Why won't his ex-girlfriend go away?

[Danyt]

I have no one to talk to about this as it's humiliating, confusing, sounds trivial to some and to be honest, I'm rather lacking in the friend department of late.

I've moved hundreds of miles to live with my boyfriend. I left my high powered career, left my best friend, family...I've made the biggest life changes and it felt right. Everything was great for a year here and I thought that everything was fitting in to place.

I had known he had an ex who lived here too and knew his friendship group. I didn't worry as she didn't seem to be on the scene as she had a new boyfriend and from what his friends always told me, they (her and my partner) ended on bad terms - screaming at each other in public and ruining everyone's night constantly. I got to know his friends well, especially the girlfriends of his boy pals. I was happy to have met new friends. My boyfriend told me his ex was awful and cheated on him. I didn't think there was anything to worry about. Our relationship has been superb.

A few months ago, she split up with her boyfriend and has now totally got back in with the friendship group. The girls no longer speak to me and I am not invited to parties - as she is there with all my boyfriends friends and the girls who I thought were my friends. It's odd as they all hang around in couples and she's the single one there - it's like she's sitting waiting. Me and my boyfriend stay at home but I never get left out of the snapchat story they post, so I can see what fun they're having. She even turned up at a (my boyfriend's) party where I was there and she was totally not invited, only to proceed to snog her girl mate in front of my boyfriend. She's been trying to go to my boyfriends parents house too, to catch up with his family. It's absolutely breaking my heart and I don't know what to do. It doesn't help that a close girl pal of my boyfriend is her best mate and everything we see her she talks nonstop of his ex. This habit has increased massively since she's come back on the scene.

I'm worried that my boyfriend is going to resent the fact that we now have to stay in at weekends to avoid her. He can't hang around with his mates as she's there. If he goes out its on his own - I just sit in the house alone. It's causing deep problems and he is fed up of me speaking about it. She's even started hanging around with new friends I've made here that she didn't hang around with before, I have no one to turn to and no one to speak to. I can't talk to my family as I made the decision to move here. My best friend from where I used to live thinks it's trivial, which it is. It seems like it's only so long before my boyfriend just goes and joins the wonderful party that they're all having together - like old times.

I'm also pregnant. So the isolation and loneliness is really starting to kick in as no one knows yet. I just don't know what to do as I have never felt so out of control and helpless.

I've also moved jobs again here due to being bullied at work/not agreeing with the dictatorship that ruled (I worked at my last job for 6 years so to move twice in ten months is devastating.) I feel like everything is slipping through my fingers and sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed. What's the point?

I was hoping they saw me as more than that seeing as we've been together for two years, have lived together for one and even these girls have said how different and compatible our relationship is compared to the mess that was before. I don't know. It's just a pain in the bum that I wish would sort itself out - and hopefully will once our baby is here :) we're very similar and very strong me and my bf. I just want him to be happy.

Why do you only have to be part of a group?

Can you not go to the cinema and gigs and meals and all sorts of other things, as a couple?

Yes as mentioned in previous posts.

Ok I was about to come and say 'ah the band scene' knowing how incestuous it all is but then I read some more of your background facts that made me wonder wtf?

You were with your ex 12 years (am I right?) which means either you started going out when you were extremely young or you are considerably older than these 23yo old girls. When there's any kind of age gap, the novelty of having a "grown up" mate inevitably wears off and crowds always like the newcomer for a while - a returning friend will always win hands down tho. They made an initial effort but for whatever reason realised they preferred the ex. Seriously if this bothers you, you have to ask why. All this crap about the bf and his mates doesn't sit right but people are strange so I let that go. Then you say one of the girls wanted to start a fight with you - why on earth would someone do that without provocation? I've met some absolutely bonkers people in my time but none started fights for no reason, especially when they had been previously friendly. There's something not being said here that sounds quite pivotal to the story. What important tidbit are you missing here?

