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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Expectations too high or unsuppprtive amily and friend? Poorly ds

48 replies

Wishfulmakeupping · 04/06/2016 15:39

Baby ds in hosp with suspected meningo (although at first it was thought to be sepsis) and bronchilitis.
We have toddler at home so Dh is between home and hosp Amd I'm here with bf baby.
MSG a few friends on thurs to said what happened and got some suppprtive responses but one friend read MSG and ignored not heard anything since.
Mil has been told and updated by Dh but I've not heard from her and I think there was a family party that inlaws went to last night which feels off too.
This is identifying I don't care I needed support from family and friends and don't think people have been bothered just how poorly my baby is :(
Dh says I'm expecting too much of people I don't if I am

OP posts:

Katedotness1963 · 04/06/2016 17:23

Sorry your wee one is ill, what a scary time for you!

If you were my friend I'd offer to keep your toddler so your husband could be at the hospital with you. I'm one of those people who thought phones had to be turned off on the wards too, so probably wouldn't message you.

Hope your baby is fully recovered soon and you can all get back home.

TheWindInThePillows · 04/06/2016 17:27

Why would you not message someone in hospital, if their phone was turned off, the message would then be there when they turned it back on?!

I am also experiencing the same OP. I don't think one text saying 'so sorry to hear your little one isn't well, thinking of you' is a big deal, it is very rude not to acknowledge what someone is going through when they have bothered to let you know. It doesn't mean you want constant texts or loads of supports, but to get nothing is a bit gutting.

ll those saying they'd rather offer practical support- great, but how does it get offered if the parents are in hospital? By text I guess...

Maybemable · 04/06/2016 17:42

Really sorry to hear about your DS - sending love and best wishes. I had v poorly DS in intensive care years ago now. I found my family's decision to hold a party when he was recovering from open heart surgery very insensitive. Is there a friend/ family member who is supportive who could rally support on your behalf? Or if not as others suggest quick text to say "thanks for your good wishes, latest update on DS is xxx. We could really do a hand with xyz pls contact DH if you can help us out.
I'd be there like a shot and I'm sure once your friends are clear what you need they will be to.

TheDisillusionedAnarchist · 04/06/2016 17:50

Sorry to hear this. We spent nearly 6 weeks in PICU last year and YANBU, I never realised how much people offering to do the basics (bring food, do laundry) helps when you have a child in hospital. I now know exactly what to do for friends.

Also long hours in hospital are a strange mix of boredom and stress. There is very little to do with a very sick child apart from sit there until the next crisis. So messages and brief visits help.

It's not unreasonable to expect family and close friends anyway to make a minimal effort

witsender · 04/06/2016 18:17

Yanbu. I would expect a little more attention too.

Original poster

Wishfulmakeupping · 04/06/2016 19:46

Maybe my friends have been reading this -2 have text in last hour to see if they could bring anything to ward for me.
Thanks for responses- it's harder as we're in isolation too so I have too much time to think about things!

OP posts:

McNally · 04/06/2016 20:07

Very sorry to hear about your DS. I hope he's doing ok and is getting good care. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I was in a similar situation last year and was astounded by the reaction, or lack of, from some friends and family. Others however were amazing. I can't really explain why people you'd expect to offer support, or at least bother to ask how things were, don't. If I'm feeling charitable I think that they're busy, have their own issues to deal with, don't know what to say or don't want to bother you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to say that I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, but also that you are not alone in having this experience. Lots of people I've spoken to that have had some sort of event like this seem to share the disappointment. It does make you appreciate the good ones all the more.

I hope you are getting a bit of a break every so often. Even if it's just a quick walk outside or a coffee in the canteen. That really helped me cope with the stress which is exacerbated by being stuck in a ward with beeping machines, constant obs and having to report every breastfeed. Take care of yourself, it is not selfish as it'll benefit your DS and your toddler if you can stay strong. How are things?

Original poster

Wishfulmakeupping · 04/06/2016 20:28

Thank you McNally - it's weird that I feel comforted that others have been through it. I've felt guilty that it must be my fault that people aren't bother (or don't appear to be so) About my beautiful boy.
We're in isolation so its been hard but he's been brighter the last few hours and he 'looks' like himself again if that makes sense?
mcnully and others that have felt the same- did things go back to normal or did it make you reassess things? My friend who hasn't even responded I can't see how things could be normal after that iykwim

OP posts:

McNally · 04/06/2016 21:13

Ah, I'm so glad things seem to be looking up a bit. If you think he's looking a bit more like himself then that's a great sign. You will be able to tell best how he is. I hope you are coping ok too. It is not easy.

I definitely reassessed relationships after my experience. I haven't written people off, but I'm not going to go out of my way for them either. For a while I was so preoccupied with my DS and his health that I necessarily made less effort with those that hadn't provided support. Now I just don't care as much about what they think. I feel stronger for having been through it and that's not a bad thing.

Original poster

Wishfulmakeupping · 04/06/2016 21:46

Mil has not been on touch all day again to find out how ds is just asked Dh if she's called or text him and she's not which I don't understand how can you not want an update on how your gc is

OP posts:

RumbleMum · 04/06/2016 22:08

YANBU. DS1 had suspected meningitis (we were lucky and it wasn't in the end, but he was a sick little boy) and it was the single worst experience of my life. I wanted to die, I was so afraid.

DM sat by the phone and was as terrified as I was. I don't think she slept or left the house for three days straight.

Some of my friends didn't really 'get it'. It took me a long time to get past that.

DMil was concerned but not overly so. I think that's her way of dealing with things - she just can't imagine the worst. But she did keep in touch very regularly.

