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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why won't his ex-girlfriend go away?

109 replies

Danyt · 03/06/2016 09:21

I have no one to talk to about this as it's humiliating, confusing, sounds trivial to some and to be honest, I'm rather lacking in the friend department of late.

I've moved hundreds of miles to live with my boyfriend. I left my high powered career, left my best friend, family...I've made the biggest life changes and it felt right. Everything was great for a year here and I thought that everything was fitting in to place.

I had known he had an ex who lived here too and knew his friendship group. I didn't worry as she didn't seem to be on the scene as she had a new boyfriend and from what his friends always told me, they (her and my partner) ended on bad terms - screaming at each other in public and ruining everyone's night constantly. I got to know his friends well, especially the girlfriends of his boy pals. I was happy to have met new friends. My boyfriend told me his ex was awful and cheated on him. I didn't think there was anything to worry about. Our relationship has been superb.

A few months ago, she split up with her boyfriend and has now totally got back in with the friendship group. The girls no longer speak to me and I am not invited to parties - as she is there with all my boyfriends friends and the girls who I thought were my friends. It's odd as they all hang around in couples and she's the single one there - it's like she's sitting waiting. Me and my boyfriend stay at home but I never get left out of the snapchat story they post, so I can see what fun they're having. She even turned up at a (my boyfriend's) party where I was there and she was totally not invited, only to proceed to snog her girl mate in front of my boyfriend. She's been trying to go to my boyfriends parents house too, to catch up with his family. It's absolutely breaking my heart and I don't know what to do. It doesn't help that a close girl pal of my boyfriend is her best mate and everything we see her she talks nonstop of his ex. This habit has increased massively since she's come back on the scene.

I'm worried that my boyfriend is going to resent the fact that we now have to stay in at weekends to avoid her. He can't hang around with his mates as she's there. If he goes out its on his own - I just sit in the house alone. It's causing deep problems and he is fed up of me speaking about it. She's even started hanging around with new friends I've made here that she didn't hang around with before, I have no one to turn to and no one to speak to. I can't talk to my family as I made the decision to move here. My best friend from where I used to live thinks it's trivial, which it is. It seems like it's only so long before my boyfriend just goes and joins the wonderful party that they're all having together - like old times.

I'm also pregnant. So the isolation and loneliness is really starting to kick in as no one knows yet. I just don't know what to do as I have never felt so out of control and helpless.

I've also moved jobs again here due to being bullied at work/not agreeing with the dictatorship that ruled (I worked at my last job for 6 years so to move twice in ten months is devastating.) I feel like everything is slipping through my fingers and sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed. What's the point?

OP posts:
Original poster
Danyt · 04/06/2016 15:39

Perhaps I should actively encourage my partner to hang around with the couples we used to hang around with, minus me. At least he'll have someone to talk to when they all pair up. Mind at rest.

Meanwhile, I'll just get cracking at meeting new pals at aquanatal. Everyone's a winner.

OP posts:
EvansAndThePrince · 04/06/2016 15:40

I haven't rtft so I apologise if I'm making point already made, but to me it sounds like you're well shot of this group. Of course you'll still see them around and be pleasant (hopefully) but you and your partner are about to become parents, and to be honest in a years time, the friendship group will seem a bit immature in comparison to your life and you'll have nothing to talk to them about any more. So my advice would be to stop dwelling on it, get out and enjoy the last of your child free time with your partner, and look forward to the friends you'll meet with similar life experience. Your life is about the change DRASTICALLY and these friends don't sound like they would stick around for that anyway.

NickiFury · 04/06/2016 15:54

Yes she should just slink her newly single self away now and never dare to rear her head again now that the new Power Couple are in town Hmm

Honestly what's she done really? She snogged a girl in front of you and talked about visiting her exes family. She's taking up an awful lot of your headspace isn't she? I think it's a problem of your own making. They've known her longer and have a shared history. It's not nice for you but perfectly normal. Maybe they all sense your disapproval and couldn't be bothered with it against their friend so took the easy route. Personally I would kill her with kindness instead of uniting in an Us Against Everyone kind of dynamic.

Original poster
Danyt · 04/06/2016 16:08

Maybe I should reignite my friendships with my ex and our old friends. Perfectly normal and my ex, his girlfriend and my current partner would be really happy with this. Oh wait a second, no I won't. Because times have changed and everyone has moved on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Danyt · 04/06/2016 16:14

To be honest, I don't even think any of my friends would talk to my ex - even if we had been in a close friendship group - if he had horrifically cheated on me. In fact, I know they wouldn't want him anywhere near me (and understand this as my best friend's partner did cheat on her last year. We had all been close mates since being 13 years old but after what he did, I wouldn't want anything to do with him! It's disgusting.)

OP posts:
Runningupthathill82 · 04/06/2016 16:16

Some people are friends with their exes, OP. And that's fine.
You can't just expect the past to be magically erased and for your partner's ex to vanish, giving up her own circle if friends, because her ex has a new girlfriend. You don't have to be mates with her if you don't want to,but surely you can just get on with your life and let her get on with hers?

Avoiding social situations because she's there is just silly, IME. You're the one with a partner and a baby on the way. Rise above it!

Original poster
Danyt · 04/06/2016 16:19

But she isn't friends with my partner. The only thing I've heard about is what a slag she is. And she did vanish for about two years. I'm that fed up of it all really I'm of the opinion they can all just get on with it anyway. Suit themselves, I'm done.

OP posts:
Runningupthathill82 · 04/06/2016 16:39

The only thing I've heard about is what a slag she is

Nice.
Look, you've obviously made your mind up that she's in the wrong, OP - despite little evidence cited so far - so I'm out.

Original poster
Danyt · 04/06/2016 16:41

I didn't say it. I don't even know her. All I can go on is what I've been told and what I see.

