To Ban this lady from my page?

[UnderaRock]

My daughter passed in 2007. I have had people write her name in the sand all over the world and gotten a ton of responses. I have a memorial page on facebook. Last year in November a lady messaged me and asked if I would write her daughter's name in the sand (her daughter had died too) I told her as nicely as I could that I didn't live near the ocean so I couldn't do that and I was sorry for her loss and gave her some links to memorial pages that do that. Then in March of this year out of nowhere I got a message from her saying I should write her daughter's name and light a candle not even asking but a demand. We were moving at the time and I offered to draw her daughter a photo and take a photo of her name near our town's landmark. She came back with a really curt no thank you.

We are going to the ocean on the 18th. For the first time since my daughter died and her ashes were scattered at sea. This is a huge thing for me and I'm really excited and was posting on the memorial page how our hotel is a block away from a bar and grill with my daughter's name and I would have to get photos.

Not even two hours later I get a message from this same lady demanding I write her daughter's name in the sand.

I've been trying to be nice because she's grieving and I think there's some language barrier here. But now I'm starting to feel kind of upset about it and feel like she's being rude. Am I a terrible person to ban and block her now? I've given her links to the people she can request and or pay for gorgeous photos of her daughter's name in the sand but at this point she's being kind of rude to me

notonyurjelly and happy I gave her links to people who did do names on the sand. She can get it done very easily by messaging them. I gave her like 4-5 links of people who also lost children who did it. So she has got the means to request one from people who do it.

A further note - people can also be right arses on AIBU on a Friday night wink Ignore them too

Who's being an arse?

Two people have suggested the OP helps another mother out and Ive even gone as far as saying I'll write the girls name in the sand on the beach outside my front door.

Where is the problem with that?

MrsDeVere thank you. I really need to just walk away from this as it's making me sick. Thank you for the sweet words right back (I hope I did the flowers right.)

Block her now. This minute. Sorry about your daughter xxx

MrsDeVere has said exactly what I wanted to say. Just because this woman is also grieving does not mean you owe her anything. You have tried to help as far as you are able. You can't do anything more and it's not fair of her to keep asking. You are not doing anything wrong in wanting to focus on your own family - don't doubt yourself in this.

OP, you've already given this person the information she needs. Don't give her another thought. Really, you sound a lovely kind person, but that doesn't need to extend to strangers on FB, who you now feel are being a bit rude to you

Don't let this intrude on your trip. YANBU.

The people I gave her links to also are professional photographers and could get a lot better photos than I could from my phone too. I even gave her a link to my friend who puts flowers with names on them into the ocean and takes beautiful photos

Very sorry for your loss.

Do you think you could find it in you to do this for her, given that you'll soon be at the sea, in return for all the kindness others have shown in doing it for you?

So she has got the means to request one from people who do it

OP, she obviously feels some connection with you which is why she'd like you to do it. She's like you. A mother with a broken heart. But if you can't do this for her because of your circumstances, or ask some random strangers on the beach to do it, then just don't do it and find a nice way to end your online connection with her.

*not the OP doesn't want to do it.
It is putting her under pressure.
It is causing her stress.

I cannot for the life of me think why people think its a good idea to tell her to do it*

The OP has had people write her daughters name in the sand all over the world but its obviously not something she wants to do for someone else even with the help of strangers on the beach.

I really don't understand it but Im willing to accept that you know better and leave it alone now.

Block her and don't feel guilty about it.

Dealing with your own grief does NOT mean you have to act a conduit for every bereaved person in the world who makes demands on you.

Sorry for your loss.

This trip is for you and your daughter. Regardless of anyone else's grief or personal circumstances, this trip is for you. No, you don't want to stress over writing someone else's daughter's name, getting a photo, wondering if the "a" is wonky, redoing it, taking another picture, cursing the person who walked into shot, taking another picture .... etc.

