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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expectations too high or unsuppprtive amily and friend? Poorly ds

48 replies

Wishfulmakeupping · 04/06/2016 15:39

Baby ds in hosp with suspected meningo (although at first it was thought to be sepsis) and bronchilitis.
We have toddler at home so Dh is between home and hosp Amd I'm here with bf baby.
MSG a few friends on thurs to said what happened and got some suppprtive responses but one friend read MSG and ignored not heard anything since.
Mil has been told and updated by Dh but I've not heard from her and I think there was a family party that inlaws went to last night which feels off too.
This is identifying I don't care I needed support from family and friends and don't think people have been bothered just how poorly my baby is :(
Dh says I'm expecting too much of people I don't if I am

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 04/06/2016 15:42

Sorry about your baby. Are you after emotional support or actual help? You might need to ask if it's the latter. I've been disappointed In friends and family in the past, but if you seem to be coping most people don't bother offering help ime.

Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 04/06/2016 15:53

I think both but mainly a 'how is he- thinking of you' quick MSG would help. Just to know that people are thinking about him.

OP posts:
EmilyDickinson · 04/06/2016 15:55

Poor you, that must be very hard. What is it that you would like people to do for you? Would you like them to look after your toddler so that your DH can be at the hospital too? Do you need supplies of food at the hospital, emotional support, visitors?
As a friend I would assume that non-family visitors might not be permitted or even wanted unless told otherwise and that you might be too busy / preoccupied to read messages. I would however have asked if there was anything I could do and offered to look after your toddler.
If it were me I would do a general update to all the friends and family that I would reasonably expect support from, saying something like, "Dear All, thank you so much for all the kind messages and offers of support (whether you've received them or not). Then an update on baby's condition. Then something like, thank you for asking if there is anything that you can do to help. We would love someone to have toddler for a couple of hours today/tomorrow so that DH can come to the hospital too. (Or whatever it is you need.) Thank you so much for all your help at this difficult time. It means the world to us."
Hopefully that will elicit some specific offers of help.

branofthemist · 04/06/2016 15:56

Firstly, if you were at the hospital I would be messaging your dh for updates. Not you. My thoughts would be that you had enough on and the signal at our hospital is no existent.

Are you sure your dh isn't forgetting to pass messages on?

What's the babies prognosis? I am very sorry for this. I had it when I was 17. It must be so very difficult.

branofthemist · 04/06/2016 15:56

Oh as a friend I wouldn't dream of going to the hospital.

Costacoffeeplease · 04/06/2016 15:56

Your husband has spoken to his mother so I'd assume she's asked him how he is?

Maybe people don't want to bother you while you're in hospital, or think your phone might be off/silent depending on the ward?

I don't really see why your in laws shouldn't go to a family party though?

OurBlanche · 04/06/2016 15:59

^^ that!

When my cousins son was rushed in with meningitis we all offered help with the other kids, drove a couple of hundred miles to give them both time to get themselves sorted.

Cousin put up a similar message to try and prompt closer family and friends to stir their stumps. It worked too!

Good luck xx

Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 04/06/2016 15:59

That's what Dh said costa but dancing round while my baby lies here like this turns my stomach I know that iabu but I'm at my wits end. I don't want people here I want people to ring up, text show that they are thinking of him.

OP posts:
branofthemist · 04/06/2016 16:00

How long has he been in?

Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 04/06/2016 16:01

3 days

OP posts:
IceMaiden73 · 04/06/2016 16:05

You're tired and emotional and being a bit U

There is no reason for the in laws not to go to the party last night

If you need help please send a text to people asking for it

Take care x

ApocalypseSlough · 04/06/2016 16:06

Message mil and tell her to please offer DH practical help so he can support you.
Flowers

HackerFucker22 · 04/06/2016 16:08

Sorry to hear this. How awful for you all.

My DS was in for 3 nights when he was younger (breathing trouble, 10 puffs per hour on spacer and nebulisers). My MIL and FIL were away and other than my brother I don't recall anyone visiting. Fair enough my sister and sil's had young kid's, my dad did help with the ferrying about [a little not much] and my mum has terrible anxiety so hospitals just freak her out but yes I felt very unsupported.

In the grand scheme of things though it really doesn't matter. Wishing your poorly baby better.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/06/2016 16:11

I'm sorry to hear about your baby, Wishful but if your MIL has already spoken to your husband to see how the baby is, why does she need to ring you as well for the same thing? If my baby had been in hospital I would barely register texts and phone calls, would actually find them annoying and disruptive but I know we're not all the same.