I can't think of anything. Yes I sent out with my ex from the age of 17 and I am 9 years older than the youngest of them. You probably think I'm just saying this, but I'm often mistaken for their age or younger than them though so this 'grown up' thing isn't an issue here - but you might not get that if you don't know me. The fight started as we had been drinking (obviously before I found out I was pregnant) and she was just being really rude to the point it got so heated I had to leave the place and get a taxi home, perhaps actually fisty cuffs weren't going to happen but it wasn't very pleasant.

What's weird is my partner says these girls didn't even get on when they were actually going out. They weren't the best of chums - so why is it imperative they are now?

Fed up of thinking about it but I must admit it has been quite liberating actually discussing it on here a bit - so thanks.

Whatever will be, will be.

Looking 23 and being 23 are very different things OP.

Ok this heated argument that nearly ended up in a fight probably plays more of a role in how these women are acting towards you than you're giving it credit for. If you argue with someone to the point of having to leave before ending up scrapping, there's a good chance they're not going to want to be your mate anymore. Unless the fight was about his ex then she'd have bugger all to do with the situation with the others and the timing of her return was just coincidence.

Agree with others, i don't really see what this girl has done wrong.
These were her friends originally.
Just because she has reunited with them and drunkenly kissed one doesn't have to have anything to do with you!
Some people do amazingly stay friends with their ex and friends.
I'm good friends with an ex.
Mydh and i see his ex in a group quite often.
Nothing you have mentioned has indicated that she wants your partner.
Maybe you just didn't get on with them as well as you thought? ( given thatone ofthwm was trying to start a fight with you).
I'd be more interested in why my dp was stopping me talking to his ex..

Just want to say again, my partner is not friends with his ex. She cheated on him. He doesn't want me to talk to her and be friends with her - he really doesn't like her. Don't get why people keep saying it's okay if they're friends. Odd.

The fight - not really as it was about the crap that had been happening before. I don't think you understand.

I think your DP has moved on. He seems much less bothered about the whole thing than you.

I'm kinda wondering whether you are more keen on big group socialising than he actually is. Some people keep it up all their lives; other people tolerate it until they "find the one" and "settle down". Hence him happy to let the whole thing go.

If you are used to socialising in groups I can imagine it's quite unnerving to find your social circle suddenly contract. IME it isn't unusual in group dynamics to not notice what the group does to outsiders until you find yourself in the position of being the outsider. Hence you saying it never would have happened in your home town friendship group, it would (maybe not as deliberately) you just probably wouldn't have noticed being totally on the inside.

Usually you'd say you have a DP problem but he seems to be entirely on your side. I think you have to let these people go. It's really sad to let friendships go when you have put effort into making things work. Ime sometimes I find I'm part of different large groups sometimes I'm quite a solitary individual. I find it's all about stages of life and personal goals. Sometimes you find you want the same things as others or find yourself in each others company a lot, sometimes you want very different things and the group moves on without you or you move on without the group (sometimes your not sure which). Maybe the group is still after going out lots and your DP isn't... The group and you DP are moving in different directions.

The only real problem I see is whether you are a "big group" person and your DP isn't. You may need to have a think how you make that dynamic work for you. I've no doubt it can but may take a bit of thought. But if your DP isn't keen on hanging on to this particular group I really don't see how you can.

As its his original big friendship group, I'm not overly fussed on spending time with them. But I knew my DP was and he even introduced me to them on our date - he was happy when I got on with them all as I know he likes spending time with them. I am not really used to hanging about in groups. My friendship circle is quite small back where I'm from. Now I'm just conscious that he will miss the weekends we spent in this group and the couples things we would do...

*first date

Then it is a DP problem. He needs to talk to them. But from his comments he really isn't as bothered by the weekends as you think he is....

Well it's BBQ day today and only he has been invited to the gatherings. Feel so bad he's saying he doesn't want to go anyway as I think he does. Nice to have drinks in the sunshine and I can't participate so...I feel like maybe driving to the seaside on my own for the day. I'm seeing my future unfold here and its not nice.

