Can't stop mother bringing stuff and it's making me crazy

[Mumindenial]

My mother cannot visit us without bringing toys, clothes and/or food. My OD is 4 1/2 and my YD has just turned 2. She always has toys - substantial ones like Barbie dolls as well as cheap tat, fancy dresses or socks or underwear, and really random food like packs of croissants, biscuits, chocolate, fruit, even meat.

She has been doing this for years and I have tried every approach to ask her to stop, or at least ask me first. The worst thing is, she will show my girls whatever she has brought, then say "ask mummy if you can have this", therefore making me the bad guy if I say no, especially if it's sweets or a toy.

She even leaves things around the house for us to find, e.g. There was a random minion figure (really small, as if from a kinder egg) by the bed in the spare room. She regularly sneaks food into the fridge, which I find days after she's been and it either goes to waste, or forces me to waste other food I already had. One time she hung a very tacky plastic bath toy bag over the side of my bathtub. The other week she left a few of those food saver clips into my kitchen drawer (I have loads and loads already).

It is beyond frustrating and I have explained that it's unacceptable for a number of reasons, including: we don't have room for all the stuff she brings, the house is filling up with crap, DDs have got to a point where they expect something when people walk through the door, which I can't stand, it forces me to be the bad guy, it disrespects me as a parent as she's goes directly against my wishes. I feel that she does it to be liked, but it obviously pisses me off so I don't understand why she does it.

She comes to visit every week, so it's a real problem.

AIBU? Should I just shut up and accept, or am I right to stand my ground and continue to object? I am absolutely incapable of keeping a poker face or lying, even if it's to be nice. So the former would be a challenge...

My mum will text me saying she's at the shop and she's seen x (last time it was a dvd I already had) and if I want her to get it for me. If I don't reply within 2 minutes, usually because I'm at work when she texts (which she knows), she sends another message saying she bought it anyway. I know it's well meaning but it annoys me.

I have a relative like this. I just accept the gifts and bin stuff. The kids have far too much as it is, thankfully she generally brings utter crap and it breaks quickly and can be chucked out. It is her way of showing love and thoughtfulness I guess.

MIL does this, and her daughter has started doing the same.

No advice other tthan to say tthanks but no space, yyou'll have to ttake it back home.

Ghoul - that wouldn't work with my parents, they want to give stuff - and already set up standard orders to the dcs bank accounts.

At the moment mum has been diverted to M&S clothes, which at least I can return easily and swap for school uniform or credit notes for when they actually need something, mum is determined my toddler should be dressed in party frocks at all times (buying 3/4 at a time!) so it's never something I care about keeping. At least she tends to buy ds t-shirts or jumpers, but usually wrong sizes.

It's the chocolate and crap that gets me, for example, the dcs got 15 eggs each at Easter from my parents alone. It's crap chocolate as well, so I don't really want my allergy prone ds eating it. Plus he only really likes white chocolate, something they know but still buy him mountains of milk because they were getting for dd. One white chocolate egg/rabbit would have been more thoughtful, but it's not really about the children, it's about their need to buy stuff.

My MIL would do exactly the same, especially buying DS lots of clothes. We have so many random things around the house now. She died in January and I would do anything to have her bringing random things around again. I miss her so much. Is it really so bad OP? I think it's her way of showing she cares and thinks about you all.

My mum will buy the kids cheap and too small clothes and wonder why shes never seen any of the kids in it.
We have been given enough clothes to fit my kids into their TEENS,( no kidding) by random people (we live in a teeny weeny house) we have stuff bagged up to the rafters.
A friend of DH has much older children and they arrived one day and just walked into the living room and tipped out bags and bags of broken junk and loads of ripped worn out stinking clothes. the look on my face must have said it all as next time they came DH took the bag and put in the shed for disposal.

But my mum brings loads of random crap each visit, then for birthdays I say absolutely NO CLOTHES as one DC has 27 t shirts already, then she will buy a really cheap poundstore piece of utter crap and then half a dozen more t shirts.
If we go to hers she will send us home with odd bits of leftovers or bulk buy cheap biscuits, or a whole leg of ham or similar and say its more than I can eat. (then why buy it???)
As a Grandmother myself I never go to see my gc's armed with stuff I ask if they would like a meal to go it the freezer and always give money for birthdays and christmas as I know they have so much crap given by other GP that I don't add to it.
All you need do is ask!

Rainisagoodthing said I've spoken to my mum about it recently and she says that she feels like she went a good 10 years without ever being able to choose stuff for her own kids

I think it might be a bit about control. The adult DD (the DCs DM) isn't 'old' enough/ able to look after the DCs herself (in the DGM's eyes) so needs all this 'help'.

Or the DGM didn't have the money to buy stuff when she was a DM so no way is her DD going to be allowed to do that for her DCs.

I just feel it isn't as innocent as everyone says, it is an addiction / obsessive, the DM's feelings or wishes are ignored.

Definitely speak up. My MiL used to always bring us things, usually small kitchen appliances (blender, coffee grinder etc), never new ones, just her old ones. Once she came with her fridge freezer, DH was ecstatic saying it was X brand and cost a bomb etc, I inquired to why his mum was then getting rid of it, he said she just likes to buy new stuff. It broke 2 weeks later and we had to buy a brand new one. That was the final straw and I made DH speak to her. So far she hasn't given us anything else.
She still insists on buying matching outfits for the twins, despite us telling her we don't dress them the same. When we said we thought it was a bit twee (personal preference only) she replied with "yes, but I like it".

My Mum does this. She says that she does it because she really likes the reaction she gets from the kids when she brings stuff. I've asked her not to (because the kids get rather grabby when she's around) but there's no been no change.

I live in a terraced three bedroom house that looks as though Toys R Us has puked all over it.

My Dad brings a big bag of food round pretty much every other night (being a pensioner Waitrose reduction time is a highlight of the day!) He also buys the kids random crap things he sees and thinks they'll like. I have never thought of it as anything other than utterly lovely of him!

She may be going without in order to spend money on your children.

Have you considered that?

That would be even worse, not better

I agree with other who have suggested that you give all the toys to charity, but get your kids onboard too. Before your mum comes round, tell them "Nana's on her way and will probably have new toys, but you have enough for now and there are so many children without toys. So let's get a bag out ready to pack up Nana's toys for the children who need them". Then go through the toys with your kids, as you all put them one by one into the bag for charity, you can exclaim how much a little girl with no dolls will enjoy the beautiful new Barbie. That way you have pre-empted the battle with your kids who want new toys. Before long, hopefully as soon as your mum walks through the door, your DC will be asking "What have you bought the children without toys today, Nana?"

If you have asked your mum repeatedly not to bring these things over, it's not ungrateful to not want them, it's controlling on her part, be it deliberate or not.

My Dad brings a big bag of food round pretty much every other night (being a pensioner Waitrose reduction time is a highlight of the day!) He also buys the kids random crap things he sees and thinks they'll like. I have never thought of it as anything other than utterly lovely of him!

I am sure that that is how he thinks of it too. Some of the pp are so callous.

It's not controlling to bring things, it's annoying at best. It's their way of showing love and making a contribution. Some chn don't have grandparents or don';t have loving ones. You will miss it when they're gone. My DM did this and my MIL still does. I gratefully accept. What we don't want goes to the charity shop. no feelings need to be hurt.

thebestfurchinchilla Sat 04-Jun-16 19:16:28
Some of the pp are so callous.

If you've never experienced the real overwhelming amount of stuff that people bring, you probably aren't getting why it's such a problem. So other pp aren't being callous, they're speaking from experience.

Sometimes, those bringing the items are not doing it to be nice, it can be a form of control for some people.

I was lucky in that my parents looked like being over-buyers very early on, when DD was born (their first GC) but a gentle word nipped it to occasional treats. But I can certainly see how stressed some people can feel when they are recipients of endless unwanted items.

I dont have masses of storage space, and I work full time so don't have masses of time to squeeze yet another chore, that of sorting the items for charity shopping, into the day, so I'm grateful my parents are reasonable.

