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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to send my son to my mums?

41 replies

Sunshinerainbows123 · 03/06/2016 19:58

My ds aged 4 is constantly violent towards me and rude and generally very badly behaved I have tried so many things to make the situation better. Some things work for a while but then he goes back to biting, head butting, punching me. He is an angel at school and most people think I make it up apart from the odd couple like my in laws who have seen him do it. Today he completely lost it because I told him it wasn't acceptable to call me an idiot. He head butted me so hard I had a nose bleed and then told me he wanted me to die. My ds2 who is only a baby was terrified. I never ask anyone for help but I just was so hurt and angry with him I needed space away from me. I called my mum who I would never normally call and she could tell how frantic I was and said she was on her way. My husband went mad at me when I told him and said I can't just send him away and he'd been looking forward to seeing him all day as he's not seen him the last couple of days. I think he's being unreasonable as I think I did the right thing to calm an awful situation. He's staying over night with my mum and brother to give me a break. Dh is now not talking to me

OP posts:

Junosmum · 03/06/2016 20:00

You did the right thing.

Is your son violent to anyone else?

SaltyMyDear · 03/06/2016 20:01

Is he learning his controlling behaviour from his dad? Sounds like his dad was awful to you - and your sons picking up this is an acceptable way to treat you.

I think you did the sensible thing sending him to your mums for the day. Giving both of you a break.

NapQueen · 03/06/2016 20:01

If he was that supportive he could always gone and got DS and sent you for a break - your mum's a hotel or a friends house.

How supportive is dh generally?

Nabootique · 03/06/2016 20:02

Yanbu, at all. You poor thing. Is your son like this with your husband? I can't understand how he can be so unsympathetic

Leeds2 · 03/06/2016 20:04

How does DS behave towards his dad?

I think you did the right thing in getting your mum to help. I think I would have done the same. And I would perhaps leave your DH to look after your son for the rest of the weekend once he is home.

VimFuego101 · 03/06/2016 20:05

I think you did the right thing. If your DH hasn't seen him in a couple of days, it doesn't sound like he's around to help much. What does he do to support/help you with your son's behaviour? I'm guessing not a lot

Buggers · 03/06/2016 20:05

Why is he headbutting you?! Put him in his room and don't let him out until he understands that's terrible behaviour and says sorry. He behaves at school so his capable of doing as his told. I don't think sending him to your mum's is doing him any good. What if he does it to her? Sorry I'm coming across as harsh but his a 4yr old, don't let it be an acceptable thing to do.

CodyKing · 03/06/2016 20:06

Yes DS with DH and you at your moms - sod him - let him deal with the crap for a bit!!

There are ways of learning to hold children without anyone getting hurt - team teach - can you ask school to accesses it? Or see if one is run in your area?

Also hugging helps - I know you won't feel like it!!!

LIZS · 03/06/2016 20:07

Has he ever been assessed? Some children find the school routine reassuring if stressful then vent at home. Behaviour is then often worse at weekends and in school holidays when life is less structured. Has he always been like this? Might be worth keeping a diary for a week or two - food, sleep, activities, behaviour- then visit gp, although it would be better if dh was also on board as inconsistency won't help.

Buggers · 03/06/2016 20:08

I'm really not trying to be harsh but I'd hate for you to end up like one of the mums on tv where their child lashes out at them on a daily basis. Does your ds know what would happen if he did that as an adult? I'd sit down and have a chat when your both calm and explain how some people go away(prison) when they are violent to others, how it makes you feel very sad and scares his baby brother. Your dh hasn't been violent has he?

EveryoneElsie · 03/06/2016 20:08

YANBU.
Why is your DH ignoring you? I think thats the root of the problem, this behaviour does not appear out of thin air.
Get help, phone Womens Aid and ask about counsellors in your area. Your son needs an intervention and help.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 03/06/2016 20:11

I'd send your DH to his Mothers until his behaviour improved too. Wanker.

If this is his role model, it's unsurprising your DS is the way he is.

TealLove · 03/06/2016 20:15

Could your son be mirroring behaviour of your DH?

OneEpisode · 03/06/2016 20:16

Sorry you are having such a very bad time.
We asked our gp for help, and got a CAMHS referral (nothing has happened).
We asked the school for help and they are doing an Early help Assessment "Team Around the Family". This has helped. They have pointed us towards courses for instance. In our case it could be autism so we are attending courses for instance "managing challenging behaviour" run by an autism charity.

