Why won't his ex-girlfriend go away?

[Danyt]

I have no one to talk to about this as it's humiliating, confusing, sounds trivial to some and to be honest, I'm rather lacking in the friend department of late.

I've moved hundreds of miles to live with my boyfriend. I left my high powered career, left my best friend, family...I've made the biggest life changes and it felt right. Everything was great for a year here and I thought that everything was fitting in to place.

I had known he had an ex who lived here too and knew his friendship group. I didn't worry as she didn't seem to be on the scene as she had a new boyfriend and from what his friends always told me, they (her and my partner) ended on bad terms - screaming at each other in public and ruining everyone's night constantly. I got to know his friends well, especially the girlfriends of his boy pals. I was happy to have met new friends. My boyfriend told me his ex was awful and cheated on him. I didn't think there was anything to worry about. Our relationship has been superb.

A few months ago, she split up with her boyfriend and has now totally got back in with the friendship group. The girls no longer speak to me and I am not invited to parties - as she is there with all my boyfriends friends and the girls who I thought were my friends. It's odd as they all hang around in couples and she's the single one there - it's like she's sitting waiting. Me and my boyfriend stay at home but I never get left out of the snapchat story they post, so I can see what fun they're having. She even turned up at a (my boyfriend's) party where I was there and she was totally not invited, only to proceed to snog her girl mate in front of my boyfriend. She's been trying to go to my boyfriends parents house too, to catch up with his family. It's absolutely breaking my heart and I don't know what to do. It doesn't help that a close girl pal of my boyfriend is her best mate and everything we see her she talks nonstop of his ex. This habit has increased massively since she's come back on the scene.

I'm worried that my boyfriend is going to resent the fact that we now have to stay in at weekends to avoid her. He can't hang around with his mates as she's there. If he goes out its on his own - I just sit in the house alone. It's causing deep problems and he is fed up of me speaking about it. She's even started hanging around with new friends I've made here that she didn't hang around with before, I have no one to turn to and no one to speak to. I can't talk to my family as I made the decision to move here. My best friend from where I used to live thinks it's trivial, which it is. It seems like it's only so long before my boyfriend just goes and joins the wonderful party that they're all having together - like old times.

I'm also pregnant. So the isolation and loneliness is really starting to kick in as no one knows yet. I just don't know what to do as I have never felt so out of control and helpless.

I've also moved jobs again here due to being bullied at work/not agreeing with the dictatorship that ruled (I worked at my last job for 6 years so to move twice in ten months is devastating.) I feel like everything is slipping through my fingers and sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed. What's the point?

OP, can you explain why you have to stay in if you're not out with the 'friendship group'? Why can't you and your boyfriend go out together without the group? Don't the two of you ever go out together, just the two of you?

Good question Kawliga

It all sounds incredibly immature. Sorry to be harsh.

The friendship circle being all or nothing is ludicrous. Adults have many friends from different circles. And they socialise with their partners. They don't hang out with 'the gang' or nothing.

And what's all this 'girls' rubbish? These are presumably grown women? With jobs and homes and partners and children. Why are they still acting like they're 16?

It sounds like you've made a mistake OP, giving up your 'high powered job' to live in Bumble-fuck.

Sounds shit op and your dp isnt really doing much to help is he?

Congratulations on your pregnancy. It may be your link to new friends. Can you join a nct group or whatever they are called? Once baby is born baby groups are great for meeting people if you perservere and try a good few.

i don't know anything about snapchat [old] but cant you just block them, or come off it so they don't bother you so much? Does your boyfriend have a job that means he cant move away? Even if he works in the city, moving to the other end of it should be far enough away for them to not bother you. I agree with PP, that leaving a good career, home and family to be with a boyfriend in his territory probably wasn't the best idea but it's done now. Looking for jobs somewhere a little further away, so you can both make new friends together might make your relationship more even.

How would he feel if it were the other way round, and he'd moved to be with you, and YOUR ex was doing this whilst he sat at home isolated? I doubt it would be brushed off as 'stupid boys' then.

I agree with this.

It sounds really tough OP. And it's true you'll be feeling extra sensitive and lonely because of the pregnancy - the early days when nobody knows are horrendously lonely IME. And that will be compounded by what happened with your job (which is just bad luck)

Your BF needs to have your back. I think you also need to try and set up your own totally separate network of support and friends outside of his group, and actually, being pregnant is a great way to do that. Your BF also shouldn't be letting his friends treat you this way, and leaving you at home while he goes to the parties with them all. That sounds a bit torturous TBH.