If I needed help, I would ask - and I know that I would get it - I'm sure you would too.

I think you're being unnecessarily but understandably sensitive about your in-laws attending a party. I'm sure they are concerned but, you don't want them at the hospital anyway, what do you expect them to do? Sit and home and wring their hands? That helps nobody, not your baby and not you.

If you want something - ask. It's not fair to place silent expectations on people because we don't all want or expect the same.

BirthdayBetty · 04/06/2016 16:15

I have a baby GD, I would be there to support my dd asap.

Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 04/06/2016 16:16

Mil hasn't rang him she's been told when he's called her twice that's it.
I'm struggling Tjsts all but I can see that I'm expecting too much then that's it-I would always asked if any of my friends or family's little ones were ill I'd check in every day in some way so they knew I was thinking about them but I can see that might not be the norm now

OP posts:
AugustaFinkNottle · 04/06/2016 16:24

They may feel that you have enough on your plate for them to be bothering you with phone calls and texts.

Monkendrunky · 04/06/2016 16:25

You're not expecting too much. My DD was very ill when she was born, 50/50 survival rate and I knew for 3 weeks before she was born. Times of stress show you who your friends are I found. Some people who I considered acquaintances at best went out of their way to ask after her while my supposed best friends didn't come near me... I'm sorry you're going through this and hope your baby recovers well, it's not to much to expect close friends and family to text or ask after him, it takes two seconds. See what they do in the coming weeks could just be giving you space and thinking that's the best thing to do

BirthdayBetty · 04/06/2016 16:30

You are not expecting too much. Your family should support you and help as much as is possible. I would if I was your mil Flowers

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/06/2016 16:31

Perhaps then text your family and ask them to distract you from focusing on where you are? I would do that if asked, as much as I don't like texting. Perhaps your family don't text much and therefore think that you wouldn't like to be bothered with texts, calls, etc.

I think if you don't say what you want, you'll be disappointed - and then resentful - and that's destructive in a family.

I hope your little boy is soon on the mend and back home. In the meantime, give people jobs to do if you need something doing, most people are kind and will help if they're only asked to.

bridget666 · 04/06/2016 16:33

expectations are a funny thing..I've had my kids in and out of hospital for weeks over the years...I was always resentful that no one offered tangible help..I was too proud to ask ..in hindsight I think that my family just assumed I was capable and didn't want to offend by implying I couldn't cope on my own..Look after your baby..domestic things tend to look after themselves..or not..but most of it doesn't really matter. :)

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 04/06/2016 16:34

Some people deal with difficult situations differently, OP.

I suspect you are in the needing people around to cope camp and the people you are annoyed with are in the same one as me. Focus on hard facts 'baby is fine, being cared for. Good. carry on as normal until more news comes' to get through it.

I can come across as cold and heartless when people are ill. I focus on practicalities rather than the emotional/supportive side. It doesn't mean I don't care nor am I thinking of those who are ill I just don't express my sadness, stress etc in a typical way.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/06/2016 16:35

I wonder if some people still think that you can't use a mobile in hospital 'because of the heart machines'? I didn't realise that it was ok until I was in myself last year. Kept my phone switched off the whole time (bliss!).

jacks11 · 04/06/2016 16:50

Sorry to hear about your little one- it's horrible when they are ill and it can make you feel pretty helpless. I hope he gets better soon.

In the nicest possible way you are being a little unreasonable. Your friends probably don't want to bombarde you with requests for updates and probably don't think you'd be up for/allowed visitors. If I had a friend, I'd text back to say I was thinking of you and if close by and available (i work shifts) I would probably offer to help. I wouldn't keep texting as I'd think you had enough on your plate without having to reply to non-important messages and that you'd contact me if necessary.

If you want some specific help perhaps ask, rather than sitting there silently seething- the only person who suffers if you do that is you.

With regard to your family/PIL- are they close by? I do understand it would have been nice if they had offered to look after the toddler so your DH could be with you and the baby. I don't think it unreasonable they went to a family party as there is nothing they can do at night. Perhaps your MIL having spoken to your DH feels she is up to date with everything and so has no need to speak to you as well? Again, it's probably about not wanting to bother you when you've got a lot on your plate.

Original poster
Wishfulmakeupping · 04/06/2016 17:22

Monk I hope your little one is ok now. Think your experience is what I'm finding too

OP posts: