Aibu to send my son to my mums?

[Sunshinerainbows123]

My ds aged 4 is constantly violent towards me and rude and generally very badly behaved I have tried so many things to make the situation better. Some things work for a while but then he goes back to biting, head butting, punching me. He is an angel at school and most people think I make it up apart from the odd couple like my in laws who have seen him do it. Today he completely lost it because I told him it wasn't acceptable to call me an idiot. He head butted me so hard I had a nose bleed and then told me he wanted me to die. My ds2 who is only a baby was terrified. I never ask anyone for help but I just was so hurt and angry with him I needed space away from me. I called my mum who I would never normally call and she could tell how frantic I was and said she was on her way. My husband went mad at me when I told him and said I can't just send him away and he'd been looking forward to seeing him all day as he's not seen him the last couple of days. I think he's being unreasonable as I think I did the right thing to calm an awful situation. He's staying over night with my mum and brother to give me a break. Dh is now not talking to me

Your dh is completely out of line.
However I do think you need to seek some professional help for your son-
Health visitor may be best port of call.

Who is your DH talking to when your son hears him say words like "shut up" or "idiot"?

My DS often gets very angry and frustrated and tries to take it out on me. He's 5, also very bright and was perfectly behaved at preschool this year (we're not in the UK so he hasn't started "proper school" yet). You really have my sympathy OP

Your post could have been written by me...in fact at one point I thought it was one of my old posts!! My DS has also head butted me so hard he made my nosebleed and I sued to regularly have to lock myself in my room to get away from him. Left a holiday early after he kicked and hit me so much I locked myself in car and he carried on kicking and thumping the car.

My DS now 6 was like this and thankfully he has calmed down. A few things that really helped were having a reward chart for home that was taken into school for the teacher to see. DS got stickers for being nice and not aggressive with so many meaning he could have a treat. It worked okay, not totally brilliant but it did help a bit. Doing exercise i.e. walk/park/scooter straight after school after a snack.

Having a day where DS got to choose what he wanted to do with bad behaviour ignored, lots and lots of praise.

Rephrasing how I said things, looking out for the triggers and trying to find another way of doing something. The AHA parenting site has some good tips amongst all the softy softy stuff that just doesn't work with such an aggressive child.

When a tantrum was coming on saying 'its time to calm down shall we get a teddy each and cuddle it on sofa/floor' sounds naff but help sometimes but you have to catch it right before its massively escalated. Then asking him if he thought his behaviour was okay towards me and how would he feel if someone behaved like that towards him.

He still has a temper but so do I and I am very shouty (loud) due to high stress levels which he clearly feeds off. I'm trying to relax a bit more and have been listening to hypnosis apps that help with that.

My DS is also intelligent and good at school. I did get help from them and it helped to have the teacher and the head teacher on board with any rewards stuff. They will have a behaviour person (can't think what they are called) and if you ask to speak to them they should be able to help you.

Its still a struggle and somedays I find it very, very hard and especially hard to find anything to give positive praise for but I do find the more praise I give the less the aggressive behaviour.

It gets better but I've been where you have been and its so fucking hard and I spent so much time in tears and wanting to give my son up. they have massive testosterone surges at this age which don't help either.

Big hugs x

forgive all the typos and grammar in my post I finished a night shift at 08:00 and have been awake all day with DS.

If I got home at the end of the day and my 4 year old had been sent away I wouldn't be happy especially if I hadn't been told about it in advance.

Who ever you have seen OP is an idiot!!

I worked with children for years,we have 5DC and 2 of our DC are autistic.
Alot of children that are autistic are really good at playing a part,there are thousands of parents all around the world that get the same.

The thing is the child has alot of pressure on them whilst in a school setting they have lots of expectations put upon them,all children do,they'll have other children and adults watching them all day long and the difference is You and Home is a safe place and your his safe person,school and the adults there are more unknown your son doesn't have the same bond as he has with you obviously(it's the same for all children)he doesn't feel about them the way he does about you and he knows they don't feel about him like you do.

So it's a bit like a pressure cooker,he's holding onto all of that all inside all day long whilst he's at school and then when he gets home it's like the lid has been lifted and all the hurts and anger and confussion he's been feeling all day long explodes and most probably always in your direction.

Your husband needs to wind his neck in and step up,he is not helping your son by reacting this way if anything he'll be setting him up for alot of failures and upset when he's older OP and there is no way your husband should be telling you to shut up or calling you names!

Like other posters have said if your struggling to get any help right a diary and film him if you can,set up a camera somewhere he won't notice straight away or it could make his flare ups even worse.

Have you spoken to anyone apart from the GP and School?If not ask to speak to your HV ask about having a specialist HV we have one,we got one before our youngest DD8 was diagnosed.
Try some of the charitys as well OP the NAS is really good
www.autism.org.uk/get-involved/tmi/map.aspx?gclid=CKu79dzbjM0CFe4y0wod77wAmg

Look online and try any that are in your area and any of the national one's,ask for help.I know it's hard but it is out there I promise you,but as usual with situations like this you have to look for it.

whattodowiththepoo but surely you'd be concerned that they'd been so violent towards you partner?? OP's DH doesn't seem to be...

OP, my sympathies. I have similar problems and they are impervious to conventional parenting strategies. Take your break but then you and your dh need to get proper help with this. Best of luck.

I'm not sure I would believe that a 4 year old was so violent, badly behaved and rude to 1 person and no one else.
If that 1 person then sent our 4 year old away I would be sceptical.

If I got home at the end of the day and my 4 year old had been sent away I wouldn't be happy especially if I hadn't been told about it in advance.

Nobody is stopping DH from going to his MIL house to visit - he should en concern it has got to that point and offer to help his wife - I'd send DH to MIL - with a packed bag!

Whattodowiththepoo
My husband has seen him have meltdowns before. I have not sent him away to some awful place he's with his nan. You're trying to make out like I've made it up.
I would do anything for this not to happen I love my son very much and hate it when he behaves in such a way and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Why would you not believe your other half?
I have now spoken to my husband he said he was disappointed as he was looking forward to seeing him as he works so much. I'm still a bit annoyed that I don't feel he is backing me up but I can understand more where he is coming from.

OP - I believe you - it happens.

I have 3 kids - two very laid back, funny witty and intelligent - and this one - lacks a sense of humour very serious string sense of right and wrong hard done by - no such thing as too much attention - read fluently - self taught at 3 - high level 7 at maths in year 6 high level 6 in literacy -

At school she is kept fully occupied - every minute - she has the full attention of one friend or another -

Home time was a nightmare because suddenly she had to share me and my attention while I asked the other kids about this day - if I so much as stepped a foot in another DC room she's kick off - the temper is amazing! The jealousy all consuming - she throws things - breaks stuff - hits and kicks - usually aimed at me - even if it's her siblings causing her meltdown - her dad told her NO and she hit me!

She finds it very hard to entertain herself with anything - always seeking company - thank god loom bands happened!!

It's not parenting - it's not neglect -

It may well be a form of autism- but I won't have her seemed by CAHMS because I truly believe she will grow out of it and be a good person in the future - and I don't want a diagnosis or treatment to change her outlook.

I think you did the right thing OP.

You weren't in a position to deal with and time away will help him calm down too.

I'm old school, so I'm not going to suggest there's anything more wrong with your little boy other than he's trying to gain control. He plainly knows how to push your button and the bigger he gets the harder this will be to stop.

I would suggest the moment he starts to get loud or spiteful, you walk away. Ignore that behaviour totally. Step in if he looks like he's going to hurt himself but otherwise don't reward him for bad behaviour. You have to stay calm, no shouting :-) , and show him that doing that kind of thing will not get him what he wants.

I think the key is to be consistent, don't let him wear you down so you end up showing to him the behaviour you want to stop. Get your mum to do the same and DH.

At the end of the day he's a little boy, smart or not, who is frustrated he's not getting his own way. Show him a different method for communicating.

Good luck!

I'm not sure I would believe that a 4 year old was so violent, badly behaved and rude to 1 person and no one else. My 6yo dd reserves her worst excesses for me, and me only. This is because she has disordered attachment, and I am her primary parent. She behaves beautifully at school, and ok for my dp, but she has a particular dynamic with me - testing me to the absolute limit, till I explode and she achieves the emotional catharsis that she craves.

I'm not saying this is what's going on for dp's son, just illustrating that it is perfectly possible to have a child be violent to one parent only. I appreciate it may be difficult to imagine this if you're not in the situation - and highly tempting to judge that parent.

OP this was my son four years ago. I'm a single parent and there were days when I did phone my mum and said please come now before I dangerously lose it. Turns out he had Aspergers that he masked at school and with everyone else. It's absolutely typical that a child can be as difficult and violent as this at home but manage at school. Ignore the doubters. It's often likened to a shaken coke bottle effect. The home main caregiver usually gets all the stressed meltdowns because they have worked so hard masking it with others and the entire school day.

Sent you a message xx

I've been there. Children can follow school routine, copy other children and let all the anxiety build up and then at home release it to mum because mum is safe xx