He really needs to tell them why he isn't going
He needs to make it plain to all his friendship group that he need invites for both of you as a couple unless it's a stag night kind of thing

Ask him to do that today

Pressed too soon
He really needs to e plain to them that you come as a couple and that they are putting him in an impossible situation and that they need to accommodate him
If they want to maintain Bo friendships then they need to have times when they don't invite her and vice versa and perhaps you two could host events at your house not including her
He needs them to see his and your side of it

How did that invite come about? If they said "we are having a bbq and you can come but danyt can't" then:
That's awful on their part
Did he not get the chance to ask why?
Did he not get the chance to say what he thinks about that?

I'm sure he doesn't want to go. Who'd want to hang around with people like that?! It's not your fault so I'm sure he doesn't blame or resent you.

If it helps, I had a friend who was really difficult about my relationship, to the point she didn't want to see us together (long story, nothing to do with any ex or anything). Her reasoning and behaviour was so petty, pathetic and immature that I walked away from the friendship and have never looked back. Even though she had been a really big part of my life. I never once thought about resenting my OH for it. If anything, I was grateful that there had been a catalyst to make me see how toxic she was and what a waste of my time running around after her had been. I'm sure if this group of girls' behaviour is as petty as you say, your OH will feel exactly the same.

Don't give them the power! Rise above it.

Again, it seems it bothers you more than him.
you think he wants to go, even though he has said he doesn't want to.
You are upset that you can't hang around as a big group, yet he doesn't seem bothered.
If he really wants to go, he needs to say you both come to events.
Then you need to accept his ex maybe there, as she has every right to be.
If he says he doesn't care then maybe he really doesn't care!
Some people stop caring about going out partying and drinking when they get a partner and baby on the way.

It sounds like your DP is naturally moving on from this friendship group anyway - he's the first to move into a longterm relationship and have a baby and most of his mates are with girlfriends who won't last the distance. It's a big friendship group and as he gets older only a couple are going to stay mates.

You are going to be making new mates at work and v soon at mother and baby things anyway.

It's a brilliant sign that your DP doesn't want to go without you and even better if he tells people he isn't going if your not invited.

I suspect as soon as the baby news is out everyone, daft ex included, will get the message loud and clear that you and he are a longterm adult relationship, not a quick early twenties thing.

He says he doesn't want to go but is now very negative. We were going to do something today like go out or have our own BBQ. Now nowhere is good enough to go out and we can't have a BBQ because it will look like he's being funny - his words. So it does have an impact and it is upsetting him.

Plus NONE of my summer clothes fit me! Haha! Not a good day...

Well, having a BBQ can hardly look like he's being funny if he's having it with his girlfriend who wasn't invited to their bbq!

Also, he probably doesn't want to hang around with that group if his ex is there- as you say, he really doesn't like to be around her, due to the fact she cheated on him and treated him badly.

So they've chosen her over him. It happens.

Your bf needs to sort out his so-called mates because they're being arses by deliberately excluding you to please their gfs.

Perhaps he ought to invite his mates round for a BBQ minus their o/h ;)

The exGF isn't the problem here in the traditional sense. She cheated on him and humiliated him & wisely he doesn't want a bar of her. Her behaving like this won't have made her look any more attractive

The problem is you've not slotted into the satellite girlie friendship group you've been parachuted into - or you thought you had but they've proved to be a shallow bunch.

Can you invite some friends of yours from back home to stay or you/your bf travel to see them? There's life beyond where you live you know
Also you hopefully will cement familial relationships, make friends through work which are more likely to be successful through shared interests & off your own bat. And there's other friendships to be made through having a baby. You and your o/h are going to be embracing a different life and new friends.

I think it's unfair to say the friends are shallow.
They were friends with the ex first, for a while.
Just because they've become friends with her again doesn't mKe them shallow.
It doesn't bother me my mate being friends with my ex and his new gf,but i know that she doesn't really like them but tolerates them.
She feels awkward going out when they are there even though i have no problem with it.