You want to go, quietly think of your daughter, focus and concentrate on your family, write her name, take pictures and cope with your own grief. I cannot understand why anyone thinks you should contemplate accommodating this woman in the midst of that!

Block her and don't give it another thought, you've already sent her links to people who can help.

As an aside, I live very close to an often deserted beach and would be honoured to send you a picture of your daughter's name. PM me details if you would like to. Also happy to send this woman a pic of her own daughter's name in the sand +/- candle - but completely understand if you'd rather not pass on a 3rd party's details to an Internet stranger.

Not no....I don't like to talk to strangers PERIOD. I'm not going to ask a random person to draw anyone's name in the sand. Not even my own daughter's name. No way. The very thought about it gives me anxiety attacks.

Also I don't need to worry about it. I got this PM from someone else on fb who has had issues with this lady.

'If u mean a lady named Carmelita don't do it. I did 1 for her a few months ago at Gabriel's BEach and she got mad at me and ranted for days because I didn't do it right & how she wanted it. I had 2 block her.'

Also no.....just because someone has done something kind for me does not mean I owe the entirety of the universe always no matter what. I've done so much for the loss community in 9 years. It doesn't make me a bad person or ungrateful to say NO for one time in my life. I'm allowed to take time for me for once in my life.

So sorry for your loss Underea

My beach :)

notonyurjellybellynelly
OP, this really doesn't have to be an insurmountable problem unless you just don't want to do it full stop and if thats the case then just tell the mum and wish her well.

This woman has messaged Op more than once and had it explained to her on each occaision that this isnt a service the op does, and she has kindly gave her links to people that do do this for free or for pay. There is nothing else the op needs to do.

Have you read that the OP is paralysed and may not even get to do this for her own daughter never mind find another empty spot on the beach to do it for someone else who has done nothing but demand and be rude to her?

OP dont give it another thought, block her and forget about her, let her pester someone else or sort it out with the links you gave her, its not rocket science. Even if there is a language barrier she manages to write to you demanding things, I am sure she understands "No I dont do this".

So sorry for you loss, it must be so hard, you need to concentrate on you and yours not some rude stranger at this time.

HicDraconis wow!! That is a gorgeous beach I love it. Is that your little doggy?

Thank you Willow I just don't like what feels like people trying to guilt me into something. I am so appreciative of the people who have helped me and I've given back in so many ways. I make ornaments for free, donate bereavement items to NICU and OB wards. I already had guilt. I just don't like people acting like I should be guilty because I want to focus on my angel and my beach trip. I don't just take take and not give back. I don't :(

There's some fucking awful replys on here.OP block her,you don't know this women and sadly some people lie,she could be a troll for all anyone knows!!

I'm so sorry about your DD,it sounds like you have enough to contend with as it is,I'm disabled myself,I know just how difficult it is to do things that others take for granted

Under yup, that's my dog. We're in NZ so on a good day there are mountains and snow in the background.

Honestly, block this woman and don't waste any more head space on her.

Ohtheholidays it's hard. I am sorry you are dealing with it too. Being disabled sucks. I have so much guilt over what I can't do with my kids sometimes but I try to ignore it and do whatever I can do! for you sweetie.

HicDraconis I love NZ. My daughter's middle name was Paikea and her ashes were spread off of Waiheke Island, NZ so she's probably watching over you and your doggy :)

Well that Pm is a definite reason not to do it, sounds like the person in question is demanding, rude and doesnt apprectiate she hasnt the right to demand people to do things in their own time and then complain about it!

You dont owe her anything she sounds like a horror and obviously trying it on with as many people as she can.

Still cant believe people are actually expecting you to do this after the way the person spoke to you after you helped them with links. Why cant they just use those?

You have explained how hard it will be to do this just for you...some people just cant seem to realise what it will entail to get a bare bit of sand, write the name and take a few photos without people, dogs etc wandering in and out the shot for your daughters name never mind going on the sand in a wheelchair!