I can't understand why PILs haven't offered to have the toddler?

for you and DH. Have everything crossed for a quick recovery.

MrsBobDylan · 04/06/2016 22:09

Yanbu, no way. Your mil sounds utterly self absorbed and I would stop bothering to update her and make a mental record of this for the next time she needs a bit of help. As your friend I would offer to look after your toddler too as I would realise that you needed some support from dh at the hospital.

Am probably not helping how you feel, but I feel angry on your behalf that you haven't had more help. Sometimes it's so hard to know how to help, but there are really tangible ways your family and friends could.

Hope your baby starts to feel better soon.

Original poster

Wishfulmakeupping · 04/06/2016 22:15

Thanks it's good to have some unbiased opinion on mil as Dh can't see the problem and my dm is super suppprtive and hands on so don't know the 'middle' ground really.

OP posts:

RumbleMum · 04/06/2016 22:39

And also it's not so much about practical support as knowing people give an actual fuck about your child. I'm sure there are reasons for that - the way that people cope with things in their own way, the fact that people aren't as empathetic as they should be, or that they are concerned but just don't think about how much a 'thinking of you' text would mean - but tbh I'm struggling to justify PILs behaviour.

Be gentle with yourself, OP, and I hope you manage to get some rest.

Original poster

Wishfulmakeupping · 04/06/2016 22:45

Nail on the head Rumble that's exactly what I feeling

OP posts:

McNally · 04/06/2016 23:10

I'm so glad your DM is so supportive and helpful. Could it be that because your DM is so involved that MIL doesn't think she's needed? I imagine that MIL does care. Ultimately her lack of obvious support will cost her though as, when your DS is better, you need not feel any obligation towards her. Her wishes don't have to be accommodated if they don't work for you and the DCs. It is quite freeing!

summerdreams · 04/06/2016 23:25

Yadnbu. Mil sounds uncaring having a seriously ill baby is very scary and I think having a big family party whilst the baby of the family is so seriously ill is madness. Ive had 2 years of my ds in and out of hospital (premature and neutropenic) you really do learn who your true friends are in times like this. Hope ds is home soon

BackforGood · 04/06/2016 23:53

To be fair, I wouldn't want to 'bother' someone if they were in hospital with a sick baby. I presume (like many other posters) that's what the reasoning is.
Why not put on Face book (or send a group text), letting everyone know it's fine to use your phone in hospital and you are feeling a bit lonely and down, and would appreciate ?? - visits / messages / texts / someone popping in with a nice coffee for you or maybe just a hug ?
I really feel it's one of those times when you have to ask people for what you want - people think it's a very private time and don't want to intrude unless they are told otherwise.

Jenjen86 · 05/06/2016 00:15

Yanbu, it's times like this that you need the support of friends and family the most. I can imagine that when you are alone at the hospital with your boy you must be absolutely overcome with fear and heartache for him and how poorly he is. It's enough to drive a person crazy and any decent friend would at least think to drop you a text, I mean how long does it take to write a text saying they are thinking of you? The fact that you text them to tell them the situation shows you are contactable.
I hope that your little boy gets better very soon and that you get the support that you need. Times like these really do help you understand who your true friends are

Original poster

Wishfulmakeupping · 05/06/2016 08:49

Thank you had more MSGs from different friends this morn so actually bar the one who has completely ignored my MSG the rest have started to rally round now. Mil still not been in touch I don't want to upset Dh anymore I think he knows deep down its pretty poor behaviour so I will let her actions (or lack of) speak for themselves. Main thing is my baby boy is smiling away this morn and his results are looking good- this is the first day I've not felt physically sick with fear.

OP posts:

Lymmmummy · 05/06/2016 13:49

Agree if you want specific help perhaps just ask people often think someone else is providing the help

If it's more of a I don't really desperately need the help but am annoyed they didn't offer then I do have some sympathy - if you are the type that would offer help but find those close to you are not prepared to do the same it's very disappointing

I have been through a aimiliar situation - I am not close to my family for several reasons going back several years - but DH family in the early days liked to present themselves as holier than though Christian close family people - I went to enormous effort to visit them in the first few years despite it being a hassle and to be honest not very enjoyable thinking it was the decent thing to do - and that my kindness would be reciprocated - then as soon as we had DC they are and have always been absolutely no f*cking help whatsoever with DC - and very hard faced about the fact they won't help whilst being very demanding/self pitying whenever they have a problem or something they want you to do for them. . I have to say I was very shocked at first as thought the impression they gave was that they would be very helpful and supportive etc. you just learn to live with these things sad as they are - but obviously when ILs wanted something I was no longer prepared to go to very much effort for them etc

Really hope with you it's just a case of people not understanding that you may need their individual help

RumbleMum · 05/06/2016 15:25

So glad things are looking up OP - fingers firmly crossed for a quick recovery and that you'll be home in not too long. Babies bounce back quickly - us, not so much!

Blu · 05/06/2016 15:38

Wishful, SO pleased your baby is perking up, what a relief.
Being in hospital with a child is a lonely, stressful and exhausting business. I don't think people who have not been through it realise.

It has been poor show, from your MIL esp.
Is she the kind of person who needs a direct request? To look after your toddler so that your DH can come in?

People did lovely things for me when I have been in with DS: brought plates of delicious fresh food, helped with practicalities, bought and brought entertainment for DS, asked what would help.

I tend not to text people all the time if I know they are under pressure, and I didn't always want to be replying to messages when I was dealing with DS, talking to nurses etc.

But everyone is different, and some people need to be directed into how to support. Txt and tell them!
Good luck for your baby's ongoing improvement.

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