I think I would be taking her bags off her at the door before the kids see it. Food, toiletries, cleaning products, nappies etc will be gratefully received by any food bank.

It's controlling when you have frequently been asked to stop but carry on regardless. That is putting your own wants and desires above another. Even if you personally can't imagine why because to your mind the gesture is a nice one, if someone tells you that your behaviour is causing them stress and upset, you stop! Particularly if it's someone you love very much.

Mine is the same, drives my hubby crazy. I have banned her from bringing sweets and told her no toys from the pound shop as they fall apart. we are making slow progress

What lucky people to have family a. Close by b. Involved and c. Wanting to spok you and the children

Personally I was brought up to never visit without bringing something and she's a grand parent, spoiling grand kids is one of their main activities. Explain yes that your children can only get treats if they are well behaved and I did like the idea of pennies to save up for something...

My DS is now 7 months and despite seeing granny 4 times she has bought him exactly NOTHING so be firm on how and when they can get a treat but yabvu to be nasty about it

moreginrequired did your mother move away?

My parents are a bit like this. I had never thought of it as maybe being a control thing before but I can see that it might be. My Mum is the one more responsible for the giving in our case. Her sister, my aunt, acts similarly and they are both big, loud, domineering personalities, albeit with hearts of gold really. And they grew up with very little which is another reason I think they go overboard. What's worse is that Auntie is short of funds but buys nevertheless.
We are drowning in toys and of course it's not them who have to tidy them up and keep track of them all day to day. We get a mixture of very large and sometimes noisy toys that aren't cheap but are also not the best quality. We also have loads of pound shop stuff which is usually rubbish. And yes to the wanting to choose your own child's clothes thing. The odd outfit of piece of clothing is not a problem but my eldest's first few coats / jackets were bought by my Mum and I felt I missed out on buying things that DH and I liked for them as a result.
I know this all sounds ungrateful buy when I have asked them to please buy less or just buy for birthdays and Christmas they get all offended. And will turn up next time anyway with something that they just 'couldn't resist..!'

They constantly remark that our kids have so much and that we could open a toy shop in our lounge yet seem oblivious to their part in it all?!
I've explained that the kids want to spend time with them as much as anything and they give plenty of this too but have to give stuff as well.

Once I got really annoyed and overwhelmed with it all and asked them to consider how they would feel if I brought gifts like ornaments or small items of furniture to their house every time we visited, thereby cluttering up their house. This didn't go down well. 'Well, if we as grandparents (or great auntie') can't buy them presents when we want, who can?!'

And yes to the food thing too. They regularly turn up for visits bearing large food items, sometimes homemade, and just expect me to have room in my fridge to accommodate them when I rarely do so end up playing fridge jenga to fit them in.

I find it all so wearing at times and feel guilty for feeling that way too. It also causes conflicts between me and OH who is even more exasperated by it all than me.

Different generation when things were more expensive, shes trying to help out, my mum used to do this when I was student, it carried on until I got a very good job. Now I have a baby and I know she'd love to buy stuff all the time, but she knows we are struggling for room and storage, so she doesn't.

'It all sounds ungrateful'

Well it isn't when you have to deal with the crap. I am regularly taking 4x4 full to the dump/charity shops, then there is still the recycling (no collection here) - OMG I am starting to get feelings of panic whenever I just think about it.

However DDs house with small children is awful imo. It's impossible to truly relax when you are surrounded by various containers of primary coloured plastic.
I have a theory that the small DCs of today will all choose to live in one room, white painted, ornament free huts when they grow up they will have been so freaked out by it all.

Their pleasure, at giving to the DCs, trumps your increased workload of dealing with the stuff, finding homes for things, clearing away through the day, taking to charity shop/dump (which everyone seems to be blasé about but it's a 16 mile round trip for me plus the time it takes to drive into the town centre to the charity shops plus risk of a parking fine as you are on yellow lines), spoiling the DCs and reducing their ability to value things, trashing the planet, etc

MissMargie yes I have pointed out to my relatives that when I was small I didn't have a fraction of the toys and general stuff that my kids have and by extension they didn't have to manage and deal with similar on a daily basis. But they just don't get it!