I had similar when I got with my now dh. It was hard, he's still in contact with most of his ex's (he's a tradesman so useful to them) they are all part of the same social group. The new girlfriends come in and join in on the girls nights etc.
I'd moved to a new area pregnant and only knew him. I didn't get invited on the girls nights, I really tried to befriend them but they weren't interested.
As a result dh stopped being invited on group nights out.
We are a few years down the line now so I can clearly look back, we are very different people, they didn't want to be my friend and hindsight shows i wouldn't want to be theirs. It wouldn't have worked.
But here's the thing, although dh is sad (we've never spoken about it) we got cut from the weddings, christenings etc. There's no resentment towards me, he's happy with family Saturday nights at the cinema, bowling, having a lovely dinner at home. We've moved slightly out the area which helps as well. We go away a lot at weekends (with the kids) exploring so fill what would be booze filled nights with great family times. He goes out maybe 2/3 times a year with the boys. That's enough for him as he doesn't enjoy it like he used to.

These people aren't your friends, they won't be your friends. Your entering a different stage in life, embrace it, sack them off. Make new friends through work and new mum friends. It sounds like he's happy and onboard. But he probably could do with telling her to fuck off from his family, that's just odd.

Well done for getting out your old work place sounds like they were really shitty to you

Are these all very young people? It sounds like the playground! I can't believe you gave up your life for someone. Huge no no. You now have no job, no independence, no friends, no support and you sit alone on your 'boyfriend's' sofa, pregnant, while he goes out and parties. This is not the way it is supposed to be.

Your DP seems to rather enjoy this girl fawning over him. Why is he leaving you home alone to go party with his old mates? Surely he should be spending time with you.

Ugh. Sorry, this whole scenario is ringing big alarm bells. What assets do you have? Property? Marketable skills? How will you unravel yourself from this if it all goes wrong?

I don't think the boyfriend is going out without her.

I didn't read it that he was going out leaving her sat at home either. Did I miss read it I do that a lot

I think she said that she was worried it would end up with him going out without her (as he would be missing his friends and fed up of missing out). But I dont think he's done it or has said he wants to do it.... I think OP's misery in the situation has made her think about some worst-case scenarios coming true.

I don't get why PPs have launched into criticising the DP. He stays at home with OP.

My partner has been very supportive. When she wanted to visit his family, his mother rang me to ask but he did tell her that even though there are no grudges it's inappropriate. The party where she snogged her mate, they had photos taken of the event but contacted the photography company to specifically have the mad woman removed - I didn't even know about that until later. These girls are younger than me at 23 and it just hurts as they made out to be my friend for the past year or so - and now I'm just dropped. My boyfriend says they are immature and ridiculous. I can understand why he is fed up of hearing about it as it is pathetic - I hate how I've been included in such bitchiness. My friends from home I have known since being very young and I have never been treated like this.

I moved jobs here too so I am still in a great career position. It was a sidestep professionally but it is better pay and less pressure in my new role.

The house was mine. My boyfriend has moved in with me now so we both do lots of sitting on our own settee - I don't rely on him financially as I am very independent in this way.

There are a few girls here who know what these people are like. I've been talking to them but as they don't know I'm pregnant, I've been avoiding drinking situations - which is every weekend! So I've been isolated because of this. Although we did have a cinema night last weekend.

I'm worried that my partner will eventually resent the fact that I am not friends with the girlfriends of his friends, and that we are no longer invited to the parties where his lad mates are. For the past year and a half, this is how we've spent each weekend. Now I feel like they're just trying to oust me. Not a nice feeling.

I start my new place of work next week. Like other people have said, I might meet new people at classes and things - I do want to start yoga in a couple of weeks. I don't want to go home as my career, home and love of my life are all here now. I just wish she'd find a new boyfriend and go away to where she's been before she reared her annoying head...

How long will it be before you can tell people about the baby? Maybe then they will back off. Especially if when your boyfriend goes out with his mates he talks about you and the baby in a really positive way.

You dont have to be friends with his friends girlfriends. you will move away from them and make new friends at your work and later with new mums. You have moved on, but they havent.

We can tell people in a couple of weeks but my boyfriend goes away with these lads next week and he said he might tell them then if the time is right. We're telling everyone properly as soon as he gets home. He's very supportive of me and the pregnancy, I truly couldn't wish for anything more...that's probably why I'm so worried about things all crashing down around me. Things are the best they've ever been and these hormones are making me feel vulnerable and quite defensive forwards anything that might jeopardise this.

