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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my 18yr old to keep failing his driviing test

29 replies

Spermysextowel · 03/06/2016 03:27

I'm not a great passenger as I've had a vehicle slam into my door 3 times but driving with my son still makes me feel he's not ready.
Clearly the examiners have felt so too, but I just think he's never going to be a comfortable driver. I lost 2 friends when I was young who were racing; but I think my son will be more dangerous as a plodder.
Now my iPhone's gone weird

OP posts:
Iknownuffink · 03/06/2016 03:38

Are you projecting your fearful experiences onto your son?

One of my DC sat their driving test umpteen times. Said child is an excellent driver since passing the test.

Original poster
Spermysextowel · 03/06/2016 03:45

How many times did he have to try?

OP posts:
Iknownuffink · 03/06/2016 04:13

Suffice to say that driving tests were sat sporadically over a decade.

Spatial awareness and motion sickness were huge factors.

I feel safe as a passenger.

NerrSnerr · 03/06/2016 04:47

How many times has he failed? He may be picking up on your anxiety. I'm still a nervous wreck when I drive my mum because she's such a nervous passenger. He may be much better by himself.

Original poster
Spermysextowel · 03/06/2016 05:09

The first crash was when my then boyfriend turned into the path of motorcycle.
The other 2 were people pulling out into oncoming traffic whilst looking the other way. On all occasions I could see it coming,so yes it's made me squeal without cause.
That said, I just think he's not really got the concentration. The bloody phone is a danger.

OP posts:
zad716 · 03/06/2016 05:20

Also why has he failed? Failing doesn't necessarily make him a bad driver.

Have you thought about getting him to do Pass Plus once he has his driving license?

Original poster
Spermysextowel · 03/06/2016 07:16

He took his first test while I was in hosp with his brother as he had to have emergency surgery to remove his colon & the feedback was (understandably) sketchy. 2nd time was mix of over caution & driving too close to parked cars.
What is Pass Plus?

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 03/06/2016 07:19

You have no reason to think he will be dangerous. A lot of confidence with driving comes with practice. It's misplaced confidence that's the problem and it doesn't sound like your son has that. I think he will be fine.

Original poster
Spermysextowel · 03/06/2016 07:38

nerr twice now*

OP posts:
zad716 · 03/06/2016 07:48

Pass Plus is further training (UK Government scheme - I assume you are UK?) aimed at new drivers.

Should help him and give you more confidence in him if he then gets good feedback from that as well (also may reduce his insurance when he does get a car).

Original poster
Spermysextowel · 03/06/2016 07:50

pottering thank you. He's never going to be a boy-racer but the other end of the spectrum is a worry. For now I'll just avoid being his passenger as it isn't good for either of us!

OP posts:
molyholy · 03/06/2016 08:02

It's not fair of you to project your fears onto your dc. It's also not your decision as to whether he is a competent driver or not. Also, as an aside, your username has made me feel quite ill.

LizKeen · 03/06/2016 08:07

YABU.

Stop holding him back with your fears and negativity. Being able to drive is a very useful thing and he clearly really wants to if he is still at it after failing. You should be supporting him even if it makes you uncomfortable. Its not about you.

Original poster
Spermysextowel · 03/06/2016 08:07

Many thanks. I'll investigate Pass Plus.

OP posts:
TheNotoriousPMT · 03/06/2016 08:07

I did Pass Plus as a new driver. Learned about night-time driving, motorway driving and other stuff not covered in the standard driving test. I'm really glad I did it.

acasualobserver · 03/06/2016 08:07

The longer it takes for him to pass his test the longer you will be asked to be the supervising passenger while he practices.

Andrewofgg · 03/06/2016 08:10

When you say the bloody phone is a danger do you mean he'll use it while driving? If so - just stay out of his passenger seat and hope. That practice should get you six points, not three.

If not what do you mean?

I like your username Grin

Original poster
Spermysextowel · 03/06/2016 09:08

The examiner has made the decision that he's not a competent driver. Twice.
My worry is that even when he passes he'll be fairly rubbish. Yes, this is about me. My younger son nearly died last year & I could do nothing. The elder one has had his aunt's car passed on which I tax & insure for him. As long as he doesn't have a full licence I feel that I can keep him safe.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 03/06/2016 09:27

As long as he doesn't have a full licence I feel that I can keep him safe

He's an adult now. It's his job to keep himself safe. You cannot do it forever.

LizKeen · 03/06/2016 09:28

It is not about you.

He is 18. He is an adult. He is going to start making a lot of decisions and choices that you don't agree with, but they are his to make.

He is not a competent driver now but that does not mean he will never be. I hope you do not voice your thoughts to him. His self esteem and confidence is just as important as his safety, and in the long run you will be affecting him more than you know.

Of course it is scary. But you have to take a step back from this.

NerrSnerr · 03/06/2016 09:55

He is responsible for keeping himself safe, not you. From what he has failed his test on he doesn't sound dreadful and most drivers improve dramatically when they have passed their test (I know I did). I know it's a worry but he needs to pass his test and the longer he leaves it before he does the more nervous he will be.

ThePinkOcelot · 03/06/2016 09:58

YABU. Got plenty cash OP because learning and tests don't come cheap

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 03/06/2016 09:59

My dds both took 3 goes to pass. But at the time I thought it a good thing, since they had had both masses of lessons (bloody expensive!) and plenty of practice before being let loose on the roads.

By contrast a friend of a dd passed after just 12 lessons and a test in a country area where her parents had a holiday home. She had had virtually no practice in busy traffic and was consequently too petrified to drive anywhere around her own home for about a year.

Personally I think that passing first time may only add to any overconfidence that already exists. And if the learner is not confident, then the extra practice that comes from a couple of failures can surely only be a good thing.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 03/06/2016 10:01

Why on earth would you want your child to fail at something just to make you feel better?
Confused

jay55 · 03/06/2016 10:03

Driving lessons and tests are expensive. Yabu