For is it is "we" though. Both parents.

Original poster

Sunshinerainbows123 · 03/06/2016 20:29

Buggers- if I left him in his room he would purposely hurt himself as I have tried this before to calm him down so I can't safely do that.
Husband never violent or anything like that but I do think son has learnt words like idiot and shut up from him.
He has always been hard work from when I can remember they found him difficult at nursery but then he got on a lot better when he went up to pre school and the teacher keeps saying how kind, gentle, well mannered he is which I just think how can he be so different. He's extremely intelligent so it's almost like he plays a role at school and then can be awful at home. He lashes out at me on a daily basis. I have asked so many people for help as u have thought for a very long time something isn't right as nothing I do has changed I've enrolled myself on courses read lots of books. Husband works away a lot so around working as a teacher I take on the vast vast majority of the childcare and genuinely don't think he realises how bad our son can be towards me. He will just say it's his quirks, you can't change his personality, it's because he's frustrated because he's really smart. I called my mum and she said he's absolutely fine being well behaved and has said he knows he's done wrong and needs to apologise.
I've been to the gp and health vision for help more than once but they just say as it doesn't happen at pre school and now school there isn't any help available as thet said they need to see it in more than one place. I'm really tired of it all.

OP posts:

DonkeyOaty · 03/06/2016 20:35

Please consider filming an outburst to show the HV and preschool

Pico2 · 03/06/2016 20:39

Is there someone at school who you can ask for help from? Our school has a family support worker who would (I think) be very supportive, even if the problem wasn't a school one.

OneEpisode · 03/06/2016 20:40

The diary suggestion from PP is a good one.
It's supposed to be that ds knows he has your unconditional love.
He bottles it up & he releases the pressure when with you.
YANBU to want a break from this.

HappyNevertheless · 03/06/2016 20:43

YY to filming.
I would also ask your DH how bad does your ds need to hurt you before he considered that to be an issue? Surely he must have noticed your nose?
I'm at the idea that his wants to see his ds should be going over your need for safety.....

As for the 'happening to more than one place', it's a lot of rubbish.
Dc2 was having meltdowns etc... From AS but only at home. At school, he was always seen as gentle and quiet... Because at school, he is keeping everything under very tight control until he comes back home and explodes.

HappyNevertheless · 03/06/2016 20:43

How often is your DH on his own with your ds and how is your ds acting around him?

CodyKing · 03/06/2016 20:46

I knew you were doing to say he was intelligent!

If he was failing at school they would throw help at you - same issues in a clever child and they don't want to know -

DD is the same and my only hope is she'll grow out of it - I'm still waiting!

Changing schools helped massively - she has made true friends rather than kids she's at school with - no issue with the kids - just not her sort

Try the love bombing - it really does work - it's like you could give them all day and it's still not enough - always clingy but horrid when you cook tea or pay another child attention -

He's now getting lovely one to one with grandma - so he's fine - no doubt fluttering his lashes and being lovely !!!

BlueCheeseandcrackers · 03/06/2016 20:48

When this behaviour start? Did it start with the arrival of a younger sibling? Does he do this to get attention? Although you've sent him to your mums he now has undivided 1:1 time with her and all the attention he wants. A family support worker would need to assess parenting at home and work with school to get the full picture before an assessment was considered for anything underlying.

CodyKing · 03/06/2016 20:49

DD was a horror from 6 months - if put money on it not being a parenting issue!

CaterpillarArmy · 03/06/2016 20:53

Sounds very like my son (who is ASD), had a very similar day a couple of weeks ago including headbutting and nosebleed. Hope you're ok.

Original poster

Sunshinerainbows123 · 03/06/2016 20:57

I will try the diary. I haven't tried that maybe I will be able to spot some triggers to the meltdowns and violent behaviour.
Cody- you definitely have got it spot on. He also has been a nightmare from an extremely young age! He is better when I cuddle him- I just couldn't today i just had lost patience with it all. I feel better having some space I will be better able to deal with everything tomorrow. Dh very very rarely spends time on his own with him that's why he's annoyed but I said he should have left work early for once to come and get him today if it was that important. Hopefully things will get better I keep saying he'll grow out of it every year.

OP posts:

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