you didn't ask for a limited edition whisky or something like that. And tell him to stop being fake, because real friends don't care how much money you have anyway.

Was he doing a whole round? If so, that is a bit mean that you can't order a drink. Or was he just asking you? In which case, caroldecker's point does not stand, as it just makes him a tightarse.

This isn't about the tea, is it?

I also thought he was asking you expecting you to refuse, because you were already overbudget.

However, it sounds like he is directing his issues about other stuff he has going on at you/the tea as this is a massive overreaction.

caroldecker I agree in a way that tea and soft drinks are incredibly overpriced in pubs but when the OP's dh bought the ds a lemonade rather than getting him a free glass of tap water or saying you can have a drink at home, we are leaving in a minute, it probably appeared that he was ok to spend the extra £2.50. Op isn't a mind reader and it doesn't appear that they're going hungry one night this week because they've blown the food budget for the week, just that they'd spent more than they'd intended.

Sulking is difficult to live with, and over a cup of tea... I'd be frustrated.

Why would you ask somebody, expecting them to refuse, and then get cross because they didn't refuse? You shouldn't ask unless it's a genuine question. Who has time for stupid games.

To say that they had 'agreed' beforehand to carry out this charade is even worse. Two people plotting to pretend to order drinks so that their friends don't know that they're skint is really pathetic.

All over a cup of tea.

It is hard in a pub situation with friends when funds are tight, especially if everyone is taking turns to get a round of drinks. It's embarrassing to admit that you can't afford much, as friends will invariably offer to buy you drinks and you either accept (and feel like free loader) or decline their offer (they then feel offended) or someone will offer to lend you money (not easy to repay on a tight budget) and lots of sympathetic looks which can be embarrassing.
For these reasons, I understand why your dh would keep quiet about your lack of funds and just be careful about what you spend as a family on days out.

However, he has made the classic spouse mistake of assuming you can read his mind.

Oh dear. from me ... This isn't about tea though I agree.

It's someone with depression getting through an afternoon and from his POV (rightly or wrongly) he could be totally exhausted, doesn't want to be there, feels worried about finances and this is yet another tiny "let's go over a budget" which he's perhaps catastrophised into feeling "I'm unable to provide" and then into "I'm unable to do anything right."

Depression is a head fuck and I know it personally and from the partner's POV (which IMO was occasionally more difficult because of the walking on eggshells). It can make everything awful, especially when the real issues don't come out for days later.

The tea is probably just him expressing some level of "fuck! That made me unhappy and for some reason I'm blaming you."

He may actually have been miserable because you were with a normal, happy family and there he was, putting on an act. You seemed perfectly at ease with it and had fallen into the act. He possibly thinks you'd have been better off with a spouse like them.

It's exhausting and however much you love someone it's hard, so you have my sympathies.

A cup of tea! He is still sulking! Sorry but as someone who gets massively anxious and has been on sertraline for years and worries about money he needs to get over himself. Do not apologise. Communicate with him but he needs to grow up. You've done bugger all wrong.