It sounds like his ex is very insecure and is trying to cling back onto her old life even though its not there anymore.

It sounds like your DP is really supportive which is half the battle. I imagine the tides will change when you announce your pregnancy and she realises that she has no chance at all. Just ride the flow and congratulations

You won't be partying anyway now. You'll make friends with other couples with babies, and do things like lunches or early tea then home to put the baby to bed.

Haha Primallass, I'm sure that will be the case most of the time. But with my boyfriend being in a band, I'm sure there might still be some weekends I still bump into this crowd. There isn't really any way of getting away from them. My partner can't move (his weekday) job so that's why I moved mine - as my skills are very transferable. I'm all up for new friends and I think things will be easier when people know. At the minute people think I'm avoiding the pub/gigs because of them - which is only adding strength to their ideas. Can't wait for things to be more settled again and there are some lovely girls here too. It's just unsettling at the minute and I wish they'd pack it in being such inconsiderate bitches. There were some girls in this clique who have expressed an open distaste with me since the moment I arrived on the scene. These did back off for a year but it's awful to have them now revelling in their 'win' now this ex is back in and I'm out of favour. Why are girls such a nightmare! It comes as a massive shock as all my friends are long term, loyal and genuinely care about you. And I was tricked into thinking I had genuinely made some new mates for life - what a joke!

Erm, sorry to play devils advocate here but what exactly has she done wrong?
Reading from her side of the story, she split up with her ex (your bf) and had another relationship. This didn't work out so she's now socialising with the mutual friends again. Is she actively making a play for one of the men or is it your insecurities you're projecting here?
It's odd as they all hang around in couples and she's the single one there - it's like she's sitting waiting. I find this comment to be quite mean really! just because she's single why shouldn't she socialise with couples who she is friends with? It doesn't automatically make her a threat.

That said, if they have suddenly stopped inviting you out they don't sound like real friends anyway (meaning the other girls, not her as you never became friends with her in the first place).

I think that the suggestion of going along to a babes and bumps group is brilliant, you'll make your own friends at the same life stage as you are at. Try the NCT or a sure start centre. Watch your mental health, it's easy to get depressed when pregnant if you don't have a supportive network. Stop focussing on this group of friends and start to build up some positive relationships of your own. Good luck

Thanks for your advice.

I guess my concerns lie in the fact she does things such as attend parties that she's not invited to and does such things as snog girls for attention - when she knew there was cameras! And in front of my partner. Or try and contact his family still - which everyone thinks is odd. Especially as it's about three years since they split up - why now?

I guess I might just be insecure. I have a habit of comparing people's actions against what I would do in a similar situation - and I know for a fact that my intentions would not be innocent if I was acting in such an absurd and weird way.

I also know that my partner would not feel comfortable if my ex was doing the same. It's all very odd.

Honestly you two should move. It doesn't have to be far, it's amazing what a little distance can do. You moved for him, now he should move for you. If he isn't getting invited anyway, what is the difference? It all sounds massively immature. You gave up your whole life for him, he can move for you.

I really feel for you.

Sorry posted too soon. I also think your boyfriend needs to have a talk with his ex and tell her it isn't going to happen and not to contact his parents. I'm hoping I'm wrong but it sounds like he's secretly flattered by the whole thing.

Toweravenseven I hope you're wrong too as that thought makes me feel really sad...

Like Leggy said, I don't really see what this woman has done wrong. She's going out with her friends, enjoying life in her social circle - surely she shouldn't feel obliged to stay in just because her ex has a new girlfriend?

Snogging her mate at the party sounds a bit daft, but why presume it was a plea for attention from your partner? She might just have been pissed and feeling in a silly mood.

As for contacting your partners family, I don't find what very weird here. Maybe because I'm still friends with my ex's parents - they sent me cards when I had my children, etc.

I don't get why her presence bothers you so much, and why her being out means you have to stay in. Can you not just get on with what you ordinarily would? Your insecurity sounds by far the biggest problem here. As pps said, it would be a very good idea to try and make your own friends. Best of luck, OP.

Hmmm about contacting my partners family. She hasn't been in touch for years and I haven't seen her at any other family gatherings, Christmas things or birthdays. They didn't stay in touch and really weren't that close. I was with my ex for 12 years and I wouldn't dream of trying to go and hang around his family's house now, despite the fact I used to know them very well. And I know my partner wouldn't think that was appropriate behaviour at all.

I have other friends. I just don't appreciate the stirring and trouble that's being directed at me/us for no reason at all.