OP posts:
TowerRavenSeven · 04/06/2016 16:49

I'm sorry op I didn't want to make you sad. Honestly even if he was flattered (I might be if my ex flirted with me even though I knew there was no chance of us getting together and I found someone new) that isn't That bad, it's what he does with it that's important.

I can definitely see why you are upset. More the friends not really being friends thing now that ms ex is back. Sure, be friends again with ex but to ignore you now? That's just immature.

Hang in there. In a few months time your life will be entirely different with the baby and so will your bf's! And this will just be a memory.

kawliga · 04/06/2016 17:04

Perhaps I should actively encourage my partner to hang around with the couples we used to hang around with, minus me. At least he'll have someone to talk to when they all pair up.

Why, how old is your partner, why do you have to encourage him to make friends? Is he 12?

Also, you didn't answer the questions about why and your partner can't go out together (as in, you and him) without this friendship group. Why is it the friendship group or stay at home? And why can't the two of you go out TOGETHER without the group?

You are determined to fixate on his ex, for whatever reason. Maybe obsessing about how and how to fix the situation surrounding the ex is easier than looking at your own relationship.

Original poster
Danyt · 04/06/2016 17:10

Heyyyy! That's a bit mean haha! We do go out together. We're going away on a secret trip next weekend and then we've got a big holiday booked next month. We do go out a lot but I'm just worried that he will want to go where his lad mates are - and where I am not invited. I think it's difficult to get across how hostile some of these girls are with me now on here. I had one (who professed to be my friend) completely blank me and almost offer me a fight the other week - it's all very juvenile. And I meant - say to my partner that it's okay he goes to these parties where I'm not wanted and where the girls hate me. He doesn't want to go at the minute as I know he doesn't want me to be upset. Stop being so abrupt and sharp with me. You truly don't know the core of this at all!

OP posts:
EarthboundMisfit · 04/06/2016 17:16

Go out and both you and your bf act as though she's doing nothing inappropriate at all. Be as friendly as you can to everyone. Announce your pregnancy and behave as though she doesn't matter, which she doesn't.

razmataz · 04/06/2016 18:21

Has your BF actually spoken to his mates and asked them why you're being excluded? And actually said to them that it's not on?

It does all sound very petty and immature, and unfortunately if the girls have turned against you then you can't make them be your friend - but you should still be able to go to gigs and parties and hang out with your boyfriend and the lads.

Also why does being pregnant mean you can't go out and socialise? Just go and drink orange juice or cokes, and tell people you're driving so can't drink? Or pretend it's vodka and coke? You do seem to be martyring yourself a bit unnecessarily.

Original poster
Danyt · 04/06/2016 18:28

I've been out most weekends (at least one night - not this one though) since finding out. My excuses of driving (to the pub across the road), taking antibiotics, being on a detox...they're wearing a bit thin. And it might be a bit sad on my part, but I didn't really enjoy being around people drinking and smoking. There's only so much lemonade you can drink in an evening! We're going to try alternative nights out like BBQs, nice meals, bowling, the driving range, cinema...things where booze isn't required and I'm not surrounded by people stumbling about and causing drama. I've also just been taxi pickup woman for my bf when he's been on boy's nights out - not being able to booze does have its benefits haha!

OP posts:
LaBelleOtero · 04/06/2016 18:29

Well, if these girls are being openly aggressive I can understand why she wouldn't want to be near them. Is it a two pub kind of town?

DuvetDayEveryday · 04/06/2016 18:30

Honestly the best way you can deal with this is to go out with these people, with your DP, looking and acting fabulous. Show her that you are completely unfazed by her presence.

Original poster
Danyt · 04/06/2016 18:31

I've been avoiding these parties...but I've not been avoiding life completely. Even if I have been stood on my own a few times. I'm not a martyr at all. In fact I think I've done quite well with all the crap that's been flying about! I've heard these same girls moan about their boyfriend's ex's before and they're nowhere near the scene! It's hypocritical and I hope it happens to them some day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Danyt · 04/06/2016 18:32

Yes it's a two pub kind of town and EVERYONE hangs around in the pub across the road every Friday after work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Danyt · 04/06/2016 18:33

I like your advice duvetday :) I think this is my plan :)

OP posts:
Lemond1fficult · 04/06/2016 18:48

Have you ever heard the phrase 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer?' At the moment, it does sound as if you're making assumptions as to why these girls are being so childish.

If this were me, I'd make a beeline for her at the next event and say that you've never spoken before, and you want to get to know her and make sure there's no weirdness now you're hanging out with the same people. If it's a small town, there's no way you can avoid her forever, or keep completely separate friends, so you might as well take control of the situation.

You may find out she's not actually your enemy, and the other girls are just dicks creating drama where there is none.

Original poster
Danyt · 04/06/2016 18:50

Yes I did do this last bank holiday. I went straight to her, just to ask what was going on and what the scene was at the event she turned up at. My boyfriend came and led me away before I could say anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Danyt · 04/06/2016 18:50

I think he would prefer me just to not talk to her. He's said the last thing he wants me to do is be friends with her.

OP posts:
Lemond1fficult · 04/06/2016 18:55

Good on you for trying. Smile

But it's really not your boyfriend's business who you talk to. I can understand he wants to avoid drama but sometimes you have to confront whatever's upsetting you.

You're in a weird and horrible situation and you're trying to sort it the only way you know how. And I don't see how you can lay this ghost to rest without speaking to the girl who you believe is at the centre of it all.

SymphonyofShadows · 04/06/2016 19:09

If my DP 'led me away' he'd be walking very funny afterwards.

I honestly think that once people find out you are pregnant their attitude will change. At the moment they possibly just view you as his latest flame, the pregnancy is a game changer and will show that you aren't going anywhere.